Ichiro Fucking

Semi-irregular Jon Lester First Ballot Hall of Fame Update

Jon Lester's record as of Aug. 22nd: 12-4

Probability that Lester is elected to the National Baseball Hall of Fame on the first ballot: 6%

This means there is a 6% chance of the Ejected Fan doing incalculable damage to my groin area. If that indeed happens, I propose to my fellow bloggers that we hire this boy to recap the action:

The Return of Big Papi - The Introduction of Lil' Papi Game Report, 7/27/08 vs. New York Yankees

A game recap not done by the Ejected Fan? A Yankees/Red Sox game where we saw no ejections? (Although apparently there was one.) We even introduce two new Sox fans to the blog, so read on!

This game did not look like it was going to happen. HzMLS and I had weather.com and boston.com open on our laptops trying to monitor the situation. As soon as the rain stopped, we hit the road. With Jenny Cupcakes and Dan Haren, Jr. (DHJ) in tow, we arrived at the park rather early. The first thing we noticed was a young boy sitting in front of us with an Ortiz jersey that said "Papi" on the back and a hat embroidered with the nickname "Lil' Papi." As the Sox began to embarrass the Yankees, we struck up a conversation with Lil' Papi. Turns out he and his family came all the way from Indianapolis to see the Sox take on the Evil Empire. HzMLS and I ask if he is a fan of other Boston sports. He and his dad mention the Celtics, but admit that their football allegiance lies with the Colts. HzMLS quotes a Meatloaf song. Some other gems from Lil' Papi:

• When HzMLS began ribbing him for liking the Colts, Lil' Papi turned to him and asked "Hey, when's the last time your team won the Championship?"
• HzMLS asked him who his favorite player is, not including Ortiz of course. Lil' Papi cited Ted Williams, which prompts HzMLS to ask if Lil' Papi knows the significance of the red seat in the bleachers. Lil' Papi explains that a man in the crowd of a Sox game fell asleep in that seat, so Ted Williams hit a home run off his head to wake him up.
• Lil' Papi had a Spiderman camera. HzMLS asserts that Spiderman is the greatest superhero. I disagree, citing Batman, which prompts the following discussion:

Me: Batman is way better. He has the Batmobile. Have you ever heard of the Spidermobile?

HzMLS: So? He shoots webs. Does Batman shoot webs?

Me: No. He shoots blades out of his wrists.

HzMLS: Yeah, but can those blades save someone who is falling?

• After a few beers, HzMLS quips that he would like a Lil' Papi hat to wear on his crotch.

Some other non-Lil' Papi gems from the night:

• During one of Richie Sexson's ABs, the following fact appears on the JumboTron: "At 6'7", Sexson is the tallest position player in Yankees history." DHJ and I joke that it should read: "At 6'7", Sexson is the worst position player in Yankees history."
• Jenny Cupcakes comments that she hates Robinson Cano, prompting avid approval from fans next to us, and even screams of "I HATE YOU!" during Cano's ABs.

• Talking with the family in front of us, HzMLS and I struggle to name even one player on the Pacers. Our guesses of Stephen Jackson, Austin Croshere, Jermaine O'Neal, and Al Harrington are shot down. When we finally land on Jamaal Tinsley, Lil' Papi's dad informs us that the Pacers are trying to trade him.
• HzMLS spies an acquaintance about 10 rows in front of us, and informs our group that he was FutureMrs.HzMLS's date to a high school prom. After some liquid encouragement, he shouts, "Hey! You know your junior prom date? Yeah, I'm marrying her!"
• On our way out of the park, HzMLS begins talking about plans for his bachelor party. Jenny Cupcakes comments that she wishes she was a guy so she could go to bachelor parties. HzMLS tells her, "You're not a bachelor, you're a bachelorette! There's like a 6 1/2 inch difference."
• I comment that we should sell advertising on the Ejected Fan, and use the proceeds to buy HzMLS alcohol at games, to fuel material for the site.

All in all, a great game, Sox were able to salvage one and fend off a sweep, thanks to some stellar pitching by future HOFer Jon Lester. And we got to see Big Papi go deep. But the night belonged to Lil' Papi.