Reggaeton ain't hot in the building no more... IT'S OKAY, I GET IT POPPIN'!

So I'm a little late with this, but rest assured, I have many updates from the game Saturday night. The evening began with the ejected fan requesting a stop at the liquor store for some nips. He decided against putting them in his hoodie. Whilst on the T, I saw ejf completely slam two nips of Sambvca. HzMLS and I looked at each other, nodded and knew that we may be in for another night of ejection. After the strong drinks outweighed the poor service at the Rattlesnake, we were off to Fenway. dubb and friends The Professor and Lock Ness (this name is completely subject to change...I just need an alias for the story) were also in tow, and we began our trek to the Fens. Once outside, I was feeling the effects of my Captain and Cokes, and I decided to ask ejected fan if he wanted to share his nip of Jägermeister with me. He slurred out that he had already consumed it and stumbled on. It was at this point that dubb decided to share the folklore that is the inspiration for this blog: Ejected Fan's Ejection©. This story will not be posted here, but rest assured, it will be posted on this site soon, so that all may know the story of The Ejected Fan.



Once in the park, HzMLS and I purchase beverages and make our way to our seats in the upper bleachers. We find ourself behind several college-age goons who are shouting out such taunts as "Hey Lester, you were better when you had cancer!" We quickly divert our attention, but still maintain jotting notes about them in the notebook, as to not forget their idiocy. Later in the game, they begin tossing out baseball cards, almost in the style of making it rain. I grab two of the cards, one is a mint condition Chuck Jackson, the other is a slightly dogeared Brook Jacoby. As HzMLS and I walk down the bleacher steps to use the restroom, I hold up a card to show dubb. Even from the distance, he notes that they are 1988 Topps. He is correct.


It took several beverages to realize this, but HzMLS and I were graced by a celebrity two rows in front of us. He is seen here, and it is none other than our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. We are too shy to ask Him anything, but we feel His presence and know He will bring something good to the game. Soon after the ejected fan stumbled over, climbing across the lap of the Almighty, the almighty Manny Ramirez launched a shot so mammoth that it may still be in flight. Jesus made his presence felt, the avid Reggaeton fan got it popping, and the Red Sox were victorious yet again. They are now 2-0 when all four members of the Ejected Fan attend. Coincidence? I think not.

Play....Ball.

we're underway. and we've got the same hopes as the 2008 marlins - to attract an audience bigger than 4. we tried to have this up and running for the start of the season, but we're still getting over the jet lag we succumbed to on our trip to japan.

(sidenote 1 about jet lag: contrary to what you might have read about Red Sox and A's players being tired in Tokyo from jet lag, its detrimental effects really only manifest themselves after a long flight west-to-east. It's common sense, too: leave Tokyo at, say, noon, and arrive in Los Angeles 11.5 hours later. your body thinks it's 11:30 at night. Los Angeles thinks it's 7:30 in the morning. i mean, what would Jesus do in a situation like that? i like to think he'd go nocturnal and leave his clock on Tokyo time. i can just see it now:

Jesus: come on man! get up, shave those weird sideburns and let's hit up The Garden of Eden! (only night club in Hollywood that JC goes to)
mike mussina [groggily]: dude, it's 1:30 in the morning. i still have jet lag.
Jesus: stop being such a pussy, mike. that was four years ago. and besides, there's a new cure for jet lag.
mike mussina: zzzzzzz
Jesus: fine. one more question though. was it you that taught ian kennedy to bend over like a retard when he's throwing from the stretch?
mike mussina: GOD DAMMIT! leave me the FUCK ALONE and LET ME SLEEP. this is worse than rooming with BUBBA CROSBY.
Jesus: ooh what are you gonna do? throw a knuckle curve at me?!? i'm outta here, man. [slams door, uses magic to turn hotel room AC to "hell freezing over" level]
[curtain closes]

end sidenote 1.)

(sidenote 2 about jet lag: one time a good friend of mine went to Ireland for a week. he's not Irish or anything but that's sort of besides the point. he came back to the states and wasn't feeling so well. he had a cold or something. anyway, he tried telling me that it was jet lag. my point is that even the non-Irish don't really get what jet lag is. it's a poorly-understood concept. i'm not even sure they have warmed toilet seats in Ireland.

end sidenote 2.)

also, we didn't go to Japan.

anyway, some observations about the brief season are in order, because like when Chris Shelton went absolutely nuts in April of 06, we like to imagine what could be.

for starters, the last three teams in terms of runs scored in the AL: Detroit, New York, Boston. also, just as expected, the 5 worst players in the AL according to position-adjusted BRAA (Batting Runs Above Average):

Placido Polanco: -4.6

Robinson Cano: -4.4

David Ortiz: -4.3

Kenji Johjima : -4.3

Carl Crawford : -4.3

i mean, i guess Polanco isn't that shocking. dude's been way over his head ever since he was a utility player for St. Louis. but come on - KENJI JOHJIMA??!??!!

of course, if you look at a handful of games in the middle of the year and compile stats like this, most people will tell you they're meaningless. but if you're just looking at the outset of the season, the numbers all of a sudden become baseline for the next six months. some projections, courtesy of espn:

• Daisuke Matsuzaka will go 36-0, pitch 324 innings, have 396 k's and an era of 1.47.
• Joe Crede will hit .406 and smash Hack Wilson's rbi record with 223. (white sox still won't make playoffs.)
• Miguel Cabrera will hit .125 with no doubles.
• Prince Fielder will eat zero steaks. (more on him in subsequent posts.)
  

so of course my point is that the first week is pretty much the most important time in a baseball season. just imagine what would have happened last year if the Rockies hadn't won their second game last season! we'd all be speaking diamondbackese. and that's a fact.