Semi-irregular Jon Lester First Ballot Hall of Fame Update

Jon Lester's record as of Aug. 22nd: 12-4

Probability that Lester is elected to the National Baseball Hall of Fame on the first ballot: 6%

This means there is a 6% chance of the Ejected Fan doing incalculable damage to my groin area. If that indeed happens, I propose to my fellow bloggers that we hire this boy to recap the action:

Semi-Irregular Miguel Tejada Home Run Update

today's date: 08/08/08
Miggy's current HR total: 11
Miggy's projected HR total, should he keep up this pace: 16
probability that the ejected fan wins my $20, unscrupulously puts it in a Roth IRA with hopes of the principal maturing into the approximately $6,000* it would cost him for reconstructive surgery so as to look like Eddie Vedder, then spends the $6,000 on reconstructive surgery so as to look like Eddie Vedder: 15%
probability that the ejected fan would get recontructive surgery so as to look like Eddie Vedder, if he had the money to spend regardless of Miggy's 2008 HR stats: 97%.



*i calculated this number using a complex algorithm involving costs of various plastics surgeries people have undergone in an effort to emulate their favorite celebrities. the actual cost would be $6,124. it's accurate.

Semi-Irregular Jon Lester First Ballot HOF Update: Jon Lester NO HITTER!

Lester threw a no hitter!

Enough said.

This is number one of many.

Smarty Barrett will be kicked in the nuts in 20 years...

Semi-Irregular Miguel Tejada Home Run Update

today's date: the Ides of May
Miggy's current HR total: 5
Miggy's projected HR total, should he keep up this pace: 20 (!!!!!)
probability that the ejected fan wins my $20 and spends it on overpriced Sambvca nips from the Regal Beagle so he can get plastered on the T before he even gets to Fenway: 12%

Edited: Craziness

i just want to say: if Jon Lester is a first ballot HOFer, i will give you back the $20 i'm going to win when Miggy Tejada finishes the season on the DL with a pituitary tumor and 13 home runs.

also, Smarty Barrett will let you punch him in the crotch.

Tres de Mayo: Sox exact revenge on a 'Team Formerly Known as the Devil Rays' at Fenway!Game Report, 5/3/08 vs. Tampa Bay Rays

The ejected fan starts the evening off solo at Who’s on First waiting for dubbschism and HzMLS. Who’s on First is a Yawkey Way bar that non-ticketed fans can enter through the alleyway on Brookline Ave. This is important because the ejected fan does not enjoy waiting in lines for bars; plus there is easy access to Fenway Park with no line from this bar.
Tonight is May 3rd - two days before Cinco De Mayo. In honor of Cinco de Mayo, Corona is giving out koozies that look like ponchos from Clint Eastwood’s The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. A Mariachi Band enters Who’s on First through the alleyway entrance and plays such hits as La Cucaracha and Tequila. Ejected fan has exclusive video footage.

In addition to being the third of May, it was a guy named Mook's 50th birthday party in the back of Who’s on First. Apparently he sucks, because a bunch of his friends go about getting autographs from pseudo-celebrities saying that Mook sucks. They even spent a great deal of time creating a flier with these “Mook Sucks” autographs.

By the time they get into the park and get to their seats, the Red Sox have scored 3 runs off James Shields. dubb buys corn on the cob and is eating at his seat. He bites into the cob and the juice from the kernels shoot five rows in front of us. The ejected fan hope no one in front of him has any food allergies. Luckily tonight Smarty Barrett sits in the gluten-free section of Fenway, otherwise known as the Alcohol-free left field grandstands. Smarty Barrett coins this part of the park “The Free Alcohol Zone” due to the smuggling of alcohol into this area.

Wagering at Fenway
A group of four bleacher creatures is running a (possibly illegal) gambling racket, taking bets on whether or not the baseball ends up on the dirt of the mound at the end of each inning. A chubby girl with curly hair seems to be the head bookie. The ejected fan inquires about getting in on this action, but is denied on the pretext that his group is not in their row. dubbschism, HzMLS, and ejf start their own wager on which player will return to the dugout first upon completion of the inning: Lowell, Manny or Jacoby. Manny would have been first but he stopped to light up a joint on his way back to the dugout.

Towards the end of the evening the betting degrades to determining the age of a random Cougar in a white Patriots jacket, about 15 rows in front of us. The ejected fan is encouraged by the bettors to ask her what her age is. (Please note this is not something that ejf would typically ask a woman; however, in the interests of this blog it had to be done.) As it turns out the Cougar was 54 years of age. Upon hearing this, one of the bettors in his mid-twenties shouts “I would take her home with me!”

Pete Rose would be proud of such speculation.

The Mad Clown
During the second inning of the ballgame, we encounter a fan who is blocking our view of the field. He would later be dubbed the Mad Clown due to his obnoxious joker-like laugh. After 2 minutes of viewing the mad clown's back, dubbschism shouts MOVE! Apparently this did not gain favor in this mad jester’s court.

Later in the game, the Mad Clown would get all hot and bothered by the talk of betting. He relays a story of his own about his own enjoyment of a good wager:

Mad Clown: HA HA HA HA HA! (Regarding HzMLS, ejf and dubb's bet)
HA HA HA HA HA!
HzMLS: HA HA HA HA HA!
Mad Clown: I went to the ultrasound of my 3rd child. HA HA HA HA HA!
And I tried to bet my father in law on whether he would be a boy or a girl. Cuz I’m a bettin' man….. HA HA HA HA HA!
He could’ve bet that he was a boy and won $500, but he is not a bettin’ man! HA HA HA HA HA!

<----MAD CLOWN

Notable Ejections:

• During the 3rd inning a blow-up doll lands in the ejected fan's lap. In a shameless attempt at Guerrilla marketing, the ejected fan takes his pen and writes the blog address for The Ejected Fan on this poor girl and bounces her down to next row. Later, security wraps a towel around her and escorts her off the premises. According to Sports Illustrated, Fenway Park ranks poorly with regards to promotions. Giving out free blow-up dolls clad only in red socks to the first 1000 fans would be a hit and could change SI’s perceptions. Fans would have a blast bouncing them around the bleachers. Girls Gone Wild could sponsor this. Larry Lucchino, if you a reading this, please take this under advisement.


• A guy runs on the field during Sweet Caroline. Security tackles the fan HARD. Fans in the bleachers look on in amazement. Chris Tucker yells, “You got knocked the fuck out!”

Who is Debbie Marsh?

After the game, we meet up with our old friend Jumpstreet at the Baseball Tavern. Jumpstreet and the ejected fan use our copy of Mad Libs as an ice breaker to start conversations with members of the opposite sex. One contestant on Mad Libs was turned on from her erotic verbalization of such words as pulsating and nipple clamps. During our Mad Libs tour, we are in dire need of a plural noun. We stop an older, heavyset, ostensibly intoxicated woman as she is meandering through the tavern and ask her for one. She stares blankly into the distance for a moment, then exclaims "Red Sox!!" dubbschism notes her Colorado Rockies earrings and asks, "why not the Rockies?" Amazed by his seemingly psychic ways, the woman turns to dubb with wide eyes and says, "That's my other team!" Jumpstreet asks the woman why she's in the baseball tavern.

Rockies Earing Lady: Oh this is a Northeastern graduation party. I'm Debbie Marsh's mom.
Jumpstreet: (seemingly understanding) Oh.
REL: Yeah that's why there are so many sorority girls here.
dubbschism: (clearly NOT understanding) who is Debbie Marsh?!?
REL: (points to drunk girl in corner) That's her in the corner!

So Debbie Marsh is a Northeastern graduate. This is just not as important to the writers of this blog as it is to Debbie Marsh's mom. However, what IS important to the writers of this blog is that about 45 minutes after our first encounter with Debbie Marsh's mom, Debbie Marsh's mom takes a drunken tumble and lands on dubbschism. I will leave it to dubb and Jumpstreet to facebook Debbie Marsh and regal her with embarrassing tales of her inebriated mother.

Notable Observations:

• James Shields is a Fantasy Stud. Does that sound gay?

• Jacoby Ellsbury has a new signature song as he comes to bat -“Cherub Rock” by Smashing Pumpkins. This choice by Jacoby could be due to the recent fame this song has received from Guitar Hero 3.

• There is a guy with an Intel backpack on. I ask HzMLS “Do you think he has Intel inside?” HzMLS responds, “No, just weed.”

• Regarding Rays Player Dioner Navarro, a fan asks “Is he related to Dave Navarro?”

• These Sox fans with turbans crafted from Red Sox promotional giveaway Sox blankets...

• There is a girl with an Insoxicated Shirt on. On this shirt one of symptoms is that you have the urge to eat sushi every fifth day. Our very own dubbschism is experiencing this same symptom almost daily. ejf has decided that he will need to have dubbschism’s mercury levels in his blood tested prior to being permitted to blog again.
• Stay Tuned May 17th for the Sox game against the Brew Crew… Also there may be an update on ejf’s position on Jon Lester.... Tina Cervasio's blonde replacement will also be the subject of a future post.

And what's this? He's pointing to the right-field bleachers, probably at a dying little boy.

It's time for your mandatory Miguel Tejada weekly update, folks! Much to dubb's displeasure, Tejada launched his 5th homer of the season on Friday night, and it turns out that he promised a young boy with muscular dystrophy that he would go deep. I've always been a semi-sucker for stories like this, but I'm sure the ejected fan is going to start crafting phony letters from fictional kids with serious illnesses and mail them to Tejada in hopes of winning his $20 bet. I say here's to you Miggy!

So I guess the ejected fan would be upset if I didn't recap the rest of my weekend, being that I went to all 3 Sox games vs. the Devil Rays, and although I probably won't be able to weave a tale as eloquent as HzMLS did, here goes:

Friday Night:


Saturday Night:
Our evening began with HzMLS and I stopping off at a watering hole near Fenway, where I promptly inhaled 2 rather strong (and rather expensive) adult beverages. They would prove to be helpful, as fellow fan EGD2 and myself were sitting in the CVS Family Section, aka the alcohol-free zone. Our particular section was patrolled by none other than Mr. Miyagi, who confiscated beers and roughed up hooligans. Needless to say, we saw many ejected fans. The ejf himself would have been jealous.

After the game, HzMLS and I went to a local karaoke bar that we often frequent to get absolutely top-tier sidewalk-puking obliterated. After a few more beverages, we begin to jot our blog addresses on a karaoke slip or 30, and leave them scattered around the bar. Then, after a riveting performance of a popular rap tune, HzMLS began shouting out "EJECTEDFAN.BLOGSPOT.COM" until the DJ's cut his mic and made us promise to not drive home. Big beats hit streets, see bloggers roamin'...


Sunday Afternoon:
After waking up with a trash can next to my bed and bits of Cracker Jacks stuck to my pants, I prepared for my final trek to America's Most Beloved Ballpark. I put on my alcohol-and-food-stained Red Sox sweatshirt that I had worn to the previous two games and got ready to go. The Sox hoodie was absolutely necessary no matter how dirty it was, because they had won the previous two games when I wore it, and yes, I am that superstitious. I didn't care that I looked incredibly homeless hungover.
The highlight of this game was the ever stereotypical Sox fan about 10 rows in front of us who frequently stood and screamed Let's Go SAWX! amongst other re-taahhhded things. We called him Sully from Quincy, although it could have easily been Smitty from Dorchester or Mikey from Southie.


All-in-all, the Sox are now 5-0 in games I attend, including 3-0 in games all 4 members of the EjF attend. So I assume all you loyal readers will want to take us to a game to ensure a Sox win, so hit us up!!

Semi-Irregular Miguel Tejada Home Run Update

today's date: April 23rd
Miggy's current HR total: 4
Miggy's projected HR total, should he keep up this pace: 31
likelihood that the ejected fan wins my $20 and spends it on a new hairdo from supercuts: 83%

I Have $20 Riding On This Man

Miguel Tejada - mvp, dynamic slugger, franchise face of the Baltimore Orioles, quickly deteriorating defensive genius, steroid user, 33-year old father of two.

the hits just keep on coming for Miggy. i hope that most of those hits stay in the ballpark, because i have a $20 bet with the ejected fan that Tejada does not send the ball over the fence 20 or more times this season. this may seem like a foolish bet (not nearly as foolish as the time ejected fan bet me $5 that i couldn't get 100% on "my name is jonas" whilst on level "easy" in Guitar Hero 3), but it is looking wiser and wiser by the minute. first, let's examine why you all probably think i'm a jackass for making that bet.

Tejada's HR totals the last 3 years:
2007: 18 in 133 games
2006: 24 in 162 games
2005: 26 in 162 games

right off the bat, notice that if Miggy was healthy enough last year to play 162, he'd have been projected to hit about 22 dingers. assuming a linear projection then, he might hit 20 this year, had he stayed in the AL east with the Orioles. alas! he moved to a notorious hitter's park at Houston's Minute Maid Park. so why wouldn't he hit at least 20?

dubbschism: i bet you $20 that Tejada doesn't hit 20 homers this year.
ejected fan: what? are you ducking* crazy?
dubbschism: yes.
ejected fan: dude, he's playing in Houston this year. in that ballpark? come on.
dubbschism: yes or no? will you bet?
ejected fan: dual* yes.

*for those of you unfamiliar with t9-style** swear words, here is an incomplete dictionary:
dual = fuck
shiv = shit
ducked = fucked
ducking = fucking
citag = bitch
...you get the idea. for extra fun, type in the word "coal" and then scroll through the word list.

**for those of you unfamiliar with t9, use the ducking internet.

okay! the only problem here with ejected fan's reasoning is that Minute Maid is not a HR park! its park factor for 2007 places it 14th in baseball. Camden Yards? 3rd place. based on a simple linear projection of Tejada's recent work and his move to Minute Maid, he'll hit 17 home runs - and that's if he plays 162 games. based on his history, he's a good bet to play 162, but with recent allegations, he probably won't. so far he has appeared in all 16 games the Astros have played.

of course when i made my bet, i figured Tejada was 31, not 33. (apparently, he's dug himself in a pit of fibs so deep he's not even sure how old he is supposed to be.) and i'll admit, i didn't realize how average MMP was for HR hitters, but i did have an inkling his HR total was padded slightly by the friendly confines of Camden Yards. i also have a feeling that Tejada is easily flustered (and given his reaction when E:60 correspondent Tom Farrey confronted him with his birth certificate, i guessed correctly) and the fallout of being named in the Mitchell report would affect him in some way. although to be fair, when future HOFer Rafael Palmeiro fingered Miggy as the cause of his own steroid allegations, Tejada shook it off and produced at his typical level the following season. but for all the teeth it lacks, fans are taking the Mitchell report much more seriously than whatever Palmeiro has to say. working against me is the fact that Tejada has 3 taters in 16 games, putting him on pace for 30. and we know how important those kinds of projections are.

on another note, i'm so ducking glad i'm not as big of an Astros fan as i used to be. Ed Wade is quickly approaching Brian Sabean level as far as GMing skills are concerned. dude trades the farm for Tejada and Jose Valverde, somehow convinced that they're going to contend in the NL central (worst or second-worst division in baseball, to be sure) without any pitching besides Oswalt. then, as if to say, "verily! i have no idea what running a baseball team entails!", he claims not to care that Tejada is actually two years older than he originally thought. my guess is he had no clue how old he was to begin with.