Sox reacquire most virgin ass in MLB, money, hoes

All the girls standing in the line for the bathroom!

Smarty Barrett will occasionally blog outside of the common theme of baseball here at The Ejected Fan. Some of his off-topic discussions may include the NBA, the NFL, college basketball, reviews of the latest gangsta rap albums, and recaps from last night's episode of "America's Next Top Model." This is one of those times.

So a few weeks back, HzMLS and I purchased tickets to The Glow in the Dark Tour at the Tweeter Center in Mansfield, MA. We were excited to see some of our favorite hip-hop acts, including Lupe Fiasco, N*E*R*D, and Kanye West. What follows is the legendary tale of that night in its entirety, with no details omitted.

The show started at 6:30. HzMLS and I arrived around 6:45 and moved towards the gates. We quickly took notice of the demographic of the crowd: all high school kids. At best, several of them had just graduated, fresh off the broken condom incidents of prom night and ready to enjoy the 3 or so Kanye songs they've heard on Mix 98.5. Now HzMLS and I are 26 and 25 respectively, so it was pretty easy for us to stand out. It became even easier when HzMLS purchased two beers upon us entering the venue. As we made our way onto the lawn to enjoy Lupe Fiasco, a theme for the night began to develop: kids were going to ask us to buy them beer. We were taken off-guard by the requests at first, and started off by just politely declining. But the requests kept coming. Which got the wheels in our heads turning: how can we turn these kids down? It started innocently. Denying that we were 21, telling them I was HzMLS's dad and I had procured the alcohol, pretending to not speak English, etc. Approximately 90% of the people who asked us for beers were female, a fact not lost on a single man such as myself. We began to start entertaining some offers more seriously, depending on the attractiveness of the female. We were offered $20 to purchase just one beer (beers were $8) and we still said no, although I had to think about it a lot. After HzMLS moved on to beers three and four, he started to get more creative. His first method was to tell a prospective buyer that he is a police officer and he would pretend like he didn't hear her request if she disappeared from his sight. Needless to say, we seriously freaked out a 16-year old girl. At the point, N*E*R*D was on stage and they were rocking. HzMLS began to display his beers prominently to attract prospective customers. His next move would go down in history. Five females approached us. Two were attractive (one very much so) and the other three...not so much. Anyway, my brain starts working as to how to arrange a "make-out-with-me-and-I'll-buy-you-beer" proposition. Even if these girls were 16, it would not be uncharted territory. And because of the existence of Ms.HzMLS (not to be confused with futuremrsrickankiel), I could work my game freely without the threat of competition. As my conscience began to dig at me, HzMLS dropped this gem:

Girl: Will you buy us beer?

HzMLS: How much will you pay us?

Girl: I don't know, like 10 bucks?

HzMLS: Forget it. We've been offered 20 tonight.

Girl: Fine. (Starts to walk away)

HzMLS: Hey!

Girl: (turns back)

HzMLS: Do you know who Al Capone is?

Girl: (quietly) Yes...

HzMLS: Do you know how much he charged for beer?

At this point I was almost in tears from laughing so hard. The girl screamed something about prohibition and stormed off. Toying with these kids was superseding the excitement of the concert itself. Rhianna was on at this point, and after realizing she was wearing more clothing than we would have hoped, HzMLS and I returned to our side-project of the evening. With HzMLS having beers five and six in his clutches, we are re-approached by a few females who were bugging us earlier in the night. By the looks of it, they seem to have acquired a few beverages elsewhere and have become much more persistent. They begin flashing their IDs maintaining that they are 20 years old and will be 21 very soon, so it's not so bad to buy them beer. I start to become persuaded until one of them lets it slip that junior prom was super-rad a few weeks back. Frustrated, one of the girls begins to grab at HzMLS's beers. As he tries to squirm away, I make a desperation move to save him. I inform the girls that if they correctly guess both of our ages, I will procure beers for them. She points to me and guesses 21 and the wager is over (She guessed 22 for HzMLS for those wondering). After the girls depart, I walk with HzMLS to the concourse. I plan to purchase a shirt, and HzMLS grabs beers seven and eight. On the way there, I find a stray ID of a 20-year old girl on the ground and pocket it. Once we return to our spots, Rhianna is almost done and I realize I should probably take what I can get (this is how I often end nights of drinking...but I digress). Two females approach and offer $20 for two beers. I accept and purchase them, pocketing $4, a modest fee in the process. As soon as they grab the beers from me, they disappear in a cloud of dust. Soon after, Kayne comes out, and just rocks his set. The beer stands are closed, so HzMLS and I soak in the awesomeness of a true hip-hop icon. As he is wrapping up, HzMLS notices a throwback Brewers fitted on a blanket, with a crew of four or so people standing in front of it. He snatches up the hat and tucks it under his shirt. Because of his intoxication, he is not very discreet at all, and I have to coach him into pulling off this theft properly. We duck out as Kanye is finishing his set and rush to my car, Brewers hat in tow. At the exit, a woman is handing out promotional stickers of some kind. HzMLS grabs a stack from her, and we proceed to slap them on cars in the parking lot on our way to our vehicle. As the beats pumped from my speakers on our way out of the crowded parking lot, two words resonated in my head about the night we had just experienced....:

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