Fire Joe Morgan. Fire him now. Seriously.

In Joe Morgan's JoeChat™ yesterday, there was the following exchange:

Ryan (Vermont)

How do you feel things will stand at the end of the day in the AL Central?

Joe Morgan

(11:18 AM)

Well, it's not a matter of how they stand at the end of the day today, I think you have to look at the end of the series. The Twins have to win 3 of 4. If they split this series, it will almost be over. It's not going to be easy for the Twins on the road to sweep the Tigers. The Twins, in their ballpark, would have an excellent chance to do so. I just don't see the Twins sweeping the Tigers, so I don't see them winning the division. It's even worse for them if they lose the first game, or lose tomorrow. The Tigers have to win one of the first two games to keep the pressure off themselves. The Twins will face Verlander in the second game. In fact, because they're playing a doubleheader today and in the history of baseball 80% of all doubleheaders have been split.

re-read that last line. "...in the history of baseball, 80% of all doubleheaders have been split."

this is a lie. first of all, from 2002-2008, doubleheaders were split 43.8% of the time. granted, this doesn't cover the same time frame that ol' number-crunching Joe mentioned above. i can't find historical doubleheader data, and don't have the time to comb through 109 year's worth of box scores (ya know, me being a busy working man and all), but here is a little math lesson for you:

for any given team on a long enough time scale, the theoretical probability of sweeping a doubleheader is 25%, winning the first and losing the second is 25%, losing the first and winning the second is 25%, and getting swept is 25%. (unless somehow the team is perenially superior to all other teams in the league, in which case the probability distribution for the yankees would look something like 99%-0.5%-0.5%-0%.) i assure you there is no fallacy in this argument, because we are talking about ALL teams, i.e. the aggregate won-loss percentage is exactly 50% here. so even ignoring the last 7 years (which clearly prove Joe to be a liar), we are talking about a situation that one would expect to see happen 50% of the time (a doubleheader resulting in a split), that Joe claims has actually happened 80% of the time. now again, i don't have historical doubleheader data, so i am going to have to wave my hands a little. since there were 178 doubleheaders in the last 7 years, let's assume there have been 109*178/7 = 2,771 doubleheaders in modern MLB history. (there's actually probably been a lot more, since they were more common back in the day. but keep in mind there used to be only 154 games in the season so this might actually not be too bad an estimate - my gut feeling is that there have been a lot, lot more.) (also, if anything, this underestimate helps Joe, not me, since weirder things - read: 80% of doubleheaders ending in splits - can happen in fewer games.)

so our null hypothesis (i.e. Joe's hypothesis) is thusly: 80% of doubleheaders end in splits. using an n value of 2,771, an x-bar value of .5, and a mu-naught value of .8, i get a z-value of 31.58. (i don't expect you to get this unless you took a statistics class or three. also note that i am taking liberties with conventional symbols, etc.)

31.58. i can't even find an online normal distribution calculator that can give me a precise enough probability of this event actually happening - they all come out to a big, fat, zero.

which is to say this: the probability that over 2,771 doubleheaders, 80% of them would end in a split (when we would expect 50%) is about 0.000000000000000000000001. (give or take a few zeroes.)

there is not a word to describe the reckless, egregious, and sinister claims this man makes week after week on national television and on national internet. he deserves to have his Hall of Fame plaque torn down and melted into computer parts.

All the girls standing in the line for the bathroom!

Smarty Barrett will occasionally blog outside of the common theme of baseball here at The Ejected Fan. Some of his off-topic discussions may include the NBA, the NFL, college basketball, reviews of the latest gangsta rap albums, and recaps from last night's episode of "America's Next Top Model." This is one of those times.

So a few weeks back, HzMLS and I purchased tickets to The Glow in the Dark Tour at the Tweeter Center in Mansfield, MA. We were excited to see some of our favorite hip-hop acts, including Lupe Fiasco, N*E*R*D, and Kanye West. What follows is the legendary tale of that night in its entirety, with no details omitted.

The show started at 6:30. HzMLS and I arrived around 6:45 and moved towards the gates. We quickly took notice of the demographic of the crowd: all high school kids. At best, several of them had just graduated, fresh off the broken condom incidents of prom night and ready to enjoy the 3 or so Kanye songs they've heard on Mix 98.5. Now HzMLS and I are 26 and 25 respectively, so it was pretty easy for us to stand out. It became even easier when HzMLS purchased two beers upon us entering the venue. As we made our way onto the lawn to enjoy Lupe Fiasco, a theme for the night began to develop: kids were going to ask us to buy them beer. We were taken off-guard by the requests at first, and started off by just politely declining. But the requests kept coming. Which got the wheels in our heads turning: how can we turn these kids down? It started innocently. Denying that we were 21, telling them I was HzMLS's dad and I had procured the alcohol, pretending to not speak English, etc. Approximately 90% of the people who asked us for beers were female, a fact not lost on a single man such as myself. We began to start entertaining some offers more seriously, depending on the attractiveness of the female. We were offered $20 to purchase just one beer (beers were $8) and we still said no, although I had to think about it a lot. After HzMLS moved on to beers three and four, he started to get more creative. His first method was to tell a prospective buyer that he is a police officer and he would pretend like he didn't hear her request if she disappeared from his sight. Needless to say, we seriously freaked out a 16-year old girl. At the point, N*E*R*D was on stage and they were rocking. HzMLS began to display his beers prominently to attract prospective customers. His next move would go down in history. Five females approached us. Two were attractive (one very much so) and the other three...not so much. Anyway, my brain starts working as to how to arrange a "make-out-with-me-and-I'll-buy-you-beer" proposition. Even if these girls were 16, it would not be uncharted territory. And because of the existence of Ms.HzMLS (not to be confused with futuremrsrickankiel), I could work my game freely without the threat of competition. As my conscience began to dig at me, HzMLS dropped this gem:

Girl: Will you buy us beer?

HzMLS: How much will you pay us?

Girl: I don't know, like 10 bucks?

HzMLS: Forget it. We've been offered 20 tonight.

Girl: Fine. (Starts to walk away)

HzMLS: Hey!

Girl: (turns back)

HzMLS: Do you know who Al Capone is?

Girl: (quietly) Yes...

HzMLS: Do you know how much he charged for beer?

At this point I was almost in tears from laughing so hard. The girl screamed something about prohibition and stormed off. Toying with these kids was superseding the excitement of the concert itself. Rhianna was on at this point, and after realizing she was wearing more clothing than we would have hoped, HzMLS and I returned to our side-project of the evening. With HzMLS having beers five and six in his clutches, we are re-approached by a few females who were bugging us earlier in the night. By the looks of it, they seem to have acquired a few beverages elsewhere and have become much more persistent. They begin flashing their IDs maintaining that they are 20 years old and will be 21 very soon, so it's not so bad to buy them beer. I start to become persuaded until one of them lets it slip that junior prom was super-rad a few weeks back. Frustrated, one of the girls begins to grab at HzMLS's beers. As he tries to squirm away, I make a desperation move to save him. I inform the girls that if they correctly guess both of our ages, I will procure beers for them. She points to me and guesses 21 and the wager is over (She guessed 22 for HzMLS for those wondering). After the girls depart, I walk with HzMLS to the concourse. I plan to purchase a shirt, and HzMLS grabs beers seven and eight. On the way there, I find a stray ID of a 20-year old girl on the ground and pocket it. Once we return to our spots, Rhianna is almost done and I realize I should probably take what I can get (this is how I often end nights of drinking...but I digress). Two females approach and offer $20 for two beers. I accept and purchase them, pocketing $4, a modest fee in the process. As soon as they grab the beers from me, they disappear in a cloud of dust. Soon after, Kayne comes out, and just rocks his set. The beer stands are closed, so HzMLS and I soak in the awesomeness of a true hip-hop icon. As he is wrapping up, HzMLS notices a throwback Brewers fitted on a blanket, with a crew of four or so people standing in front of it. He snatches up the hat and tucks it under his shirt. Because of his intoxication, he is not very discreet at all, and I have to coach him into pulling off this theft properly. We duck out as Kanye is finishing his set and rush to my car, Brewers hat in tow. At the exit, a woman is handing out promotional stickers of some kind. HzMLS grabs a stack from her, and we proceed to slap them on cars in the parking lot on our way to our vehicle. As the beats pumped from my speakers on our way out of the crowded parking lot, two words resonated in my head about the night we had just experienced....:

Blog It.

ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE: Sox/Yanks - Everybody Wang Chung Tonight! (Native American Night at Fenway) Game Report, 4/11/08 vs. New York Yankees

In order to respect my readers, I must get ejected from Fenway Park at least once this season. Last night the Ejected Fan ran into a few fans who were in fact ejected from the ballpark. We will have more on these fans later in the piece. Fenway Park Security has made the ejection process easier and more efficient with a new security hotline - a 617-XXX-XXXX number that one can call to report an incident. dubbschism comes up with an idea to stage an ejection with the security hotline. Stay tuned in future blogs as we work on the logistics of this ejection plan.

The fun starts at Cornwall’s, a more low-key bar on Comm Ave. Relocated from the other side of Kenmore Square during the late 90’s, it is a great place to grab grub before the game. Midway through our dinner on the front porch, a light rain starts to fall. Zoe states “If it rains and it gets rained out, I am getting really drunk!” Luckily for our sake it was a light rain. There is a Matt Clement look- alike sitting across from us. dubbschism claims that I am a pussy for not taking his picture for this blog. The waitress is referred to as “Hokey Pokey” by Zoe because of her snail's pace service of our food and drink requests. Much to Zoe's chagrin, we meet up with the waitress in the post-game Cask N Flagon line, at which point I tell her, "Zoe says you were Hokey Pokey."…And it rained…And that happened.

We have Right Field “Budweiser” roof deck standing room for the opening game of this Yankees-Sox series. It is rainy, windy, and cold. Management should install portable propane heaters on the roof deck for the first couple months of the season. John Henry, if you are reading this, please take this under strong consideration.

For anyone who has not had the opportunity to be on the roof deck, I will sort of explain the situation with these tickets. Basically you have 2 options: You can buy a $500 table for four that gets you very own waiter or waitress. Or you can spend $30 and obtain a standing room ticket. I refer to the first option as “emotional spending,” especially on a rainy night like tonight. With the waitress option you can order beer, peanuts, pizza etc. Not exactly the type of food that you need valeted. Tonight, one table orders a pizza with extra rain. dubb attempts to flag down a waitress to order beer, but is shot down quickly and told the service is only for those in the seats. (For the record, dubb states, "I don't care, the raspberry vodka I poured from my flask into my $18 hot chocolate was well worth the paranoia of getting caught bringing alcohol into the park.")

We start to interview a teacher from Maine. At her request for anonymity we will refer to the place that she lives only as East Bumfuck. It took her over 5 ½ hours to make the journey to Boston for tonight's game. We ask our teacher friend the question that we left our readers with last week: You can induce a ground ball, a pregnancy, but what else? She offers “Isn’t there a drug that you induce pregnancies with?” Zoe offers that during her 18-hour ordeal she used the drug Pitocin. Another fan erroneously attempts to spell the word.

Our teacher fan also offers another tidbit of information about tonights game: little did we know it was Native American night at the ballpark. I can find no information to corroborate this. However, lets just say it was Native American night at Fenway; neither Jacoby Ellsbury or Joba Chamberlain (both Native Americans) play in tonight's game. We do the tomahawk chop and chant during the seventh inning stretch to honor our Native American brethren. Later in the evening, dubb and I exchange headdresses.

I will say it was another showcase game for Coco Crisp. We asked fans for a few more attributes that scouts should know about Coco Crisp. These include:

*Speed
*Aggressive with women
*Defensive ability; e.g. spectacular catch at the end of Game 7 of the 2007 ALCS (amongst others)
*Has cereal was name after him
*Unfocused (owns a record label)

...And it rained...And that happened.

Our focus shifts to Jose Molina, catcher for the New York Yankees. A fan asks, “Aren’t there three Molina brothers?” There are actually four Molina brothers: Jose, Bengie, Yadier and Miguel. The fourth Molina brother, Miguel Molina, is also a catcher for the Toledo Mudhens. I was unable to locate any statistics on Miguel. I will say this: he is one of the top rated minor league catchers. The Red Sox should make a strong push to put a package together with the Detroit Tigers to acquire this stellar catching prospect.

Towards the end of the seventh inning we move to another section of the ballpark, the new(as of last year) Jordan’s Furniture 3rd base deck. After the fourth Red Sox pitcher, all hell breaks loose! A fight erupts on the stairwell of the Jordan’s deck.

We were there to capture this amazing video.

Apparently, this squabble started when husband would not allow his wife to participate in the Jordan’s Monster Sweep promotion.

Notable Ejections:

From a Sox fan on the T: “The craziest little drunk 120 lb asshole with a Yankee Jersey and a NY Giants hat in Section 39 gets into a fight with a 220 lb guy with a Celtics Cap and a Sox Jersey. The guy with the Celtics cap literally murdered this guy! He tells the smaller guy, 'I don’t mind a Yankee shirt, but the Giants hat makes me want to kick your ass!' Security escorts the scrawny yankee fan off with his home computer made fake ID.”

I go to utilize the ATM on the grand concourse. There is a fan that is stumbling drunk around the concourse and pulls a tablecloth off a nearby table. I have recreated the path of this stumbling drunk as Security catches and escorts him from the premises.

A Yankee fan was ejected from the Left Field Grandstand No Alcohol section. He was quoted as saying, “I was at the game. I had Bacardi in a water bottle. I had nips in my hoodie. I got kicked

out. WooooooHHHH!!”


After the game, we head to the dreaded Cask N Flagon. The line after the game is long as usual. dubb's former roommate sends a text from inside, “I anticipate a mass exodus from the Cask.” This report turns out to be grossly overstated. Once inside the Cask, we head to the nightclub section of the bar. There is a real wannabe on stage with ripped jeans and sunglasses trying to pretend he is a good dancer. We confront dubb's old roommate on his response to the pornographic pictures that we were sent from an unidentified phone. He earlier texted, “I know who you are, asshole. If you send me nasty shit like that again you will fucking regret it. That is a promise.” He brushes us off. Little did he know that he sent that message to a chick.

Outside of the Cask, in a display of athletic prowess, a few of the people that were dancing inside the bar attempt to “Grab Rim” (i.e. touch the top of the Cask’s awning). The first guy jumps and touches the awning. The second guy slips and smacks his head on the pavement.

On the Green line heading home, another battle erupts. I get between the two guys who are about to throw down. The smaller of the two seems to be instigating this when in reality, later on, we find out it is the other way around. The smaller guy takes a swing and slaps the bigger guy. Everybody pretty much gets off and goes their separate ways at the next stop. We trail the taller guy on to the next train and he fails to provide The Ejected Fan with a meaningful interview. He realizes that he doesn’t know where he is or where is going and leaves the train station in a huff and blames us for the distraction. He wouldn't even take our business card! (a.k.a. a piece of paper with a handwritten URL on it)

We meet up with the shorter guy and his entourage at another stop and they actually turn out to be alright. Possibly, they may even become future readers of The Ejected Fan.

**On a side note, the Yankees did win and Wang pitched a decent game, but the Yankees still suck!