Hot Town Summer in the City: Saturday Red Sox Crush Mariners Game Report, 6/7/08 vs. Seattle Mariners

My record at the games I have attended at Fenway this season is 7-1. However, I am not so delusional as to believe that I have a direct impact on the outcome of any game. With the best home record in baseball, the Sox just play well at Fenway. Up until Friday evening the Sox had not lost a game at Fenway since May 1. However, today their line up was again atrophied by the absence of Ortiz for the sixth straight game, but they still managed to put up some big innings against Seattle pitching. The seventy million dollar man, JD Drew , is finally starting to hit the cover off the ball. Despite a tight hammy, Slap-happy (Manny Ramirez) is hitting the ball to all fields.

We start our day off at La Verdad. Not to be confused with the home of Celtics Player Paul Pierce, La Verdad is a Mexican Taqueria on Landsdowne street next to Jillian’s. We miss the first couple of innings of the game waiting for our food to be served. The TV is finally tuned to the Fox broadcast and we see a towering shot by Manny Ramirez that goes over everything. Due to the broadcast delay, we hear the applause about four seconds before we see Manny hit the home run. The Fox broadcast zooms in on a garage attendant who tracks down the ball in the garage on Landsdowne street. Dubbschism kids, “There goes the ball” as he points to Landsdowne street at our vantage point about 200 yards from that garage.

With the hype of the Celtics in the NBA finals, our focus shifted to discussion of the finals and how Kobe Bryant and Lebron James do not hold a candle to Michael Jordan. Knight Rider goes on to state, “Michael Jordan made moves in the air that I’ve only seen small kittens make.” The style of play in the NBA today is certainly different than it was in the eighties and nineties…

Breathalyzer Guy

After finishing our Mexican fare and buckets of Corona at La Verdad, we enter the park in the third inning and head to the pavilion standing room section of Fenway. Immediately upon entering the section we see a guy blowing into a breathalyzer. The Ejected Fan inquires, “Does that start your car?” Breathalyzer guy responds, “No, but it drops my girlfriend’s panties.” Ejected Fan wonders whether one can blow a 4.0 which, would be Summa Cum Laude by Blood Alcohol standards. Upon further research E.F has deemed this feat impossible because death almost always imminently occurs at .40 percent.

At this point in the evening EF was achieving probably a .059% BAC with mild euphoria, relaxtion, talkativeness etc…In reference to our blog monikers, Breathalyzer guy asks Double Dragon, “How did you come up with the name Double Dragon? Were you on a 6 day drug binge when later you found out that you did 2 chicks at the same time?"

Knight Rider Celebrates his Birthday
Today was Knight Rider’s birthday. He celebrated in a few different ways:

1. Broadcasting Solo-Mad libs (Mad Libs done without the help of others) to a captive audience on the second floor of the Baseball Tavern.
   
2. While at Baseball Tavern, “867-5309” by Tommy Tutone
   starts playing on the jukebox. A thoroughly inebriated (BAC .11-.20) Birthday Boy decides to dial 617-867-5309. He then leaves a drunken rendition of this classic 80’s song on the answering machine of a Boston area plumbing and heating company.
   
3. A guy on the T has two stones. He shotguns a beer. In an act of protest, Knight Rider shotguns his beer, but does not quite finish. The guy with the Keystone Lights chastises Knight Rider for not completely finisihing his Bud Light...in an act of unity, a passenger who was inadvertently showered with Keystone Light says "what the hell?" and whips out a 40oz. he had in a paper bag and takes a swig. Dubbschism and Zeitgeist follow suit.
4. Knight Rider's unsuccessful attempts to sell a birthday Menage a Trois to a couple. Dejected, he is turned down by the large pig tail girl.
   
5. Armed with a tennis ball, another highlight of Knight Rider’s day is playing catch on Ipswich street.
   
6. Interesting Trivia about Knight Rider: Upon discussion of the classic video game Double Dragon and the hair grab knee move, discussion shifts to Street Fighter. Knight Rider admits that he once wore a green sweatsuit to emulate his idol, Ryu from the video game Street Fighter.
   
   
   Double Dragon on Parenting
   
   Today was the hottest day of the year thus far with mercury topping out in the low 90’s. Luckily our group was under the shade of the roof overhang. Witnessing a toddler in a stroller with his parents, Double Dragon states, “I don’t know much about parenting, but I know that’s not good. A jacket on a kid in 90 degree heat! That’s child abuse. Look the stroller doubles as a stretcher….” E.F states, “Yeah your kids will melt.”
   
   It is tough to see the game from the Pavilion standing room section today. Fans along the standing room railing are dug in like World War I Germans in trenches. It is tough to get a view of the action on the field. Due to the extreme heat by the mid 7th inning, there is a lot of open seats around us. Fans who could actually see the game are treated to dueling knuckleballers R.U.A. Dickey and Wakefield facing each other.
   Todays game seems to fly by. Maybe it is the fact that it was a 3:55 PM start or that we had missed the first couple innings. The length of the game is 2 hours and 45 minutes which seems short for such a high scoring affair. Stay tuned in a couple weeks for next update from E.F at Fenway.

The Red Sox of the Future

A guest blog from friend Ernie Dolan:

This is a golden age of baseball in Boston. Some may consider it the golden age for all sports here, what with the recent success of the Patriots, Celtics and local college teams, but for eight months a year, it is the Red Sox who dominate local discussion and provide the most excitement night in and night out.

In the past four seasons since winning the World Series, a youthful renaissance has busted onto the scene. First we were introduced to Kevin Youkilis and Jonathan Papelbon, the first basemen/closer combination of the future. Last season, we witnessed the arrival of the gritty Dustin Pedroia and speedy Jacoby Ellsbury, the later an instant heartthrob for women all over Boston, including my girlfriend. Jon Lester, Clay Buchholz, and this season in just a few spot starts, Justin Masterson have made the pitching rotation one of the most promising in the major leagues. And coming soon to the local nine a boat load more of the brightest future prospects in the game.

Through skillful and visionary scouting and drafting, the Red Sox put together a farm system that is setting a new standard on how to go about winning World Series Championships. While the Evil Empire of Baseball went about the early half of the 00’s throwing money around and selling off players like Burritos flying off the counter at Bulocco, the Sox took a different approach. While not every prospect realizes his potential (names like Brian Taylor and Drew Henson come to mind) the Red Sox have largely been able to beat the house more often than not and it is through no string of luck. Boston is a city full of smart people, and the Red Sox are cornering the market on Baseball stat geeks and nerds. Through new ways of valuing talent and teaching different baseball philosophies, the Red Sox produced disciplined players like Youkilis, also known as “The Greek God of Walks”.

While I can’t offer the hilarity found in filling out Mad Libs or making off-the-wall bets, one thing I am betting on and I feel all of Red Sox Nation should be aware of is that the winning ways aren’t going away any time soon. As the Schillings, Timlins, Lowells and Variteks head off to pasture, fear not - for the line of new faces anxious and ready to take over is on the horizon. There are plenty of MLB ready stars in nearby Pawtucket, exciting ball players like Jeff Bailey (.318 16 HR 44 RBI), Jed Lowrie (42 AB, .310 AVG .340 OBP w/Red Sox & 73rd rated prospect by Baseball America), and Chris Carter (.320 8 HR 31 RBI) and hurlers like Buchholz (4th rated prospect by baseball America) and Masterson (2 GS, 12.1 IP 1.46 ERA w/Red Sox & 64th rated prospect by Baseball America), both not on the current big league roster. In Portland, get excited about Michael Bowden (94th rated prospect by Baseball America) and Daniel Bard (grooming to be a closer), both of whom may be getting their first look at Fenway during September call-ups. And in the lower Single A ball, are future power hitters Ryan Kalish (96th rated prospect by Baseball America), Jason Place and Lars Anderson (40th rated prospect by Baseball America), names to make up for the unthinkable loss of Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz in the far off future. The future is also bright for last year’s #1 draft pick Nick Hagadone, even though his development is slowed by a season ending injury this year.

In 2010, the Boston Red Sox could have a starting infield of Jeff Bailey, Chris Carter or Lars Anderson at first base, Pedoria at second, Youklis at third and Jed Lowrie at shortstop. In the outfield, we could see Ellsbury, Ryan Kalish and Jason Place. And a wealth of arms with a mix of Beckett, Matsuzaka, Buchholz, Masterson, Lester, and Bowden and possibly Nick Hagadone all fighting for five rotation spots. Daniel Bard may be setting up Papelbon. This would be a formidable team indeed with the biggest future question mark being finding a starting catcher. The 2008 MLB draft happens soon and one can only imagine what new potential prospects will be added to the wealth we already possess in our farm system. Perhaps a catcher or a five tool all around athlete (we miss you, Hanley Ramirez) is on the horizon. As the rest of baseball shudders and tries to keep pace, the new motto of Red Sox nation rings true, “In Theo We Trust”.


By Ernest Grover Dolan II

Manny being MAN-RAM!!Game Report, 4/19/08 vs. Texas Rangers

I am going to start off by saying that I don’t have enough material for a blog this evening. However, Smarty Barrett and I did bring our handy blog notebooks so that we wouldnt misremember any events of the evening. Maybe it’s the fact that I was too drunk or that my gut tells me there was not enough notable events that happened. In addition I was really pissed when we arrived at the Rattlesnake and I realized that I had misremembered my copy of mid-game entertainment, Adult Mad Libs.

I am thoroughly socially lubricated by the time we finish the walk to Fenway from Rattlesnake to arrive 20 minutes after the game's start. This is a long walk up Boylston, down Ipswich and then down to Gate C on Landsdowne street. We should have taken the T, but my stubbornness forces this longer inefficient journey.

The South African Perspective on Baseball
We have a last minute scratch to our lineup due to frustration and traffic around Fenway. So we invite a South African known as The Professor. Being a righteous American, I don’t know what sports they play in South Africa, nor do I really care. Although I think they like cricket.
Before getting to the game, The Professor states “You can’t blame me if I fall asleep.” Obviously, he has as much respect for the sports we enjoy in this country as I would if put in the opposite position. During mid game, I further inquire with The Professor for his perspective on baseball. He states “I think there is enough beer at the stadium to make it interesting.” I ask him to compare baseball to cricket. The Professor exclaims, “It is just as boring as cricket, but at least in cricket the guys don’t wear tight pants.”

This game was far from boring. I make the journey to the upper bleachers to check in with Smarty Barrett. In my drunken state, only one event stands out as noteworthy - Manny’s 496th home run. During this monster blast, I guess I somehow manage to kick over HzMLS's beer. Manny saves the day again this week with this mammoth round tripper. No matter what anyone says about Manny’s quirks, he is one of the greatest right handed hitters to have ever played the game and thankfully, he is on the Sox.

Smarty Barrett and HzMLS’s upper bleacher seats are right next to the Dunkin Dugout. I kid with them earlier inquiring “How is the Dunkin Dugout?” As much as I might kid about the Dunkin Dugout, it is a very worthy pursuit. Tonight the Plummer Home for Boys in Salem, MA give 24 tickets to their under-privileged boys to take in the game in this section at Fenway. Please note: Smarty Barrett and HzMLS were not actually in the Dunkin Dugout. They do have Dunkin Donuts shirts on that were 3 sizes too big. And yes, this is proof that America (or at least Massachusetts) really does run on Dunkin.

Some other notable random observations from last nights game:

• The Bruins win and fans break into a USA chant at the game. A fan with a Habs jersey is razzed; The Professor has profound misgivings about whether or not to join along in the chant.
  
• The fans behind me sound like dying Tauntauns.


• There is a guy with a Titleist cap with the Yankees logo on the side. This guy is gay to be that non-committal to his team.


• There was a bachelorette party at the park. This “Red Sox Bride” has a Sox tattoo on her face. I find bachelor or bachelorette parties at Fenway to be rather boring. Go to a strip club or something....


• A fan screams out “Botts smells like butts!”


• This guy in a Varitek jersey in front of us with earrings in both ears tries to start the wave. Extreme gayness ensues. (To our readers: what is the male equivalent of a Vari-dyke?)
  
• A fan in section 38 has a sign that says "JACOBY’S BIGGEST FAN." This “Windtalking” Navajo has certainly become the crush of many a teenage girl around the park.
  

I apologize to readers for peddling brevity. I will have more on Marathon Monday as the Red Sox take on the Texas Rangers for the final game of the series. Stay tuned.

Sox are Rubber Game Winners thanks to a little KY: ESPN Game of the Week!Game Report, 4/13/08 vs. New York Yankees

We start our evening off at the famous Legal Seafood Restaurant at the Prudential. As far as this internet publication is concerned, Legals is the best seafood restaurant in the world. Jumpstreet orders Lobster bake. The waitress offers to put his bib on for him. After initially declining, he gives in and subsequently finds himself attracted to her bib-fitting skills. In a show of manliness, he fails to finish his meal. Approximately $15 worth of shellfish remain. The bib would remain on Jumpstreet for most of the evening as a badge of honor.
Zeitgeist orders 3 samples of port. As he sips the port, he decides to take a photograph for our readers. Zeit's camera has several different settings - auction, document, cuisine, etc. He demonstrates the various settings by taking several shots with Port as the subject. Below is a photo of port on auction mode. I would place top bid for that.

A hot waitress stands next to Jumpstreet while she takes the order at another table. Jumpstreet turns, spies her buttocks, and exclaims “Oh Boy.” Zeitgeist suggests taking a photo. Jump agrees with the stipulation that the “cuisine” setting should be used.

Tonight is Rich Gedman Bobblehead night at Fenway. The first 15,000 fans in attendance tonight receive a Rich Gedman Bobblehead doll thanks to sponsor Girls Gone Wild. These highly sought after bobbleheads have already appeared on Ebay for an asking price of $300 plus. On a side note Girls Gone Wild is heavily promoting their new Girls Gone Wild: “Finally 18” DVDs. GGW have invested in new advertisement space on the Green Monster for this promotion.

HzMLS’s experience at fenway was significantly upgraded when a beautiful youg coed sits down next to him. Most likely a talent from Girls Gone Wild, HzMLS adds that she smells heavenly. The women to our left are hit upon by an extremely drunk man who tries to pick them up with stories of diaper changes and a sore colon (not to be confused with the Red Sox disabled list, which also contains a sore Colon).

The discussion of the night turns to Conigliaro’s Corner, the scene of recent gang style stabbings. Beware of this section of Fenway after dark. A fan was thrown off the top of Congliaro’s corner during the second game of the season, reminiscent of the death of Maude Flanders in the heart touching Simpsons Episode: Alone Again, Natura-Diddly. Fans can thank Jumpstreet for making several arrests and a sweep of the area during the seventh inning stretch.

The highlight of the evening was HzMLS viewing of an interesting text from a guy who was seated directly in front of him. The text said “that’s for later. the ky is on the nightstand and ready.”

Earlier in the evening the ejected fan purchased a copy of Mad Libs. We proceed to start the vociferous word game using such nouns as: nightstands, ecstasy beads, wiffle ball bat and sphincter…. The gentleman in front of us feigned being unphased by our display of vocabulary. The KY man left shortly there after to start his own "rubber* game" in the alligator lagoon*. This is the copy of Mad Libs for your enjoyment from the game last evening.

Some other interesting observations from last nights game:
ESPN SIGN that would have been more appropriate on Native American Night :
ELLSBURY:
SPEED
POWER
NAVAJO

Whitney Houston is in attendance in the bleachers. Following shortly behind her is Frank Farmer and Bobby Brown. It appears that Bobby has spent most of her fortune, however she is still nicely dressed for the bleacher section at Fenway.

There is a girl with a Rhinestone “BLING” Cap on who proceeds to spill her beer, drenching ½ dozen fans in front of her. Holding her beer at a 45 degree angle, she announces, “I smoke a lot of weed!” She begins a cell phone conversation, and HzMLS bets that she will drop her cell phone. 2 seconds later the cell phone falls to the cement below.

Mathematician dubbschism uses an advanced mathematic equation to accurately determine the attendance at Fenway Park. Or maybe he just guessed, “IT‘S C!!”

The Ejected Fan purchased a bag of Cracker Jack. The prize inside was a retarded version of a “Mad Fold In” with a history lesson worthy of the Dunkin Dugout.

A fan in front of us posits that “Molina” is Spanish for "catcher." Every team has a Molina.

All in all, Sunday's game was decent. The other KY went 2-3 with 2 RBIs to help the cause. A-Rod went 0-5. What more could you ask for? See you next week…..

*Warning: KY Jelly will deteriorate latex.