Monday, April 14, 2008

Trot Nixon would prefer that you keep it in your pants

So Hazel Mae's Landing Strip stumbled upon this gem at his place of employment today, and it cannot go unnoticed. Or un-blogged.

Our old friend Trot Nixon, he of grit and dirt and hustle and thanks-but-no-thanks-MLB-I-don't-need-a-new-hat is apparently a member of an organization called Life Athletes. HzMLS came upon this via an educational video of Nixon giving a talk about chastity and abstinence. The group has many other notable (and hilarious) members, including Fred Smerlas, Oddibe McDowell, and Wellington Mara, who I have on good authority has been abstaining from relations since at least October 25, 2005.

The group itself has, um, interesting, if not useful information on their site. Example: "Sex touches upon the most important things in life, namely marriage, family, and even heaven itself." Sex also touches on an explicit text message concerning a nightstand with KY Jelly on it. (More on this in a future post.) My favorite gem would be this, inexplicably listed under "health advisory": "Swimming in an alligator-infested lagoon may give relief from the heat but it is also very risky. Giving in to sexual impulses can be risky too." This is maybe the worst sex-related analogy I have ever read. The site discusses many topics, such as waiting until marriage, waiting until you are in love, and being 100% sure before having relations, or else FACE THE ALLIGATORS!!! And yet, I feel like they might be leaving a few things out.

Also, as a sidenote, it appears our friend Trot is in the minors and taking a crash-course on how to play 1st base. You keep at it, old friend. And I'll try not to swim with any alligators, if you get my drift.

1 comment:

dubbschism said...

You've never heard of the alligator as the ultimate animal metaphor for intercourse? I'm sure you also didn't know that the gila monster represents oral sex, "Komodo dragon" is code in some circles for anal, and chameleon-gecko-skink refers to an all-out lesbian orgy. Also of note, "herpetology" is the study of reptiles.