The Ejected Fan

meanwhile, in white america....

2011-04-07T13:31:00.003-04:00

Dave O'Brien just pointed out that today is Jackie Chan's birthday, and that Joe Castiglione is a HUGE fan. Joe then got on the mic and said in his characteristic nasal yelp, "That's right Joe, you remember Jackie Chan, no relation to...Daisuke Matsuzaka, but like Dice-K, does all his own stunts."

2010-08-18T21:50:00.001-04:00

Fenway Park bathroom graffiti alteration.

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Sox reacquire most virgin ass in MLB, money, hoes

2010-07-02T11:26:00.003-04:00

2010-06-13T13:19:00.000-04:00

broken speedometer on the T. be careful.

Professional router installation at Fenway.

2010-05-27T20:27:00.001-04:00

Professional router installation at Fenway

Dice-K! That's a double entendre!

2010-05-27T19:52:00.001-04:00

Dice-K! That's a double entendre!

there are people knitting in the seats at Fenway Park.

2010-04-25T15:27:00.003-04:00

and i am stuck two rows deep in the standing room only.

2010-04-21T21:42:00.002-04:00

Daniel Bard just broke Jason Varitek's catcher's mitt. with a fucking pitch.

Youk gets drilled in noggin.

2010-04-07T20:45:00.001-04:00

revenge for my pseudo-tweet. i know it is.

derek jeter, king of high comedy.

2010-04-07T20:44:00.002-04:00

sox-yanks bottom of the 5th. V-Mart coulda had a double on that.

Lester in the 2nd...

2010-04-06T20:34:00.002-04:00

nasty pitch to induce the 6-4-3 on posada. can't believe they actually turned that, either. also, nasty pitch to strike out thames to end the inning.

Chan Ho Park's ERA: 54.00

2010-04-04T23:03:00.001-04:00

Chan Ho Park's ERA: 54.00

I hope for their sake

2010-04-04T22:55:00.001-04:00

I hope for their sake that ESPN was on commercial for steven tyler's remarkable rendition of 'god bless america.'

Breaking News: the critically acclaimed

2010-04-04T22:19:00.001-04:00

Breaking News: the critically acclaimed at&t iphone network has completely gone down within the confines of Fenway.

Overheard at Fenway: there's a

2010-04-04T21:56:00.001-04:00

Overheard at Fenway: there's a kid in row 35 with a glove . that would officially be the longest home run in Fenway history.

2010-01-08T19:36:00.002-05:00

ejected fan would rather get kicked out than suffer in the cold.

Give me a reason as to why I should buy red sox tickets tomorrow. Just one reason.

2009-12-11T16:11:00.007-05:00

Dear Mr. Epstein,

Can you give me one reason as to why I should purchase Red Sox tickets tomorrow? I am a little cloudy... Please do not say Marco Scutaro or Boof Bonser or Ram Ram II (Ramon Ramirez 2).

The Red Sox need to make some real improvements for 2010 if they plan on being competitive in the AL East with the Yankees or Rays. As a fan, it is dificult to get excited about a "bridge" team that is in transition. Bite the bullet and sign Bay or Holliday. Then magically trade for Roy Halladay without giving up a single prospect.

Seriously, the Sox management need to stop crying poverty and put together another championship team. We all know they can afford it....

Sincerely,

The Ejected Fan

Fire Joe Morgan. Fire him now. Seriously.

2009-09-30T09:15:00.006-04:00

In Joe Morgan's JoeChat™ yesterday, there was the following exchange:

Ryan (Vermont)

How do you feel things will stand at the end of the day in the AL Central?

Joe Morgan
(11:18 AM)

Well, it's not a matter of how they stand at the end of the day today, I think you have to look at the end of the series. The Twins have to win 3 of 4. If they split this series, it will almost be over. It's not going to be easy for the Twins on the road to sweep the Tigers. The Twins, in their ballpark, would have an excellent chance to do so. I just don't see the Twins sweeping the Tigers, so I don't see them winning the division. It's even worse for them if they lose the first game, or lose tomorrow. The Tigers have to win one of the first two games to keep the pressure off themselves. The Twins will face Verlander in the second game. In fact, because they're playing a doubleheader today and in the history of baseball 80% of all doubleheaders have been split.

re-read that last line. "...in the history of baseball, 80% of all doubleheaders have been split."

this is a lie. first of all, from 2002-2008, doubleheaders were split 43.8% of the time. granted, this doesn't cover the same time frame that ol' number-crunching Joe mentioned above. i can't find historical doubleheader data, and don't have the time to comb through 109 year's worth of box scores (ya know, me being a busy working man and all), but here is a little math lesson for you:

for any given team on a long enough time scale, the theoretical probability of sweeping a doubleheader is 25%, winning the first and losing the second is 25%, losing the first and winning the second is 25%, and getting swept is 25%. (unless somehow the team is perenially superior to all other teams in the league, in which case the probability distribution for the yankees would look something like 99%-0.5%-0.5%-0%.) i assure you there is no fallacy in this argument, because we are talking about ALL teams, i.e. the aggregate won-loss percentage is exactly 50% here. so even ignoring the last 7 years (which clearly prove Joe to be a liar), we are talking about a situation that one would expect to see happen 50% of the time (a doubleheader resulting in a split), that Joe claims has actually happened 80% of the time. now again, i don't have historical doubleheader data, so i am going to have to wave my hands a little. since there were 178 doubleheaders in the last 7 years, let's assume there have been 109*178/7 = 2,771 doubleheaders in modern MLB history. (there's actually probably been a lot more, since they were more common back in the day. but keep in mind there used to be only 154 games in the season so this might actually not be too bad an estimate - my gut feeling is that there have been a lot, lot more.) (also, if anything, this underestimate helps Joe, not me, since weirder things - read: 80% of doubleheaders ending in splits - can happen in fewer games.)

so our null hypothesis (i.e. Joe's hypothesis) is thusly: 80% of doubleheaders end in splits. using an n value of 2,771, an x-bar value of .5, and a mu-naught value of .8, i get a z-value of 31.58. (i don't expect you to get this unless you took a statistics class or three. also note that i am taking liberties with conventional symbols, etc.)

31.58. i can't even find an online normal distribution calculator that can give me a precise enough probability of this event actually happening - they all come out to a big, fat, zero.

which is to say this: the probability that over 2,771 doubleheaders, 80% of them would end in a split (when we would expect 50%) is about 0.000000000000000000000001. (give or take a few zeroes.)

there is not a word to describe the reckless, egregious, and sinister claims this man makes week after week on national television and on national internet. he deserves to have his Hall of Fame plaque torn down and melted into computer parts.

I just got someone kicked

2009-08-28T21:32:00.001-04:00

I just got someone kicked out of Fenway using the ejected fan hotline. 6172266411

Red Sox to Win Wild Card in 2009

2009-08-18T14:00:00.003-04:00

since getting his young pitchers to throw until their arms fall off hasn't worked, Nolan Ryan got someone in his front office to go out and bring back Pudge Rodriguez to ensure the Rangers torch their best chances of getting to the postseason since Bill Clinton was in office. Red Sox fans everywhere are rejoicing. now, trade us Salty.

Mars Blackmon Dead

2009-06-26T09:49:00.002-04:00

New Zealand authorities are reporting that Mars Blackmon was found dead from an apparent suicide. Recent reports that Nike was discontinuing the Air Jordan shoe line may have been a contributing factor in the star's death. Mars was best known for his Nike shoe commercials starring Michael Jordan.

a. A lumberjack b. A

2009-05-17T00:42:00.001-04:00

a. A lumberjack b. A cowboy

Ejected Fan Poll: If Russel

2009-05-17T00:41:00.001-04:00

Ejected Fan Poll: If Russel Branyan weren't a baseball player, what would his occupation be? (sorry, you only have two choices.)

Sign of the Times

2009-03-13T20:46:00.003-04:00

I just went on ticketmaster to check on some tickets for Chris Cornell at the new House of Blues in Boston and this was the encryption message that came up. Is this in reference to the Economic stimulus packages? In order to be more accurate, Ticketmaster should have said a trillion dollars vanished. Maybe the CEO of Ticketmaster was checking his 401 K when he came up with the idea for this encryption message. ...

88 mph, suckas.

2009-02-10T16:49:00.004-05:00

greetings, internet goers of the past. i am writing to you from the future (mid-October 2009) to inform you that the Sox have won the AL East. this, contrary to reports from the earlier part of the year that a.j. burnett, c.c. sabathia, m.c. teixeriaieria, and (of course) d.s. jeter would lead the jankees to a 160-2 record.

but nay! Las Mediasrojas took the crown by a game over the yankees, who fell flat on their faces in August after alex rodriguez went down with a curious injury. to put it bluntly, one of his balls exploded. take a guess why.

coming soon (i really, really hope), a commentary on ARod's now infamous interview with Peter Gammons. actually, since i am writing to you from the future, i can say with a high level of certainty that i will never get around to doing this.

also, put all your money into Chrysler. right. now. you'll thank me sometime around August.

Performance Enhancing Drugs.

2009-02-02T09:22:00.004-05:00

How do you think he won all those medals?

why kill yourself over Roger Clemens? really.

2008-12-18T09:34:00.003-05:00

attempting to follow in the footsteps of thousands of Bostonians during the winter on 1996-1997, everyone's favorite 15-year old (formerly, anyway) karaoke singer tried to kill herself (presumably) over the departure (figurative) of roger clemens. it's right here.

the pills she took? they were probably these. word on the street is she had an SI photo shoot coming up.

Life is Good?

2008-11-25T14:23:00.011-05:00

Life is Good?
You've seen the t shirts, caps, sweats and other swag with this slogan. Even if life is good, why do you have to brag about it? I wonder if the CEO's from AIG were wearing this stuff around the resort while planning the company's post government bail out restructuring. In this economic downturn life is not that good for a lot of people in this country. That being said I prefer a more realistic approach to a clothing line like: Life is not good; depecting the negative but all too real aspects of life. Like those funny warning signs you see showing you what could happen to you if you use a tool improperly or bring a telephone into the bathtub.

So the question I pose is: Will life be good for Scott Boras and baseball's free agents? I guess life is already good for anyone making over a million dollars a year and additionally those playing professional sports for a living, but in this economic environment why should Manny Ramirez expect a pay raise? I understand supply and demand, but what kind of economic conditions would have to be in place to make MLB teams balk at an expected salary by one of Scott Boras' clients? The answer is that I don’t think we will see it in this lifetime. Barring a great depression, baseball salaries will continue to rise. The popularity of Major League Baseball is at an all time high. As long as teams are winning, they can expect to be profitable. The Red Sox have become the blue print for this type of success. As long as team management has a commitment to winning and running the franchise as a business by making shrewd and thorough business decisions, success can be had. This formula along with the many improvements to Fenway Park, have led the red sox to two world series championships and to a MLB attendance record.

Teams that can afford to spend do spend. They have to spend in order to be competitive, but success is had by spending wisely. The Mets and Yankees have spent quite a bit in recent years but it has not led to playoff success. Major League Baseball has seen some pretty terrible free agent signings over the years from: Albert Belle with the Orioles, Mo Vaughn and Pedro Martinez with the Mets, Barry Zito with the Giants, and Carl Pavano and Kevin Brown with the Yankees to name some of the worst. Granted it is a crap shoot in determing a players success, but the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Teams should spend the most on the players with the best consistent track record, young guys like Texiera, and not give in to Boras' demands for sub par players past their prime like Jason Varitek.

Ultimately, demand for the player is the most important factor in salary negotiations. Scott Boras creates fictious demand for clients like Jason Varitek, claiming that there are suitors for a sub par catcher who can miraculously help you "win you 60 percent of your baseball games". During Varitek's last free agency bid, Boras made the claim that there were a number of other teams that were interested in Varitek's services, yet these teams never seemed to materialize. This time around, Theo Epstein is not afraid to call Boras's bluff in this game of high stakes chicken.

Players should be rewarded based on their performance, not by some contrived scheme by a super agent to maximize player revenue. Factors like behavior must also beconsidered. Teams are willing to turn a blind eye to players who have behavioral issues if that player can be productive like Manny Ramirez or John Rocker. Personally, I dont think Ramirez deserves a big contract based on his behavior in Boston. You would think that a free spirit like Manny Ramirez or Pedro Martinez would not mind leaving that last buck on the table and opting for comfort over money. Yet, the mentality is that a player feels disrespected if they dont collect every last drop of money coming to them. Then the super agent enters from stage right playing on these emotions. Despite an increased tax for the super rich under the Obama plan, MLB players will not feel the pinch that the rest of the country is feeling. Even given Varitek's declining statistics, I seriously doubt that Varitek and Boras will leave that last buck on the table.

I happen to like Jason Varitek. I even shook his hand the night he put a catcher's mitt to AROD's face. However, from a business standpoint, you have to assign a value to each player based on their performance. Given Varitek's age and declining ability, I dont think he should be granted a long term high dollar contract.

Mr. Varitek, despite the divorce, despite the economy, despite your swiss cheese bat, life is still good, even if you only get a one year contract worth $10 million dollars or less.

MVPedroier

2008-11-18T14:54:00.004-05:00

add now to his already impressive list of hardware (RoY, GG, SS), the 2008 AL MVP award. not a bad choice by the writers, as it blends the "traditional" standards (he played on a playoff team, was renowned for his grit and hustle, hit the fuck out of the ball) but his objective value was quite high as well (great defense, middle infielder with offensive value, 20 for 21 in steals (!!!!)), so you probably won't hear alot of whining from either side about this one.

i'm also impressed with the writers for giving Poo-holes his due in the NL, and not letting their voting hands slip on the drool generated by Ryan Howard's RsBI and home runs. now if we can just do something about Edinson Volquez's rookie eligibility.

Stay Classy, Maryland

2008-11-15T16:24:00.004-05:00

Just seen on ABC during the Maryland/North Carolina game.

Kobe Bryant would like to know how their ass tastes.

Varitek and watney were just

2008-11-14T22:02:00.002-05:00

Varitek and watney were just shown on the jumbo-tron at the celtics game. One of them, at least, will not be with us next year.

Matt Garza, Mr. Mucus

2008-10-20T12:19:00.003-04:00

Did anyone else find Matt Garza's phlegm spitting with every pitch utterly disgusting last night? Matt Garza has my vote for ugliest creature to ever pitch a gem in an ALCS playoff game.

Matt, maybe you should try Mucinex before your World Series start....

Return of Scooter

2008-10-16T15:42:00.005-04:00

Hey Kids, I am a knuckle ball. I fly at you at a whopping 50 MPH. When I am left up in the zone I get crushed over the green monster. When it's low let it go! When it's high let it fly! Evan Longoria and Erik Aybar know this.
You have a 50/50 chance of winning a ball game when I'm thrown. Tim Wakefield has made a career out of me…. But I am the KMART of pitches... A cheap alternative to a real pitch like a fastball, slider, curve, or change up.

Overuse to the max.

2008-10-02T03:04:00.005-04:00

do you know which phrase, out of all the phrases in the world, that i hate the most? i'll give you a clue. Pedro Gomez (who apparently finally got to unglue his head from Barry Bonds' shrunken testicles) just said it on Sportscenter.

"This [Thursday's game 2 between the Cubbies and Trolley Dodgers] is a must-win game for the Cubs."

he (and i'd be willing to guess >80% of the sports reporters that say "must-win") is incorrect, since the NLDS is a five game series. the Cubs would like to win tomorrow, and it would greatly improve their chances of not LOSING the series, but, come on Pedro, isn't there a plausible situation in which the Cubs could lose game 2, but still win the series? like, maybe they lose game 2 but then sweep the remaining three games? did that contigency just completely elude you when you did the analysis of this series? or are you just not aware of the definition of the word "must" ?

let me help you out.

Definitions of must on the Web:

- a necessary or essential thing; "seat belts are an absolute must"

- grape juice before or during fermentation

- mustiness: the quality of smelling or tasting old or stale or mouldy

okay, maybe, MAYBE you meant that if the Cubs win tomorrow, they get to drink lots of grape juice that is on the verge of fermentation, and if that's the case, i deeply apologize for the aforementioned denigration of your reporting stylings. but otherwise, come on.

The Life of an NFL Holder

2008-09-21T19:55:00.007-04:00

Here's a shot of Saints punter/holder Steve Weatherford holding the potential game-winning kick in today's 34-32 loss to the Broncos. Notice anything?

Apparently the luxuries of being a holder include not having to remove your watch and/or wedding ring. Awesome.

National Grammar Rodeo? I wish I were going! Oh wait, wait...I wish I was going...is that right?

2008-09-10T22:06:00.004-04:00

I don't know where I can buy a police roll, but it sounds like it's loaded with gluten.

NEWS FLASH: Devern Hansack is ALIVE!!!!

2008-09-07T14:43:00.009-04:00

Apparently, the infamous Fenway Hawk did not actual kill Devern Hansack as reported on Opening Day by the Ejected Fan. Devern must have somehow escaped from the hawk's lair and has a new AFRO doo to show for it. Devern was released just in time to be called up by the Red Sox on their expanded roster. Good luck Devern!

!Viva Nicaragua!

Because Mike Lupica is my favorite sports writer.

2008-09-02T18:41:00.007-04:00

no, the title of this book is not Mike Lupica by Summer Ball. indeed, it is the other way around. but Mike Lupica is convinced that he is Moses and his Daily News columns are stone tablets, so it's no surprise that his name is the most prominent feature on many of his books.

from his latest:

The Yankees survived what would have been their worst loss of the season Monday, survived by a 13-9 score against a Tigers team they led 11-2 after three innings. They survived because Brian Bruney got Miguel Cabrera out with two men on and one out when the Tigers were on their way back, and because Derek Jeter got a two-out, two-RBI hit in the sixth when it was 11-9.

now, the box score from the game in question is right here. but you don't even have to click to get the point i'm about to make, because Lupica put it right into his own article - "...and because Derek Jeter got a two-out, two-RBI hit in the sixth when it was 11-9." the final score of this game was 13-9 which, of course, renders jeter's two-out, two-RBI hit in the sixth completely meaningless. seriously, jeter was just praised by Lupica for a superfluous single. he attributed the yankee win (in part) to that very hit, despite the fact that if cap'n intangibles had his left eye (his hitting eye) impaled by a Placido Polanco maple bat shard whilst ranging far to the right on (and subsequently missing) a ground ball in the 5th inning and he had to be air-lifted to the Mass Eye and Ear Infirmary at MGH to get a new eye grown from George Steinbrenner's stem cells and therefore missed the next three innings but was back in time for the 9th and was re-inserted into the game via an ad hoc change to MLB's offical rulebook informally known as "the jeter rule" but it was too late because his spot in the order didn't come up in the 9th inning anyway, the yankees still would have won.

meanwhile, you get 20,800 (about) results if you google "a rod home run meaningless." because he is an ass who only hits homers when his team is either down by a margin his homerun cannot single-handedly erase or they are already winning. in both situations, of course, his home run is meaningless. but jeter is commended for putting up such production.

peace out, fuckers. i'm moving to Banladesh where shit like this doesn't happen.

Ichiro Fucking

2008-08-30T23:53:00.005-04:00

Alex Rodriguez Suicide Watch

2008-08-27T13:48:00.004-04:00

so today is my last day of work in the insurance industry before i retire (seriously), so why not burn out by doing a trifle bit of blogging?

right, then. if i were a close friend of alex rodriguez, my name would be Madonna. and as Madonna, i would make sure to keep alex away from razor blades, sleeping pills, and nooses, because a man can only take so much abuse before he gives in and kicks the chair. it's not that he's going to scan Lupica's article here (which, like all of Lupica's articles, reads like a fifth grader's book report, except without shitty hand-drawn pictures of the characters), polish a pistol, and swallow a bullet. i hope he's learned to insulate himself from the media since his move to the Bronx. i mean, clearly the man knows how to handle himself with aplomb whilst in the camera's eye (joking), so i can only imagine he's not riding home on the subway reading the Daily News. (actually, can't you just imagine A-rod going home, asking his butler for a grape popsicle and today's issues of the tabloids, laying belly down on a canopy bed fretting over the stories about himself? kind of like a 13-year old girl reading about the Jonas brothers, only a lot more whining and squealing.)

seriously though - i'm sure A-Rod ignores the tabloids. but how do you ignore 55,058 jerks booing you mercilessly while just 25 feet to your left stands a man insulated from any sort of adversity, despite the fact he is OPS+'ing 56 points lower than you, isn't banging hot shemale strippers, and has "Sanderson" for a middle name? sure, A-Rod gets paid the most, says the dumbest things, and has that annoying "best player in the game and maybe in history" collar around his neck, but i'm sure he's asking himself every single day of his life, "is it really fucking worth it?"

i genuinely feel sorry for the man.

Who Will Hit MLB's 250,000th Home Run?

2008-08-27T13:10:00.002-04:00

Who'll Hit 250,000?great free widgetsWidgetbox

Red Sox vs. Yankees, August 26, 2008 LIVE BLOG

2008-08-26T18:30:00.053-04:00

It is I, liveblogger extraordinaire Smarty Barrett, here to bring you the first game of this key 3-game series in the Bronx. Last series at Yankee Stadium, blah blah blah. Let's have a look-see at these lineups:

Red Sox
1. Jacoby Ellsbury RF
2. Dustin Pedroia 2B
3. David Ortiz DH
4. Kevin Youkilis 3B
5. Jason Bay LF
6. Jed Lowrie SS
7. Coco Crisp CF
8. Jeff Bailey 1B
9. Kevin Cash C

P Tim Wakefield

Yankees
1. Johnny Damon CF
2. Derek Jeter SS
3. Bobby Abreu RF
4. Alex Rodriguez 3B
5. Jason Giambi 1B
6. Xavier Nady LF
7. Hideki Matsui DH
8. Robinson Cano 2B
9. Jose Molina C

P Andy Pettitte

Pregame
Amelie Benjamin and Heidi Watney are talking. I am not paying attention to a word they are saying and I don't care. Man, this is great TV. Earlier Eck and TC were talking about the 2003 ALCS for some reason. Yankee Stadium history! Folklore! Momument Park! Toilet-shaped! Some real news now, apparently Lowell is ready to come back. F'n awesome. Jeff Bailey is starting at 1B tonight...that's all you need to know about how bad this team needs Mike L. No offense, JB. And NESN opens with a bit of a Sox/Yankees at Yankee Stadium montage, backed by some Godsmack. Interesting choice. And we're about to go here, so let me throw out a prediction - I like the Yanks to win this one, unfortunately, my guess is 7-3. I like J-Bay to go deep though. Let's roll.

Top 1
Here's Jacoby to lead it off against Andy Little. And he's quickly down 0-2. And then he grounds out to Cano, 1 down. Your 3rd base ump tonight is Fieldin Culbreth. What a great name. Here's Pedroia. And he taps a little check-swing roller to Giambi who takes it to the bag himself, 2 down. Now Papi. And some close pitches called balls and Ortiz draws a walk. One on, two out, and here's Youk. More close pitches being called balls - I like it but I don't know if it bodes well for Wake and the knuckler. 3-0 count to KY. And Pettitte works it to full, Ortiz will be rumbling from first on the pitch. Ball four! Two on now, with two outs, and here's my boy J-Bay. And he works a full count, runners will be off from 1st and 2nd...and Bay flies to right and Pettitte escapes, no score going to the bottom of the first.

Bottom 1
Wakefield is fresh off the DL and ready to face Johnny Damon. And he greets him with a homer, 1-0 Yankees. A little flare down the RF line that curled around the pole. Here we go. The Lord Christ Almighty is up now, and he grounds out to Youk at 3rd, one gone. Here's Abreu, and he quickly grounds to Pedroia, two down. Now for Mr. Madonna. And Wakey gets him looking, so he settles in nicely after the Damon tater, 1-0 Yankees after one.

Top 2
The SS of the future leads it off against Pettitte. And Lowrie strikes out looking. Coco at the dish now. And he hits a soft liner to right, Abreu comes in and grabs it, quickly two outs once again. Coco may have broken his bat on that one. Tiger Woods is in the house. Now Bailey. And he hits a soft roller down the 3B line and he reaches on the IF single. Almost a swinging bunt right there. Cash Money stands in now, runner at first and two down. And ouch, Cash just fouled one off Molina's shoulder and he's down. He looks to be OK though. Cash hits a roller down to 3rd, very similar to Bailey's. A-Rod charges, bobbles, and everyone is safe. That will probably go as another infield hit. And once again, the Sox have runners at first and second and two down for Jacoby. And he slaps one down the LF line for a base hit, here comes Bailey and we're tied at 1. That's how you hit with two down! And Pedroia quickly rips one down to 3rd, A-Rod fields the hot shot and touches the bag, inning over. Jacoby and the Sox tie it though, 1-1, headed for the bottom of the 2nd.

Bottom 2
Giambi leading it off here, and he grounds one right at Wakefield, he makes the play, one gone. Now Nady, and he hits a soft pop-up to first, Bailey makes the catch in foul ground and there's quickly two down. Matsui at the dish, and he grounds a single into right, one on with two outs for one of the worst hitters in baseball. Wake is ahead of him 1-2 here, but Cano rips a single up the middle, and my jinx sticks with me. Now the Yanks threatening with two on and two out. Here's one of the 73 Molina brothers. Jose rips a single up the middle, and that's going to score Matsui, Yanks back on top 2-1. Friggin' Wakefield. Can you hold 'em for once? Now Damon. 3-run homer, perhaps? Nope, a harmless grounder to 2nd, Pedroia makes the play and the 2nd is over, but not before Wakefield gives a run right back, 2-1 Yankees.

Top 3
Ortiz leads off here in the third. He quickly works the count to 3-1 and then rips one into the centerfield gap. Ortiz chugs into second with a leadoff double. Youk now, and Pettitte is already at 50 pitches. And now Youk rips one down the right field line, fair, into the corner, tie ballgame. Ortiz scores and it's 2-2. Double for Youk. And here's J-Bay. And he rolls one up the middle for a single that will score Youkilis, Sox on top 3-2! Hell yeah. Pettitte starting to get slapped around here now, and he is throwing a ton of pitches. Lowrie at the dish now, still no outs here. He makes Pettitte throw some more pitches, but then grounds into a DP, Cano unassisted to first, and there's quickly two down. Coco trying to keep the inning going now. But instead he goes down looking on three pitches, inning over. But the Sox get two and they lead 3-2 going to the bottom of the 3rd.

Bottom 3
Can Wake hold this? Let's find out. The greatest player to ever put on a baseball uniform pops to second for the first out. Abreu now, and he rips one up the middle, out of the reach of Lowrie for a hit. Man, every hit Wake is giving up is going straight into center. Remy says "Abreu can run, he has 14 steals but he's been caught 10 times." I would disagree, Rem Dawg. I would say that is someone who can't run. A-Rod now hits a roller to short, Lowrie moving towards third gloves, to 2nd for one, and to first! Double play! Inning over! Nasty play, 3-2 Sox after 3.

Top 4
Bailey, Cash and Jacoby in the 4th. This trio led to the first run, so let's see what they can do here. Bailey works a full count (more pitches!) but then grounds to 2nd for out number one. Cash Money stands in, and Pettitte walks him on four pitches. Man, there is no way Andy is going to make it to the 6th, Sox are really working him here. Jacoby now, one on, one out. Pettitte falls behind 2-1 and he is not happy with the home plate ump. And now Andy gets Ellsbury looking on a pitch that looked WAY outside. Jeez, if all you need to do is whine to get some calls, then I suggest the Sox get on it. Cash still at first with two outs now, and Pedroia up. He grounds one to A-Rod who charges. gloves, and throws out Dustin. Side retired, headed to the bottom of the 4th, still 3-2 Sox.

Bottom 4
Pettitte's at 78 pitches through four. Whew. Maybe he will make it to the 6th, but not much farther. Sox aren't making this easy for him. Giambi leads off, and he flies to Ellsbury in right, one down. Nady up now, and he draws a one-out walk. Here's Matsui and he cranks one too deep right...but not deep enough. Ellsbury makes the catch in front of the wall, two outs. And now Cano grounds one to second, Pedroia makes the play, and we're done with four, still 3-2 Sox.

Top 5
Ortiz leading off here, and Pettitte throws his 80th pitch for ball one to Ortiz, 1-1 is the count. Now Ortiz cranks the 81st pitch to deep right, but Abreu grabs it right in front of the W.B. Mason sign, one loud out. Now Youkilis. And he grounds Pettitte's 86th pitch to short, two outs. J-Bay up here, and I'm still waiting for him to go deep. Pettitte is going to hit 90 pitches here. And Bay ground pitch number 91 into center for a base hit. One on, two outs. Will he hit 100 pitches in the 5th? I'd love to see it. Lowrie here, and he rolls pitch number 93 into right field for another base hit! Bay stops at 2nd, and more 2 out baserunners for the Sox. Here's Coco with two on and two out. Here comes pitch 96, and it's way inside, almost hits Coco. 2-1 count. And Coco loops one to right, it falls in for a hit! Bay scores, Lowrie heads for 3rd, he's safe, and it's 4-2 Sox! Hell yeah, Coco! Now Bailey up, and Coco steals second on the first pitch. Molina threw down even with two outs, but Lowrie stayed put at 3rd. Now two in scoring position for Bailey. Brian Bruney up in the Yankee pen. And you bet Pettitte will hit 100 pitches, here comes pitch 101. And Bailey rips one down the third-base line, it hits the bag and goes right to A-Rod, he throws to first from foul ground...and Bailey is safe! And TWO runs score! Coco in from second and it's 6-2 Sox! That'll be it for Pettitte, here comes Bruney. Pitching change coming at you, and the Sox have broken it open! Here's Cash to face Bruney, and he rips one to 3rd, A-Rod gloves and whips it to 1st for the out. But a big inning here in the 5th has the Sox on top 6-2.

Bottom 5
Now Wakey has a 4-run lead to work with. Molina leads off, and he flies to center for the first out. Here's Damon. And Johnny pops one down the right-field line again, and it's gone AGAIN! It's now 6-3 Sox. Another home run, almost the exact same spot, about as short as you can hit a ball in this dump and have it go out. And now Jeter singles to left and I'm reminded that no lead is safe with Tim Wakefield on the hill. One on, one out, one in, and here's Abreu. And now HE singles to left! Wakefield is so eager to give this back, jeez. Now A-Rod, the tying run and it could very easily be 6-6 very soon. Javier Lopez getting loose for the Sox. And Wakefield battles A-Rod and finally gets him to fly to center, two outs. And boos rain down on A-Rod. Here's Giambi, this is a crucial AB - get this guy, Wakey. And he does - Giambi flies to center, Coco grabs it, and my heart resumes beating. 6-3 Sox after 5.

Top 6
Bruney dealing with the top of the order now. Ellsbury flies to center for the first out, and here's Pedroia. He really works Bruney and gets a walk out of it, one on with one out. Lopez continuing to throw, and it looks like he'll pitch the bottom of the 6th. Ortiz up. He works a walk on a very close pitch. And here's Girardi to the mound. I've never seen a manager to the mound this much in non-pitching changes. Do these guys have a pitching coach? First and second one down for Youkilis. And now HE walks! Bruney is handing out the bases-on-balls, sacks drunk with one out for J-Bay. Bring me that homer, Bay! Big swing, but a deep fly to left. Nady grabs it, Pedroia tags, and a sac fly for Bay makes it 7-3. Now Lowrie works a long AB that ends with a fly to center. We're going to the bottom of the 6th, 7-3 Sox.

Bottom 6
I assume we'll be seeing Lopez here. We do, and he'll face Nady first, who flies to center for the first out. Matsui up now, and he breaks his bat and grounds out to Pedroia for the 2nd out. Wow, this game has slowed down a lot. Wake and Andy were working quickly, now it's just dragging. And Cano strikes out, loses his bat and it ends up in the Hudson River somewhere. Jeez. Inning over, nice clean work from Lopez, and we're done with 6, 7-3 Sox.

Top 7
New pitcher on for the Yanks, whom I have never heard of. David Robertson? Well, here he goes, dealing with Coco, and he tries to bunt but it rolls foul. And now he slaps an 0-2 pitch to right for a base hit. Here's Jeff Bailey, and we may see Coco steal here. He doesn't as Bailey strikes out looking, one out. Cash Money up now. Snap throw to first and Crisp is just back. Giambi missed the tag, looks like. This guy Robertson has a pretty sick curve, and he gets Cash on a check swing, two outs. And now Coco goes with Ellsbury up, and Molina gets him for out number three. That's it for the top of the 7th..stretch time! 7-3 Sox.

Bottom 7
Changes for the Sox: Cora in at SS, Lowrie moves from SS to 3B, and Youk moves from 3B to 1B. Cora will hit in Bailey's spot. And Manny Delcarmen in to pitch for the Sox. Molina due up, but Pudge Rodriguez, aka The Incredible Shrinking Man will hit. Masterson and Okajima getting loose behind MDC. I like this bullpen rotation they're using tonight. And MDC gets Pudge swinging. Here's Damon, and here's the Delcarmen I know, as he walks Johnny on 4 pitches. Bow your heads in his presence, here's Jeter set to will his team to victory. And he singles to right, Damon up to second, first and second one out for Abreu. We may be seeing Masterson and/or Okajima very soon. Ball one. This is the Manny Delcarmen experience folks - fasten seatbelts. 2-0. Abreu fouls one off and it's 2-1. Another foul and the count is even at two. Come on, MDC! And Delcarmen bounces one in for ball three, full count. The 3-2...and first Cash wants time to talk to his pitcher. And ball four is in the dirt, bases loaded, and Delcamen is done. Pathetic. Pitching change coming at you, here comes Masterson. I don't get Delcarmen, if he can't get outs, why is he on this team? Well, here we go, bases loaded, one out, 7-3 Sox, bottom 7, A-Rod at the plate. Strike one. And now a hard grounder to short. Cora gloves, touches second, on to first! BOOS RAIN DOWN! Double play-Rod strikes again! 7-3 Sox, bring on the 8th!

Top 8
Here's Ellsbury, who pops one to shallow right, Cano makes the catch rather lazily, one out. Pudge stays in to catch, your new pitcher is Edwar Ramirez. Your batter is Dustin Pedroia, and he grounds to A-Rod. The boos are loud and often as soon as he touches the ball. His throw to first is booed, booed louder, and booed some more. Two outs. Now Ortiz rips one down the right field line for a two-out double. And Girardi will put Youk on intentionally and face Bay with two on. Now Bay rips one to third. A-Rod bobbles, boots, throws to first and Giambi can't handle it. Remy thinks it should be a hit and I agree. But they assess the error. The booing is just incessant now. Bases loaded, two down for Lowrie. And he lines one right at Cano for out number three. A-Rod better hope he doesn't get another AB in this one; 7-3 Sox.

Bottom 8
Masterson only threw two pitches, my guess is he'll be back out there with Oki and Paps getting ready behind him. And it is Masterson, and he falls behind Giambi 3-0. And it is Oki and Paps behind him. I will be happy to manage your little league team. Giambi grounds one into the shift, but Pedroia boots it and Giambi is safe on the E4. Now Nady singles to left, and there's two on with no outs and here comes Tito. Okajima coming in. And he'll deal with Matsui first. Works the count to 2-2, and Oki is working him away, away, away. Full count now. And Oki gets him looking! Sick pitch! One down. Cano at the dish now, still first and second but now one out. Oki ahead one and two, and they gotta know that Cano will occasionally swing at a bad pitch. And now another full count. And Oki induces the pop-up...Pedroia under it, and there's two down. And Papelbon is going to get four outs. Nice job for Oki, were you taking notes Delcarmen? 7-3 Sox, and it's Pap time with two outs in the eighth. And here's a 5'4" catcher, and one pitch, a grounder to Papelbon and that will do it! Not a good night to be a Rodriguez. 7-3 Sox going to the 9th.

Top 9
The portly Chris Britton is on to pitch for the Yankees, and Coco greets him with a bloop single to right. Now Cora's first AB, and Remy wonders if they would bunt here. I'm not a big bunting person, but this doesn't seem like a bad time for one. But they don't and Cora flies out to right for the first out. Here's Cash Money. And he singles to left, two on with one out. Jacoby stands in, and Britton gets him looking for out number two. Here's Pedroia, oddly enough the only Sox starter without a hit tonight. And he rips one, but right at A-Rod and he catches the liner for the out. Time for Papelbon to close this one out, still 7-3 Sox.

Bottom 9
Top of the order vs. Paps. Damon leads off, and Papelbon quickly gets him swinging. Owned. Here's God. And he grounds one to Lowrie at 3rd and he boots it, stays with it and throws, but it is way too late and Jeter clutchly reaches on an E5. Let's see A-Rod do THAT. Actually, with that bobble it becomes very likely that we will see A-Rod in the 9th. How awesome would it be if he made the last out? Either way, he is going to hear it and hear it bad when he comes up. Or he may not - grounder to 2nd, Pedroia to Cora to Youk... but Abreu beats it. So two down for Boo-Rod, who is booed. Good news for him is he can't hit into the double-play here. And it's now 1-2 to A-Rod. Oh man a K would be sweet. The sad thing is if he homers here, they will talk about how it was a completely meaningless hit. But he K's! And this one's over! 0-5 night for disgrace-Rod and the Red Sox take this one 7-3. Good clean strong win, and a BIG win. I can breathe easier for the rest of the series now, cuz we ain't gettin' swept. Yankees season may very well be over. I'm greedy now and I want the Sox to go for the jugular.

Goodnight, everyone!

Straight Flush

2008-08-26T13:03:00.006-04:00

So a lot is being made in the local and national media concerning this upcoming series between the Sox and Yankees. The recurring storyline highlights the fact that this is the Red Sox last regular season series in the boogey-down Bronx. I just don't get why everyone, especially around here, is getting all sentimental about Yankee Stadium, aka America's largest outdoor urinal. The place is a dump - I say the sooner they blow it up, the better. You won't see us here at the Ejected Fan doing any foolish tributes or regaling you with nonsensical anecdotes. Save that for your grandma's blog.

That said, this upcoming series is a huge one in terms of playoff implications. The Red Sox have the chance to bury the Yankees for good, and have us get a head start on planning our Yankee elimination parties. Most Yankee blogs I have read think the Yankees need to sweep this series to keep their post-season hopes alive. I can't say I disagree.

Here at the Ejected Fan we tend to get a little fired up for Sox/Yankees showdowns, and this series is no different. So in honor of that, yours truly will be live-blogging tonight's game, and possibly tomorrow night's as well. So if you're looking for a solid breakdown of the action complete with passion, humor, and plenty of swearing, check it out. SB has you covered. And don't be afraid to let me have it in the comments or via email: SmartyBarrett@gmail.com

See you tonight!

Carl Pavano: Worst Yankee Signing Ever?

2008-08-26T10:04:00.008-04:00

....This was one of those rare times when Carl Pavano actually threw a pitch in a Yankee uniform last week. The Ejected Fan remembers wishing and hoping during the 2004 off-season that somehow this New Britain, Connecticut native would again be wearing the Red Sox laundry. Thankfully for the Red Sox sake this did not happen. Pavano was drafted by the Sox back in '94 and was part of the deal that brought Pedro to Boston. As a Yankee, Pavano has been plagued by injury since his debut in 2005. Pavano had a shoulder injury in '05, a bruised buttocks and broken ribs in '06 and then Tommy John elbow surgery in '07. Since '05, Pavano has started a total of 20 games with the Yankees, the majority coming in the '05 season. Saturday was the first start since April of 2007. During Spring Training of '07, Yankee pitcher Mike Mussina even questioned Pavano's dedication to the Yankees. Mussina wondered if everything was just coincidence. In December of '07 Yankee managment offered Pavano a minor league contract which his agent refused.

The Ejected Fan has run some numbers on Pavano. As a Yankee, Pavano has earned an estimated $5,980,769 per win, an estimated $1,794, 230 per start and an estimated $552,071 per strikeout.

The Yankee website The Jason Giambi Mustache Squad, which sponsors Pavano's Baseball Reference page states," Carl Pavano is to the Yankees as the movie Ghost Dad is to American cinema. Not even a mustache could save that guy." I don't remember too much about Ghost Dad, but I do remember Bill Cosby was in it...

Even if Pavano morphs into Sandy Koufax for the remainder of the season, the Yankees have very little shot of making the playoffs. I hope the preceding statement does not in anyway jinx that likelihood. As a Red Sox fan, I just want to thank embedded Red Sock Carl Pavano for his many years of service as a Yankee.

Chex Mix, Matt Ryan, and more in the Mass Hysteria fantasy football draft

2008-08-24T16:42:00.006-04:00

So Thursday night was the inaugural draft for the Mass Hysteria fantasy football league. The league consists of the four regular bloggers on the site, myself, and several other regular commenters and other bloggers from around the interwebs. The decision was made to do the league on Yahoo!, and as a veteran of Yahoo! Fantasy leagues, I noticed a few changes. First, the incredible whoring of Chex Mix ALL OVER the draft window. Add to that the dramatic countdown leading up to the first pick, complete with numbers in 252 pt. font enveloping the screen and it bordered on ridiculous. But the draft itself was a blast. The highlight for me was drafting Matt Ryan, much to the chagrin of our own Hazel Mae's Landing Strip. As you may or may not know, his man-love for Matty R. knows no bounds. I knew I was going to have to strike at just the right time if I were to land him, and I did.

Here's the final roster for my team, and I look forward to representing the Ejected Fan well in this league:

Osi Human Urine

(yes that is my team name, and yes I did hear about this. Take that, fucker.)

Starters:

QB Tom Brady

RB Larry Johnson

RB Reggie Bush

WR Chad Johnson

WR Dwayne Bowe

WR Donte' Stallworth

TE Vernon Davis

K Josh Scobee

DEF Philadelphia

Bench:

QB Matt Ryan

RB Deuce McAllister

RB Rashard Mendenhall

WR Kevin Curtis

TE Tony Scheffler

Let's get it on.

Semi-irregular Jon Lester First Ballot Hall of Fame Update

2008-08-22T20:43:00.005-04:00

Jon Lester's record as of Aug. 22nd: 12-4

Probability that Lester is elected to the National Baseball Hall of Fame on the first ballot: 6%

This means there is a 6% chance of the Ejected Fan doing incalculable damage to my groin area. If that indeed happens, I propose to my fellow bloggers that we hire this boy to recap the action:

I can't wait till they make this for OS X.

2008-08-21T10:35:00.003-04:00

Jason Varitek and Heidi Watney?

2008-08-14T12:40:00.007-04:00

in case you're wondering, that's Heidi Watney in the Wally getup, and they're reading the Kama Sutra.

could the rumors be true? since everyone keeps ending up here in an attempt for verification, i guess we'll address at least the possibility. From boston.com:

Sox catcher Jason Varitek (above) is splitting with his wife, Karen. The team captain filed for divorce July 28 in Gwinnett County, Ga., where the couple live in the offseason. They were married in 1997 and have three daughters, ages 8, 6, and 3. Varitek is in the final year of a four-year, $40-million contract he signed after the BoSox won the World Series in 2004.

now, i'm not entirely sure how much NESN is paying Heidi Watney to do her Erin Andrews impression in the bleachers at Fenway, but i bet it's not 1% of what an aging goateed catcher with a swiss cheese bat is making these days.

Chupacabra versus Bigfoot UPDATE BIGFOOT HOAX?

2008-08-14T09:46:00.007-04:00

As an avid viewer of Monster Quest, Ejected Fan has come across some "Monster" updates this week. Apparently, a body of the legendary Bigfoot has been found this week. The website http://www.searchingforbigfoot.com/ has been overloaded with hits. In addition there is video footage of a Chupacabra making news this week. Personally, I think the Bigfoot finding, if real, is a much more signifcant find because of the evolutionary significance to humans.

I pose the question to readers: Which finding is more significant?

**UPDATE** It appears from the Bigfoot press conference on friday that the bigfoot finding was a hoax.

And honestly, he'll appreciate the kind of straight-forward manner in which you told him your decision.

2008-08-12T15:14:00.010-04:00

So in my daily visit to my semi-new favorite Boston-area sports blog Mass Hysteria, I read one of their daily features (written by friend HzMLS) and he essentially predicted a Rays downfall after the injuries to both Evan Longoria and Carl Crawford. I posted a comment on the blog, and because I felt like it was misinterpreted, dubbschism and I discussed via email:

Smarty Barrett: My point wasn't the Pythagorean record, my point was that bloggers, pundits and others are going to predict a slide for the Rays because of the loss of Crawford and Longoria, but the fact is a slide was inevitable anyway. i.e. a slip in their record and a slip in the standings would have occurred regardless (and independent) of any injuries. So when they start to slip, injuries will be cited, but the fact of the matter is that any decline will not be 100% due to the loss of 2 stars.

dubbschism: yes. i agree for the most part, however, we're approaching the point in the season where the pythag is less and less meaningful as far as predicting the actual final standings go, since there's not a lot of time for the records to correct themselves. it's more useful at this point as far as predicting theoretical standings, but there's only about 40 games left. make sense? it's entirely possible that their run differential over the next 40 games would match up with their record thus far, esp with the addition of baldelli, but it's much more unlikely now that two of their better players are gone.

SB: I agree. We should have already started to see a regression towards the mean in all cases for all teams - Pythag record is not always correct, mostly because of luck in one-run games and such. I feel that it does tell us how good a team actually is - example: the 2007 Mariners finished with a 88-74 record, but their pythag was 80-82. That team was not that good.

The point I was trying to make is that, in theory, the Rays run differential could maintain the same pace it has throughout the season and they would still slip in the standings. Citing injuries to explain their decline would not be telling the whole story. The larger point is predicting a slide for the Rays now is easy, but would they have slid without the injuries? I say yes but we'll never know now. And Sox fans are all excited that they have some key players hurt now and if the Sox do come back and win the division, Longoria and Crawford's injuries will be cited. I just don't think simply saying 2 guys got hurt is a sufficient explanation. Picking the Rays to falter now is easy. Picking them to falter two weeks ago, as I did, would not have been "popular."

My mom says I'm a catch.

DS: well when you see Evan Baseball Hero in the hospital, tell him he played a great game. Tell him you liked his article in the newspaper.

his WARP is 6.5. willy aybar's is .8. over the rest of the season, that's about 2 wins. which could be significant.

SB: So you're saying it could cost them a win at least every two weeks? Once every two weeks?

It could be significant. But if the Red Sox win the division by four games, then I will cite run differential and not Longoria's injury.

DS: well let's put it this way: given current run diffs, we'd expect the rays to go 25-20 the rest of the way. (with Longoria.) we'd expect the sox to go 25-18. as it currently stands, that's not enough to make up the 4 games. but, if Longoria disappears, suddenly the rays go 23-22...and bingo, Dino DNA. a 3-game difference.

SB: But if you use log5 to break down the Rays remaining games, they're more likely to go 23-22 anyway, and that was factored in before the loss of Longoria and Crawford. So just beware, when John Kruk tells you why the Rays are losing games, don't believe him.

Semi-Irregular Miguel Tejada Home Run Update

2008-08-08T14:08:00.004-04:00

today's date: 08/08/08
Miggy's current HR total: 11
Miggy's projected HR total, should he keep up this pace: 16
probability that the ejected fan wins my $20, unscrupulously puts it in a Roth IRA with hopes of the principal maturing into the approximately $6,000* it would cost him for reconstructive surgery so as to look like Eddie Vedder, then spends the $6,000 on reconstructive surgery so as to look like Eddie Vedder: 15%
probability that the ejected fan would get recontructive surgery so as to look like Eddie Vedder, if he had the money to spend regardless of Miggy's 2008 HR stats: 97%.

*i calculated this number using a complex algorithm involving costs of various plastics surgeries people have undergone in an effort to emulate their favorite celebrities. the actual cost would be $6,124. it's accurate.

Changing of the guard: 3rd game with new comer Jason Bay in left field. Sox Complete Sweep of A’s

2008-08-07T21:46:00.006-04:00

I want to start off by saying that this blog is evolving. Over these summer months, it has become a bit of a chore to sit in front of the computer and recap the events of a particular game. Next year The Ejected Fan will evolve into a more inspired effort. EF will only blog when truly inspired. This will keep things fresh with less of a homework type feel.

By Sunday, the drama of Manny Ramirez had long since run its course like a sort of unavoidable car crash. After the Manny Ramirez demolition derby, the Sox were left with a capable All Star left fielder in Jason Bay. The sentiment among fans was similar to that of the Nomar trade from ’04. Look at what happened to the Sox after that. Bay had already come up big in his first two games on the Sox and would continue that trend today. In the first inning, Bay made a nice throw to second to throw out a runner trying to stretch a single into a double.

Sunday was the ejected fan’s birthday. In honor of EF’s birthday, in a collective effort, Smarty Barrett and Dubbschism purchased Green Monster, Standing Room Tickets for this game. I decided earlier in the week that I would get to the game when the gates open so that I could witness batting practice from atop the green monster. Unfortunately, only the Oakland A’s would take BP today. Frank Thomas is the only formidable hitter on the A’s. He had some real “Monster” jacks during BP. Some balls were crushed over everything. However, the “Big Hurt” would not fare so well in the actual game going 0-4.

Eddie Vedder Fan

I was a bit tired from the previous two days of seeing Eddie Vedder at the Boston Opera House. I hope to have more about these shows in a future blog. I had my EV concert shirt on that I purchased on Friday when I saw another fan on the monster sporting an Evil Knievil Eddie shirt. I asked him if he had gone to the shows and we got to discussing Pearl Jam for the next hour or so. We discussed the fact that Vedder was even responsible for getting Jason Bay to the All Star team in 06. This fan had traveled all the way from California to see these couple shows at the Opera House and was now taking in a game solo from the green monster seats. Few things bring people together like sports and good music...

$160 Monster Seats for $30
Dubbschism, Veruca Salt and Smarty Barrett were extremely late for the game due to their previous 9 inning engagement. Barrett was forced to stand outside the gates of Fenway waiting for Dubb to deliver his ticket. Despite Dubbschism’s crew being extremely late for the game, the Ejected Fan managed to secure front row seats on the green monster for the late comers by digging into the trenches early. The face value of these front rowgreen monster seats is $160. We only paid $30 each for our SRO tickets. How could a sox fan not show up to the game after paying $160 per ticket? It just doesn’t make any sense.

Weather Report
It was interesting weather on Sunday Afternoon. It was a microcosm of the weather we have been experiencing in Boston throughout this summer.. It was a mixture of Sun and puffy cumulus clouds. It was hot atop the monster in the direct sun. By the time the late crew arrived in the fourth inning or so, it started to rain, gradually raining harder and then finally stopping and giving way to a rainbow. Later in the game we would be interrupted by rain again from another quick moving thundershower leading to a 20 minute rain delay. We were quickly ushered off the monster for fear of lightning.

This was the first game in a while that I was completely sober for. Because of the hard sun and having already abused my liver the last couple of nights, I opted for not consuming alcohol today. Not to be like Fun Bobby from Friends, but I felt a bit less inspired and a little less fun going to a ball game without drinking. The Sox completed the sweep of the A’s, but they have an interesting path ahead of them in their quest to reach the playoffs. I will leave you with some random observations and quips from Sunday’s game. Stay tuned for my next blog report which has evolved to encompass some of the places and events (Pearl Jam etc) of my summer vacation.

Random Observations and Quips

A fan is holding a MANNY WHO? Sign

A’s Pitcher, Huston Street should change his name to Hudson Street and then move there

Ejected Fan yells to A’s left fielder and known HGH user Jack Cust, “ Hey, HGH didn’t work for you!”, Followed by “HGH makes you uglier!”

The kid guest announcer pronounces Jed Lowrie as “Jet” Lowrie over the Fenway loudspeaker. Is Jet Lowrie related to George Jetson?

Who needs Oritz and Manny when you have Bay and Lowrie? Bay and Lowrie are the best RBI combination since Gehrig and Ruth.

The Ejected Fan caps off his day by yelling down to Jason Bay, “ Wear your Red Sox Onesie!”

The Trade Deadline Email Thread

2008-07-31T20:33:00.005-04:00

(An email exchange this afternoon between myself, Hazel Mae's Landing Strip, and Jenny Cupcakes)

HazelMae'sLandingStrip (3:15): OH CRAP

http://trades.mlblogs.com/archives/2008/07/rays_to_acquire_bay.html

Smarty Barrett (3:15): :-(

Jenny Cupcakes (3:26): The intern that works in the office next to me was flipping out about that link. He keeps yelling trade news for me since he found out I was looking at it all day.

HzMLS (3:30): If we end up with Matt Kemp instead I am going to go batty.

SB (3:30): Good batty or bad batty? Cuz I haven't really decided how I feel about that yet.

HzMLS (3:31): Bad. I don't want him here.

JC (3:31): He is 23. Greg says "Matt Kemp isn't bad"

SB (3:32): He doesn't walk enough.

SB (3:35): 25 minutes!!!!

HzMLS (3:37): The Red Sox just traded Brandon Moss and Clay Buchholz for Eric Gagne

SB (3:38): LQTMing like crazy.

JC (3:41): I forwarded this to Greg and he was like wait I was just scared for a second.

SB (3:42): So was I, because Outlook pops up these message previews, and the preview was:

"The Red Sox just traded Brandon Moss and Clay Buchholz for..."

JC (3:45): HAHAHA

SB (4:23): Gordon Edes is reporting on NESN that Manny has been traded.
Details will be available shortly.

SB (4:24): boston.com/sports is CRASHED.

SB (4:26): To the Dodgers.

JC (4:29): yeah breaking news just now on nesn.com

HzMLS (4:32): BTW a reason why I don't listen EEI. They are slow as hell with this stuff, I went in the car to do an errand at 12:30 they had just found out about the Griffey Jr trade, when Rosenthal had announced it at like 10.

SB (4:33): I'm listening to them now. They are watching Edes on NESN but not telling us what he's saying.
Jerks.

JC (4:33): Is it really Jason Bay????

HzMLS (4:34): Is he signed through 2009?

SB (4:34): Yes and yes.

HzMLS (4:39): ESPN.com still has no clue...WWL my ass.

SB (4:40): I'm giddy.

HzMLS (4:44): Holy crap, the prospects are Brandon Moss and Craig Hansen.

SB (4:46): DAMIAN Moss.
And Craig Hansen.

HzMLS (4:48): Who the heck is that?

SB (4:49): Now they're saying it's Brandon Moss.

JC (4:50): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Damian_Moss

SB (4:52): So you're saying we CAN'T trade a player who's on the Braves?

JC (4:55): This email thread should be a blog...

You Were Exactly Wrong

2008-07-31T19:28:00.004-04:00

Gordon Edes reported earlier today that the Manny to the Dodgers deal was dead.

Dubb, he said, have I got a little story for you
You thought that they would trade Manny? You're nothin' but a...
While you were checkin' boston.com at 3:13
I said they had stopped tryin'
Sorry it was misleadin'
But my source was wrong

Oh lies, oh, they're still alive
Hey, lies, oh, they're still alive
Hey lies, oh, they're still alive
Hey, oh

Oh, they talked on, about a young man's tools
They said they're ready to move

I didn't think the Sox would ever land Jason Bay
But look, look
Oh, trade Man Ram
How? I can't see, it's not fair!

Lies, they're still alive
Hey lies, but, they're still alive
Hey lies, boy, they're still alive
Hey lies, lies, they're still alive, yeah
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, oh

Is something wrong, he said
Well of course there is
They're still alive, he said
Oh, you believe him over me?
Is that the question?
And if so, trade LaRoche! For a cancer! Clubhouse cancer!

Lies, oh, they're still alive
Hey lies, oh, they're still alive
Hey lies, but, they're still alive
Yeah lies, oh, they're still alive
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

The Return of Big Papi - The Introduction of Lil' Papi Game Report, 7/27/08 vs. New York Yankees

2008-07-29T19:34:00.009-04:00

A game recap not done by the Ejected Fan? A Yankees/Red Sox game where we saw no ejections? (Although apparently there was one.) We even introduce two new Sox fans to the blog, so read on!

This game did not look like it was going to happen. HzMLS and I had weather.com and boston.com open on our laptops trying to monitor the situation. As soon as the rain stopped, we hit the road. With Jenny Cupcakes and Dan Haren, Jr. (DHJ) in tow, we arrived at the park rather early. The first thing we noticed was a young boy sitting in front of us with an Ortiz jersey that said "Papi" on the back and a hat embroidered with the nickname "Lil' Papi." As the Sox began to embarrass the Yankees, we struck up a conversation with Lil' Papi. Turns out he and his family came all the way from Indianapolis to see the Sox take on the Evil Empire. HzMLS and I ask if he is a fan of other Boston sports. He and his dad mention the Celtics, but admit that their football allegiance lies with the Colts. HzMLS quotes a Meatloaf song. Some other gems from Lil' Papi:

When HzMLS began ribbing him for liking the Colts, Lil' Papi turned to him and asked "Hey, when's the last time your team won the Championship?"
HzMLS asked him who his favorite player is, not including Ortiz of course. Lil' Papi cited Ted Williams, which prompts HzMLS to ask if Lil' Papi knows the significance of the red seat in the bleachers. Lil' Papi explains that a man in the crowd of a Sox game fell asleep in that seat, so Ted Williams hit a home run off his head to wake him up.
Lil' Papi had a Spiderman camera. HzMLS asserts that Spiderman is the greatest superhero. I disagree, citing Batman, which prompts the following discussion:

Me: Batman is way better. He has the Batmobile. Have you ever heard of the Spidermobile?

HzMLS: So? He shoots webs. Does Batman shoot webs?

Me: No. He shoots blades out of his wrists.

HzMLS: Yeah, but can those blades save someone who is falling?

After a few beers, HzMLS quips that he would like a Lil' Papi hat to wear on his crotch.

Some other non-Lil' Papi gems from the night:

During one of Richie Sexson's ABs, the following fact appears on the JumboTron: "At 6'7", Sexson is the tallest position player in Yankees history." DHJ and I joke that it should read: "At 6'7", Sexson is the worst position player in Yankees history."
Jenny Cupcakes comments that she hates Robinson Cano, prompting avid approval from fans next to us, and even screams of "I HATE YOU!" during Cano's ABs.

Talking with the family in front of us, HzMLS and I struggle to name even one player on the Pacers. Our guesses of Stephen Jackson, Austin Croshere, Jermaine O'Neal, and Al Harrington are shot down. When we finally land on Jamaal Tinsley, Lil' Papi's dad informs us that the Pacers are trying to trade him.
HzMLS spies an acquaintance about 10 rows in front of us, and informs our group that he was FutureMrs.HzMLS's date to a high school prom. After some liquid encouragement, he shouts, "Hey! You know your junior prom date? Yeah, I'm marrying her!"
On our way out of the park, HzMLS begins talking about plans for his bachelor party. Jenny Cupcakes comments that she wishes she was a guy so she could go to bachelor parties. HzMLS tells her, "You're not a bachelor, you're a bachelorette! There's like a 6 1/2 inch difference."
I comment that we should sell advertising on the Ejected Fan, and use the proceeds to buy HzMLS alcohol at games, to fuel material for the site.

All in all, a great game, Sox were able to salvage one and fend off a sweep, thanks to some stellar pitching by future HOFer Jon Lester. And we got to see Big Papi go deep. But the night belonged to Lil' Papi.

2008 MLB All-Star Game, American League vs. National League, July 15, 2008 LIVE BLOG

2008-07-15T19:53:00.047-04:00

Hey readers, SB here, and I got the jones to do some live-blogging again, so I figured what better waste of time than the All-Star Game? Did anyone catch the awkward opening? I only caught the finale, and it was complete with a bunch of actors, athletes and comedians singing "New York, New York." Amongst the crew was Lawrence Taylor and Darryl Strawberry. Just throw Josh Hamilton in there and it'll make me wanna break out a bag of blow. We're about to get going so make sure to let me have it in the comments. Here are your lineups:

American League

1. Ichiro Suzuki, RF, Mariners
2. Derek Jeter, SS, Yankees
3. Josh Hamilton, CF, Rangers
4. Alex Rodriguez, 3B, Yankees
5. Manny Ramirez, LF, Red Sox
6. Milton Bradley, DH, Rangers
7. Kevin Youkilis, 1B, Red Sox
8. Joe Mauer, C, Twins
9. Dustin Pedroia, 2B, Red Sox

P Cliff Lee, Indians

National League

1. Hanley Ramirez, SS, Marlins
2. Chase Utley, 2B, Phillies
3. Lance Berkman, 1B, Astros
4. Albert Pujols, DH, Cardinals
5. Chipper Jones, 3B, Braves
6. Matt Holliday, RF, Rockies
7. Ryan Braun, LF, Brewers
8. Kosuke Fukudome, CF, Cubs
9. Geovany Soto, C, Cubs

P Ben Sheets, Brewers

Pregame

So they have a bunch of Hall of Famers standing near their respective positions and have the current starters come out and stand next to them. This is pretty cool, I guess. A few beefs with this though:

Wade Boggs wearing a Yankee hat? Come on.
No Yaz? Fisk? No Red Sox there period. Maybe because the classy Bronx clowns would no doubt boo them.
Tony Gwynn looks like he ate 4 other left fielders. Jesus.

Looks like the charade is over. Sheryl Crow with a sub-par version of the anthem and we're about ready to go. Wait...they're going to have every HOFer present throw out the first pitch(es)?? Good God. Steinbrenner looks non-functional. Like completely gone. OK, it's only the Yankees throwing out the pitches. You know most parks make this ceremony about baseball. Instead, this is being made about the Yankees. Arrogant, but not all that surprising. Let's play some ball.

Top 1

I want to punch Joe Buck in the face. Can we start this fucking game or what? Please? I tuned it at 8. It's 8:41. Let's fucking go. OK, here we go. First pitch at 8:48 according to my MacBook. Cliff Lee on the hill, former Sox prospect Hanley Ramirez at the plate. I am an unabashed Hanley fan. I think he's top 5 in terms of best players in baseball. And Lee looks sharp, he gets Hanley swinging. Now Utley. And Lee gets him swinging. Jeez, what is with Cliff Lee this year? He is a beast. And Berkman flies to center, and yay, yo! Hamilton catches it. A 1-2-3 inning.

Bottom 1

Ben Sheets on the hill for the NL, and singles hitter and owner of the low OBP Ichiro leads off. And hacker that he is, he pops the 2nd pitch to right, Holliday grabs it, one out. Now the Lord Christ steps up. He hits a chopper to 2nd that Utley can't handle the tough hop, and the son of God reaches. Buck already calling it a hit, I guess it is. And the greatest man who ever lived steals 2nd with Hamilton at the dish. Did you know he was on drugs? And Sheets blows him away. Now A-Rod with a runner on 2nd and two down. And he pops one foul. Soto catches it at the on-deck circle to end the inning. No score going into the 2nd.

Top 2

Pujols leading off. Joe Buck gushing over his skills. The beast that is Pujols grounds to the beast that is A-Rod, and there's one out. Now Larry Jones, and he swings at the first pitch and singles to center. Holliday now grounds to Youkie at first, his only play is to tag the Rockie coming down the line, and there's two outs. Another runner in scoring position with two outs, and here's Ryan Braun. And Lee tools him on 3 pitches, and after the pageant at the beginning, we have a fast-moving game.

Bottom 2

Friend of the EjF Ernie Dolan just informed me that Joe Buck said that the whiff of Braun was Lee's 2nd strikeout. Wrong, Mr. Buck. That would be K number three. Now Manny leads it off here in the 2nd. Zambrano loosening up for the NL. 2-0 to Manny, and he's hacking and pops one down the right field line towards the short porch, but foul. And Sheets comes back to fan Manny on a sick breaking pitch. Pitchers looks strong here in the early going. Here's Milton Bradley now. My hope is that Joe Buck says something stupid about Bradley, and Milton goes to the booth and murders him. Bradley walks, one on with one out and here's Youk. Are they booing or Youk-ing? We may never know. Bradley steals second now, and it's a full count to Youks. And Sheets gets him swinging, two gone. Man, both Sheets and Lee are on their games. Mauer stands in now, and he works a walk and now a big spot for another hometown player, Pedroia. I would love to see him pop one in a gap here. Instead he flies one to center, caught by Fukudome and we're through two, still no score.

Top 3

Yogi Berra in the booth for this inning, so let's hope it's a fast one. And wow. They're actually holding up play so they can talk to Berra. Ridiculous. Let's play the damn game. Fukudome leads off. Joe Saunders now in pitching for the AL. And Fuck-you-dome grounds to Youk, one out. Now Soto flies to center. Jeez, Yogi makes no sense. None. And Buck and McCarver aren't even calling any game action. This is like watching a game at a nursing home on mute. Just rely on yours truly to give you the game action, fans. Hanley up with two outs, and he singles to right, one on with two outs. Mumble mumble mumble, what the fuck is this guy talking about? This is painful. And Utley grounds to Youk, unassisted and we're done in the top of 3rd. Send Yogi away! Still scoreless.

Bottom 3

How many more moments are we going to have tonight where Fox tries to make it special, but it ends up just being painfully awkward, boring, and sad. Maybe they can have Steinbrenner do the New York Times crossword out loud. Zambrano comma Carlos in for the NL, dealing with the top of the AL order. Singles hitter Ichiro up, and he singles. Hopefully he'll try to snag second here as a heavenly spirit stands in. And he adds to his double-play totals for the season and there's quickly two down. Buck said right before the routine 6-4-3 that Ichiro "could be a home run hitter if he wanted to." Yeah, but who wants to do that? I would rather single (never a walk or extra-base hit), steal second, and count on my shit offense to get me home instead of taking the easy way out and hitting a bomb. It's simple math, look it up. And Hamilton cracks one, but right to second, and we're through three, scoreless.

Top 4

Halliday in for the AL and he's dealing with Berkman first. And Roy gets him swinging, one gone. Pujols is up, and he rips one down the right field line into the corner. He heads for second, but Ichiro guns it and and gets him! Wow, for all the Ichiro bashing I do, I gotta say, guy is tremendous in the field. What a cannon. Looks like Pujols beat it on the replay actually. Throw was there in plenty of time but God never tagged him. And now Larry hits a chopper over Halliday's head. The greatest player ever gloves and throws him out, and we're on to the bottom of the 4th.

Bottom 4

Zambrano still in, and A-Rod leads off. And Z gets him swinging, one down. Now Manny, and a crazy curve from Z over Manny's head on the first pitch. Weird. And he grounds to second, Utley ranges over and makes the play, two down. They just showed a hit chart for Manny, showing his batting averages in each sector of the strike zone, at "hot-and-cold" chart, if you will. McCarver is disputing it. Stupid stat geeks with their "facts" and their "research." Go back to your mom's basement, am I right? Bradley up, and he grounds one to short, but Hanley air-mails the throw and Bradley reaches on the error. Now Youkie. But no! Bradley gets picked off first! Inning over! Heading to the 5th now, still scoreless.

Top 5

Some changes for the AL. Hamilton getting a sniff of left now, so Manny is out. Sizemore into center. And Ervin San-tana (ay!) in, dealing with Holliday first. And he lines one into the seats in right, 1-0 NL. Drilled it right into the short porch, nice rip. Now Braun. He chops one up the middle, Pedroia ranges, gloves, and throws him out, one away. Now A-Rod lifted from the field so he can get a nice hand, Crede in to play 3rd. Nice gesture from Tito as always. Cock-suckie Fuck-you-dome up now, and San-tana (ay!) gets him swinging. Two outs for Soto. Another K, San-tana (ay!) gets him looking and we're done with four and a half, 1-0 NL.

Bottom 5

Changes for the NL: Nate McLouth in center, Russell Martin now behind the dish, and Dan Haren in to pitch. Dealing with Youks first, and he pops one into right, one down. Here's Mauer who walked his first time. He hits a high chopper up the middle, nicks off the tip of Haren's glove and Mauer reaches. Scored a hit, and Kinsler in to pinch-run for Mauer. Pedroia up now, and let's see if Kinsler is running. He is, and he steals second. Close play! Let's see the replay. He was safe, great throw though. Now Pedroia takes ball four and we have two on with one out. Ichiro up here. If it's true that he can hit homers if he wants to, then now would be a good time for one. Or maybe Joe Buck is an idiot. You be the judge. And instead Haren fans him. Two on, two out, and the greatest human in history is up. Two outs, so the clutch double-play is off the table. He's in the hole 1-2, Haren appears to be dealing. And he hits a clutch grounder to the mound! He's gritty! He's gutty! He's out! Bring on the 6th!

Top 6

Changes: Morneau at first, Kinsler stays in at 2nd, Drew takes over in right, the most undeserving All Star in history behind the dish, and Duchscherer (yes I had to pause the DVR to get the spelling) is on the hill. Hanley will lead it off here. Is it me, or is Clint Hurdle making NO subs? Hanley rips one to left for a single. Hanging curve. I think we'll see the Christ child replaced mid-inning at some point here. Utley up now, and let's see if Hanley gets in on the base stealing we've seen all night. He goes, but Utley fouls one off. He goes again, and this time Utley singles to right and we've got some first and third action with no outs and the 3-4-5 hitters coming up. Berkman here, and Sherrill warming up for the AL. Berkman rips one to deep center, Sizemore tracks it down, but it's plenty deep enough to score Hanley, 2-0 NL. Now Jeter is replaced, it's Michael Young coming in, and Pujols up for the NL. He rips a single to center and two on with one out. I think we may be seeing Sherrill soon. Larry Jones now up. Duchscherer gets him swinging now, and there's two gone. Nice pitching here, and now Holliday, and he pops one up. Shallow center, Kinsler out, snags it, and we're headed to the bottom of the 6th, 2-0 NL.

Bottom 6

Maybe some subs for the NL here? Yes! Adrian Gonzalez in at first, Uggla at 2nd, Tejada at short, Aramis Ramirez at 3rd. Only one change in the outfield, Corey Hart takes over in right. Hamilton leading off for the AL, and he smacks one to center off Haren for a single. Crede up now, and he pops it to second for out number one. Grady Sizemore next with one on and one out. Hamilton goes, and he steals second. Martin threw it into center, but the ball was back in before Hamilton could even dust himself off. Haren disposes of Sizemore by way of the K, and now Bradley. One pitch, a fly to center, and Bradley is done and so is the AL. Bring on the 7th, 2-0 NL.

Top 7

Joe Nathan pitching, Carlos Quentin in left. Braun the first to face Nathan, and he fans for the first out. Nate McLouth, the lone Pirates rep. stands in. He flies to center for the second out. Papelbon getting loose, most likely for the 8th. Russell Martin comes up now, and he quickly flies to left, spotless 1-2-3 for Nathan, here comes Josh Groban to sing GBA, and then the bottom of the 7th, 2-0 NL.

Bottom 7

Every time I see Josh Groban, I think of this. I can't help it. Ryan Ludwick in left for the NL, Volquez on the hill. AL trying to plate their first run, Morneau will try to get it going. And he does, leadoff double to right. Kinsler now, and he grounds to Tejada, Morneau advances to third on the putout. Tek won't get an AB, thank you Tito. He's trying to win this game, at least. Navarro up. And Volquez gets him looking. Jeez, Navarro, Varitek could have (would have) done that. JD Drew will now try to get this run home from third, but tougher now with two outs. Tough? Fuck that, says JD. But probably a lot nicer, because he's Christian and such. He crushes one to right and gone, tie game, 2-2! 2 run bomb JD Drew! Hell yes! After some claps and fist pumps from me, Michael Young K's. But a whole new ballgame here, as Drew does it all, 2-2 going to the 8th.

Top 8

Navarro stays in to catch, Papelbon on the hill to start the 8th. Miguel Tejada to lead off. He bloops a little flare into right, leadoff single. The Bronx bums are ALL OVER Papelbon, and the hit from Tejada didn't help. Uggla with his first AB here, and it's quickly 0-2. And he makes Uggla look silly and quiets the crowd with a swing and a miss at some high gas, one out. Adrian Gonzalez up now, and Tejada takes off on the first pitch. He snags second, and Navarro throws it into center and Tejada takes third. Great. Gonzalez flies to left and Tejada comes to the plate. Throw from Quentin is not in time, NL re-takes the lead 3-2. Can't really blame Paps for this one. And now he freezes David Wright with a heater on the black, inning over. Bottom 8 on the way, 3-2.

Bottom 8

Former Beach Boy Brian Wilson in for the NL to face Quentin. He flies a 2-0 pitch to center for out number one. Carlos Guillen now. Joe Buck mentions that he is the AL's last available position player. They then proceed to show Evan Longoria in the dugout with a helmet on. They also show Francona's lineup card with every name crossed out except Longoria's. Buck repeats that Guillen is the last bench player. What a fucking idiot. When Longoria comes to the plate, Buck's head may explode. Guillen working a nice AB here, fouling off some tough pitches. And Wilson wins the battle with some good vibrations on his fastball, Guillen can't catch up with it. That will do it for Wilson, pitching change in the 8th, Billy Wagner coming in to face Grady Sizemore. Longoria on deck and hey! Buck finally realized it! And Sizemore singles and we will see the last bench player for the AL here. Lidge getting loose for the NL, and Longoria has a chance to be a hero here. Ball one. Foul ball down the 3rd base line, 1-1. Longoria chops one foul at the dish, 1-2. Next pitch is up and in ball two, and Sizemore steals second uncontested. Now a hit ties it, here comes the 2-2. And its roped down the left field line, a fair ball! Hops into the seats, ground-rule double, Sizemore scores, tie game! 3-3! Huge hit! Now Morneau can give the AL the lead. But he grounds to the mound, Wagner takes it all the way to first, a rare 1U and the 8th is over, but not before the AL ties it. 3-3, heading to the 9th.

Top 9

We can't have a tie, because this time, it counts! K-Rod into pitch, Guillen stays in to play 3rd. Aramis Ramirez leading things off in the 9th. And he leads it off with a walk. Christian Guzman in to pinch-run as Corey Hart steps in. He wears his sunglasses at night, and he flies to right. That rhymes. Ludwick steps in, but first, enter sandman. K-Rod out, Mariano in, Yankee Stadium erupts like a cherry bomb dropped into a toilet. How funny would it be if he blew it here? I want the AL to win, but I can hear it now. "And Ludwick hits one deeper than anything Hamilton hit last night!" And Hamilton rocks, believe me. So here we go. Full count now, Guzman goes, swing and a miss strike three, and the throw down is in time! Strike em out, throw em out, inning over! Bottom 9 now, still knotted at 3.

Bottom 9

According to Wikipedia, the Red Sox have been involved in every walk-off home run in All-Star game history. There have been three in all. Can JD Drew hit one? He's up third in the 9th. Ryan Dempster in for the NL, Ian Kinsler leads off. 8 walk-off hits in All-Star history, the last was a walk-off double by Moises Alou in 1994. Kinsler goes down swinging, and now Navarro. And nice pitch from Dempster on 3-2 that gets him swinging, 2 down. Stage is set for JD Drew, here we go. First pitch is low, but called a strike, 0-1. Next offering is up and away, ball one. Now a pitch in a dirt, 2-1. Dempster delivers and it's up and away again, 3-1. Hitters count, but Drew takes a high strike, full count. And the 3-2 pitch gets Drew looking, nasty. And we're going to extras. This time it counts! 3-3 tie.

Top 10

Buck just said "this time it counts" as McLouth stands in. Both Aaron Cook and Brad Lidge warming for the NL. Rivera still in for the AL, and he deals to the lefty. Full count, and McLouth fouls one off and breaks his bat. Soria getting loose for the AL. Rivera freezes McClouth with a pitch on the outside corner, strike three. One out for Russell Martin. And he works a real tough at bat that ends with a single to right. One on, one out, here's Tejada. 10 HR at the break for him, in case inquiring minds were wondering. Former All-Star game MVP as well. I think whomever gets the winning hit will be this year's MVP. Martin runs, and Tejada singles up the middle! First and third, one out! Now Uggla...Mariano trying to work out of this jam. And Uggla grounds to second, Kinsler, Young, Morneau! Twin killing (ed. note - Morneau still alive), inning over! I find myself rooting hard for the AL; 3-3, bottom 10 awaits.

Bottom 10

We're closing in on midnight on the East Coast, but SB ain't quitting on you just yet. Aaron Cook in, Michael Young leads off. Chopper up the middle, Uggla gloves and drops it! E4, runner on first, no outs. Now Carlos Quentin, and he hits a hard one-hopper to Uggla, and he boots this one! Right through the 5-hole! That was a tailor-made double-play ball, and back to back E4's, winning run now at 3rd with no outs. Hurdle out for a chat, and they'll give Guillen a free pass to load them up, no outs for Sizemore. Infield in, outfield in, ball one to Sizemore. Now a grounder down the first base line aaaannd...foul. 1-1. Now a grounder right at Uggla, he makes a clean play, throws home to get the sure out, throw onto first is not in time. Young forced at the plate, bases still loaded but now one out. Now infield backs up looking for the DP. Longoria up, and he grounds to 3rd. Guzman is gonna come home, and he's got Quentin, 2 out! WOW. Bases STILL loaded but now TWO outs! Insane. Here's Morneau. What a job by Cook so far. Slow roller to Tejada, he charges, gloves, throws on the moooovveee....got him! Inning over! What a play! What a game! 3-3, bring on the 11th!

Top 11

This is a great game so far. I kinda want to go to bed, but man. I am enjoying myself here, I hope I have some loyal readers enjoying it with me. Soria now in for the AL, he's dealing with Gonzalez first. And he slaps one to left-center for a leadoff single. David Wright up now. And Soria gets him swinging, nasty stuff, one gone. Christian Guzman stands in and takes strike one. This is his first AB of the game, and he's quickly down 0-2. Soria gets him on a fly to center, 2 gone. I Wear My Sunglasses At Night blares through the Yankee Stadium speakers as Corey Hart steps in. He flicks one to right, Drew grabs it, and we're done with the top of the 11th. Kinsler, Navarro, Drew coming up, 3-3 ballgame.

Bottom 11

Cook still in, and here's Kinsler. He bloops one that falls safely in front of McLouth in center, and the leadoff man is on again for the AL. And my cable just cut out! I have no idea what's going on! As I hurried to open GameDay on MLB.com, it came back. Whew! Kinsler goes, pitch-out! And they got him! One down! Looks like Tejada never touched him on the replay. Looked like the right call to me with the naked eye, so who knows. Now Navarro walks, so the winning run is back on first, this time with one out, and here's Drew. And he quickly singles on the first pitch, two on! Yeah, JD! Buck mentions for the 294,671st time that the AL is out of bench players. Thanks, Joe. Michael Young up now with a chance to be a hero. And he singles to center, here comes Navarro to the plate! McClouth up and throwing, here it is, and he's out! They got him, game still tied! They couldn't run for Navarro! They're out of bench players! I just realized that the AL is batting 1.000 this inning, and there are two outs. Runners at 2nd and 3rd for Quentin. 2-0 pitch is grounded to Guzman, who gloves, throws across his body, and got him at first! Inning over! Still tied at 3, here comes the 12th.

Top 12

As we go deeper and deeper into the night, the chances become greater that this game gets called. Soria still in for a second inning of work. Ludwick leads it off. And he starts it off with a walk. McLouth lays down a sac bunt, Morneau scoops and flips a little slow to Kinsler covering and Nate beats it! Maybe some confusion as to if Morneau or Soria would field it. And now Martin bunts to Morneau again, he gloves and gets him, but runners at 2nd and 3rd now with one out for Tejada. They'll put him on and face Uggla with the bases loaded and one out. AL will be looking for a DP here. Soria quickly gets ahead 0-2. And he gets him on a nasty curve! Holy shit what a game. Now 2 outs, bases still loaded and here comes Tito to get Sherrill to face Adrian Gonzalez for the lefty-lefty matchup. Remember when I thought Sherrill was going to come in in the 6th? That seems like a week ago. He's essentially the AL's last pitcher - they have Kazmir, but he started for the Rays on Sunday, so this could get dicey. Here we go. First pitch from Sherrill is strike one looking. Next pitch is nasty, swinging strike, 0-2. And 3 pitches, strikeout and inning over. Filthy stuff. Can you wait for the bottom of the 12th? I can't. 3 all.

Bottom 12

I smell a walk-off bomb. I don't know why - my brain isn't actually working full strength at 20 of 1 here. Good thing I don't have to be up in 5 and a half hours. Oh wait... Anyway, here's Guillen, and he swings at the first pitch and cranks it deep to left! Back to the wall is Ludwick, and...it's...off the wall! Guillen checks into second with a double. Damn. I smelled a walk-off and I thought he had it. Sizemore up now, and he grounds it to Uggla, who gets him at first, but Grady does his job, runner moves to 3rd and now one out. Longoria now to face Cook. Winning run 90 feet away, infield in again, outfield in again. And he chops one down the third-base line...juuust foul, 1-2 count. And then Cook gets Longoria swinging! 2 outs! Will this game ever end? Runner still at 3rd for Morneau, and they'll put him on to face Kinsler. First and 3rd, two outs, will Kinsler be the hero? Stay tuned. Morneau moved up to second on the first pitch, ball one. His run does not matter, of course. Fouled off, 1-1. Cook delivers, and Kinsler grounds to Guzman, onto first and they got him. What a job by Aaron Cook, holy shit. If the NL wins, he gets my vote for MVP. 13 innings? You bet. 3-3.

Top 13

Sherrill still in, David Wright up. And he shatters his bat and bloops one into right for a base hit. Leadoff single, one on, no outs. Here's Christian Guzman. Bunt? He squares, pulls back, and takes a ball. They just mentioned that Kazmir threw 104 pitches Sunday. Jeez. What happens if they have to go to him? Guzman gets it down, Sherrill fields, goes to second, and gets Wright! Nice play, one out. Corey Hart now, runner on first is Guzman. And Sherrill gets him swinging for out number two. Ludwick stands in now. I gotta say, if I were a Rays fan and Kazmir pitches, I would not be happy. Not really Francona's fault; you'd have to put this on Selig. I bet he is sweating right now. 3-0 on Ludwick. He pops a 3-1 pitch to second, Kinsler snags it, and we're done with the top of 13th. Navarro, Drew, Young, likely against Marmol. Can the AL break the 3-3 tie and end this game?

Bottom 13

I think I'm quitting after this inning loyal readers. If it doesn't end here, I'll be sure to post something about the end of the game tomorrow right here. But let's not get ahead of ourselves - let's see what happens. It is Marmol, and here's Navarro. He bounces one to second. Uggla doesn't boot it and gets Navarro at first, one away. JD Drew, send me to bed! Swing and a miss, strike one. Now 2-1, and a pitch just inside ball three. Drew takes strike two, full count. And he rolls one to Uggla, who boots it! Drew reaches! Tough hop, but come on, you gotta make that play. Another E4, one on, one out. Kazmir was warming earlier, but now he's seated. Interesting. Michael Young now, can he end it? Full count now, one out, McCarver convinced Drew will be running. I agree. He goes, strike three, but Drew steals 2nd. So he's there with two outs, Quentin up trying to end it now. Popped foul back behind the plate and out of play, strike one. Hard pitch but out of the zone, ball one, 1-1. Now a curve for a strike, 1-2. Quentin fouls one off to stay alive. And Marmol gets him swinging! Going to the 14th, I'm going to bed! Crazy game, but I can't do it anymore. Goodnight, all! Let me know how it ends!

that's all i have to say about that.

2008-06-30T07:29:00.001-04:00

2008 All Star Game Selection Special!!! American League installment. Go!

2008-06-27T11:12:00.006-04:00

okay, we get it. most hardcore baseball types think the All Star game is hogwash - an anachronistic, gratuitous exhibition that lost its interest-worthiness years ago. i can see the line of reasoning here: casual fans vote in the wrong players, prima donna stars don't bother to show up for the game, and managers play favorites when selecting reserves. (come on, Joe Torre. jeff nelson? paul quantrill? NO ONE wants to see middle relievers in this game. really. not even Joey from Brooklyn.)

but me? i LOVE the All Star game. i like voting. i like asking in the second week of April, "do you think so-and-so will be an all star this year?" i like watching the home run derby. and while people use to complain that the Game didn't mean anything, they complained even more when Bud changed the rules with the whole World Series home field advantage thingy. as a Sox fan though, you have to like what Papi and Manny did in the '04 Midsummer classic (the home field advantage-nullifying four game sweep of the Cards notwithstanding).

so for the first time ever, i am pouring through the leader boards and picking out my own all stars. here are my rules:
1. forget about current balloting results. i know he's a "star," but Junior Griffey does NOT deserve to be on the all star team this year. also, Varitek shouldn't even be sniffing the Bronx come July 15th. some form of ballot control needs to be enacted to prevent these sorts of travesties. (remember when David Bell almost started at 3rd in 2001 because of all the Mariners-obsessed Japanese going crazy?) the best players at each position will start the game.
2. forget about past performance. this might skew balloting, but i think it also skews the players' peer selection and the managers' reserve selections.
3. same rules for team representation and roster size. some people say it's dumb that each team needs to be represented, and for the most part i agree. although if i were a Pirates or Royals fan, i'm sure i'd feel differently. also, each squad has 32 players, the 32nd being voted in on that whole "last player selected" ballot they have with the five choices (usually ends up being a Red Sox player). i'm just going to select them all myself because i feel like our 4 readers would introduce some sort of bias into any online voting.
4. traditional (read: not always informative) and sabermetric stats will be used to determine the best players. to a degree. yes, mike mussina has 10 wins, but he's not an all star. a healthy batting average could get you in, though. if you're leading your position in OPS, i think you belong in. a good FRAA probably scores you plenty of tail on the road, so it should also help your All Star credentials. (sorry, Hanley.)

so, without further adieu, i give you your 2008 American League (aka the little big league - ya know, only 14 teams?) All Star Team:

SP: Ervin Santana, LAA - a Santana starting the All Star game, but probably not the one you expected. 9-3 record, 3.32 ERA (9th) , 1.07 WHIP (3rd), 99 K's (2nd), and hitters are OPS'ing a measely .616 against him (4th). granted his BABIP is an unsustainably low .257 (teammate Joe Saunders' is .230!!!!) so he might come back to Earth a tad between now and then, but most of his stats, including his peripherals, indicate he has probably been the best starter in the AL this season. i think this is a toss-up between Santana and Cliff Lee, but honestly, I don't think Lee will be around for the Cy Young debate in September. I think Santana will be.

C: Joe Mauer, MIN - this is a tough crop to choose from. posada's been hurt (and wasn't going to repeat last season, anyway), Pudge has been off the juice for years now, and Kevin Cash just doesn't play often enough to garner the necessary attention. [sidenote - that was a joke.] (Amazingly, while doing the research for this, i discovered that Jason Varitek doesn't even qualify for the batting title based on AB's. not that he has a shot at it obviously, and in fact only 5 catchers in the AL qualify. i wonder if this is why a catcher winning the batting title is so rare?) anyway, Mauer is hitting a healthy .323 with a .407 OBP, so it's tough to complain despite his 2 dingers. plus he's got those boyish good looks.

1B: Kevin Youkilis, BOS - this is a toss up between Youk and Ron Jeriambi. But since the latter is a cheater, we'll give it to Youkilis. also in his favor: .913 OPS, 13 bombs, stellar defense, and (somehow) facial hair that is less ugly than the Giambino's. generally speaking, AL first baseman are a wholly underachieving lot this year.

2B: Ian Kinsler, TEX - there's not even competition here. he leads amongst second baseman in OPS and homers, is second in steals and doubles, and also leads the league in first name vowel:consonant ratio.

3B: alex rodriguez, NYY - he's not as overrated as everyone thinks. this is another category without competition.

SS: derek jeter, NYY - i actually wrote "just kidding!" after that originally, but scouring the other shortstops in the AL, i sadly announce that derek jeter deserves all the votes he is getting. bad defense and baserunning aside, there's really no one else having a good enough season to shove him out of the way.(if Jhohnnhyh Phehrhaltha wasn't OBP'ing .294, it'd be his spot.) o, Jed Lowrie, where art thee?

LF: Manny Ramirez, BOS - this is a very close call between Manny and Carlos Quentin of the White Sox, but given how i feel about each of these Sox teams, the answer wasn't so hard. Quentin actually edges out Manny in most every category, with the exception of "joints smoked in the green monster."

CF: Josh Hamilton, TEX - he probably isn't not the reason i'm running away with one of my fantasy teams. he's a triple crown candidate and a really, really good walking example of why to stick to booze and gambling, and to lay off the crack pipe.

RF: J.D. Drew, BOS - i'm not just playing homeboy here. i've loved Drew since, like, forever (ask anyone - i swear i wasn't booing every 4-6-3 GIDP last season...okay, maybe i booed the 2,359,864th one.) his OPS is almost 100 points higher than the second place dude, Jermaine Dye, plus Jesus loves him. (this i know, for the bible told me so.)

DH: Milton Bradley, TEX - honestly, i was just scared not to put him on this list. although he leads the league in OPS, so...

The other 22:
Pitchers: Cliff Lee-CLE, Felix Hernandez-SEA (lone Mariners rep), Joe Saunders-LAA, Jon Lester-BOS, Roy Halladay-TOR (lone Jays rep, although Shawn Marcum makes a compelling case and should be on the team if there are any injuries), Zack Greinke-KC, James Shields-TB, Francisco Rodriguez-LAA, mariano rivera-NYY, Joakim Soria-KC, Joe Nathan-MIN
C: A.J. Pierjerkski-CWS
1B: jason giambi-NYY
2B: Brian Roberts-BAL
3B: Evan Longoria-TB
SS: Jhonny Peralta-CLE, Bobby Crosby-OAK (lone A's rep)
OF: Carlos Quentin-CWS, Jermaine Dye-CWS, Magglio Ordonez-DET (lone Tigers rep), Grady Sizemore-CLE, Nick Markakis-BAL

if anyone gets hurt, i say put Brandow Morrow-SEA on the team. i know he's a middle reliever (well, temporary closer), but his numbers have been nasty.

i'm looking for comments, suggestions, disagreements, and endorsements. bring 'em on.

Mad Clown Part 2: The Sinister Laugh

2008-06-24T22:13:00.007-04:00

Making our way to Fenway park on the T, we encounter a youth basketball team from Mattapan. I am quickly corrected, one player says “It’s Murder-Pan not Mattapan.” He then refers to the Savin Hill stop on the Ashmont line as Stab ‘n Kill. The team is discussing the game that they played that day including when one player tripped to the floor and started crying. The Muderpan kid asks Dubbschism, “Would you cry if there were chicks in the stands?” Dubbschism replies, “How hot are they? It depends do they like sensitive guys.”

Mad Clown 2: The Sinister Laugh

Already late for the game, Dubbschism and Zeitgeist are jonesing for Mojitos and get a quick Mojito at Father Dards while EF and Smarty Barrett enter into the game. Immediately we are greeted by the prescence of an old friend, the infamous, Mad Clown. There is an exchange between The Mad Clown and a food vendor at Fenway. The Mad Clown yells to the vendor “Got Pickels? Right here we got a pregnant lady.”(In Reference to his pregnant wife.) Again he makes a reference to his pregnant wife by saying, “She’s got one hot in the oven. Not even sure if it’s mine but I’ll support her.” His wife responds in a drunken slur, “ I’ m not even sure about the last two…”
In reference to the numerous guys at Fenway without shirts, the Mad Clown states, “ I would take my shirt off, but I didn’t shave my chest before coming to the park.” In reference to the shirtless fan issue, Ejected Fan shouts, “ Get skin cancer and die!” Dustin Pedroia and Curt Schillings wive’s do not approve of the preceding statement. Dubbshism, Smarty Barrett and EF have a bet on to the residence of the Mad Clown.
Smarty Barrett picks Dorchester while Dubbschism chooses Revere and Ejected Fan, Malden. Unfortunately for these bloggers, the Mad Clown and his constituency left during the fourth inning never to return to their seats. We hope to see a revival of the Mad Clown at Future games. Dubbschism has perfected his Mad Clown laugh and impression.

Smarty Barrett Photo Op with JD Drewwwww Sign Fans

The couple in front of us at the game were taking photos of themselves by holding their camera at arms length in front of them. Smarty Barrett took this opportunity to stick his head in with tongue out and then preceded to insert his middle finger into the photos. Upon reviewing the photos in zoom mode, the couple realized this hijinx and started to laugh. Another annoying trait of this couple was to hold up JD Drewwwww signs that were passed out at Fenway Park for St Louis player Jason Larue. When they called Jason Larue up to bat, these fair weather fans had no idea which team was at bat and decided to hold up their JD Drew signs. When they did hold the signs up for the real Drew earlier in the game, he did hit a home run so there was some level of good luck to the whole sign thing. At one point they held the signs in such a manner that Ejected fans vantage point was similar to a letter box movie.

Notable Quotes and Observations

A fan tells his wife among other BS that the temperature is in triple digits.
A drunken comment overheard by Zeitgeist “Duck you… say another thing to my friend and I’ll put you in a ducking Mayonnaise jar.” Smarty Barrett can only assume his last name is Hellman’s.
At one point EF tells a youngster not to go the long way down the aisle and informing him that next time he should go the other way later realizing the youngster was deaf. Later EF witnessed this fan holding this sign:
Tickets: $500
Soda: $4.50
Gas to Boston: $100
Driving my drunk family home: Priceless
(By the way this child was about 12 years old)
Laney Boggs was the pitcher for the St Louis Cardinals
Smarty Barrett cannot remove the cap from EF’s pen. Ejected Fan responds “Dude, what the duck is wrong with you? It’s not the sword in the stone!”
There is a guy with a “Spitters are Quitters” T Shirt. Where are all the winners?
The 1985 hit Power of the Lover by Huey Lewis from and the News is Craig Hansen’s into song. Dubbschism quips, “Hansen was conceived to this song!”
Dubbschism in reference to the 9-3 differential states, “How Awesome would it be if they came back and won this game?” Smarty Barrett responds, “ I would light cars on fire!” Ejected Fan responds, “I would light babies on fire! A LA Rambo. I will toss them in the air and light them*.”

Because this game was such a blow out, we leave early to get food at Father Dard’s otherwise known as La Verdad to those not native to New Mexico. Friday EF will be blogging from the Pearl Jam show in Hartford. Also EF is planning a report from the Baseball HOF in Cooperstown NY. Stay tuned.

*Please note the ejected fan in know way condones the killing of babies even for sport.

Ejected Fan meets Red Sox Legend Brian Daubach

2008-06-24T20:31:00.005-04:00

Friday evening (Saturday Morning at 3 AM) at Daisy Buchanan's on Newbury street in Boston Ejected Fan had the pleasure of meeting Brian Daubach. Here is the exclusive exchange for EF.

E.F: Brian Daubach, What are you doing here? (Shaking Daubach's hand)

Daubach: I'm here to watch St Louis...

E.F: Dauber, you had some monster home runs for the Sox. You are the man!!

Daubach: Thank you!

E.F high fives with fist knuckles...

My cell phone is like the internet's little sister.

2008-06-18T21:35:00.005-04:00

dubbschism mobile blogging, watching Rays vs. Cubs (possible World Series preview?) from a restaurant. i've come to the conclusion that Joe Maddon looks like Gene Hackman's character Brill in 'Enemy of the State,' starring Will Smith, lots of guys with spiky hair, and...uh, Gene Hackman.

FutureMr.EddieVedder

2008-06-15T14:35:00.003-04:00

Randomly found this picture of the Ejected Fan on my computer today...

Not only a client, the President

2008-06-14T14:41:00.004-04:00

The first insallment of Smarty Barrett's "theme teams." Today's theme - Presidents:

C: Dan Wilson

1B: Reggie Jefferson

2B: Adam Kennedy

SS: Russ Adams

3B: Charlie Hayes

LF: Craig Monroe

CF: Otis Nixon

RF: Joe Carter

DH: Reggie Jackson

SP: Randy Johnson

SP: Whitey Ford

SP: Dave Bush

RP: Jermaine Van Buren

MANAGER: Ron Washington

This just takes the motherfucking cake.

2008-06-12T20:08:00.003-04:00

Crozzie's latest. Warning: NSFW.

I just want to put something to rest, once and for all.

2008-06-11T10:04:00.006-04:00

i don't like the Chicago White Sox. i don't like their manager, i don't like their general manager, i don't like how they got lucky in 2005 and beat the Red Sox on their way to winning the World Series, i don't like "Ozzie Ball," i don't like "Smart Ball," i don't like the fact that every mainstream sportswriter liked to splooge in their pants talking about Scott Podsednik in 2005 when somehow he made the All-Star Team and placed 12th in MVP voting, all whilst OPS+'ing a whopping 86.

i especially don't like that this piece of shit team as currently constructed is sitting in first place atop the AL Central (crappiest division in baseball, to be sure) and that Crozzie (crazy+Ozzie=Crozzie) Guillen is getting all the credit.

i'd like to find some tidy explanation as to why the White Sox are overachieving, but it's actually kind of hard. first off, they're actually underperforming their Pythagorean W-L by three games. they're 6-7 in one-run games, so it's not like they have any good luck in that department. they do play the vastly underachieving Tigers and Indians 18 times each this season (including 7 and 9 games against them already, respectively), and of course they get to beat up on Kansas City for a good 1/9th of their games too. on the other hand, the Twins have all these luxuries as well but sit 6.5 games behind the South Siders.

so i guess it's pretty obvious that the Sox are winning because of Crozzie and his magical rants. right? i mean, they reeled of seven straight wins after his most recent tirade. so according to the laws of cause and effect, it is clear that because Ozzie Guillen said lots of swears on Sunday, June 1st, his team got their heads out of their asses and started playing baseball. (What nobody mentions is that on Sunday, June 8th, i lathered myself up with dish soap and repeatedly zoomed down a Pirates of the Caribbean slip n' slide, opening myself up to a variety of potential nipple injuries, and the White Sox won their next two games. imagine if i didn't use dish soap!) (also, what nobody mentions is that the White Sox were already in fucking first place before Ozzie jumped off the deep end.)

if you follow the White Sox, or Crozzie, or Baseball, or Sports, or Crazy Lunatics, then there is a 99.99999% chance this isn't the first time you've heard about Ozzie Guillen lashing out at his team. the guy's words are newsworthy everytime he opens his mouth, certainly, but on several occasions he's ripped into his own team, just like on June 1st.

May 28th, 2006, after losing to the Blue Jays 2-3 in the 11th inning (and stranding 13 runners in the process): "We're not executing," Guillen told the Chicago Sun-Times. "If we think we're going to play like this, and they think they're going to be a contender and in the pennant race, well, they'd better look at themselves in the mirror. My job is to try and win games and that's what I'm going to do. If they don't like what I say, they can leave and do whatever they want to do. We're better than this. We're way better than this." White Sox record in the next 7 games: 3-4. Reason this rant failed: forgot to call out the hitting coach (by name) and threaten him with his job.
May 30th, 2007, after losing to the Twins 6-7:"I'm going to get fired? Good. Is this team going to get better having me out of there? I'd be too happy with it. But as long as I'm here, we've got to play better. As long as I'm here, we have to play better," Guillen said after the fourth straight loss by the White Sox (24-24). "Offense, defense, pitching, manager, coaches, we all stink," Guillen said. White Sox record in the next 7 games: 2-5. Reason this rant failed: Not enough f-bombs.
August 31st, 2007, after losing to the Rangers 4-5 in 11 innings: "Well, they're killing me," Guillen said. "They're killing my family. They're killing my coaching staff, killing the White Sox fans. They kill the owner. They kill everyone. I hope they feel the same way we feel." White Sox record in the next 7 games: 3-4. Reason this rant failed: He brought his family into it. (that's a big no-no in the world of inspiring ranting and raving.)

so there you have it. Ozzie has reamed his team before, on at least three different occasions, and they responded by going 3-4, 2-5, and 3-4. but this year, things are different. this year, Ozzie has finally honed his ranting skills to motivate his team to win seven straight against the mediocre/mighty Twins and Royals, moving all the way up in the standings from first place to first place. this year...ah fuck it. i still say the White Sox miss the playoffs.

BUT FOR THE LOVE OF SCIENCE, PLEASE STOP SAYING THE WHITE SOX WON SEVEN IN A ROW BECAUSE OZZIE GUILLEN HAS A POTTY MOUTH.

thank you.

Hot Town Summer in the City: Saturday Red Sox Crush Mariners Game Report, 6/7/08 vs. Seattle Mariners

2008-06-10T09:18:00.010-04:00

My record at the games I have attended at Fenway this season is 7-1. However, I am not so delusional as to believe that I have a direct impact on the outcome of any game. With the best home record in baseball, the Sox just play well at Fenway. Up until Friday evening the Sox had not lost a game at Fenway since May 1. However, today their line up was again atrophied by the absence of Ortiz for the sixth straight game, but they still managed to put up some big innings against Seattle pitching. The seventy million dollar man, JD Drew , is finally starting to hit the cover off the ball. Despite a tight hammy, Slap-happy (Manny Ramirez) is hitting the ball to all fields.

We start our day off at La Verdad. Not to be confused with the home of Celtics Player Paul Pierce, La Verdad is a Mexican Taqueria on Landsdowne street next to Jillian’s. We miss the first couple of innings of the game waiting for our food to be served. The TV is finally tuned to the Fox broadcast and we see a towering shot by Manny Ramirez that goes over everything. Due to the broadcast delay, we hear the applause about four seconds before we see Manny hit the home run. The Fox broadcast zooms in on a garage attendant who tracks down the ball in the garage on Landsdowne street. Dubbschism kids, “There goes the ball” as he points to Landsdowne street at our vantage point about 200 yards from that garage.

With the hype of the Celtics in the NBA finals, our focus shifted to discussion of the finals and how Kobe Bryant and Lebron James do not hold a candle to Michael Jordan. Knight Rider goes on to state, “Michael Jordan made moves in the air that I’ve only seen small kittens make.” The style of play in the NBA today is certainly different than it was in the eighties and nineties…

Breathalyzer Guy

After finishing our Mexican fare and buckets of Corona at La Verdad, we enter the park in the third inning and head to the pavilion standing room section of Fenway. Immediately upon entering the section we see a guy blowing into a breathalyzer. The Ejected Fan inquires, “Does that start your car?” Breathalyzer guy responds, “No, but it drops my girlfriend’s panties.” Ejected Fan wonders whether one can blow a 4.0 which, would be Summa Cum Laude by Blood Alcohol standards. Upon further research E.F has deemed this feat impossible because death almost always imminently occurs at .40 percent.

At this point in the evening EF was achieving probably a .059% BAC with mild euphoria, relaxtion, talkativeness etc…In reference to our blog monikers, Breathalyzer guy asks Double Dragon, “How did you come up with the name Double Dragon? Were you on a 6 day drug binge when later you found out that you did 2 chicks at the same time?"

Knight Rider Celebrates his Birthday
Today was Knight Rider’s birthday. He celebrated in a few different ways:

Broadcasting Solo-Mad libs (Mad Libs done without the help of others) to a captive audience on the second floor of the Baseball Tavern.
While at Baseball Tavern, “867-5309” by Tommy Tutone
starts playing on the jukebox. A thoroughly inebriated (BAC .11-.20) Birthday Boy decides to dial 617-867-5309. He then leaves a drunken rendition of this classic 80’s song on the answering machine of a Boston area plumbing and heating company.
A guy on the T has two stones. He shotguns a beer. In an act of protest, Knight Rider shotguns his beer, but does not quite finish. The guy with the Keystone Lights chastises Knight Rider for not completely finisihing his Bud Light...in an act of unity, a passenger who was inadvertently showered with Keystone Light says "what the hell?" and whips out a 40oz. he had in a paper bag and takes a swig. Dubbschism and Zeitgeist follow suit.
Knight Rider's unsuccessful attempts to sell a birthday Menage a Trois to a couple. Dejected, he is turned down by the large pig tail girl.
Armed with a tennis ball, another highlight of Knight Rider’s day is playing catch on Ipswich street.
Interesting Trivia about Knight Rider: Upon discussion of the classic video game Double Dragon and the hair grab knee move, discussion shifts to Street Fighter. Knight Rider admits that he once wore a green sweatsuit to emulate his idol, Ryu from the video game Street Fighter.

Double Dragon on Parenting

Today was the hottest day of the year thus far with mercury topping out in the low 90’s. Luckily our group was under the shade of the roof overhang. Witnessing a toddler in a stroller with his parents, Double Dragon states, “I don’t know much about parenting, but I know that’s not good. A jacket on a kid in 90 degree heat! That’s child abuse. Look the stroller doubles as a stretcher….” E.F states, “Yeah your kids will melt.”

It is tough to see the game from the Pavilion standing room section today. Fans along the standing room railing are dug in like World War I Germans in trenches. It is tough to get a view of the action on the field. Due to the extreme heat by the mid 7th inning, there is a lot of open seats around us. Fans who could actually see the game are treated to dueling knuckleballers R.U.A. Dickey and Wakefield facing each other.
Todays game seems to fly by. Maybe it is the fact that it was a 3:55 PM start or that we had missed the first couple innings. The length of the game is 2 hours and 45 minutes which seems short for such a high scoring affair. Stay tuned in a couple weeks for next update from E.F at Fenway.

Mariners vs. Red Sox, June 7,2008 LIVE BLOG

2008-06-07T15:46:00.015-04:00

Hey all, SB here to live blog this Sat. afternoon affair on Fox. Hopefully, the Sox will do better this time than they did last time I live blogged one. Wakefield on the hill for this one, as he was the last time I kicked knowledge with you. Here's what we got for lineups:

Red Sox

1. Coco Crisp CF
2. Julio Lugo SS
3. J.D. Drew RF
4. Manny Ramirez DH
5. Sean Casey 1B
6. Kevin Youkilis 3B
7. Brandon Moss LF
8. Kevin Cash C
9. Alex Cora 2B

P Tim Wakefield

Mariners

1. Ichiro Suzuki CF
2. Jose Lopez 2B
3. Raúl Ibáñez LF
4. Adrian Beltre 3B
5. Jose Vidro DH
6. Richie Sexson 1B
7. Wladimir Balentien RF
8. Kenji Johjima C
9. Yuniesky Betancourt SS

P Miguel Batista

A few notes:

Both the ejected fan and dubbschism are at the park this afternoon. I will keep an eye out for them.
Dick Stockton and Mark Grace are your broadcasters this afternoon.
Manny back in the lineup. No Pedroia and no Lowell.

Let's do this.

Top 1

Here's Ichiro leading off. Hot day at the park today. Sox rocking the Red jerseys. I dig 'em. Ichiro hits a soft chopper towards the mound that neither Cash or Wakefield can get to in time, infield hit. That was like a swinging bunt. Money says he steals 2nd here. And he quickly does, his 26th steal of the year. And now Wake walks Lopez on 4 pitches. Great. Here's Ibáñez. And Wake gets him looking, 1 down. Nasty knuckler. Now Beltre with 2 on and 1 out. And Wake gets him swinging! Man, the Mariners are bad. Now Vidro. And he takes a huge cut at the first pitch and misses. What a bunch of hackers. And he grounds to short, Lugo flips to second for the easy out and Wake gets out of the jam.

Bottom 1

Batista on the hill, dealing with Coco first. Apparently he was in some sort of fight this week. And Coco cranks a hard liner but right at Beltre, catches it, one down. And now Lugo hitting second. And he hits an easy roller to short, two gone. God, he blows. Here's Drew, who has been an absolute monster at the plate lately. And he rips one to the gap in left-center! Ichiro gambles and lunges for it, misses and it goes to the wall, and Drew is into 3rd with a triple! Damn he is a good hitter, and fast too. Now Manny with a chance to put the Sox on top early. Mother of God. Manny UNLOADS on one! Over the Monster, OVER EVERYTHING! Mammoth shot, 2-0 Sox. Casey grounds to 2nd to end it, but Sox lead 2-0 after 1.

Top 2

Timmy working with a lead here, let's see how he handles it. Here's big sexy Richie Sexson, in my opinion one of the worst hitters in baseball. And Wake makes quick work of him, getting him swinging. 3rd K for Mr. Wakefield. Now Balentien, and he hits a roller to short, Lugo charges, gloves, and gets him by a step at first. Nice play. And here's Johjima. And he takes a big ugly swing at one and misses. Man, he looked foolish. No chance, 4th K for Wake, and a nice 1-2-3. 2-0 Sox.

Bottom 2

Youkie up first. And he goes down swinging for out #1. I'm sure he'll be swearing up a storm in the dugout. Watch out water coolers and bat racks. Just don't do it in front of Manny. I love Youk, but he can be a real crybaby sometimes. Now ~~Randy~~ Brandon Moss. And he pops one foul to 3rd, Beltre grabs it, 2 down. Now Cash money. And he gets ahead 3-1...and works a walk. Anyone miss Mirabelli? At all? I'm sure he's doing fine at whatever gas station hired him. Cora now with 1 on and 2 out. And he hits a chopper to 3rd, Beltre gloves and gets him and the 2nd is over. 2-0 Sox after 2.

Top 3

Hopefully Wake can continue his nastiness. This is a team he can really rock and roll against - lineup is full with a bunch of swing-and-miss candidates. Betancourt will lead it off. And he singles to left to bring up Ichiro. And he bunts, Wake gets to it but no chance, 2 on, 1 out. How overrated is Ichiro? Seriously. Guy has 2 ABs, has hit the ball a combined total of about 19 feet today and has 2 hits. And of course Stockton and Grace are lauding him. Lopez grounds to 3rd. Youk bobbles but stays with it and his only play is to first. Gets Lopez but runners move up to 2nd and 3rd with one out. Here's Ibáñez. "Anything in play will get the lead in half" says Grace. Really? Even a pop to 2nd? Dumbass. Well Ibáñez does slightly better than that. He rips one down the RF line that jumps into the stands. Two runs score and we're tied at 2. Blah. And Wake quickly responds by walking Beltre on four pitches. Thank God for Jose Vidro. He swings at the first pitch and pops to short. Now a tall man who is not very good at baseball is up. He grounds to Youk and this inning is over. But the Mariners tack on a couple runs and it's 2 all.

Bottom 3

Top of the order here. Just get this inning to Manny and let him do his thing. Coco starts off by slicing one down the RF line. Takes an unlucky kick off the wall and Coco has to hold at first. Here's Lugo now. Coco goes, and he steals 2nd! First pitch running...wow, close play on the replay. And Lugo bunts Coco to 3rd. Bleh, I hate bunts. Oh well, speed at 3rd with one down and here's Drew. Table is set here for him, but he lines out to short on the first pitch, 2 down. Bah. Stupid bunt. Oh well, it's Manny time now. Do they put him on? Nope, they're pitching to him. Let's see if he gets anything to hit. And after 2-0 they stand up and toss the remaining two balls intentionally. 2 down but runners at the corners now for Casey. See if he can make the M's pay for the IBB. He can't, and flies to CF. Stupid bunt killed that inning. Dual small ball, swing the bats. 2-2 after 3.

Top 4

Balentien leading off. I had admittedly never heard of this guy before this series, but he has good numbers. And he smacks one but right at Youk at 3rd, one out. Trivia question time! Who was the last rookie to steal 50 bases in a season? Let me ponder that a bit. Johjima up now. And he flies lazily to right, 2 gone. Now Betancourt, and he hits a soft fly to left, and a 1-2-3 for Wake, still 2-2.

Bottom 4

Time to drop my trivia question guess before they give the answer. Oh wow. Duh, I just realized it. It's gotta be Ichiro. Youk here, and he grounds to short, one gone. Moss draws a one-out walk now, and it's time to Cash in. And he launches one to center and Ichiro grabs it, 2 down now. Here's Cora. And he pops one into the gap in left center! Ibáñez tries to cut it off before it gets to the wall, and he bobbles it! Moss scores, and Sox reclaim the lead 3-2. How will they score that one? Double for Cora, but do they give Ibáñez an error? No, a straight double and an RBI. Now Coco, and he singles to center! Cora scores, and now it's 4-2. Very nice. Lugo now, so assume the scoring is done. And he tries to bunt (????) and he almost gets hit with the pitch. Right at his dome. And now Coco steals 2nd for another steal today. Now a hit for Lugo can get him home. And instead he walks. Very nice, now Drew with 2 on and 2 down. R.A. Dickey (hehehehehehehe) warming for the Ms now. Here's Drew, and he works the count to 2-2, and then scorches a liner, but right to Lopez at 2nd, inning over. A lot of hard-hit balls at infielders today from both teams. Sox tack on two more and we go to the 5th, 4-2 Sox.

Top 5

Ichiro leading off. Stockton and Grace might have consecutive orgasms if he hits the ball 14 feet for a single again. I think I'm going to order some sushi in a few. My decision has nothing to do with Ichiro...I just love it. Ichiro hits a soft bloop to short that Lugo snags, one down. And Lopez grounds to 2nd, two outs. Wake seems to be grooving now, looking for another 1-2-3 with Ibáñez coming up. And he pops to 3rd, Youk snags it and Ms go in order yet again. 4-2 Sox.

Bottom 5

Manny leading off here. And he works a long at bat and works a walk. Casey time, and he slaps a base hit to right and Sox put the first two guys on here. Youk now, and he pops one out to right-center. Ichiro grabs it, one down. Moss up here, still two on, now one out. And he gets ahead 3-0. We may be seeing Dickey very soon. Dickey! And Moss walks. And it's time for Dickey! Bases loaded, one out, Batista done, and here comes R.A. Dickey. dubbschism just reminds me via text that Dickey is a knuckleballer, meaning we've got two knuckleballers here. And Cash swings at Dickey's first pitch and pops to 2nd, two down. Crud, they could break this open, but now two down, and here's Cora. Now a passed ball! Manny scores, and everyone moves up a base. 5-2 Sox. And Cora ends up popping to 2nd. Dickey looks pretty solid, but the Sox tack on another one, 5-2 after five.

Top 6

Beltre leading off, swings at the first pitch and pops foul to Cash, one out. Thanks, Adrian. And Vidro grounds to short, two gone. Man, the Mariners offense is just really bad. Now to watch a tall man try to hit a baseball. He has actually worked a full count! And now strikes out on a fastball. Ugly swing, but not all that surprising. Another 1-2-3! Still 5-2 Sox.

Bottom 6

Top of the order here, and Coco already has 2 hits on the day. And he won't get his third here as Dickey gets him swinging. Lugo grounds to short, two gone. Dickey is taking care of business here. Ehh, not anymore. Drew crushes one to deep center and gone. What a bomb! 6-2 Sox. Jeez that was crushed. Hit just to the right of the yellow line in center. And now Dickey gets Manny swinging, as he was taking cuts that makes me think he was trying to go back-to-back. Inning over, but Mr. Drew has made it 6-2 after 6.

Top 7

Balentien leads it off against Wake, he has grounded to third twice today. He works it to 3-2, but then Wake gets him swinging. UGLY swing. Man, this team is just stacked with bad hitters. Give Wake his credit though; he's getting it done. Johjima now. Wake has thrown 102 pitches here and Hansen is getting loose. Kenji loops one into center, Coco charges but has to play it on a hop for a single. Cokes looked like he was going to make a dive for it, but he had no chance. Betancourt grounds one into the hole between 3rd and short, Lugo snags it on the backhand, throws to 2nd, Cora turns and throws to first, double play! Very nice play all around! And Wake has gone 7 strong, and it's still 6-2 Sox.

Bottom 7

I still have not seen dubbschism and the ejected fan on TV yet. Perhaps the ejected fan has already been ejected from America's Most Beloved Ballpark. Casey to lead off the bottom of the 7th. And Dickey quickly gets ahead 0-2. And he loops one to short, Betancourt plays it on a hop and throws out Casey, one gone. And Fox 25 just went apeshit, but apparently Youk singled. They show the replay, looks like Ibáñez tried to make a sliding catch but he got it on a hop instead. Now Moss, and he hits a slow roller to second, Lopez makes the play to first, two out, Youk moves up to 2nd. Cash fouls one behind the plate, Johjima grabs it right in front of the seats, inning over. Going to the 8th, 6-2 Sox.

Top 8

Wake out, Hansen in. Great job from Wakey today, the knuckler was dancing and he kept the hackers hacking and missing. Hansen has also been solid as of late, so let's see what he can do. Also, Casey out, Lowell in at 3rd and Youk moves over to first. Ichiro finally hits one of the outfield as he singles to right. Let's see if he's running. Hansen dealing with Lopez now, and it's 2-0 and he's having trouble throwing strikes. Great. And Lopez swings at a bad pitch and hits a slow roller to 2nd. Cora's momentum was taking him towards first but he throws to second and gets Ichiro. Risky play up four, but he gets the lead man, one gone. No chance to get Lopez at first. Here's Ibáñez, and here's another 2-0 count. And Hansen throws him some absolute GAS inside and Ibáñez shatters his bat and pops to 2nd, two gone. And then Beltre quickly grounds to short, Lugo to Cora for the force at second, and Hansen gets it done. Almost through this one, 6-2 Sox. Sweet Caroline time.

Bottom 8

New pitcher for the Mariners, ~~Derek~~ Mark Lowe, who is celebrating his 25th birthday today. Cora, Crisp and Lugo look to spoil it. And a BEAT L.A. chant breaks out! Ducking awesome. And Cora hits a grounder by the diving Lopez for a single. What a birthday ruiner. Crisp up now, and he hits a hard sinking liner to right, but Balentien snags it on a dive, one out. Papelbon getting loose even though it's not a save opportunity. He has 0 saves in non-save chances this year. Now Lugo hits another sinking liner to right, but Balentien can't get this one and has to play it on a hop. Single for Lugo, 2 on with one out for Drew. And he cranks a base hit through the right side! Cora scores, Lugo to 3rd, 7-2 Sox. Enjoying your birthday, Mr. Lowe? Runners at the corners with one down, and it's Manny time. He works a full count, and then walks, and now with Casey out, it's Lowell with the sacks drunk and one down. And Ellsbury in to run for Manny at first. That's good to see. And Lowell rips one down the line in left into the corner! Two runs in, Ellsbury stops at 3rd, 9-2 Sox after the Lowell double! Mark Lowe's day is done after that one - what a crappy birthday. The new Seattle pitcher is Ryan Rowland-Smith. The back of his jersey is rather crowded. And the lefty will deal with Youkilis with runners and 2nd and 3rd with one down. And it's quickly 0-2. And Youk hits one to left that will go all the way to the wall! Another double, another pair of runs in, and it's 11-2. Consider this one broken open. Moss swings at the first pitch and pops to short for our number two. Here's Cash with a runner still at 2nd. And he strikes out on a foul-tip into the mitt, inning over. But the Sox tack on five more and it's 11-2 heading to the 9th.

Top 9

We're still going to see Paps here, even with a nine-run lead. I hope he doesn't blow it!! In all seriousness, my biggest hope right now is that my sushi gets here soon. I am starving. Willie Bloomquist will hit for Vidro here and Papelbon gets him to ground to second. Cora flips to Youk...who drops it! The errorless streak is over! 233 consecutive games was the streak, and it's done. Wow. Now Miguel Cairo will hit for big sexy. And Bloomquist takes second on defensive indifference. What a dumb rule. A steal is a steal. And Cairo singles to center, Bloomquist scores and it's 11-3. Balentien will hit for himself here, but Jeremy Reed is already on-deck to hit for Johjima. Balentien first though, runner on first with no outs. And Paps gets him looking with some heat for the first out. The Chevy player of the game is Wakefield. It had to be him or Drew. Wait, did they ever give the answer to the trivia question? I must have missed it! Crap. Well here's Reed with one on and one out. And Paps gets him swinging with some high cheese, two gone. Wow, he just completely blew him away there. And here's Betancourt to hopefully make the final out. Maybe not, as it's 3-0. Strike looking and a foul ball makes it full, and they're on their feet. Fly to right, Drew makes the catch, and this one is over.

Great pitching from Wakefield, great offense all-around from a lineup that didn't look all that intimidating on paper, and the Sox take this one 11-3. WHERE IS MY SUSHI?!?! Have a good night all!

The Red Sox of the Future

2008-06-05T09:25:00.007-04:00

A guest blog from friend Ernie Dolan:

This is a golden age of baseball in Boston. Some may consider it the golden age for all sports here, what with the recent success of the Patriots, Celtics and local college teams, but for eight months a year, it is the Red Sox who dominate local discussion and provide the most excitement night in and night out.

In the past four seasons since winning the World Series, a youthful renaissance has busted onto the scene. First we were introduced to Kevin Youkilis and Jonathan Papelbon, the first basemen/closer combination of the future. Last season, we witnessed the arrival of the gritty Dustin Pedroia and speedy Jacoby Ellsbury, the later an instant heartthrob for women all over Boston, including my girlfriend. Jon Lester, Clay Buchholz, and this season in just a few spot starts, Justin Masterson have made the pitching rotation one of the most promising in the major leagues. And coming soon to the local nine a boat load more of the brightest future prospects in the game.

Through skillful and visionary scouting and drafting, the Red Sox put together a farm system that is setting a new standard on how to go about winning World Series Championships. While the Evil Empire of Baseball went about the early half of the 00’s throwing money around and selling off players like Burritos flying off the counter at Bulocco, the Sox took a different approach. While not every prospect realizes his potential (names like Brian Taylor and Drew Henson come to mind) the Red Sox have largely been able to beat the house more often than not and it is through no string of luck. Boston is a city full of smart people, and the Red Sox are cornering the market on Baseball stat geeks and nerds. Through new ways of valuing talent and teaching different baseball philosophies, the Red Sox produced disciplined players like Youkilis, also known as “The Greek God of Walks”.

While I can’t offer the hilarity found in filling out Mad Libs or making off-the-wall bets, one thing I am betting on and I feel all of Red Sox Nation should be aware of is that the winning ways aren’t going away any time soon. As the Schillings, Timlins, Lowells and Variteks head off to pasture, fear not - for the line of new faces anxious and ready to take over is on the horizon. There are plenty of MLB ready stars in nearby Pawtucket, exciting ball players like Jeff Bailey (.318 16 HR 44 RBI), Jed Lowrie (42 AB, .310 AVG .340 OBP w/Red Sox & 73rd rated prospect by Baseball America), and Chris Carter (.320 8 HR 31 RBI) and hurlers like Buchholz (4th rated prospect by baseball America) and Masterson (2 GS, 12.1 IP 1.46 ERA w/Red Sox & 64th rated prospect by Baseball America), both not on the current big league roster. In Portland, get excited about Michael Bowden (94th rated prospect by Baseball America) and Daniel Bard (grooming to be a closer), both of whom may be getting their first look at Fenway during September call-ups. And in the lower Single A ball, are future power hitters Ryan Kalish (96th rated prospect by Baseball America), Jason Place and Lars Anderson (40th rated prospect by Baseball America), names to make up for the unthinkable loss of Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz in the far off future. The future is also bright for last year’s #1 draft pick Nick Hagadone, even though his development is slowed by a season ending injury this year.

In 2010, the Boston Red Sox could have a starting infield of Jeff Bailey, Chris Carter or Lars Anderson at first base, Pedoria at second, Youklis at third and Jed Lowrie at shortstop. In the outfield, we could see Ellsbury, Ryan Kalish and Jason Place. And a wealth of arms with a mix of Beckett, Matsuzaka, Buchholz, Masterson, Lester, and Bowden and possibly Nick Hagadone all fighting for five rotation spots. Daniel Bard may be setting up Papelbon. This would be a formidable team indeed with the biggest future question mark being finding a starting catcher. The 2008 MLB draft happens soon and one can only imagine what new potential prospects will be added to the wealth we already possess in our farm system. Perhaps a catcher or a five tool all around athlete (we miss you, Hanley Ramirez) is on the horizon. As the rest of baseball shudders and tries to keep pace, the new motto of Red Sox nation rings true, “In Theo We Trust”.

By Ernest Grover Dolan II

Hazel Mae's Takeoff Strip

2008-06-03T11:19:00.004-04:00

you will be greatly missed. perhaps not so much by me, because i always felt you were greatly overrated in the looks department. and let's be honest, your position at NESN is and was always about looks. (upon further reflection, 2% of the position is about attitude. 98% looks, 2% attitude. which is why Jayme Parker just never cut it. she was just way too much attitude for SportsDesk.) although, i never saw the hair of your nether regions, so perhaps i am grossly mistaken in this evaluation. but i feel there must be more attractive alternatives.

like maybe this chick.

2008-06-01T00:02:00.002-04:00

The ejected fan states there is a sperm ghost inside the stall.

Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.

2008-05-30T21:24:00.017-04:00

A Smarty Barrett and dubbschism collaboration:

DS: first off, let it be known that i could care less about the NBA. actually, i could care less about basketball in general. when i was a young’un, i was way into NCAA basketball but by the time i graduated high school and matriculated at Awesome University to major in Coolness, the crappy basketball team (the Awesome University Shitbirds) sucked to the tune of an 0-152 record my freshman year, so i kind of lost interest. buuuuuuuuuut in a tip of the cap to the gents at Fire Joe Morgan, the egregiousness of the following jumble of caca-ness from Jason Whitlock is just too much for us not to rip apart FJM-style.

SB: I have always been a huge basketball fan, and while not exactly a die-hard NBA nut, I do watch it closely enough to boast at least some moderate knowledge about the league. But one thing I am not a fan of is Jason Whitlock. Mainly because I seem to dislike everyone that likes him, for one reason or another. But his most recent column is just...well...wow.

In NBA playoffs, less ink means more viewers

DS: when i first read this title, i was thinking “less coverage in newspapers and other traditional print media.” boy, was i wrong. go on, read!

Over the next couple of weeks you'll hear lots of theories about why TV ratings are surging for the NBA playoffs.

SB: Theories? Aren't most of the reasons pretty obvious? And also, factual?

DS: ostensibly, Mr. Whitlock is going to explain these “conventional wisdom” type theories, then blow them out of the water with his own hair-brained theories which have no basis in reality. that’s always the kind of freakishness this type of topic sentence begets.

Of course it helps that large TV markets with storied franchises (Boston and Los Angeles) are still alive and favorites to make the NBA Finals. And, yes, it helps that the league's two most successful franchises over the last five years (San Antonio and Detroit) are competing against the Lakers and the Celtics.

SB: Yes. Yes these are all reasons. And I hate to be nit-picky, but these are facts. Boston is a very big sports market. When a team is competing from this city, the ratings are always very high.

The conference finals are littered with big stars, too. Kobe, Kevin Garnett, Tim Duncan, Paul Pierce, Tony Parker, Ray Allen, Manu Ginobili, Rasheed Wallace and all the rest could make up an all-star team that the rest of the league couldn't beat.

SB: Really? Ginobili? Big star? Other than that, I agree.

DS: those sound like good theories to me. also, the weather in the Boston market has been rather blah lately, not to mention gas prices are forcing everyone everywhere to stay at home and watch whatever is on television. but those theories are not hair-brained enough.

SB: Wait for it...wait for it...

Obviously, there are a lot of factors contributing to the ratings numbers that TNT, ESPN and ABC keep bragging about in nearly daily press releases.

SB: Yes, we get it. Lots of factors.

DS: uh-huh. he just listed a lot of them.

SB: Stars, big markets, historic teams...not really anything revealing here.

DS: i even helped him out with some other novel ideas that maybe he didn’t think of. what is he getting at?

The NBA has been experiencing a resurgence ever since the Suns traded for Shaquille O'Neal, the Lakers acquired Pau Gasol, the Mavericks got hoodwinked into snagging Jason Kidd and the Cavaliers picked up new spare parts for LeBron.

SB: Agree. This is as exciting as the NBA has been in a while. Also, some things he left out: The Celtics acquired KG and Ray Allen (arguably the biggest move of the last year, and maybe one of the biggest in recent NBA history...why no mention?). Kobe demanded a trade from the Lakers, and then led the aforementioned Lakers to the NBA Finals months later. The Western Conference was just absolutely ridiculously competitive this year. etc. etc. etc...

DS: when i read the last part of that sentence, i thought “the Cavs did NOT trade LeBron James for spare parts,” which is exactly what it sounds like in this context. did anyone else think that’s what he was trying to say? no? okay. guess i’m just a dummy.

SB: Can he just get to the point already? Cuz I get the feeling it's going to be a crazy one!

But there's one issue driving improved ratings that likely won't be touched by all the NBA talking heads on TNT and ESPN.

DS: what about ABC? he mentioned them before. why not mention them here? i mean, if he's going for some sort of parallel device to the paragraph above (and i’m pretty sure that’s what he's doing), wouldn’t he at least re-cite the same three television networks?

SB: Here it comes...

Tattoos. Or rather the lack of tattoos in the conference finals.

SB: Bam. Boom. Whap. Shlorp. Bomb dropped.

DS: tattoos. tattoos? tattoos. really? i mean, lack of tatoos. lack of tattoos? lack of tattoos. really? you might have a valid point, Mr. Whitlock, because one of the reasons that i forgot to mention above why i don’t really enjoy basketball is how much i hate tattoos. which makes me wonder why i ever got one myself.

also, i just want to mention that if you CTRL+C’d and CTRL+V’d those two “sentences” into Microsoft Word, they would have green squiggly lines under them, because they are fragments.

SB: Tattoos, folks. TATTOOS!!! Let's read on.

Part of the reason more people are watching these playoffs is because the average fan isn't constantly repulsed by the appearance of most of the players on the court. Most of the key players left in the playoffs don't look like recent prison parolees.

SB: Sweet Jebus, I can't even begin to break down all of the things wrong with this statement. He's implying that the average NBA viewer is so repulsed by tattoos on players that he/she recoils in horror and changes the channel? Do you, Mr. Whitlock, think that people - actual everyday NBA watching people - take tattoos into consideration before decided whether or not to tune in? How ridiculous does that sound?

DS: also i’m not really sure what the function of the word “recent” is here, since tattoos are kind of, ya know, permanent. also, it’s estimated that 16% of all Americans have at least one tattoo. 36% of those 25-29 years old have at least one, and 28% of those 30-39 years old have at least one. and since the average NBA fan is between 18 and 34 years of age, i’m gonna go out on a limb and say it: nobody fucking cares.

SB: Also, let's count the stereotypes while we're at it. So far 1. All tattoos are repulsive. 2. People with tattoos look like/are recent prison parolees. That last one makes him sounds 80 years old. This man has many tattoos. Does he look like a "recent prison parolee" to you?

The only accurate way to describe Garnett, Pierce, Duncan, Allen, Manu, Parker and even Kobe is "clean cut."

DS: your clean cut manu ginobili:

Yeah, there are a couple of tattoos in that group — Duncan has something on his back, Kobe still has his post-rape-allegation tat — but the Lakers, Spurs and Celtics have far less ink on average than your typical NBA franchise.

DS: 1. he is contradicting himself,

2. is Kobe’s tattoo real or metaphorical? even so, wouldn’t a rape allegation make one less likely to watch an athlete perform than his personal body artwork?

SB: Let's face it. Using amount of tattoos to judge a person is incredibly shortsighted, stereotypical, and moronic.

Allen Iverson and Carmelo Anthony have more tats on their hands than the entire Spurs roster.

DS: um, the Denver Nuggets were in the playoffs this year, so that sort of blows up this dingbat's whole argument.

SB: I think he's only talking about the teams still left. Although on that note it makes me wonder...what would this article look like if Denver was still in it? Would there be no article at all? Or would it be a "there are three great teams and one team of murderous thug jerks!" kind of deal?

DS: ok, even if he's only talking about teams left, there's still this:

average TV market ranking of last year’s Conference Final teams: 20.75.
average TV market ranking of this year’s Conference Final teams: 14.25.

face it Whitlock, you're wrong.

I know many of you probably think the number of tattoos doesn't influence viewing habits.

SB: *raises hand*

You're wrong.

DS: hey Whitlock, i just said that you were wrong! you can’t just say it back to me.

Like everything else televised, appearances matter. There's a reason you don't see nude scenes in movies with fat people. Trust me, fat people have sex. It's just no one wants to see it. Not even fat people.

SB: Um, OK. Wow. Is this really all the proof he has? Fat people? This has ZERO correlation to his original point! Also, gross.

DS: this is the slim and slender Jason Whitlock, not picturing himself having sex with anyone.

No one wants to watch Delonte West or Larry Hughes play basketball.

SB: I do. I like to watch basketball, and these guys are pretty good at it.

It's uncomfortable and disconcerting. You don't want your kids to see it. You don't want your kids to think they should decorate their neck, arms, hands, chest and legs in paint.

SB: Still counting those stereotypes? 3. People with tattoos are uncomfortable to look at. Hell, you don't even want your kids to see them! Do you have kids, Mr. Whitlock? Because I just now thought of a fat person (you) having sex. And it was worse than seeing someone with a Chinese symbol on their ankle. Trust me.

You don't want to waste time explaining to your kids that some millionaire athletes have so little genuine self-confidence that they find it necessary to cover themselves in tattoos as a way to mask their insecurities.

SB: 4. Everyone with a tattoo is insecure. I mean seriously, what is wrong with this man?

You just want to watch basketball and feel like you're watching people you can relate to a little bit, people you somewhat respect.

SB: 5. One cannot relate to or respect anyone with a tattoo. Yikes, I'm no psychiatrist but this man has some crazy-ass phobias.

We finally have that again on the NBA's biggest stage, and everyone can see it because the league's substance isn't covered in a barrel of tattoo ink.

SB: This is one of the worst metaphors I have ever read.

David Stern has been arguing that the NBA is the best book. Ever since Ron Artest went into the stands, Stern has been slowly changing the cover of his book. The dress code and the age limit have helped. The midseason trades helped. Garnett's donning of a Celtics jersey really helped.

DS: i’m not sure what this whole “book” thing is that Whitlock is talking about, because per my disclaimer at the get-go, i don’t pay a lot of attention to the NBA. is it actually something Stern talked about? or is it just another very bad metaphor? can someone enlighten me? this search illuminated nothing. but i wonder if the book has "ink" on it's cover?

also, what do the midseason trades have to do with improving the image of the NBA? seriously, Whitlock is so off his rocker at this point that i don’t even feel like this piecemeal refutation of his lunacy is even necessary. it really just speaks for itself.

SB: Do I need to mention that as commissioner David Stern has little or nothing to do with the quality or quantity of trades in the league? No? OK, good.

Kobe's maturity and ascension to Jordan's throne has probably been the most important development. Kobe is everything the league wants LeBron James to be.

SB: An alleged rapist?

Sorry, had to.

But don't underestimate how much having a visually pleasing product to look at has benefitted [sic] the league at conference finals time.

DS: i won’t underestimate it, as long as he doesn't underestimate the powerful therapeutic effects that the new “atypical” neuroleptic drugs can have for people suffering from episodes of psychosis. (caution: side effects may include dysphoria, increased risk of stroke, and irreversible tardive dyskinesia.)

It's a television show. Pleasant smiles, non-threatening people sell products better than menacing, tattooed brutes.

DS: agreed. fair enough. because we are talking about a sales team here, and not world-class athletes whose goal is to win as many games for their team as possible, a goal which of course is predicated entirely on how much subcutaneous ink they don’t have.

SB: (whispered) No we're not.

DS: WE'RE NOT?!?!

If I was [sic] David Stern, I'd commission Nike and/or Under Armor [sic] to create a basketball jersey with long sleeves, all the way down to the wrists.

SB: Hmm...I like it. Except, umm...he kind of has ALREADY BANNED ALMOST THE SAME THING! I forget what page of "the book" this is on.

DS: hey, don't forget, if this did go down Iverson and Anthony would also have to wear gloves.

I'd make Iverson wear a turtleneck jersey with sleeves. I'd cover the tats.

SB: Once again, he kind of already wears the same thing! On one arm, at least...

Do you think Sports Illustrated would let its swimsuit models cover themselves in tattoos? Models are paid to look good. Athletes are no different from models. Everyone accepts that female basketball players — when possible — are pushed to showcase their feminine beauty.

SB: Wow. Not the same thing. Not even close to the same thing. Models are paid based on their appearance. Basketball players are paid to play basketball. What doesn't he get about this??

DS: this paragraph itself needs to start taking antipsychotic drugs. fo realz. first of all, Sports Illustrated DID let its models cover themselves in tattoos. sorta kinda, anyway.

second of all, tell me the correct answer to this analogy:

athletes: models:: Jason Whitlocks:

A. Anti-religious rabble rousers

B. Apocalyptic zebras

C. Bakers who use splenda instead of sugar

D. Sportswriters who need to be committed to a mental institution

if you chose D (which is wrong), then you also believe that athletes are no different than models. which means you probably don’t have Randy Johnson on your fantasy team. (the correct answer is C, by the way.)

finally, what the dual is the deal with that last sentence? let me repeat it, in case your brain short-circuited the first time you read it.

Everyone accepts that female basketball players — when possible — are pushed to showcase their feminine beauty.

SB: "When possible"? Is this an attempt at a joke? That's kind of mean.

DS: "when possible" as in only when the female basketball player involved isn’t a 6’5” Amazon completely devoid of feminine beauty? or as in when they’re off the court and all dolled up with makeup and a miniskirt? whatever Whitlock is trying to say here, i think his arrow missed the mark and instead he’s hit the bull’s-eye of "over the line chauvinism."

It's unfortunate that too many young athletes are too unenlightened to approach the game like a business. They resist almost all ideas that would put more money in their pockets. They have to be forced to do the little things that would help them make more money.

DS: next article Jason Whitlock is going to write: Why Nobody Will Talk About Why College Athletes Should All Major in Marketing and Should Convert to Jehova’s Witnesses and Not Get Tattoos. also, i like to picture Carmelo Anthony and Allen Iverson sitting together at the tattoo studio, and Carmelo turns to Iverson and says “Man, if we could only make more money. Then we’d be set.”

Growing NBA ratings is what's best for the players in the long term. Adopting a non-prison-ready appearance would help everyone in the league earn more money.

SB: As opposed to the prison-ready appearance of a player with a tattoo.

But no one will talk about it.

DS: except for you, Jason Whitlock, with your “edgy and thought-provoking style.” an edge as sharp as a tattoo needle, and a style as fad-erific as tramp stamps.

Rasheed Wallace: Abominable Snow Monster?

2008-05-29T19:35:00.025-04:00

During last night's Celtics playoff game the Ejected fan had a bit of a revelation. Detroit Piston, Rasheed Wallace resembles the Abominable Snow Monster from the claymation version of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. Wallace is an overacting ass. Maybe after the playoffs are over, Santa Claus can employ this bumble to put the star on top of the gigantic Christmas tree. GO CELTICS!!

Ozzie Guillen: Faithful Countryman, Unscrupulous Comedian

2008-05-27T08:02:00.006-04:00

as you may or may not know, former Sox spot starter Geremi Gonzalez was struck and killed by lightning while in his home country of Venezuela. he was only 33. not to be insensitive or anything, but i didn't know the guy and he never really did anything to endear himself to Red Sox fans in his short tenure in Boston, so the sadness of the situation is sort of overshadowed by the freakishness of the situation. i mean, if causes of death in Venezuela were like events in a baseball game, getting struck by lightning would be like catcher's interference. (a botched carjacking would be like a groundout to SS, and getting whacked in a State-sponsored American sympathizer eradication would be like a backwards K. choking on a pecan shell would be like a 3-6-2 double play.) it's just not how you'd expect someone in Venezuela to die.

now, for some reason (part of a Venezuelan baseball theme? i really have no idea.) foxsports.com asked uber-crank Ozzie Guillen to weigh in on the tragedy. and Ozzie, never missing an opportunity to be as uncouth as a drunk fat chick who insists on being in a wet t-shirt contest, has this to say: "A lot of people are going to be shocked."

what. a. dick.

one thing a lot of people won't be shocked about is when the White Sox finish in fourth place in the AL Central with a team OBP of .211.

Who Is Heidi Watney?

2008-05-21T16:05:00.005-04:00

Well, since you asked...

Heidi Watney is the wicked hot new Sox reporter replacement for Tina Cervasio.

Here is what we know about Heidi so far:

According to our friends at Red Sox Monster, she was let go from a FOX affiliate station in California for undisclosed reasons. I will not go into any rumors here. She was a sports reporter with Fox in San Fran. who followed last years Barry Bonds home run chase. Apparently, her agent came across the NESN spot and let her know about the opportunity here in Boston. She has been in the position for a few weeks and has done a pretty decent job. I am not sure exactly how much she knows about sports, but she is certainly more than mid-inning eye candy.
Yesterday I had the opportunity to chat live with Heidi Watney with about 40 other Sox fans over the interweb.

Here are the questions I asked:

ejectedfan (12:20): What would you define as the greatest sports moment of all time?
Heidi Watney (12:21): Right now, I'm still thinking about the Jon Lester no-hitter. There are so many great moments in sports it's really hard to pick one, but I really got caught up in the Red Sox run to the 2004 World Series, because of everything the franchise has been through. It was really special to witness history.

ejectedfan (12:25): Who is your favorite baseball player of all time?
Heidi Watney (12:26): Trevor Hoffman. He is a very nice, philanthropic man. And one of the greatest closers of all time. His class on the field and in the community is something everyone can admire.

ejectedfan (12:49): What band would you like to see play Fenway Park?
Heidi Watney (12:50): I like all kinds of music, but I really like Daughtry right now -- really I'd go see just about anyone!

This should give you a little bit of insight into Heidi. I am not really sure about her taste in music. Daughtry? Please. You can't lump American Idol into music you like, but it seems like the PC answer. Here is what else we know about Heidi: She was Miss San Diego. She graduated from university of San Diego in 2003. She is single, but claims to be "married to her job". Her cousin is professional golfer Nick Watney. Her father Mike coaches golf for Fresno State. She grew up rooting for the San Francisco Giants and is frustrated with the perfomance of Barry Zito as of late. Heidi participated in gymnastics, diving and cheer squad growing up, but claims to be uncoordinated. She enjoys being active and walking her dog, which she had to leave behind in California.

I think Watney is a great addtion to the NESN team and I look forward to seeing Heidi in Sox games for years to come. I think she has a stellar career ahead of her.

You can read the entire transcript from the chat on NESN.com.

All the girls standing in the line for the bathroom!

2008-05-20T21:01:00.013-04:00

The show started at 6:30. HzMLS and I arrived around 6:45 and moved towards the gates. We quickly took notice of the demographic of the crowd: all high school kids. At best, several of them had just graduated, fresh off the broken condom incidents of prom night and ready to enjoy the 3 or so Kanye songs they've heard on Mix 98.5. Now HzMLS and I are 26 and 25 respectively, so it was pretty easy for us to stand out. It became even easier when HzMLS purchased two beers upon us entering the venue. As we made our way onto the lawn to enjoy Lupe Fiasco, a theme for the night began to develop: kids were going to ask us to buy them beer. We were taken off-guard by the requests at first, and started off by just politely declining. But the requests kept coming. Which got the wheels in our heads turning: how can we turn these kids down? It started innocently. Denying that we were 21, telling them I was HzMLS's dad and I had procured the alcohol, pretending to not speak English, etc. Approximately 90% of the people who asked us for beers were female, a fact not lost on a single man such as myself. We began to start entertaining some offers more seriously, depending on the attractiveness of the female. We were offered $20 to purchase just one beer (beers were $8) and we still said no, although I had to think about it a lot. After HzMLS moved on to beers three and four, he started to get more creative. His first method was to tell a prospective buyer that he is a police officer and he would pretend like he didn't hear her request if she disappeared from his sight. Needless to say, we seriously freaked out a 16-year old girl. At the point, N*E*R*D was on stage and they were rocking. HzMLS began to display his beers prominently to attract prospective customers. His next move would go down in history. Five females approached us. Two were attractive (one very much so) and the other three...not so much. Anyway, my brain starts working as to how to arrange a "make-out-with-me-and-I'll-buy-you-beer" proposition. Even if these girls were 16, it would not be uncharted territory. And because of the existence of Ms.HzMLS (not to be confused with futuremrsrickankiel), I could work my game freely without the threat of competition. As my conscience began to dig at me, HzMLS dropped this gem:

Girl: Will you buy us beer?

HzMLS: How much will you pay us?

Girl: I don't know, like 10 bucks?

HzMLS: Forget it. We've been offered 20 tonight.

Girl: Fine. (Starts to walk away)

HzMLS: Hey!

Girl: (turns back)

HzMLS: Do you know who Al Capone is?

Girl: (quietly) Yes...

HzMLS: Do you know how much he charged for beer?

At this point I was almost in tears from laughing so hard. The girl screamed something about prohibition and stormed off. Toying with these kids was superseding the excitement of the concert itself. Rhianna was on at this point, and after realizing she was wearing more clothing than we would have hoped, HzMLS and I returned to our side-project of the evening. With HzMLS having beers five and six in his clutches, we are re-approached by a few females who were bugging us earlier in the night. By the looks of it, they seem to have acquired a few beverages elsewhere and have become much more persistent. They begin flashing their IDs maintaining that they are 20 years old and will be 21 very soon, so it's not so bad to buy them beer. I start to become persuaded until one of them lets it slip that junior prom was super-rad a few weeks back. Frustrated, one of the girls begins to grab at HzMLS's beers. As he tries to squirm away, I make a desperation move to save him. I inform the girls that if they correctly guess both of our ages, I will procure beers for them. She points to me and guesses 21 and the wager is over (She guessed 22 for HzMLS for those wondering). After the girls depart, I walk with HzMLS to the concourse. I plan to purchase a shirt, and HzMLS grabs beers seven and eight. On the way there, I find a stray ID of a 20-year old girl on the ground and pocket it. Once we return to our spots, Rhianna is almost done and I realize I should probably take what I can get (this is how I often end nights of drinking...but I digress). Two females approach and offer $20 for two beers. I accept and purchase them, pocketing $4, a modest fee in the process. As soon as they grab the beers from me, they disappear in a cloud of dust. Soon after, Kayne comes out, and just rocks his set. The beer stands are closed, so HzMLS and I soak in the awesomeness of a true hip-hop icon. As he is wrapping up, HzMLS notices a throwback Brewers fitted on a blanket, with a crew of four or so people standing in front of it. He snatches up the hat and tucks it under his shirt. Because of his intoxication, he is not very discreet at all, and I have to coach him into pulling off this theft properly. We duck out as Kanye is finishing his set and rush to my car, Brewers hat in tow. At the exit, a woman is handing out promotional stickers of some kind. HzMLS grabs a stack from her, and we proceed to slap them on cars in the parking lot on our way to our vehicle. As the beats pumped from my speakers on our way out of the crowded parking lot, two words resonated in my head about the night we had just experienced....:

Blog It.

Ryan Braun, this Bud’s for you! Sox Sweep Brewers: Game 1 of Doubleheader Game Report, 5/17/08 vs. Milwaukee Brewers

2008-05-20T20:59:00.012-04:00

I want to start off by saying thank you to Ryan Braun for an awesome weekend against the Sox and incredible week overall for that matter. Braun helped propel one of my fantasy baseball teams into first place. Last week Braun hit .345 with 6 home runs and 10 RBI. Braun deserves every cent of his newly signed $45 million dollar contract. He was the NL Rookie of the Year last year and recently became the youngest player to reach 40 home runs. Last year he hit 35 homers in just 112 games. Thanks to interleague play, Sox fans got the opportunity to see this phenom perform early in his career. Braun is capable of doing some great things in his career. After the series against the Sox, Braun was quoted as saying that the Brewers did not expect to win in Boston. He also stated that their mental approach to the game needed to improve. An interesting fact that I came across about Braun is that this Brewers' mother is an actual brewer for Budweiser. It’s not Miller but still interesting tidbit.

I have always liked the Brewers. They had some hard nosed teams in the 80’s with the likes of All Stars: Rollie Fingers, Robin Yount, Paul Molitor and Cecil Cooper. They had some cool uniforms in the 80’s and they played in the AL East against the Sox on a regular basis. They have never won a World Series. I am drawn to teams like the Brewers, Nationals (Expos) and Mariners who have yet to win a championship. I was looking forward to this series against the Brew Crew.

Last night got rained out forcing the doubleheader today. It was a beautiful afternoon at America’s most beloved ballpark. dubbschism and Mudville were extremely late to today’s ball game. After Ortiz’s 3 run homer in the second inning, I descended from my standing room spot on top of the Pavilion down 10 ramp levels to Yawkey Way to deliver their tickets. This epic journey to deliver tardy fans their tickets was not a fun experience.

Debbie Downer
The last time I had Pavilion standing room, I was ejected from the ballpark. I am not sure if it is the atmosphere in the section or what, but the fans up here seem to have some serious emotional issues. During the fifth inning, I busted out my handy copy
of Mad Libs. In my search for applicable words, I came across a fan I have named Debbie Downer who was clearly bothered by Mad Libs. She states that she finds Mad Libs annoying. Debate ensues. I ask her “Is it the nouns, verbs, adverbs or adjectives?” She retorts, “Don’t get me started!” I have heard a lot of reactions to Mad Libs, but this was the first person that I discovered who was clearly annoyed. Debbie Downer would later participate in a 40+ year old bizzare circle dance. I found these strange dances and this fan’s attitude annoying.

Pink Shirt Fan
There is a guy who was part of a bachelor party who decided to wear a pink David Ortiz shirt that he is encouraging other fans to scribble on. I overhear him in the beer line that he is not actual the bachelor, but a friend of the bachelor. Basically he is overshadowing the guy who’s bachelor party it is. He makes his introduction to Mudville by kicking a beer cup in her general direction. Mudvilles retorts, "Jesus Fucking Christ." Apparently, he did not expect to elicit this response. Later in the evening I am dared to write I HATE FAGS! on Pink Shirt Fan’s shirt. dubbschism 1-ups me by writing “Felatio is for Virgins” on the guys shirt. Prior to us inscribing upon P.S.F’s shirt, he says "Please, no profanities."

A Foul Ball
About halfway through the game a foul is struck behind home plate in the hotel parking lot behind Van Ness Street under an ancient Chevy Lumina. dubbschism and I decide that after the game we will try to locate this baseball. After the game we locate the Chevy Lumina and there is no baseball to be found. Apparently someone was able to scoop the ball up before we got there. We were under the impression that it would be a difficult find unless you were on the street or in our location looking down on the steet, but that was not the case. I took notes as to the location of the baseball. Looking back my writing appears to be slurred.

Random Observations and Happenings

If you buy a program for today’s game, you receive a “Gagne is a Yankee Spy” sticker. Gagne did not play during the entire Red Sox series. This guy should go back on HGH. It doesn’t just make you ugly.

In a reference to Brewers ~~pitcher~~ outfielder Corey Hart, dubbschism states, “Ejected Fan wears his sunglasses at night.”

There is a dimpled chad on EGD2’s All Star ballot. We are not sure if the 3rd NL Outfielder is Brian Giles or Kosuke Fukudome.

Off-Track Betting: We have a bet on who will get the first put out of the inning. I pick Youkilis, dubb picks Jacoby Ellsbury and EGD2 picks Papelbon who is not even in the game. The ball is popped up to Ellsbury. Mudville follows a bird in flight, not the baseball.

Rescue 911 at Little Steve’s Pizza: Hungry after the game, we head into Little Steve’s Pizza on Boylston Street. There is a Rescue 911 pinball machine based on the hit show from the 80’s. It includes real sound effects from William Shatner. Eerily, Shatner’s voice bellows “AIDS is Real”. This pinball machine got the most action since 1989.

I apologize for the brevity. There was a scarcity of real blogworthy material. Stay tuned for EjF’s expose on new Sox reporter Heidi Watney. Also stay tuned in late June for our concert series blog on the great American band Pearl Jam.

The No-No Song

2008-05-20T20:06:00.007-04:00

So I have another bigger post coming, but first I feel like I have to address a certain local baseball event that occurred last night. Seems as if almost as soon as I said Lester should spend some time in the minors to work on his control, he has been just absolutely dominating, culminating in last night's no-hitter. I'm certainly fully prepared to admit I was wrong, and while we all are aware of the dangers of a small sample size, there were many things I saw last night that were very encouraging.

The first and biggest one being that, as far as I could tell, wherever Tek put the glove, Lester hit it. He wanted the cutter inside, it was inside. Curves in the dirt, fastballs away, Les was hitting every spot. Period. It's that kind of control that I wish we saw more of, and we saw it top to bottom, pitch after pitch last night. Truly masterful.

The second was that Lester was getting swings and misses, which is huge. Eight strikeouts on the night and all the while maintaining his velocity all the way through was a huge key. He's not exactly a power pitcher, but he was able to keep the hitters off-balance just enough last night by mixing up his stuff.

The final encouraging factor is that maybe all of us Sox fans have underestimated how much of a toll Lester's cancer took on him. I know I was quick to assume that if he's back in a uniform, he must be 100%. Maybe he's still working his way back. Maybe he hasn't reached his peak yet. If that's the case, I may be expecting some crotch-shots from the ejected fan.

Also, as a side note, can Yankee fans please finally give up the

HUGHES + KENNEDY >>>> LESTER + BUCHHOLZ!!!!!11111!!!oneoneone

Anyone who still thinks that is going to get laughed at by even the most common of baseball fans.

And side note #2: Your editors here at the EjF are now the proud sponsors of Bartolo Colon's Baseball Reference page.

Semi-Irregular Jon Lester First Ballot HOF Update: Jon Lester NO HITTER!

2008-05-19T21:33:00.003-04:00

Lester threw a no hitter!

Enough said.

This is number one of many.

Smarty Barrett will be kicked in the nuts in 20 years...

Semi-Irregular Miguel Tejada Home Run Update

2008-05-15T10:05:00.003-04:00

today's date: the Ides of May
Miggy's current HR total: 5
Miggy's projected HR total, should he keep up this pace: 20 (!!!!!)
probability that the ejected fan wins my $20 and spends it on overpriced Sambvca nips from the Regal Beagle so he can get plastered on the T before he even gets to Fenway: 12%

Fun with T9

2008-05-13T20:39:00.005-04:00

1. Take out your cell phone.

2. Make sure the text message settings are on T9.

3. Create new text.

4. Type the word "Roids."

5. Enjoy the coincidence.

Red Sox vs. Twins, May 11, 2008 LIVE BLOG

2008-05-11T20:08:00.065-04:00

Hey all, SB here fresh from a Mothers Day dinner bringing you a live blog of tonight's game. No Manny in the lineup according to Jon Miller. Here's the rest of the lineups:

Red Sox

1. Jacoby Ellsbury LF

2. Dustin Pedroia 2B

3. David Ortiz DH

4. Kevin Youkilis 1B

5. Mike Lowell 3B

6. J.D. Drew RF

7. Coco Crisp CF

8. Kevin Cash C

9. Alex Cora SS

P Tim Wakefield

Twins

1. Carlos Gomez CF

2. Matt Tolbert 2B

3. Joe Mauer C

4. Justin Morneau 1B

5. Michael Cuddyer RF

6. Craig Monroe DH

7. Delmon Young LF

8. Mike Lamb 3B

9. Adam Everett SS

P Nick Blackburn

Let's do this....

Top 1

Players are rockin' the pink sweat bands for Mother's Day. Jacoby's got the pink bat as well. Ellsbury swings at the first pitch of the game and grounds to second. Let's see what Pedroia can do with his regular black bat. He can single to center after an 8-pitch at bat. 1 on for Ortiz. And he follows it up with a single of his own, right through the shift! Big Papi cares not for your shift. He says fuck shifts. Now the red-hot Yooooouuuuuuuk is up. And he whiffs on a heater. Fuck. 2 down for Lowell. And another audible screaming of "FUCK!" from Youk captured on live TV. A few weeks ago it was on NESN, now ESPN. Awesome. And Lowell K's as well. FUCK!

Bottom 1

I am dying to hear Joe Morgan comment on the knuckleball. Gomez grounds to Cora for out number one. Back to Morgan...I fully expect him to label a pitch a "knuckle-cutter" or say "what was that pitch??" Matt Tolbert up. Also, who is Matt Tolbert? He's a switch-hitter, apparently. Miller and Morgan won't comment on this, but most switch hitters bat righty against Wakey. Not Tolbert. And he flies to center. Here's Mauer. Much more pink bats this year I'm noticing. Mauer cranks one to center, but Coco tracks it down. Showcase game! 1-2-3 inning for Timm-ayyy.

Top 2

Joe Morgan hasn't really said anything stupid yet. You're letting me down, Joe! Drew swings at the first pitch too, jeez. Grounds to 2nd, 1 down. And Coco flies to center for out #2. Morgan is waxing poetic about Tito. And now they show Jacoby applying some eyedrops for some reason. Cash singles to right. Almost bounces over Cuddyer's head too. Gotta love artificial surface. And by love, I mean it's fucking awful. Cora with his first AB since coming off the DL. And he grounds to the mound. Hey, maybe I won't be tired for work tomorrow after all...this game is flying.

Bottom 2

Morneau singles. I wish I had seen it, but ESPN came back from the break late. That is a super pet peeve of mine. Also, Miller pronounces Morneau's name weird! Isn't it More-NO, not MOR-no? Weird. Cuddyer cranks one down the LF line for a double. 2nd and 3rd no one out. Joe Morgan is saying something stupid. I wish I could explain it, but I have no idea what he's talking about. Rest assured, it was stupid. Joe Morgan is now explaining how infielders align based on if there is a right-handed batter versus a left-handed batter. Wow. Aaaand double wow. Monroe cranks a 3-run bomb to deep left. 3-0 Twinkies. To quote Kevin Youkilis...FUCK! Delmon grounds to 3rd. A lot a lot a lot of these pitches from Wakey are up in the zone. Not a good sign. And he walks Lamb with a high pitch. And Adam Everett blisters one to left. Ellsbury leaps and can't snag it. 2-run bomb, 5-0 Twins. Fuckin' hell Wakefield. This game is over before it started practically. "Ellsworth gave that a good try," according to Joe Morgan. Nice work, jackass. And now Gomez singles as the bullpen gets busy. Bat Shit getting loose. And Gomez steals second. This game is pretty much highlighting EVERYTHING that drives me nuts about Tim Wakefield. I love the guy, but games like this are just painful. And you can expect about 5 or so of them a year. Tools Tolbert for the K on a sick (and rare) curveball. 2 gone. Joe Morgan is talking about a knuckleball versus a curveball. What. the. fuck. is he talking about. Some babble about Joe Neikro, I have no idea. They should just put a dude with senility in the booth, it would be almost the same. He keeps commenting that baseball is unpredictable. Like over and over and over. It's the second inning, and you know you're gonna hear it like 10 more times. Mauer flies to center to end the horror show that was the bottom of the 2nd. 5-0 Twins after 2.

Top 3

Still plenty of time here, fellas. I'd really like to see the Sox start taking a few more pitches though. Ellsbury squares to bunt and gets drilled on the..foot? No, the left knee. And he's down on the ground, hopefully not hurt. And after a bit he says he's OK and goes down to first. Weird play. He kind of came out of the box, he also may have offered at the pitch. Oh well, runner on first. And now Pedroia gets drilled right in the back! Craziness. Right between the 1 and the 5. As long as no one is getting hurt, we'll take it. Also, Morgan was just talking about the greatest bunter of his day, and maybe the greatest bunter ever! Surprisingly it was not Dave Concepcion (It was Rod Carew for inquiring minds). Both home runs were hit with pink bats, Jon Miller says. And now Ortiz hits a sinking liner to right that Cuddyer catches, then drops! Right against the ground, kind of went in and out of his glove, hard hit ball, and now the sacks are drunk with no outs. Very very very weird inning thus far. Now Youkie up. Let's make this a game again! And Youk lines out to 3rd, Lamb makes a great diving catch. Thankfully no one was doubled off. That was a rocket too. Damn. Lowell up, and by the time I typed it, it's already 0-2. They cannot blow this opportunity and come out of this with no runs. Lowell works it to 3-2, and then hits a soft line-out to right, and Ellsbury scores to make it 5-1 Twins. Great throw from Cuddyer, not many dudes would have scored on that, but Ellsbury has some wheels. Also, I love Jon Miller's "safe" call. If I were to write it out phonetically, it would be something like this: "SWWWHUUEEEEUUEAAAAAA!" Basically imagine the sound a 90-year old man with emphysema would make if you jumped on his chest. And Drew lines out softly to short. Fuck. Only 1 run after loading em up with no outs. 5-1 Twins.

Bottom 3

MOR-no singles to center, and we miss it again. Fuck you, ESPN. Hoo-le-ON Tavarez warming, according to Miller. How about JOO-lee-in? No? Whatever you want, Jon Miller. And Wakey tools Cuddyer with a knuckler for the K, one down. And now a passed ball gets MOR-no to second. And Miller is lobbying for an exception on passed balls for knuckleball pitchers. A knuckle passed ball? Is he really suggesting a rule change? Man, how is Miller pissing me off more than Morgan tonight? Monroe ground to 3rd, no advance for MOR-no, 2 gone. Here's Delmon. And now a wild pitch on ball four gets MOR-no to 3rd, and of course Young down to first. Corners, 2 down for Lamb. And now a passed ball gets Young to second, but MOR-no stays at 3rd. Morgan claims Francona stood up as if he was going to pull Cash from the game. What? And then he says a pitch can't be a wild pitch if it doesn't bounce. Wow. Just....Wow. And now a nice stop by Cash on a knuckler. Oh my fucking god this wild pitch/passed ball/knuckleball discussion is going to drive me to eat gluten. And a single from Lamb gets 2 more runs in...7-1 Twins. And that's it for Wakefield. Also, I guess Morgan was saying that Tito was going to go out and get Wakefield, not Cash. In the middle of an AB? Really? Oh well, this game is fucked. Here comes Hoo-lee-ON. Read a media guide Miller, you fuck. The swears and frustration are going to start flying now, it's 7-1 and I'm pissed. My first live blog already going to shit. It's JOO-lee-an you miserable old fuck! And Everett flies out deep to left to end this painful inning. 7-1 Twins after 3.

Top 4

99% of America and 95% of Red Sox Nation has changed the channel by now! Awesome. I may suspend this early, depending on how out of hand it gets. I don't want to be labeled the "bad-luck live-blogger of The Ejected Fan." Plus, I don't like that many hyphenated terms. Coco leading off here. And he starts it with a triple, very nice. A liner to left that takes a big turf hop over Delmon's head. Damn he is fast. And now Cash singles him home and it's 7-2 Twins. Well they get one run back rather quickly, eh? Also, Cash >>> Mirabelli. And now Cora singles to center! OK, let's keep this going. Jack-a-bee time. No, Miller didn't say that. But I think it sounds cool. And Ellsbury lines out to Delmon for out #1. Here comes Dusty. And he hits a grounder to short. To second for one, but the throw to first is wild and Cash scores making it 7-3! Pedroia to second. Miller just called Pedroia "fleet of foot." Um, no. Runner on 2nd two down for Papi. And he walks for Youk. He could make this a game again rrrreeeallly quickly. And he rips one to 3rd that eats up Lamb! Pedroia scores from second on a nice slide, and it's 7-4. And first and second again for Lowell. Lowell is working a nice AB here...but then whiffs. Sox get 3 back though, and this is a game again. 7-4 Twins.

Bottom 4

This is not how this game started at all. Was shaping up to be a pitcher's ~~fuck~~ duel, at least through the first inning and a half, but now it looks like this is gonna come down to the bullpens. Sox are already into theirs, and the Twins are gonna be in theirs rather soon I think. Hilarious moment during the Francona interview...Ortiz is posing behind him, and Tito catches him and says he'll kick his ass. I love this team. Tavarez dealing with the top here and Gomez. And Joolz catches him looking. Nice pitch, one down. Tolbert with a soft tapper to the mound. Tavarez doesn't roll it to first, but looks like he thought about it. 2 outs. Tavarez's stuff looks good in the early going. A lot of movement and sink on his pitches. I was just about to comment on how he's throwing strikes as well, but he quickly walks Mauer to shut me up. And now Morneau singles to center and Mauer goes to 3rd. Shit, this inning was looking easy. Now Aardsma is getting loose. 3-0 on Cuddyer. Fuck shit piss. Walks him. Shit fuck piss cunt shit poop. Bases loaded, 2 down for Monroe. And on 3-1 he hits a grounder to Lowell, who boots it and it's 8-4 Twins. Weird hop. Did I mention how much I love artificial surface? And Delmon grounds to Youk, nice play. He flips to Tavarez and the 4th is over. Twins grab another one, 8-4.

Top 5

Drew grounds out to MOR-no unassisted, 1 down. Coco hits a soft looper to center but Gomez tracks it down, two away. Ugh. And Cash whiffs and it's a 1-2-3 inning for Blackburn. Double ugh.

Bottom 5

Gratuitous Urban Dictionary link courtesy of HzMLS: superman. Superman that hooooo! Speaking of hos, the ejected fan also requests that I link this: clown car. Gross. Aardsma in. Lamb flies to left for the first out. Everett pops to second. Joe Morgan is now talking about how quickly a hitter has to make a decision to swing. They're showing graphics with a clock showing how many fractions of a second it takes for the ball to reach the plate. Morgan is trying to describe the time differences and it is embarrassing. Listening to him talk about numbers is like listening to a 5-year old talk about astrophysics. Gomez strikes out, and hey! A 1-2-3 inning! Blog it!

Top 6

Cora leads off and cranks one off the baggie for a leadoff double. The Twins have a wall made of a baggie. I'll let that sink in as Ellsbury grounds to 2nd, Cora to 3rd. The Twins pen is busy again. I can't believe Blackburn has made it this far, frankly. Pedroia pulls a double-whammy, as he grounds to 3rd and doesn't get the run home. Boo. Here's Ortiz. And he strikes out looking. Ortiz doesn't like the call, but it looked pretty good from here. Leadoff double and no runs, this just isn't the night for the Sox. But...The Twins have a wall made of a baggie!!!

Bottom 6

Tolbert grounds to Pedroia to lead off the inning. Joe Morgan stumbles through Mothers Day wishes. Can the man say anything clearly? Mauer lines one to left...Ellsbury dives but can't get it and Mauer has a single. Now Morneau. Timlin getting loose. That is pretty much the equivalent of waving the white flag. Nothing I'd like more than to blog Timlin giving up seven or so runs. Morneau walks, and two on with one out. I'm sleepy. And now Morgan is saying MOR-no and HOO-lee-in!!! I'm just dying for Miller to refer to the D-Backs veteran pitcher as Randy Huan-SOWN (rhymes with Ponson). And Cuddyer grounds into a double-play, Cora unassisted to Youk. Another scoreless inning!

Top 7

Blackburn out, Matt Guerrier in. Youk hits a grounder up the middle, diving stop by Everett who throws him out. Very nice play. Lowell fouls to first. Ass-ugly night for him so far. J.D. Drew changes his equally ugly night by singling to right. Coco now. And he cranks one deep and gone! Over the baggie! And it's now 8-6! The Twins have a wall made of a baggie! Cash money now, ya dig? And he grounds to 3rd, but this game just got slightly more interesting! 8-6 Twins.

Bottom 7

Aardsma out, Timlin in. Well it's about to get less interesting again as a new chapter of The Adventures of Mike Timlin is written. Here's Monroe. And he promptly homers, 9-6 Twins. Mike Timlin is an absolute disgrace, the Sox really need to show him the door. He is a complete shell of what he once was. Young grounds to short. 1 out. Lamb pops to right for the 2nd out. And Everett grounds to short, and wow, Timlin only gives up one! You're 42, retire!

Top 8

Guerrier out, Reyes in. Cora up, he has a single and a double tonight. Between him and Coco, I noticed they have combined for the cycle. And Cora with another single! And good god Reyes is fat. Get that man a salad. Jacoby now. And he flies to left, and his night of suck continues. Not many Sox having a good night here. Nathan getting loose, but probably won't be in until the 9th. And Pedroia grounds into a 6-4-3 DP and I sigh and look at my watch.

Bottom 8

I will stick this one out, loyal readers! This is the first live blog here at The Ejected Fan, but it will not be the last. And the great thing about live blogs is you can't get kicked out. Gomez leads off and lines to right. Timlin still in, so...hey! An out! Tolbert hits a little bloop that Cora makes a nice running catch on, running to left with his back to the plate. Very nice.

OK. The following exchange just took place:

Miller: That was Vizquel-like.

Morgan: Speaking of that, when is Vizquel coming back?

Miller: He came back yesterday.

Morgan: Oh, he did?

Awkward moment, but not surprising in the least. Miller also mentioned that Vizquel had a 3-hit game in his first game back. As in, hey Joe, you probably should have known that. Like, it's your fucking job. Francona realizes it's a rare occasion when Timlin retires 5 straight so he quickly pulls him and we go to the lefty Lopez to face Mauer. And he cranks one to left slicing towards the line, and Jacoby makes a sick sliding catch! Wow, a great play. Full speed, lays out on a ball that was ripped and moving away from him. Inning over. Miller: Somebody call a cop! Mauer got robbed!

Top 9

Well this should be it. Nathan in, Ortiz up. And he grounds to first. Nathan covers, one down. Youk rips one, Everett makes a sick diving stop, but no change to get Youkie, infield hit. Some solid D tonight though. Great effort from Everett. Here's Lowell, whose night hasn't been entirely sucktastic; he does have a sac fly. They show Manny in the dugout and he has a bat. Interesting. Lowell working a nice AB here, fouling off pitch after pitch after pitch. And he wins the battle and singles! Youk to 3rd, Drew up, and Manny has a helmet! Will he hit for Crisp? Morgan thinks no, Morgan thinks he'll hit for Cash. And as usual, Morgan is wrong. Manny on deck to hit for Coco, who had a damn good night by the way. But Drew first, and he is the tying run. Drew rips one to center, and it's over Gomez's head! It's a double, and Youkilis scores, making it 9-7! Runners on 2nd and 3rd for Manny! That was smoked, and I'm now on the edge of my seat. And there's a change. Coco up now, Manny on deck for Cash. Morgan was right for once. Coco hits one to the mound, off Nathan, and he sticks with it and throws Drew out at 3rd! Ouch. Lowell scores making it a one-run game, 9-8. Coco reaches at first, but that out at 3rd was big. Tying run now at first, but it's Coco who has some wheels. And Manny at the plate. Fasten your seatbelts. Coco goes....and he steals second! OK, it was strike one, but he's in scoring position for Manny now. Sick speed. Do they put Manny on now? They will not. Cora on deck, are you on drugs, Gardenhire? And Manny grounds to short, Everett makes the play, game over.

Well, that was more exciting at the end than I expected, so I guess that was cool. It was fun, fans. Final score, 9-8 Twins.

Goodnight all.

Edited: Craziness

2008-05-09T10:19:00.005-04:00

i just want to say: if Jon Lester is a first ballot HOFer, i will give you back the $20 i'm going to win when Miggy Tejada finishes the season on the DL with a pituitary tumor and 13 home runs.

also, Smarty Barrett will let you punch him in the crotch.

Is Lester More?

2008-05-08T13:16:00.004-04:00

The 2008 Sox pitching staff may be looked upon 10 years from now as one of the best pitching staffs ever. Sure, it might not seem that way right now, but give it some time. Buchholz and Lester are both gaining experience on the major league stage. They could both easily blossom into 1st ballot Hall of Fame pitchers. Neither pitcher has had the debilitating outing that Yankee rookie pitcher Chase Wright had when he gave up four home runs in a row last year to the Sox. That sort of thing can really effect a young hurler's confidence.

Lester’s last two perfomances have been close to stellar: a near complete game against Halladay and 1 run performance against the Rays. Given these last 2 outings, I find it extremely difficult to recommend Lester be designated to AAA. In fact based on major league experience alone, I would rather see Lester remain a starter and Buchholz be sent to the bullpen to aid Bat Shit as a long reliever/spot starter. Lester can be a big game pitcher. Look at his performance against Halladay last week and also in game 4 of the 2007 World Series. He comes up big when it is on the line. I do feel however that his growth was stunted a bit in 2006 after Varitek went on the DL followed shortly thereafter by Lester’s diagnosis with cancer. I think Varitek catching these young pitchers can make all the difference in the world in their confidence levels to throw certain pitches to a good hitter. For these youngsters, pitching in the major leagues is about confidence in their abilities. I think Lester has this already.

Who knows what will happen if and when they bring up Fat Boy Colon. Let’s see how he does in his first start. If he sucks, drop his ass like a fantasy dud . I can’t see Colon going to the bullpen. Basically, the Sox are going to have to make a move with either Buchholz or Lester if they plan on bringing Colon up. What would be the big deal if you moved Buchholz to the bullpen? Yeah, they talk about pitcher’s rhythm and routine every 5th day, but come on already. Last year Brett Myers of the Phillies moved to the closer role midway through the season and then moved back to being a starter. It’s no big deal. Teams have to stop babying these pitchers, but at the same time the pitchers themselves have to know what their limits are. Is the net effect of adding Colon to the rotation going to benefit the Sox? Will it fuck up the rhythm these young pitchers have established? I don’t know. However, I feel that if they send Colon to the bullpen he will become the 2008 version of Eric Gagne.

ESPN shocked to learn that LeBron James is not infallible

2008-05-07T20:17:00.010-04:00

Smarty Barrett will occasionally blog outside of the common theme of baseball here at The Ejected Fan. Some of his off-topic discussions may include the NBA, the NFL, college basketball, reviews of the latest gangsta rap albums, and recaps from last night's episode of "America's Next Top Model." This is one of those times.

My alarm goes off at 6:15 AM Monday through Friday. I wake up, mosey on downstairs, throw on ESPN, and get ready. But today was not like any other Wednesday. I was excited. I didn't even listen to Dennis and Callahan on my clock radio long enough for them to use a racially insensitive term. I flew out of bed and ran downstairs like it was Christmas morning. I needed to see SportsCenter. Namely, I needed to see how they were going to spin the terrible performance of one LeBron James.

For those unaware, the Celtics played Game 1 of the Eastern Conference semifinals last night against the ~~LeBron James~~ Cleveland Cavaliers. If you happened to miss LeBron's scoring line last night, here it is: 2-18 shooting, 0-6 from 3 pt. range, 12 pts, 9 reb, 9 asst, and 10 turnovers. For those of you further unfamiliar with SportsCenter, I can't even begin to describe how much they sweat LBJ. It is seriously insane. Sometimes they don't even mention the Cavs - just LeBron. Looking to see what Ben Wallace or Boobie (hehehehehehe....boobie) Gibson did in the game? Fat chance. I'd say a good 90% of Cavs highlights I saw this year showed LeBron exclusively. Meanwhile, the two anchors would wax on and on about how he is the greatest thing they have ever seen. Now don't get me wrong. LBJ is great. Amazing. Spectacular. One of the 3 best players in the league, if not the best. Love watching him play. I don't even mind when people compare him to Jordan. He's that good. HOWEVA, when the media elevates a guy so much and pumps you with so much hype that you can't even breathe, you start to wonder when he will fail. And what they will say when he does. Because the things they say on ESPN when talking about James are starting to get over-the-top. I mean, here's what I've heard this season:

LeBron James once had 11 assists in a 1-on-1 game.
One of LeBron James' dunks once gave a woman 16 consecutive orgasms.
The working title to Jeremy by Pearl Jam was "LeBron James."
LeBron James wrote and directed the series finale of M*A*S*H.
LeBron once spotted an opponent 8 points and beat him 21-6.
A behind-the-back pass from James immediately withdrew 2,000 troops from Iraq.

In all seriousness, it has gotten to the point where they have showered the guy with so much praise that it literally makes me sick to my stomach to hear anymore.

So that is why this morning was great. What would they say? Well, of course, when you endorse something that much, the only real thing you can do is make excuses. And it was great, let me tell you. You could almost hear them going through the 5 stages of grief. First they told viewers how there's no way LeBron is that bad. He will do better in Game 2, he has to. Then they talked about how he got hit hard every time he took it to the hole and he didn't get any calls! Those jerk officials! Then they promised never to mention his Game 1 performance again if he just comes up big in Game 2. That's when the second highlight film kicked in. The missed lay-up anchored this, whereupon they went back to the somber anchors in the studio. They recapped the night by re-reading LeBron's scoring line, and announcing the final score. Acceptance.

And I loved every minute of it.

Tres de Mayo: Sox exact revenge on a 'Team Formerly Known as the Devil Rays' at Fenway!Game Report, 5/3/08 vs. Tampa Bay Rays

2008-05-05T21:34:00.026-04:00

The ejected fan starts the evening off solo at Who’s on First waiting for dubbschism and HzMLS. Who’s on First is a Yawkey Way bar that non-ticketed fans can enter through the alleyway on Brookline Ave. This is important because the ejected fan does not enjoy waiting in lines for bars; plus there is easy access to Fenway Park with no line from this bar.
Tonight is May 3rd - two days before Cinco De Mayo. In honor of Cinco de Mayo, Corona is giving out koozies that look like ponchos from Clint Eastwood’s The Good, the Bad and the Ugly . A Mariachi Band enters Who’s on First through the alleyway entrance and plays such hits as La Cucaracha and Tequila. Ejected fan has exclusive video footage.

In addition to being the third of May, it was a guy named Mook's 50th birthday party in the back of Who’s on First. Apparently he sucks, because a bunch of his friends go about getting autographs from pseudo-celebrities saying that Mook sucks. They even spent a great deal of time creating a flier with these “Mook Sucks” autographs.

By the time they get into the park and get to their seats, the Red Sox have scored 3 runs off James Shields. dubb buys corn on the cob and is eating at his seat. He bites into the cob and the juice from the kernels shoot five rows in front of us. The ejected fan hope no one in front of him has any food allergies. Luckily tonight Smarty Barrett sits in the gluten -free section of Fenway, otherwise known as the Alcohol-free left field grandstands. Smarty Barrett coins this part of the park “The Free Alcohol Zone” due to the smuggling of alcohol into this area.

Wagering at Fenway
A group of four bleacher creatures is running a (possibly illegal) gambling racket, taking bets on whether or not the baseball ends up on the dirt of the mound at the end of each inning. A chubby girl with curly hair seems to be the head bookie. The ejected fan inquires about getting in on this action, but is denied on the pretext that his group is not in their row. dubbschism, HzMLS, and ejf start their own wager on which player will return to the dugout first upon completion of the inning: Lowell, Manny or Jacoby. Manny would have been first but he stopped to light up a joint on his way back to the dugout.

Towards the end of the evening the betting degrades to determining the age of a random Cougar in a white Patriots jacket, about 15 rows in front of us. The ejected fan is encouraged by the bettors to ask her what her age is. (Please note this is not something that ejf would typically ask a woman; however, in the interests of this blog it had to be done.) As it turns out the Cougar was 54 years of age. Upon hearing this, one of the bettors in his mid-twenties shouts “I would take her home with me!”

Pete Rose would be proud of such speculation.

The Mad Clown
During the second inning of the ballgame, we encounter a fan who is blocking our view of the field. He would later be dubbed the Mad Clown due to his obnoxious joker-like laugh. After 2 minutes of viewing the mad clown's back, dubbschism shouts MOVE! Apparently this did not gain favor in this mad jester’s court.

Later in the game, the Mad Clown would get all hot and bothered by the talk of betting. He relays a story of his own about his own enjoyment of a good wager:

Mad Clown: HA HA HA HA HA! (Regarding HzMLS, ejf and dubb's bet)
HA HA HA HA HA!
HzMLS: HA HA HA HA HA!
Mad Clown: I went to the ultrasound of my 3rd child. HA HA HA HA HA!
And I tried to bet my father in law on whether he would be a boy or a girl. Cuz I’m a bettin' man….. HA HA HA HA HA!
He could’ve bet that he was a boy and won $500, but he is not a bettin’ man! HA HA HA HA HA!

<----MAD CLOWN

Notable Ejections:

During the 3rd inning a blow-up doll lands in the ejected fan's lap. In a shameless attempt at Guerrilla marketing, the ejected fan takes his pen and writes the blog address for The Ejected Fan on this poor girl and bounces her down to next row. Later, security wraps a towel around her and escorts her off the premises. According to Sports Illustrated, Fenway Park ranks poorly with regards to promotions. Giving out free blow-up dolls clad only in red socks to the first 1000 fans would be a hit and could change SI’s perceptions. Fans would have a blast bouncing them around the bleachers. Girls Gone Wild could sponsor this. Larry Lucchino, if you a reading this, please take this under advisement.

A guy runs on the field during Sweet Caroline. Security tackles the fan HARD. Fans in the bleachers look on in amazement. Chris Tucker yells, “You got knocked the fuck out!”

Who is Debbie Marsh?

After the game, we meet up with our old friend Jumpstreet at the Baseball Tavern. Jumpstreet and the ejected fan use our copy of Mad Libs as an ice breaker to start conversations with members of the opposite sex. One contestant on Mad Libs was turned on from her erotic verbalization of such words as pulsating and nipple clamps. During our Mad Libs tour, we are in dire need of a plural noun. We stop an older, heavyset, ostensibly intoxicated woman as she is meandering through the tavern and ask her for one. She stares blankly into the distance for a moment, then exclaims "Red Sox!!" dubbschism notes her Colorado Rockies earrings and asks, "why not the Rockies?" Amazed by his seemingly psychic ways, the woman turns to dubb with wide eyes and says, "That's my other team!" Jumpstreet asks the woman why she's in the baseball tavern.

Rockies Earing Lady: Oh this is a Northeastern graduation party. I'm Debbie Marsh's mom.
Jumpstreet: (seemingly understanding) Oh.
REL: Yeah that's why there are so many sorority girls here.
dubbschism: (clearly NOT understanding) who is Debbie Marsh?!?
REL: (points to drunk girl in corner) That's her in the corner!

So Debbie Marsh is a Northeastern graduate. This is just not as important to the writers of this blog as it is to Debbie Marsh's mom. However, what IS important to the writers of this blog is that about 45 minutes after our first encounter with Debbie Marsh's mom, Debbie Marsh's mom takes a drunken tumble and lands on dubbschism. I will leave it to dubb and Jumpstreet to facebook Debbie Marsh and regal her with embarrassing tales of her inebriated mother.

Notable Observations:

James Shields is a Fantasy Stud. Does that sound gay?

Jacoby Ellsbury has a new signature song as he comes to bat -“Cherub Rock” by Smashing Pumpkins. This choice by Jacoby could be due to the recent fame this song has received from Guitar Hero 3.

There is a guy with an Intel backpack on. I ask HzMLS “Do you think he has Intel inside?” HzMLS responds, “No, just weed.”

Regarding Rays Player Dioner Navarro, a fan asks “Is he related to Dave Navarro?”

These Sox fans with turbans crafted from Red Sox promotional giveaway Sox blankets...

There is a girl with an Insoxicated Shirt on. On this shirt one of symptoms is that you have the urge to eat sushi every fifth day. Our very own dubbschism is experiencing this same symptom almost daily. ejf has decided that he will need to have dubbschism’s mercury levels in his blood tested prior to being permitted to blog again.
Stay Tuned May 17th for the Sox game against the Brew Crew… Also there may be an update on ejf’s position on Jon Lester.... Tina Cervasio's blonde replacement will also be the subject of a future post.

And what's this? He's pointing to the right-field bleachers, probably at a dying little boy.

2008-05-05T19:31:00.017-04:00

It's time for your mandatory Miguel Tejada weekly update, folks! Much to dubb's displeasure, Tejada launched his 5th homer of the season on Friday night, and it turns out that he promised a young boy with muscular dystrophy that he would go deep. I've always been a semi-sucker for stories like this, but I'm sure the ejected fan is going to start crafting phony letters from fictional kids with serious illnesses and mail them to Tejada in hopes of winning his $20 bet. I say here's to you Miggy!

So I guess the ejected fan would be upset if I didn't recap the rest of my weekend, being that I went to all 3 Sox games vs. the ~~Devil~~ Rays, and although I probably won't be able to weave a tale as eloquent as HzMLS did, here goes:

Friday Night:

Saturday Night:
Our evening began with HzMLS and I stopping off at a watering hole near Fenway, where I promptly inhaled 2 rather strong (and rather expensive) adult beverages. They would prove to be helpful, as fellow fan EGD2 and myself were sitting in the CVS Family Section, aka the alcohol-free zone. Our particular section was patrolled by none other than Mr. Miyagi, who confiscated beers and roughed up hooligans. Needless to say, we saw many ejected fans. The ejf himself would have been jealous.

After the game, HzMLS and I went to a local karaoke bar that we often frequent to get absolutely top-tier sidewalk-puking obliterated. After a few more beverages, we begin to jot our blog addresses on a karaoke slip or 30, and leave them scattered around the bar. Then, after a riveting performance of a popular rap tune, HzMLS began shouting out "EJECTEDFAN.BLOGSPOT.COM" until the DJ's cut his mic and made us promise to not drive home. Big beats hit streets, see bloggers roamin'...

Sunday Afternoon:
After waking up with a trash can next to my bed and bits of Cracker Jacks stuck to my pants, I prepared for my final trek to America's Most Beloved Ballpark. I put on my alcohol-and-food-stained Red Sox sweatshirt that I had worn to the previous two games and got ready to go. The Sox hoodie was absolutely necessary no matter how dirty it was, because they had won the previous two games when I wore it, and yes, I am that superstitious. I didn't care that I looked incredibly ~~homeless~~ hungover.
The highlight of this game was the ever stereotypical Sox fan about 10 rows in front of us who frequently stood and screamed Let's Go SAWX! amongst other re-taahhhded things. We called him Sully from Quincy, although it could have easily been Smitty from Dorchester or Mikey from Southie.

All-in-all, the Sox are now 5-0 in games I attend, including 3-0 in games all 4 members of the EjF attend. So I assume all you loyal readers will want to take us to a game to ensure a Sox win, so hit us up!!

Collaboration! Co-Lesteration! Reverse Colónostomy?

2008-05-02T09:12:00.018-04:00

Sporadically, the nerds over at the Ejected fan will argue over the Red Sox. Usually these conversations happen over a beer or twelve, but when they are done sober the editors of the Ejected Fan will bring you into the discussion. Today's topic: What should be done with Jon Lester? (Please note, this discussion was started before his last start, when he was absolutely brilliant.)

dubbschism:
i will start this discussion with a quick chart, to show the world i have a pirated copy of microsoft excel and i know how to use it.

Majors -
Year	IP	BB/IP	H/IP	WHIP
2006	81.1	0.53	1.12	1.65
2007	63	0.49	0.97	1.46
2008	31.2	0.6	0.85	1.45
Minors -
2003	106	0.42	0.96	1.38
2004	91	0.43	0.9	1.33
2005	148.1	0.38	0.77	1.15
2006	47	0.53	0.91	1.45

as you can see, Lester's problem is his control. his .85 H/IP thus far this year is better than any mark he's ever put up, not counting 2005 in Portland. now i'm not exactly sure of what the hitting environment is like in the International League, but he did have a huge jump in BB/IP from 05 (AA) to 06 (AAA) [sidenote: i left out his AAA stats from '07 as it was a rehab assignment and therefore possibly not indicative of his true capabilities. caveat for 2007 in the bigs too, although he did post a decent .49 BB/IP level in limited time there.]

my point here is that his stuff is nasty, he just needs to throw strikes more often. i'm guessing that the hitters in the international league aren't going to be nearly as patient as what he's going to face up in boston, especially with so many starts against the yankees and other patient teams. i say the Sox sort of have the luxury of letting him develop his control at the big league level - his pitch count will go up and he generally wont make it past the 6th, but we have a capable bullpen and a potent enough offense to make up for the runs he may give up. pitching to aggressive minor league hackers isn't going to force him to establish the command that will turn him into an elite starter. he has the stuff. does this make sense?

The Ejected Fan: abstained

Hazel Mae’s Landing Strip: I would like to use stats like dubb, but I am far too lazy to look them up. I guess I will have to use the Dusty Baker method and talk about what I see. What I see is a guy with good stuff that isn't attacking the strike zone. Last year he showed what he was capable of, especially in Game 4 against the Rockies, where he shut them down for 6+ innings. But this year he has to be the most frustrating pitcher on the staff to watch, because he has the stuff but he doesn’t attack the hitters! I don't know if Lester is trying to nibble too much (a la Dice-K) or just has poor control of his pitches. When he first came up as a rookie in '06 I thought the wildness and getting out of jams would be something he would grow out of. Guess I was wrong. Should we drop him back to the minors to work on mechanics? I am going to say no - he needs a full season under his belt, which for a variety of reasons he hasn't been able to do. He is pitching in front of a prolific offense that should be able to bail him out of some his bad starts, and we always have Bat Shit (Tavarez - hat tip: Surviving Grady) in the pen if it gets out of control. With a full season working John Farrell and getting advice from Beckett, he might be able to work the kinks out of his game and really become the pitcher Boston fans have been hoping for. Patience my friends, patience.

The Ejected fan : pass

Smarty Barrett- Don't get me wrong - Jon Lester is a great story. The cancer thing, the clinching of the World Series, all that. Not only that, I love Jon Lester. [dubbschism says: love like the way i love sushi, or love like the way i love Didi Malloy on The Riches?] I think he has great stuff, he's confident, and he has great composure both on and off the field. As a Red Sox fan, nothing would make me happier than seeing him do well. That said, I really think he could benefit from some time in the minors once Colón is ready to join the big club. Stats as well as the untrained eye will tell you that Lester's biggest problem is throwing strikes.

Take note of the following:

In his career, Lester's first pitch to any given batter is ball one 53% of the time.
Nearly 2/3 of his base on balls are on either 4 pitches or 5 pitches, which indicates that he has trouble recovering when throwing ball one.
In his career, he is walking one batter per 7.6 plate appearances.

And with this control trouble comes, of course, more pitches. Entering his last start, Lester was averaging 18 pitches per inning. His average outing was 5 and 1/3 innings, but his average pitch count per outing was 93 pitches.

Based on this data, you can say that Lester clearly needs to work on his command. If the Red Sox were the Pirates or the Reds or the Royals, I would be perfectly content seeing him work out these kinks in the majors against big-league hitting and working through the growing pains. However, the Red Sox are a team that can contend for another World Series title and they cannot afford his failures up here every 5th day. Control mainly has to do with mechanical issues and repetition of delivery. These can ALL be worked on about an hour down 95 in Pawtucket. There are some things that I can tolerate guys working on up here at the big-league level. Throwing strikes is not one of them.

The Ejected fan : silence

Mitchell Report Appendix A on P.E.U.K.P.T.C.M.S.

2008-05-01T12:54:00.011-04:00

that stands for Performance Enhancing Underage Karaoke Performers Turned Country Music Singers. as everyone knows by now, family man roger clemens is into 15-year old girls. not that i blame him, because as a famous man once said, "Fifteen is a fun age." but sometimes it's just better to leave the shards of Mike Piazza's broken bat barrel on the ground. ya know, don't act on your impulses. keep it in your woolen baseball trousers, if you will.

there have been varying reports about the nature of clemens' and McCready's relationship. clemens, true to form, denies that it was ever "inappropriate." [sidenote: what's appropriate to clemens probably isn't appropriate to the rest of us. just a guess.] he said in a statement that McCready was a "close family friend." i called Debbie on my Verizon wireless phone to ask her about this, but the call was dropped before she could verify. i should have gone with ~~Cingular~~ AT&T!

so let's break it down. they met when she was 15 and he was 28. lacking further detail, this was either during his 1990 or 1991 season, both historically good years for him. [sidenote: unfairly in 1990, clemens lost the Cy Young to Bob Welch, who had a very good year, to be sure, but was bolstered by his 27 freaking wins. his ERA+ that season was 126. clemens', on the other hand, was 213, good for 25th best all-time for a single season. pretty awesome.] i wish wish wish i knew exactly when they met, because i could make a really good argument here. from August (the month he turned 28) to the end of the season, his ERA was 1.11. let's give McCready the benefit of the doubt here and pretend that they met on his 28th birthday, because that's sort of what this post is about.

the next season, clemens won his third Cy Young award. is McCready to blame? we can't know for certain (perhaps John Daly's ex-wife had something to do with it), but all signs point to "yes."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" you're probably saying. "According to McCready's father, the relationship between roger and Mindy didn't become physical until 1998, after she broke up with superman Dean Cain (who is probably really, really happy right now)." if that is what you're saying, then i'm saying "nice use of a spoken parenthetical," and also, "ah-ha! clemens won his fifth Cy Young award in 1998! which bolsters my argument even more!" detracting from my argument, however, is the fact that he also won the Cy Young in 1997, a year before things got hot and heavy between the two sparkling paradigms of American star power. but i ask you this: what if her father is misremembering?

let's do a thought experiment: close your eyes. summon your innermost powers of nostalgia and whisk yourself back twelve years to the golden age of 1996. you're in the backyard, perhaps lying in a hammock in the shade, sipping on a glass of fresh-squeezed lemonade. you don't give a damn about the internet because really the only thing you use it for is to go on AOL and go into chat rooms and talk to strangers from Wisconsin or Malaysia and you don't even know what paypal or myspace or "2 girls 1 cup" is, not yet anyway. the radio is tuned to your favorite country radio station and the number one hit in the nation is playing: "Guys Do It All the Time," by Mindy McCready. for some reason, a dose of futuristic consciousness pervades your mind as you listen to the second verse:

I know I left my clothes all over the place
And I took your twenty bucks
No I didn't get the front yard cut
Cause I had to wash my truck
Will you bring me a cold one baby
Turn on the TV
We'll talk about this later
There's a ballgame I wanna see...

this is absolutely ducking uncanny. the song reached #1 on the charts on September 14th. in clemens' very next start, he threw a complete game shutout. this is no coincidence, my friends. what this is is irrefutable evidence that roger clemens was shlepping (sp?) Mindy McCready at least two years before her dad was even aware.

there is nothing this man is incapable of. except for batting against the Mets.

The Ejected Fan

meanwhile, in white america....

Sox reacquire most virgin ass in MLB, money, hoes

Professional router installation at Fenway.

Dice-K! That's a double entendre!

there are people knitting in the seats at Fenway Park.

Youk gets drilled in noggin.

derek jeter, king of high comedy.

Lester in the 2nd...

Chan Ho Park's ERA: 54.00

I hope for their sake

Breaking News: the critically acclaimed

Overheard at Fenway: there's a

Give me a reason as to why I should buy red sox tickets tomorrow. Just one reason.

Fire Joe Morgan. Fire him now. Seriously.

Ryan (Vermont)

Joe Morgan (11:18 AM)

I just got someone kicked

Red Sox to Win Wild Card in 2009

Mars Blackmon Dead

a. A lumberjack b. A

Ejected Fan Poll: If Russel

Sign of the Times

88 mph, suckas.

Performance Enhancing Drugs.

why kill yourself over Roger Clemens? really.

Life is Good?

MVPedroier

Stay Classy, Maryland

Varitek and watney were just

Matt Garza, Mr. Mucus

Return of Scooter

Overuse to the max.

The Life of an NFL Holder

National Grammar Rodeo? I wish I were going! Oh wait, wait...I wish I was going...is that right?

NEWS FLASH: Devern Hansack is ALIVE!!!!

Because Mike Lupica is my favorite sports writer.

Ichiro Fucking

Alex Rodriguez Suicide Watch

Who Will Hit MLB's 250,000th Home Run?

Red Sox vs. Yankees, August 26, 2008 *LIVE BLOG*

Straight Flush

Carl Pavano: Worst Yankee Signing Ever?

Chex Mix, Matt Ryan, and more in the Mass Hysteria fantasy football draft

Semi-irregular Jon Lester First Ballot Hall of Fame Update

I can't wait till they make this for OS X.

Jason Varitek and Heidi Watney?

Chupacabra versus Bigfoot **UPDATE** BIGFOOT HOAX?

And honestly, he'll appreciate the kind of straight-forward manner in which you told him your decision.

Semi-Irregular Miguel Tejada Home Run Update

Changing of the guard: 3rd game with new comer Jason Bay in left field. Sox Complete Sweep of A’s

The Trade Deadline Email Thread

You Were Exactly Wrong

The Return of Big Papi - The Introduction of Lil' Papi Game Report, 7/27/08 vs. New York Yankees

2008 MLB All-Star Game, American League vs. National League, July 15, 2008 *LIVE BLOG*

that's all i have to say about that.

2008 All Star Game Selection Special!!! American League installment. Go!

Mad Clown Part 2: The Sinister Laugh

Ejected Fan meets Red Sox Legend Brian Daubach

My cell phone is like the internet's little sister.

FutureMr.EddieVedder

Not only a client, the President

This just takes the motherfucking cake.

I just want to put something to rest, once and for all.

Hot Town Summer in the City: Saturday Red Sox Crush Mariners Game Report, 6/7/08 vs. Seattle Mariners

Mariners vs. Red Sox, June 7,2008 *LIVE BLOG*

The Red Sox of the Future

Hazel Mae's Takeoff Strip

Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.

Rasheed Wallace: Abominable Snow Monster?

Ozzie Guillen: Faithful Countryman, Unscrupulous Comedian

Who Is Heidi Watney?

All the girls standing in the line for the bathroom!

Ryan Braun, this Bud’s for you! Sox Sweep Brewers: Game 1 of Doubleheader Game Report, 5/17/08 vs. Milwaukee Brewers

The No-No Song

Semi-Irregular Jon Lester First Ballot HOF Update: Jon Lester NO HITTER!

Semi-Irregular Miguel Tejada Home Run Update

Fun with T9

Red Sox vs. Twins, May 11, 2008 *LIVE BLOG*

Edited: Craziness

Joe Morgan
(11:18 AM)

Red Sox vs. Yankees, August 26, 2008 LIVE BLOG

Chupacabra versus Bigfoot UPDATE BIGFOOT HOAX?

2008 MLB All-Star Game, American League vs. National League, July 15, 2008 LIVE BLOG

Mariners vs. Red Sox, June 7,2008 LIVE BLOG

Red Sox vs. Twins, May 11, 2008 LIVE BLOG