Friday, May 30, 2008

Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.


A Smarty Barrett and dubbschism collaboration:

DS: first off, let it be known that i could care less about the NBA. actually, i could care less about basketball in general. when i was a young’un, i was way into NCAA basketball but by the time i graduated high school and matriculated at Awesome University to major in Coolness, the crappy basketball team (the Awesome University Shitbirds) sucked to the tune of an 0-152 record my freshman year, so i kind of lost interest. buuuuuuuuuut in a tip of the cap to the gents at Fire Joe Morgan, the egregiousness of the following jumble of caca-ness from Jason Whitlock is just too much for us not to rip apart FJM-style.

SB: I have always been a huge basketball fan, and while not exactly a die-hard NBA nut, I do watch it closely enough to boast at least some moderate knowledge about the league. But one thing I am not a fan of is Jason Whitlock. Mainly because I seem to dislike everyone that likes him, for one reason or another. But his most recent column is just...well...wow.

In NBA playoffs, less ink means more viewers

DS: when i first read this title, i was thinking “less coverage in newspapers and other traditional print media.” boy, was i wrong. go on, read!

Over the next couple of weeks you'll hear lots of theories about why TV ratings are surging for the NBA playoffs.

SB: Theories? Aren't most of the reasons pretty obvious? And also, factual?

DS: ostensibly, Mr. Whitlock is going to explain these “conventional wisdom” type theories, then blow them out of the water with his own hair-brained theories which have no basis in reality. that’s always the kind of freakishness this type of topic sentence begets.

Of course it helps that large TV markets with storied franchises (Boston and Los Angeles) are still alive and favorites to make the NBA Finals. And, yes, it helps that the league's two most successful franchises over the last five years (San Antonio and Detroit) are competing against the Lakers and the Celtics.

SB: Yes. Yes these are all reasons. And I hate to be nit-picky, but these are facts. Boston is a very big sports market. When a team is competing from this city, the ratings are always very high.

The conference finals are littered with big stars, too. Kobe, Kevin Garnett, Tim Duncan, Paul Pierce, Tony Parker, Ray Allen, Manu Ginobili, Rasheed Wallace and all the rest could make up an all-star team that the rest of the league couldn't beat.

SB: Really? Ginobili? Big star? Other than that, I agree.

DS: those sound like good theories to me. also, the weather in the Boston market has been rather blah lately, not to mention gas prices are forcing everyone everywhere to stay at home and watch whatever is on television. but those theories are not hair-brained enough.

SB: Wait for it...wait for it...

Obviously, there are a lot of factors contributing to the ratings numbers that TNT, ESPN and ABC keep bragging about in nearly daily press releases.

SB: Yes, we get it. Lots of factors.

DS: uh-huh. he just listed a lot of them.

SB: Stars, big markets, historic teams...not really anything revealing here.

DS: i even helped him out with some other novel ideas that maybe he didn’t think of. what is he getting at?

The NBA has been experiencing a resurgence ever since the Suns traded for Shaquille O'Neal, the Lakers acquired Pau Gasol, the Mavericks got hoodwinked into snagging Jason Kidd and the Cavaliers picked up new spare parts for LeBron.

SB: Agree. This is as exciting as the NBA has been in a while. Also, some things he left out: The Celtics acquired KG and Ray Allen (arguably the biggest move of the last year, and maybe one of the biggest in recent NBA history...why no mention?). Kobe demanded a trade from the Lakers, and then led the aforementioned Lakers to the NBA Finals months later. The Western Conference was just absolutely ridiculously competitive this year. etc. etc. etc...

DS: when i read the last part of that sentence, i thought “the Cavs did NOT trade LeBron James for spare parts,” which is exactly what it sounds like in this context. did anyone else think that’s what he was trying to say? no? okay. guess i’m just a dummy.

SB: Can he just get to the point already? Cuz I get the feeling it's going to be a crazy one!

But there's one issue driving improved ratings that likely won't be touched by all the NBA talking heads on TNT and ESPN.

DS: what about ABC? he mentioned them before. why not mention them here? i mean, if he's going for some sort of parallel device to the paragraph above (and i’m pretty sure that’s what he's doing), wouldn’t he at least re-cite the same three television networks?

SB: Here it comes...

Tattoos. Or rather the lack of tattoos in the conference finals.

SB: Bam. Boom. Whap. Shlorp. Bomb dropped.

DS: tattoos. tattoos? tattoos. really? i mean, lack of tatoos. lack of tattoos? lack of tattoos. really? you might have a valid point, Mr. Whitlock, because one of the reasons that i forgot to mention above why i don’t really enjoy basketball is how much i hate tattoos. which makes me wonder why i ever got one myself.

also, i just want to mention that if you CTRL+C’d and CTRL+V’d those two “sentences” into Microsoft Word, they would have green squiggly lines under them, because they are fragments.


SB: Tattoos, folks. TATTOOS!!! Let's read on.

Part of the reason more people are watching these playoffs is because the average fan isn't constantly repulsed by the appearance of most of the players on the court. Most of the key players left in the playoffs don't look like recent prison parolees.

SB: Sweet Jebus, I can't even begin to break down all of the things wrong with this statement. He's implying that the average NBA viewer is so repulsed by tattoos on players that he/she recoils in horror and changes the channel? Do you, Mr. Whitlock, think that people - actual everyday NBA watching people - take tattoos into consideration before decided whether or not to tune in? How ridiculous does that sound?

DS: also i’m not really sure what the function of the word “recent” is here, since tattoos are kind of, ya know, permanent. also, it’s estimated that 16% of all Americans have at least one tattoo. 36% of those 25-29 years old have at least one, and 28% of those 30-39 years old have at least one. and since the average NBA fan is between 18 and 34 years of age, i’m gonna go out on a limb and say it: nobody fucking cares.

SB: Also, let's count the stereotypes while we're at it. So far 1. All tattoos are repulsive. 2. People with tattoos look like/are recent prison parolees. That last one makes him sounds 80 years old. This man has many tattoos. Does he look like a "recent prison parolee" to you?

The only accurate way to describe Garnett, Pierce, Duncan, Allen, Manu, Parker and even Kobe is "clean cut."

DS: your clean cut manu ginobili:




Yeah, there are a couple of tattoos in that group — Duncan has something on his back, Kobe still has his post-rape-allegation tat — but the Lakers, Spurs and Celtics have far less ink on average than your typical NBA franchise.

DS: 1. he is contradicting himself,

2. is Kobe’s tattoo real or metaphorical? even so, wouldn’t a rape allegation make one less likely to watch an athlete perform than his personal body artwork?

SB: Let's face it. Using amount of tattoos to judge a person is incredibly shortsighted, stereotypical, and moronic.


Allen Iverson and Carmelo Anthony have more tats on their hands than the entire Spurs roster.

DS: um, the Denver Nuggets were in the playoffs this year, so that sort of blows up this dingbat's whole argument.

SB: I think he's only talking about the teams still left. Although on that note it makes me wonder...what would this article look like if Denver was still in it? Would there be no article at all? Or would it be a "there are three great teams and one team of murderous thug jerks!" kind of deal?

DS: ok, even if he's only talking about teams left, there's still this:

average TV market ranking of last year’s Conference Final teams: 20.75.
average TV market ranking of this year’s Conference Final teams: 14.25.

face it Whitlock, you're wrong.

I know many of you probably think the number of tattoos doesn't influence viewing habits.

SB: *raises hand*

You're wrong.

DS: hey Whitlock, i just said that you were wrong! you can’t just say it back to me.

Like everything else televised, appearances matter. There's a reason you don't see nude scenes in movies with fat people. Trust me, fat people have sex. It's just no one wants to see it. Not even fat people.

SB: Um, OK. Wow. Is this really all the proof he has? Fat people? This has ZERO correlation to his original point! Also, gross.



DS: this is the slim and slender Jason Whitlock, not picturing himself having sex with anyone.

No one wants to watch Delonte West or Larry Hughes play basketball.

SB: I do. I like to watch basketball, and these guys are pretty good at it.

It's uncomfortable and disconcerting. You don't want your kids to see it. You don't want your kids to think they should decorate their neck, arms, hands, chest and legs in paint.

SB: Still counting those stereotypes? 3. People with tattoos are uncomfortable to look at. Hell, you don't even want your kids to see them! Do you have kids, Mr. Whitlock? Because I just now thought of a fat person (you) having sex. And it was worse than seeing someone with a Chinese symbol on their ankle. Trust me.

You don't want to waste time explaining to your kids that some millionaire athletes have so little genuine self-confidence that they find it necessary to cover themselves in tattoos as a way to mask their insecurities.

SB: 4. Everyone with a tattoo is insecure. I mean seriously, what is wrong with this man?

You just want to watch basketball and feel like you're watching people you can relate to a little bit, people you somewhat respect.

SB: 5. One cannot relate to or respect anyone with a tattoo. Yikes, I'm no psychiatrist but this man has some crazy-ass phobias.

We finally have that again on the NBA's biggest stage, and everyone can see it because the league's substance isn't covered in a barrel of tattoo ink.

SB: This is one of the worst metaphors I have ever read.

David Stern has been arguing that the NBA is the best book. Ever since Ron Artest went into the stands, Stern has been slowly changing the cover of his book. The dress code and the age limit have helped. The midseason trades helped. Garnett's donning of a Celtics jersey really helped.

DS: i’m not sure what this whole “book” thing is that Whitlock is talking about, because per my disclaimer at the get-go, i don’t pay a lot of attention to the NBA. is it actually something Stern talked about? or is it just another very bad metaphor? can someone enlighten me? this search illuminated nothing. but i wonder if the book has "ink" on it's cover?

also, what do the midseason trades have to do with improving the image of the NBA? seriously, Whitlock is so off his rocker at this point that i don’t even feel like this piecemeal refutation of his lunacy is even necessary. it really just speaks for itself.

SB: Do I need to mention that as commissioner David Stern has little or nothing to do with the quality or quantity of trades in the league? No? OK, good.

Kobe's maturity and ascension to Jordan's throne has probably been the most important development. Kobe is everything the league wants LeBron James to be.

SB: An alleged rapist?

Sorry, had to.


But don't underestimate how much having a visually pleasing product to look at has benefitted
[sic] the league at conference finals time.

DS: i won’t underestimate it, as long as he doesn't underestimate the powerful therapeutic effects that the new “atypical” neuroleptic drugs can have for people suffering from episodes of psychosis. (caution: side effects may include dysphoria, increased risk of stroke, and irreversible tardive dyskinesia.)

It's a television show. Pleasant smiles, non-threatening people sell products better than menacing, tattooed brutes.

DS: agreed. fair enough. because we are talking about a sales team here, and not world-class athletes whose goal is to win as many games for their team as possible, a goal which of course is predicated entirely on how much subcutaneous ink they don’t have.

SB: (whispered) No we're not.

DS: WE'RE NOT?!?!

If I was [sic] David Stern, I'd commission Nike and/or Under Armor [sic] to create a basketball jersey with long sleeves, all the way down to the wrists.

SB: Hmm...I like it. Except, umm...he kind of has ALREADY BANNED ALMOST THE SAME THING! I forget what page of "the book" this is on.

DS: hey, don't forget, if this did go down Iverson and Anthony would also have to wear gloves.

I'd make Iverson wear a turtleneck jersey with sleeves. I'd cover the tats.

SB: Once again, he kind of already wears the same thing! On one arm, at least...

Do you think Sports Illustrated would let its swimsuit models cover themselves in tattoos? Models are paid to look good. Athletes are no different from models. Everyone accepts that female basketball players — when possible — are pushed to showcase their feminine beauty.

SB: Wow. Not the same thing. Not even close to the same thing. Models are paid based on their appearance. Basketball players are paid to play basketball. What doesn't he get about this??

DS: this paragraph itself needs to start taking antipsychotic drugs. fo realz. first of all, Sports Illustrated DID let its models cover themselves in tattoos. sorta kinda, anyway.

second of all, tell me the correct answer to this analogy:

athletes: models:: Jason Whitlocks:

A. Anti-religious rabble rousers

B. Apocalyptic zebras

C. Bakers who use splenda instead of sugar

D. Sportswriters who need to be committed to a mental institution

if you chose D (which is wrong), then you also believe that athletes are no different than models. which means you probably don’t have Randy Johnson on your fantasy team. (the correct answer is C, by the way.)

finally, what the dual is the deal with that last sentence? let me repeat it, in case your brain short-circuited the first time you read it.

Everyone accepts that female basketball players — when possible — are pushed to showcase their feminine beauty.

SB: "When possible"? Is this an attempt at a joke? That's kind of mean.

DS: "when possible" as in only when the female basketball player involved isn’t a 6’5” Amazon completely devoid of feminine beauty? or as in when they’re off the court and all dolled up with makeup and a miniskirt? whatever Whitlock is trying to say here, i think his arrow missed the mark and instead he’s hit the bull’s-eye of "over the line chauvinism."

It's unfortunate that too many young athletes are too unenlightened to approach the game like a business. They resist almost all ideas that would put more money in their pockets. They have to be forced to do the little things that would help them make more money.

DS: next article Jason Whitlock is going to write: Why Nobody Will Talk About Why College Athletes Should All Major in Marketing and Should Convert to Jehova’s Witnesses and Not Get Tattoos.
also, i like to picture Carmelo Anthony and Allen Iverson sitting together at the tattoo studio, and Carmelo turns to Iverson and says “Man, if we could only make more money. Then we’d be set.”

Growing NBA ratings is what's best for the players in the long term. Adopting a non-prison-ready appearance would help everyone in the league earn more money.

SB: As opposed to the prison-ready appearance of a player with a tattoo.

But no one will talk about it.

DS: except for you, Jason Whitlock, with your “edgy and thought-provoking style.” an edge as sharp as a tattoo needle, and a style as fad-erific as tramp stamps.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Rasheed Wallace: Abominable Snow Monster?


During last night's Celtics playoff game the Ejected fan had a bit of a revelation. Detroit Piston, Rasheed Wallace resembles the Abominable Snow Monster from the claymation version of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. Wallace is an overacting ass. Maybe after the playoffs are over, Santa Claus can employ this bumble to put the star on top of the gigantic Christmas tree. GO CELTICS!!

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Ozzie Guillen: Faithful Countryman, Unscrupulous Comedian

as you may or may not know, former Sox spot starter Geremi Gonzalez was struck and killed by lightning while in his home country of Venezuela. he was only 33. not to be insensitive or anything, but i didn't know the guy and he never really did anything to endear himself to Red Sox fans in his short tenure in Boston, so the sadness of the situation is sort of overshadowed by the freakishness of the situation. i mean, if causes of death in Venezuela were like events in a baseball game, getting struck by lightning would be like catcher's interference. (a botched carjacking would be like a groundout to SS, and getting whacked in a State-sponsored American sympathizer eradication would be like a backwards K. choking on a pecan shell would be like a 3-6-2 double play.) it's just not how you'd expect someone in Venezuela to die.

now, for some reason (part of a Venezuelan baseball theme? i really have no idea.) foxsports.com asked uber-crank Ozzie Guillen to weigh in on the tragedy. and Ozzie, never missing an opportunity to be as uncouth as a drunk fat chick who insists on being in a wet t-shirt contest, has this to say: "A lot of people are going to be shocked."

what. a. dick.

one thing a lot of people won't be shocked about is when the White Sox finish in fourth place in the AL Central with a team OBP of .211.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Who Is Heidi Watney?

Well, since you asked...

Heidi Watney is the wicked hot new Sox reporter replacement for Tina Cervasio.

Here is what we know about Heidi so far: 
According to our friends at Red Sox Monster, she was let go from a FOX affiliate station in California for undisclosed reasons. I will not go into any rumors here. She was a sports reporter with Fox in San Fran. who followed last years Barry Bonds home run chase. Apparently, her agent came across the NESN spot and let her know about the opportunity here in Boston. She has been in the position for a few weeks and has done a pretty decent job. I am not sure exactly how much she knows about sports, but she is certainly more than mid-inning eye candy.
Yesterday I had the opportunity to chat live with Heidi Watney with about 40 other Sox fans over the interweb.

Here are the questions I asked:

ejectedfan (12:20): What would you define as the greatest sports moment of all time?
Heidi Watney (12:21): Right now, I'm still thinking about the Jon Lester no-hitter. There are so many great moments in sports it's really hard to pick one, but I really got caught up in the Red Sox run to the 2004 World Series, because of everything the franchise has been through. It was really special to witness history.

ejectedfan (12:25): Who is your favorite baseball player of all time?
Heidi Watney (12:26): Trevor Hoffman. He is a very nice, philanthropic man. And one of the greatest closers of all time. His class on the field and in the community is something everyone can admire.

ejectedfan (12:49): What band would you like to see play Fenway Park?
Heidi Watney (12:50): I like all kinds of music, but I really like Daughtry right now -- really I'd go see just about anyone!

This should give you a little bit of insight into Heidi. I am not really sure about her taste in music. Daughtry? Please. You can't lump American Idol into music you like, but it seems like the PC answer. Here is what else we know about Heidi: She was Miss San Diego. She graduated from university of San Diego in 2003. She is single, but claims to be "married to her job". Her cousin is professional golfer Nick Watney. Her father Mike coaches golf for Fresno State. She grew up rooting for the San Francisco Giants and is frustrated with the perfomance of Barry Zito as of late. Heidi participated in gymnastics, diving and cheer squad growing up, but claims to be uncoordinated. She enjoys being active and walking her dog, which she had to leave behind in California.

I think Watney is a great addtion to the NESN team and I look forward to seeing Heidi in Sox games for years to come. I think she has a stellar career ahead of her.

You can read the entire transcript from the chat on NESN.com.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

All the girls standing in the line for the bathroom!

Smarty Barrett will occasionally blog outside of the common theme of baseball here at The Ejected Fan. Some of his off-topic discussions may include the NBA, the NFL, college basketball, reviews of the latest gangsta rap albums, and recaps from last night's episode of "America's Next Top Model." This is one of those times.

So a few weeks back, HzMLS and I purchased tickets to The Glow in the Dark Tour at the Tweeter Center in Mansfield, MA. We were excited to see some of our favorite hip-hop acts, including Lupe Fiasco, N*E*R*D, and Kanye West. What follows is the legendary tale of that night in its entirety, with no details omitted.

The show started at 6:30. HzMLS and I arrived around 6:45 and moved towards the gates. We quickly took notice of the demographic of the crowd: all high school kids. At best, several of them had just graduated, fresh off the broken condom incidents of prom night and ready to enjoy the 3 or so Kanye songs they've heard on Mix 98.5. Now HzMLS and I are 26 and 25 respectively, so it was pretty easy for us to stand out. It became even easier when HzMLS purchased two beers upon us entering the venue. As we made our way onto the lawn to enjoy Lupe Fiasco, a theme for the night began to develop: kids were going to ask us to buy them beer. We were taken off-guard by the requests at first, and started off by just politely declining. But the requests kept coming. Which got the wheels in our heads turning: how can we turn these kids down? It started innocently. Denying that we were 21, telling them I was HzMLS's dad and I had procured the alcohol, pretending to not speak English, etc. Approximately 90% of the people who asked us for beers were female, a fact not lost on a single man such as myself. We began to start entertaining some offers more seriously, depending on the attractiveness of the female. We were offered $20 to purchase just one beer (beers were $8) and we still said no, although I had to think about it a lot. After HzMLS moved on to beers three and four, he started to get more creative. His first method was to tell a prospective buyer that he is a police officer and he would pretend like he didn't hear her request if she disappeared from his sight. Needless to say, we seriously freaked out a 16-year old girl. At the point, N*E*R*D was on stage and they were rocking. HzMLS began to display his beers prominently to attract prospective customers. His next move would go down in history. Five females approached us. Two were attractive (one very much so) and the other three...not so much. Anyway, my brain starts working as to how to arrange a "make-out-with-me-and-I'll-buy-you-beer" proposition. Even if these girls were 16, it would not be uncharted territory. And because of the existence of Ms.HzMLS (not to be confused with futuremrsrickankiel), I could work my game freely without the threat of competition. As my conscience began to dig at me, HzMLS dropped this gem:

Girl: Will you buy us beer?
HzMLS: How much will you pay us?
Girl: I don't know, like 10 bucks?
HzMLS: Forget it. We've been offered 20 tonight.
Girl: Fine. (Starts to walk away)
HzMLS: Hey!
Girl: (turns back)
HzMLS: Do you know who Al Capone is?
Girl: (quietly) Yes...
HzMLS: Do you know how much he charged for beer?

At this point I was almost in tears from laughing so hard. The girl screamed something about prohibition and stormed off. Toying with these kids was superseding the excitement of the concert itself. Rhianna was on at this point, and after realizing she was wearing more clothing than we would have hoped, HzMLS and I returned to our side-project of the evening. With HzMLS having beers five and six in his clutches, we are re-approached by a few females who were bugging us earlier in the night. By the looks of it, they seem to have acquired a few beverages elsewhere and have become much more persistent. They begin flashing their IDs maintaining that they are 20 years old and will be 21 very soon, so it's not so bad to buy them beer. I start to become persuaded until one of them lets it slip that junior prom was super-rad a few weeks back. Frustrated, one of the girls begins to grab at HzMLS's beers. As he tries to squirm away, I make a desperation move to save him. I inform the girls that if they correctly guess both of our ages, I will procure beers for them. She points to me and guesses 21 and the wager is over (She guessed 22 for HzMLS for those wondering). After the girls depart, I walk with HzMLS to the concourse. I plan to purchase a shirt, and HzMLS grabs beers seven and eight. On the way there, I find a stray ID of a 20-year old girl on the ground and pocket it. Once we return to our spots, Rhianna is almost done and I realize I should probably take what I can get (this is how I often end nights of drinking...but I digress). Two females approach and offer $20 for two beers. I accept and purchase them, pocketing $4, a modest fee in the process. As soon as they grab the beers from me, they disappear in a cloud of dust. Soon after, Kayne comes out, and just rocks his set. The beer stands are closed, so HzMLS and I soak in the awesomeness of a true hip-hop icon. As he is wrapping up, HzMLS notices a throwback Brewers fitted on a blanket, with a crew of four or so people standing in front of it. He snatches up the hat and tucks it under his shirt. Because of his intoxication, he is not very discreet at all, and I have to coach him into pulling off this theft properly. We duck out as Kanye is finishing his set and rush to my car, Brewers hat in tow. At the exit, a woman is handing out promotional stickers of some kind. HzMLS grabs a stack from her, and we proceed to slap them on cars in the parking lot on our way to our vehicle. As the beats pumped from my speakers on our way out of the crowded parking lot, two words resonated in my head about the night we had just experienced....:

Blog It.

Ryan Braun, this Bud’s for you! Sox Sweep Brewers: Game 1 of Doubleheader
Game Report, 5/17/08 vs. Milwaukee Brewers

I want to start off by saying thank you to Ryan Braun for an awesome weekend against the Sox and incredible week overall for that matter. Braun helped propel one of my fantasy baseball teams into first place. Last week Braun hit .345 with 6 home runs and 10 RBI. Braun deserves every cent of his newly signed $45 million dollar contract. He was the NL Rookie of the Year last year and recently became the youngest player to reach 40 home runs. Last year he hit 35 homers in just 112 games. Thanks to interleague play, Sox fans got the opportunity to see this phenom perform early in his career. Braun is capable of doing some great things in his career. After the series against the Sox, Braun was quoted as saying that the Brewers did not expect to win in Boston. He also stated that their mental approach to the game needed to improve. An interesting fact that I came across about Braun is that this Brewers' mother is an actual brewer for Budweiser. It’s not Miller but still interesting tidbit.

I have always liked the Brewers. They had some hard nosed teams in the 80’s with the likes of All Stars: Rollie Fingers, Robin Yount, Paul Molitor and Cecil Cooper. They had some cool uniforms in the 80’s and they played in the AL East against the Sox on a regular basis. They have never won a World Series. I am drawn to teams like the Brewers, Nationals (Expos) and Mariners who have yet to win a championship. I was looking forward to this series against the Brew Crew.

Last night got rained out forcing the doubleheader today. It was a beautiful afternoon at America’s most beloved ballpark. dubbschism and Mudville were extremely late to today’s ball game. After Ortiz’s 3 run homer in the second inning, I descended from my standing room spot on top of the Pavilion down 10 ramp levels to Yawkey Way to deliver their tickets. This epic journey to deliver tardy fans their tickets was not a fun experience.


Debbie Downer
The last time I had Pavilion standing room, I was ejected from the ballpark. I am not sure if it is the atmosphere in the section or what, but the fans up here seem to have some serious emotional issues. During the fifth inning, I busted out my handy copy
of Mad Libs. In my search for applicable words, I came across a fan I have named Debbie Downer who was clearly bothered by Mad Libs. She states that she finds Mad Libs annoying. Debate ensues. I ask her “Is it the nouns, verbs, adverbs or adjectives?” She retorts, “Don’t get me started!” I have heard a lot of reactions to Mad Libs, but this was the first person that I discovered who was clearly annoyed. Debbie Downer would later participate in a 40+ year old bizzare circle dance. I found these strange dances and this fan’s attitude annoying.

Pink Shirt Fan
There is a guy who was part of a bachelor party who decided to wear a pink David Ortiz shirt that he is encouraging other fans to scribble on. I overhear him in the beer line that he is not actual the bachelor, but a friend of the bachelor. Basically he is overshadowing the guy who’s bachelor party it is. He makes his introduction to Mudville by kicking a beer cup in her general direction. Mudvilles retorts, "Jesus Fucking Christ." Apparently, he did not expect to elicit this response. Later in the evening I am dared to write I HATE FAGS! on Pink Shirt Fan’s shirt. dubbschism 1-ups me by writing “Felatio is for Virgins” on the guys shirt. Prior to us inscribing upon P.S.F’s shirt, he says "Please, no profanities."

A Foul Ball
About halfway through the game a foul is struck behind home plate in the hotel parking lot behind Van Ness Street under an ancient Chevy Lumina. dubbschism and I decide that after the game we will try to locate this baseball. After the game we locate the Chevy Lumina and there is no baseball to be found. Apparently someone was able to scoop the ball up before we got there. We were under the impression that it would be a difficult find unless you were on the street or in our location looking down on the steet, but that was not the case. I took notes as to the location of the baseball. Looking back my writing appears to be slurred.

Random Observations and Happenings

  • If you buy a program for today’s game, you receive a “Gagne is a Yankee Spy” sticker. Gagne did not play during the entire Red Sox series. This guy should go back on HGH. It doesn’t just make you ugly.
  • In a reference to Brewers pitcher outfielder Corey Hart, dubbschism states, “Ejected Fan wears his sunglasses at night.”

  • There is a dimpled chad on EGD2’s All Star ballot. We are not sure if the 3rd NL Outfielder is Brian Giles or Kosuke Fukudome.

  • Off-Track Betting: We have a bet on who will get the first put out of the inning. I pick Youkilis, dubb picks Jacoby Ellsbury and EGD2 picks Papelbon who is not even in the game. The ball is popped up to Ellsbury. Mudville follows a bird in flight, not the baseball.

  • Rescue 911 at Little Steve’s Pizza: Hungry after the game, we head into Little Steve’s Pizza on Boylston Street. There is a Rescue 911 pinball machine based on the hit show from the 80’s. It includes real sound effects from William Shatner. Eerily, Shatner’s voice bellows “AIDS is Real”. This pinball machine got the most action since 1989.


I apologize for the brevity. There was a scarcity of real blogworthy material. Stay tuned for EjF’s expose on new Sox reporter Heidi Watney. Also stay tuned in late June for our concert series blog on the great American band Pearl Jam.

The No-No Song

So I have another bigger post coming, but first I feel like I have to address a certain local baseball event that occurred last night.  Seems as if almost as soon as I said Lester should spend some time in the minors to work on his control, he has been just absolutely dominating, culminating in last night's no-hitter.  I'm certainly fully prepared to admit I was wrong, and while we all are aware of the dangers of a small sample size, there were many things I saw last night that were very encouraging.

The first and biggest one being that, as far as I could tell, wherever Tek put the glove, Lester hit it.  He wanted the cutter inside, it was inside.  Curves in the dirt, fastballs away, Les was hitting every spot.  Period.  It's that kind of control that I wish we saw more of, and we saw it top to bottom, pitch after pitch last night.  Truly masterful.

The second was that Lester was getting swings and misses, which is huge. Eight strikeouts on the night and all the while maintaining his velocity all the way through was a huge key.  He's not exactly a power pitcher, but he was able to keep the hitters off-balance just enough last night by mixing up his stuff.

The final encouraging factor is that maybe all of us Sox fans have underestimated how much of a toll Lester's cancer took on him.  I know I was quick to assume that if he's back in a uniform, he must be 100%.  Maybe he's still working his way back.  Maybe he hasn't reached his peak yet. If that's the case, I may be expecting some crotch-shots from the ejected fan.

Also, as a side note, can Yankee fans please finally give up the
HUGHES + KENNEDY >>>> LESTER + BUCHHOLZ!!!!!11111!!!oneoneone
Anyone who still thinks that is going to get laughed at by even the most common of baseball fans.

And side note #2: Your editors here at the EjF are now the proud sponsors of Bartolo Colon's Baseball Reference page.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Semi-Irregular Jon Lester First Ballot HOF Update: Jon Lester NO HITTER!


Lester threw a no hitter!

Enough said.

This is number one of many.

Smarty Barrett will be kicked in the nuts in 20 years...

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Semi-Irregular Miguel Tejada Home Run Update

today's date: the Ides of May
Miggy's current HR total: 5
Miggy's projected HR total, should he keep up this pace: 20 (!!!!!)
probability that the ejected fan wins my $20 and spends it on overpriced Sambvca nips from the Regal Beagle so he can get plastered on the T before he even gets to Fenway: 12%


Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Fun with T9


1. Take out your cell phone.

2. Make sure the text message settings are on T9.

3. Create new text.

4. Type the word "Roids."

5. Enjoy the coincidence.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Red Sox vs. Twins, May 11, 2008 *LIVE BLOG*

Hey all, SB here fresh from a Mothers Day dinner bringing you a live blog of tonight's game. No Manny in the lineup according to Jon Miller. Here's the rest of the lineups:

Red Sox
1. Jacoby Ellsbury LF
2. Dustin Pedroia 2B
3. David Ortiz DH
4. Kevin Youkilis 1B
5. Mike Lowell 3B
6. J.D. Drew RF
7. Coco Crisp CF
8. Kevin Cash C
9. Alex Cora SS


Twins
1. Carlos Gomez CF
2. Matt Tolbert 2B
3. Joe Mauer C
4. Justin Morneau 1B
5. Michael Cuddyer RF
6. Craig Monroe DH
7. Delmon Young LF
8. Mike Lamb 3B
9. Adam Everett SS

P Nick Blackburn

Let's do this....

Top 1
Players are rockin' the pink sweat bands for Mother's Day. Jacoby's got the pink bat as well. Ellsbury swings at the first pitch of the game and grounds to second. Let's see what Pedroia can do with his regular black bat. He can single to center after an 8-pitch at bat. 1 on for Ortiz. And he follows it up with a single of his own, right through the shift! Big Papi cares not for your shift. He says fuck shifts. Now the red-hot Yooooouuuuuuuk is up. And he whiffs on a heater. Fuck. 2 down for Lowell. And another audible screaming of "FUCK!" from Youk captured on live TV. A few weeks ago it was on NESN, now ESPN. Awesome. And Lowell K's as well. FUCK!

Bottom 1
I am dying to hear Joe Morgan comment on the knuckleball. Gomez grounds to Cora for out number one. Back to Morgan...I fully expect him to label a pitch a "knuckle-cutter" or say "what was that pitch??" Matt Tolbert up. Also, who is Matt Tolbert? He's a switch-hitter, apparently. Miller and Morgan won't comment on this, but most switch hitters bat righty against Wakey. Not Tolbert. And he flies to center. Here's Mauer. Much more pink bats this year I'm noticing. Mauer cranks one to center, but Coco tracks it down. Showcase game! 1-2-3 inning for Timm-ayyy.

Top 2
Joe Morgan hasn't really said anything stupid yet. You're letting me down, Joe! Drew swings at the first pitch too, jeez. Grounds to 2nd, 1 down. And Coco flies to center for out #2. Morgan is waxing poetic about Tito. And now they show Jacoby applying some eyedrops for some reason. Cash singles to right. Almost bounces over Cuddyer's head too. Gotta love artificial surface. And by love, I mean it's fucking awful. Cora with his first AB since coming off the DL. And he grounds to the mound. Hey, maybe I won't be tired for work tomorrow after all...this game is flying.

Bottom 2
Morneau singles. I wish I had seen it, but ESPN came back from the break late. That is a super pet peeve of mine. Also, Miller pronounces Morneau's name weird! Isn't it More-NO, not MOR-no? Weird. Cuddyer cranks one down the LF line for a double. 2nd and 3rd no one out. Joe Morgan is saying something stupid. I wish I could explain it, but I have no idea what he's talking about. Rest assured, it was stupid. Joe Morgan is now explaining how infielders align based on if there is a right-handed batter versus a left-handed batter. Wow. Aaaand double wow. Monroe cranks a 3-run bomb to deep left. 3-0 Twinkies. To quote Kevin Youkilis...FUCK! Delmon grounds to 3rd. A lot a lot a lot of these pitches from Wakey are up in the zone. Not a good sign. And he walks Lamb with a high pitch. And Adam Everett blisters one to left. Ellsbury leaps and can't snag it. 2-run bomb, 5-0 Twins. Fuckin' hell Wakefield. This game is over before it started practically. "Ellsworth gave that a good try," according to Joe Morgan. Nice work, jackass. And now Gomez singles as the bullpen gets busy. Bat Shit getting loose. And Gomez steals second. This game is pretty much highlighting EVERYTHING that drives me nuts about Tim Wakefield. I love the guy, but games like this are just painful. And you can expect about 5 or so of them a year. Tools Tolbert for the K on a sick (and rare) curveball. 2 gone. Joe Morgan is talking about a knuckleball versus a curveball. What. the. fuck. is he talking about. Some babble about Joe Neikro, I have no idea. They should just put a dude with senility in the booth, it would be almost the same. He keeps commenting that baseball is unpredictable. Like over and over and over. It's the second inning, and you know you're gonna hear it like 10 more times. Mauer flies to center to end the horror show that was the bottom of the 2nd. 5-0 Twins after 2.

Top 3
Still plenty of time here, fellas. I'd really like to see the Sox start taking a few more pitches though. Ellsbury squares to bunt and gets drilled on the..foot? No, the left knee. And he's down on the ground, hopefully not hurt. And after a bit he says he's OK and goes down to first. Weird play. He kind of came out of the box, he also may have offered at the pitch. Oh well, runner on first. And now Pedroia gets drilled right in the back! Craziness. Right between the 1 and the 5. As long as no one is getting hurt, we'll take it. Also, Morgan was just talking about the greatest bunter of his day, and maybe the greatest bunter ever! Surprisingly it was not Dave Concepcion (It was Rod Carew for inquiring minds). Both home runs were hit with pink bats, Jon Miller says. And now Ortiz hits a sinking liner to right that Cuddyer catches, then drops! Right against the ground, kind of went in and out of his glove, hard hit ball, and now the sacks are drunk with no outs. Very very very weird inning thus far. Now Youkie up. Let's make this a game again! And Youk lines out to 3rd, Lamb makes a great diving catch. Thankfully no one was doubled off. That was a rocket too. Damn. Lowell up, and by the time I typed it, it's already 0-2. They cannot blow this opportunity and come out of this with no runs. Lowell works it to 3-2, and then hits a soft line-out to right, and Ellsbury scores to make it 5-1 Twins. Great throw from Cuddyer, not many dudes would have scored on that, but Ellsbury has some wheels. Also, I love Jon Miller's "safe" call. If I were to write it out phonetically, it would be something like this: "SWWWHUUEEEEUUEAAAAAA!" Basically imagine the sound a 90-year old man with emphysema would make if you jumped on his chest. And Drew lines out softly to short. Fuck. Only 1 run after loading em up with no outs. 5-1 Twins.

Bottom 3
MOR-no singles to center, and we miss it again. Fuck you, ESPN. Hoo-le-ON Tavarez warming, according to Miller. How about JOO-lee-in? No? Whatever you want, Jon Miller. And Wakey tools Cuddyer with a knuckler for the K, one down. And now a passed ball gets MOR-no to second. And Miller is lobbying for an exception on passed balls for knuckleball pitchers. A knuckle passed ball? Is he really suggesting a rule change? Man, how is Miller pissing me off more than Morgan tonight? Monroe ground to 3rd, no advance for MOR-no, 2 gone. Here's Delmon. And now a wild pitch on ball four gets MOR-no to 3rd, and of course Young down to first. Corners, 2 down for Lamb. And now a passed ball gets Young to second, but MOR-no stays at 3rd. Morgan claims Francona stood up as if he was going to pull Cash from the game. What? And then he says a pitch can't be a wild pitch if it doesn't bounce. Wow. Just....Wow. And now a nice stop by Cash on a knuckler. Oh my fucking god this wild pitch/passed ball/knuckleball discussion is going to drive me to eat gluten. And a single from Lamb gets 2 more runs in...7-1 Twins. And that's it for Wakefield. Also, I guess Morgan was saying that Tito was going to go out and get Wakefield, not Cash. In the middle of an AB? Really? Oh well, this game is fucked. Here comes Hoo-lee-ON. Read a media guide Miller, you fuck. The swears and frustration are going to start flying now, it's 7-1 and I'm pissed. My first live blog already going to shit. It's JOO-lee-an you miserable old fuck! And Everett flies out deep to left to end this painful inning. 7-1 Twins after 3.

Top 4
99% of America and 95% of Red Sox Nation has changed the channel by now! Awesome. I may suspend this early, depending on how out of hand it gets. I don't want to be labeled the "bad-luck live-blogger of The Ejected Fan." Plus, I don't like that many hyphenated terms. Coco leading off here. And he starts it with a triple, very nice. A liner to left that takes a big turf hop over Delmon's head. Damn he is fast. And now Cash singles him home and it's 7-2 Twins. Well they get one run back rather quickly, eh? Also, Cash >>> Mirabelli. And now Cora singles to center! OK, let's keep this going. Jack-a-bee time. No, Miller didn't say that. But I think it sounds cool. And Ellsbury lines out to Delmon for out #1. Here comes Dusty. And he hits a grounder to short. To second for one, but the throw to first is wild and Cash scores making it 7-3! Pedroia to second. Miller just called Pedroia "fleet of foot." Um, no. Runner on 2nd two down for Papi. And he walks for Youk. He could make this a game again rrrreeeallly quickly. And he rips one to 3rd that eats up Lamb! Pedroia scores from second on a nice slide, and it's 7-4. And first and second again for Lowell. Lowell is working a nice AB here...but then whiffs. Sox get 3 back though, and this is a game again. 7-4 Twins.

Bottom 4
This is not how this game started at all. Was shaping up to be a pitcher's fuck duel, at least through the first inning and a half, but now it looks like this is gonna come down to the bullpens. Sox are already into theirs, and the Twins are gonna be in theirs rather soon I think. Hilarious moment during the Francona interview...Ortiz is posing behind him, and Tito catches him and says he'll kick his ass. I love this team. Tavarez dealing with the top here and Gomez. And Joolz catches him looking. Nice pitch, one down. Tolbert with a soft tapper to the mound. Tavarez doesn't roll it to first, but looks like he thought about it. 2 outs. Tavarez's stuff looks good in the early going. A lot of movement and sink on his pitches. I was just about to comment on how he's throwing strikes as well, but he quickly walks Mauer to shut me up. And now Morneau singles to center and Mauer goes to 3rd. Shit, this inning was looking easy. Now Aardsma is getting loose. 3-0 on Cuddyer. Fuck shit piss. Walks him. Shit fuck piss cunt shit poop. Bases loaded, 2 down for Monroe. And on 3-1 he hits a grounder to Lowell, who boots it and it's 8-4 Twins. Weird hop. Did I mention how much I love artificial surface? And Delmon grounds to Youk, nice play. He flips to Tavarez and the 4th is over. Twins grab another one, 8-4.

Top 5
Drew grounds out to MOR-no unassisted, 1 down. Coco hits a soft looper to center but Gomez tracks it down, two away. Ugh. And Cash whiffs and it's a 1-2-3 inning for Blackburn. Double ugh.

Bottom 5
Gratuitous Urban Dictionary link courtesy of HzMLS: superman. Superman that hooooo! Speaking of hos, the ejected fan also requests that I link this: clown car. Gross. Aardsma in. Lamb flies to left for the first out. Everett pops to second. Joe Morgan is now talking about how quickly a hitter has to make a decision to swing. They're showing graphics with a clock showing how many fractions of a second it takes for the ball to reach the plate. Morgan is trying to describe the time differences and it is embarrassing. Listening to him talk about numbers is like listening to a 5-year old talk about astrophysics. Gomez strikes out, and hey! A 1-2-3 inning! Blog it!

Top 6
Cora leads off and cranks one off the baggie for a leadoff double. The Twins have a wall made of a baggie. I'll let that sink in as Ellsbury grounds to 2nd, Cora to 3rd. The Twins pen is busy again. I can't believe Blackburn has made it this far, frankly. Pedroia pulls a double-whammy, as he grounds to 3rd and doesn't get the run home. Boo. Here's Ortiz. And he strikes out looking. Ortiz doesn't like the call, but it looked pretty good from here. Leadoff double and no runs, this just isn't the night for the Sox. But...The Twins have a wall made of a baggie!!!

Bottom 6
Tolbert grounds to Pedroia to lead off the inning. Joe Morgan stumbles through Mothers Day wishes. Can the man say anything clearly? Mauer lines one to left...Ellsbury dives but can't get it and Mauer has a single. Now Morneau. Timlin getting loose. That is pretty much the equivalent of waving the white flag. Nothing I'd like more than to blog Timlin giving up seven or so runs. Morneau walks, and two on with one out. I'm sleepy. And now Morgan is saying MOR-no and HOO-lee-in!!! I'm just dying for Miller to refer to the D-Backs veteran pitcher as Randy Huan-SOWN (rhymes with Ponson). And Cuddyer grounds into a double-play, Cora unassisted to Youk. Another scoreless inning!

Top 7
Blackburn out, Matt Guerrier in. Youk hits a grounder up the middle, diving stop by Everett who throws him out. Very nice play. Lowell fouls to first. Ass-ugly night for him so far. J.D. Drew changes his equally ugly night by singling to right. Coco now. And he cranks one deep and gone! Over the baggie! And it's now 8-6! The Twins have a wall made of a baggie! Cash money now, ya dig? And he grounds to 3rd, but this game just got slightly more interesting! 8-6 Twins.

Bottom 7
Aardsma out, Timlin in. Well it's about to get less interesting again as a new chapter of The Adventures of Mike Timlin is written. Here's Monroe. And he promptly homers, 9-6 Twins. Mike Timlin is an absolute disgrace, the Sox really need to show him the door. He is a complete shell of what he once was. Young grounds to short. 1 out. Lamb pops to right for the 2nd out. And Everett grounds to short, and wow, Timlin only gives up one! You're 42, retire!

Top 8
Guerrier out, Reyes in. Cora up, he has a single and a double tonight. Between him and Coco, I noticed they have combined for the cycle. And Cora with another single! And good god Reyes is fat. Get that man a salad. Jacoby now. And he flies to left, and his night of suck continues. Not many Sox having a good night here. Nathan getting loose, but probably won't be in until the 9th. And Pedroia grounds into a 6-4-3 DP and I sigh and look at my watch.

Bottom 8
I will stick this one out, loyal readers! This is the first live blog here at The Ejected Fan, but it will not be the last. And the great thing about live blogs is you can't get kicked out. Gomez leads off and lines to right. Timlin still in, so...hey! An out! Tolbert hits a little bloop that Cora makes a nice running catch on, running to left with his back to the plate. Very nice.
OK. The following exchange just took place:

Miller: That was Vizquel-like.
Morgan: Speaking of that, when is Vizquel coming back?
Miller: He came back yesterday.
Morgan: Oh, he did?

Awkward moment, but not surprising in the least. Miller also mentioned that Vizquel had a 3-hit game in his first game back. As in, hey Joe, you probably should have known that. Like, it's your fucking job. Francona realizes it's a rare occasion when Timlin retires 5 straight so he quickly pulls him and we go to the lefty Lopez to face Mauer. And he cranks one to left slicing towards the line, and Jacoby makes a sick sliding catch! Wow, a great play. Full speed, lays out on a ball that was ripped and moving away from him. Inning over. Miller: Somebody call a cop! Mauer got robbed!

Top 9
Well this should be it. Nathan in, Ortiz up. And he grounds to first. Nathan covers, one down. Youk rips one, Everett makes a sick diving stop, but no change to get Youkie, infield hit. Some solid D tonight though. Great effort from Everett. Here's Lowell, whose night hasn't been entirely sucktastic; he does have a sac fly. They show Manny in the dugout and he has a bat. Interesting. Lowell working a nice AB here, fouling off pitch after pitch after pitch. And he wins the battle and singles! Youk to 3rd, Drew up, and Manny has a helmet! Will he hit for Crisp? Morgan thinks no, Morgan thinks he'll hit for Cash. And as usual, Morgan is wrong. Manny on deck to hit for Coco, who had a damn good night by the way. But Drew first, and he is the tying run. Drew rips one to center, and it's over Gomez's head! It's a double, and Youkilis scores, making it 9-7! Runners on 2nd and 3rd for Manny! That was smoked, and I'm now on the edge of my seat. And there's a change. Coco up now, Manny on deck for Cash. Morgan was right for once. Coco hits one to the mound, off Nathan, and he sticks with it and throws Drew out at 3rd! Ouch. Lowell scores making it a one-run game, 9-8. Coco reaches at first, but that out at 3rd was big. Tying run now at first, but it's Coco who has some wheels. And Manny at the plate. Fasten your seatbelts. Coco goes....and he steals second! OK, it was strike one, but he's in scoring position for Manny now. Sick speed. Do they put Manny on now? They will not. Cora on deck, are you on drugs, Gardenhire? And Manny grounds to short, Everett makes the play, game over.
Well, that was more exciting at the end than I expected, so I guess that was cool. It was fun, fans. Final score, 9-8 Twins.
Goodnight all.

Friday, May 9, 2008

Edited: Craziness

i just want to say: if Jon Lester is a first ballot HOFer, i will give you back the $20 i'm going to win when Miggy Tejada finishes the season on the DL with a pituitary tumor and 13 home runs.

also, Smarty Barrett will let you punch him in the crotch.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Is Lester More?


The 2008 Sox pitching staff may be looked upon 10 years from now as one of the best pitching staffs ever. Sure, it might not seem that way right now, but give it some time. Buchholz and Lester are both gaining experience on the major league stage. They could both easily blossom into 1st ballot Hall of Fame pitchers. Neither pitcher has had the debilitating outing that Yankee rookie pitcher Chase Wright had when he gave up four home runs in a row last year to the Sox. That sort of thing can really effect a young hurler's confidence.

Lester’s last two perfomances have been close to stellar: a near complete game against Halladay and 1 run performance against the Rays. Given these last 2 outings, I find it extremely difficult to recommend Lester be designated to AAA. In fact based on major league experience alone, I would rather see Lester remain a starter and Buchholz be sent to the bullpen to aid Bat Shit as a long reliever/spot starter. Lester can be a big game pitcher. Look at his performance against Halladay last week and also in game 4 of the 2007 World Series. He comes up big when it is on the line. I do feel however that his growth was stunted a bit in 2006 after Varitek went on the DL followed shortly thereafter by Lester’s diagnosis with cancer. I think Varitek catching these young pitchers can make all the difference in the world in their confidence levels to throw certain pitches to a good hitter. For these youngsters, pitching in the major leagues is about confidence in their abilities. I think Lester has this already.

Who knows what will happen if and when they bring up Fat Boy Colon. Let’s see how he does in his first start. If he sucks, drop his ass like a fantasy dud . I can’t see Colon going to the bullpen. Basically, the Sox are going to have to make a move with either Buchholz or Lester if they plan on bringing Colon up. What would be the big deal if you moved Buchholz to the bullpen? Yeah, they talk about pitcher’s rhythm and routine every 5th day, but come on already. Last year Brett Myers of the Phillies moved to the closer role midway through the season and then moved back to being a starter. It’s no big deal. Teams have to stop babying these pitchers, but at the same time the pitchers themselves have to know what their limits are. Is the net effect of adding Colon to the rotation going to benefit the Sox? Will it fuck up the rhythm these young pitchers have established? I don’t know. However, I feel that if they send Colon to the bullpen he will become the 2008 version of Eric Gagne.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

ESPN shocked to learn that LeBron James is not infallible

Smarty Barrett will occasionally blog outside of the common theme of baseball here at The Ejected Fan. Some of his off-topic discussions may include the NBA, the NFL, college basketball, reviews of the latest gangsta rap albums, and recaps from last night's episode of "America's Next Top Model." This is one of those times.

My alarm goes off at 6:15 AM Monday through Friday. I wake up, mosey on downstairs, throw on ESPN, and get ready. But today was not like any other Wednesday. I was excited. I didn't even listen to Dennis and Callahan on my clock radio long enough for them to use a racially insensitive term. I flew out of bed and ran downstairs like it was Christmas morning. I needed to see SportsCenter. Namely, I needed to see how they were going to spin the terrible performance of one LeBron James.



For those unaware, the Celtics played Game 1 of the Eastern Conference semifinals last night against the LeBron James Cleveland Cavaliers. If you happened to miss LeBron's scoring line last night, here it is: 2-18 shooting, 0-6 from 3 pt. range, 12 pts, 9 reb, 9 asst, and 10 turnovers. For those of you further unfamiliar with SportsCenter, I can't even begin to describe how much they sweat LBJ. It is seriously insane. Sometimes they don't even mention the Cavs - just LeBron. Looking to see what Ben Wallace or Boobie (hehehehehehe....boobie) Gibson did in the game? Fat chance. I'd say a good 90% of Cavs highlights I saw this year showed LeBron exclusively. Meanwhile, the two anchors would wax on and on about how he is the greatest thing they have ever seen. Now don't get me wrong. LBJ is great. Amazing. Spectacular. One of the 3 best players in the league, if not the best. Love watching him play. I don't even mind when people compare him to Jordan. He's that good. HOWEVA, when the media elevates a guy so much and pumps you with so much hype that you can't even breathe, you start to wonder when he will fail. And what they will say when he does. Because the things they say on ESPN when talking about James are starting to get over-the-top. I mean, here's what I've heard this season:
  • LeBron James once had 11 assists in a 1-on-1 game.
  • One of LeBron James' dunks once gave a woman 16 consecutive orgasms.
  • The working title to Jeremy by Pearl Jam was "LeBron James."
  • LeBron James wrote and directed the series finale of M*A*S*H.
  • LeBron once spotted an opponent 8 points and beat him 21-6.
  • A behind-the-back pass from James immediately withdrew 2,000 troops from Iraq.
In all seriousness, it has gotten to the point where they have showered the guy with so much praise that it literally makes me sick to my stomach to hear anymore.

So that is why this morning was great. What would they say? Well, of course, when you endorse something that much, the only real thing you can do is make excuses. And it was great, let me tell you. You could almost hear them going through the 5 stages of grief. First they told viewers how there's no way LeBron is that bad. He will do better in Game 2, he has to. Then they talked about how he got hit hard every time he took it to the hole and he didn't get any calls! Those jerk officials! Then they promised never to mention his Game 1 performance again if he just comes up big in Game 2. That's when the second highlight film kicked in. The missed lay-up anchored this, whereupon they went back to the somber anchors in the studio. They recapped the night by re-reading LeBron's scoring line, and announcing the final score. Acceptance.



And I loved every minute of it.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Tres de Mayo: Sox exact revenge on a 'Team Formerly Known as the Devil Rays' at Fenway!
Game Report, 5/3/08 vs. Tampa Bay Rays

The ejected fan starts the evening off solo at Who’s on First waiting for dubbschism and HzMLS. Who’s on First is a Yawkey Way bar that non-ticketed fans can enter through the alleyway on Brookline Ave. This is important because the ejected fan does not enjoy waiting in lines for bars; plus there is easy access to Fenway Park with no line from this bar.
Tonight is May 3rd - two days before Cinco De Mayo. In honor of Cinco de Mayo, Corona is giving out koozies that look like ponchos from Clint Eastwood’s The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. A Mariachi Band enters Who’s on First through the alleyway entrance and plays such hits as La Cucaracha and Tequila. Ejected fan has exclusive video footage.

video

In addition to being the third of May, it was a guy named Mook's 50th birthday party in the back of Who’s on First. Apparently he sucks, because a bunch of his friends go about getting autographs from pseudo-celebrities saying that Mook sucks. They even spent a great deal of time creating a flier with these “Mook Sucks” autographs.

By the time they get into the park and get to their seats, the Red Sox have scored 3 runs off James Shields. dubb buys corn on the cob and is eating at his seat. He bites into the cob and the juice from the kernels shoot five rows in front of us. The ejected fan hope no one in front of him has any food allergies. Luckily tonight Smarty Barrett sits in the gluten-free section of Fenway, otherwise known as the Alcohol-free left field grandstands. Smarty Barrett coins this part of the park “The Free Alcohol Zone” due to the smuggling of alcohol into this area.

Wagering at Fenway
A group of four bleacher creatures is running a (possibly illegal) gambling racket, taking bets on whether or not the baseball ends up on the dirt of the mound at the end of each inning. A chubby girl with curly hair seems to be the head bookie. The ejected fan inquires about getting in on this action, but is denied on the pretext that his group is not in their row. dubbschism, HzMLS, and ejf start their own wager on which player will return to the dugout first upon completion of the inning: Lowell, Manny or Jacoby. Manny would have been first but he stopped to light up a joint on his way back to the dugout.

Towards the end of the evening the betting degrades to determining the age of a random Cougar in a white Patriots jacket, about 15 rows in front of us. The ejected fan is encouraged by the bettors to ask her what her age is. (Please note this is not something that ejf would typically ask a woman; however, in the interests of this blog it had to be done.) As it turns out the Cougar was 54 years of age. Upon hearing this, one of the bettors in his mid-twenties shouts “I would take her home with me!”

Pete Rose would be proud of such speculation.


The Mad Clown
During the second inning of the ballgame, we encounter a fan who is blocking our view of the field. He would later be dubbed the Mad Clown due to his obnoxious joker-like laugh. After 2 minutes of viewing the mad clown's back, dubbschism shouts MOVE! Apparently this did not gain favor in this mad jester’s court.

Later in the game, the Mad Clown would get all hot and bothered by the talk of betting. He relays a story of his own about his own enjoyment of a good wager:

Mad Clown: HA HA HA HA HA! (Regarding HzMLS, ejf and dubb's bet)
HA HA HA HA HA!
HzMLS: HA HA HA HA HA!
Mad Clown: I went to the ultrasound of my 3rd child. HA HA HA HA HA!
And I tried to bet my father in law on whether he would be a boy or a girl. Cuz I’m a bettin' man….. HA HA HA HA HA!
He could’ve bet that he was a boy and won $500, but he is not a bettin’ man! HA HA HA HA HA!

<----MAD CLOWN





Notable Ejections:

  • During the 3rd inning a blow-up doll lands in the ejected fan's lap. In a shameless attempt at Guerrilla marketing, the ejected fan takes his pen and writes the blog address for The Ejected Fan on this poor girl and bounces her down to next row. Later, security wraps a towel around her and escorts her off the premises. According to Sports Illustrated, Fenway Park ranks poorly with regards to promotions. Giving out free blow-up dolls clad only in red socks to the first 1000 fans would be a hit and could change SI’s perceptions. Fans would have a blast bouncing them around the bleachers. Girls Gone Wild could sponsor this. Larry Lucchino, if you a reading this, please take this under advisement.

  • A guy runs on the field during Sweet Caroline. Security tackles the fan HARD. Fans in the bleachers look on in amazement. Chris Tucker yells, “You got knocked the fuck out!”

Who is Debbie Marsh?

After the game, we meet up with our old friend Jumpstreet at the Baseball Tavern. Jumpstreet and the ejected fan use our copy of Mad Libs as an ice breaker to start conversations with members of the opposite sex. One contestant on Mad Libs was turned on from her erotic verbalization of such words as pulsating and nipple clamps. During our Mad Libs tour, we are in dire need of a plural noun. We stop an older, heavyset, ostensibly intoxicated woman as she is meandering through the tavern and ask her for one. She stares blankly into the distance for a moment, then exclaims "Red Sox!!" dubbschism notes her Colorado Rockies earrings and asks, "why not the Rockies?" Amazed by his seemingly psychic ways, the woman turns to dubb with wide eyes and says, "That's my other team!" Jumpstreet asks the woman why she's in the baseball tavern.


Rockies Earing Lady: Oh this is a Northeastern graduation party. I'm Debbie Marsh's mom.
Jumpstreet: (seemingly understanding) Oh.
REL: Yeah that's why there are so many sorority girls here.
dubbschism: (clearly NOT understanding) who is Debbie Marsh?!?
REL: (points to drunk girl in corner) That's her in the corner!

So Debbie Marsh is a Northeastern graduate. This is just not as important to the writers of this blog as it is to Debbie Marsh's mom. However, what IS important to the writers of this blog is that about 45 minutes after our first encounter with Debbie Marsh's mom, Debbie Marsh's mom takes a drunken tumble and lands on dubbschism. I will leave it to dubb and Jumpstreet to facebook Debbie Marsh and regal her with embarrassing tales of her inebriated mother.

Notable Observations:

  • James Shields is a Fantasy Stud. Does that sound gay?

  • Jacoby Ellsbury has a new signature song as he comes to bat -“Cherub Rock” by Smashing Pumpkins. This choice by Jacoby could be due to the recent fame this song has received from Guitar Hero 3.

  • There is a guy with an Intel backpack on. I ask HzMLS “Do you think he has Intel inside?” HzMLS responds, “No, just weed.”

  • Regarding Rays Player Dioner Navarro, a fan asks “Is he related to Dave Navarro?”

  • These Sox fans with turbans crafted from Red Sox promotional giveaway Sox blankets...


  • There is a girl with an Insoxicated Shirt on. On this shirt one of symptoms is that you have the urge to eat sushi every fifth day. Our very own dubbschism is experiencing this same symptom almost daily. ejf has decided that he will need to have dubbschism’s mercury levels in his blood tested prior to being permitted to blog again.
  • Stay Tuned May 17th for the Sox game against the Brew Crew… Also there may be an update on ejf’s position on Jon Lester.... Tina Cervasio's blonde replacement will also be the subject of a future post.

And what's this? He's pointing to the right-field bleachers, probably at a dying little boy.

It's time for your mandatory Miguel Tejada weekly update, folks! Much to dubb's displeasure, Tejada launched his 5th homer of the season on Friday night, and it turns out that he promised a young boy with muscular dystrophy that he would go deep. I've always been a semi-sucker for stories like this, but I'm sure the ejected fan is going to start crafting phony letters from fictional kids with serious illnesses and mail them to Tejada in hopes of winning his $20 bet. I say here's to you Miggy!

So I guess the ejected fan would be upset if I didn't recap the rest of my weekend, being that I went to all 3 Sox games vs. the Devil Rays, and although I probably won't be able to weave a tale as eloquent as HzMLS did, here goes:

Friday Night:



Saturday Night:
Our evening began with HzMLS and I stopping off at a watering hole near Fenway, where I promptly inhaled 2 rather strong (and rather expensive) adult beverages. They would prove to be helpful, as fellow fan EGD2 and myself were sitting in the CVS Family Section, aka the alcohol-free zone. Our particular section was patrolled by none other than Mr. Miyagi, who confiscated beers and roughed up hooligans. Needless to say, we saw many ejected fans. The ejf himself would have been jealous.

After the game, HzMLS and I went to a local karaoke bar that we often frequent to get absolutely top-tier sidewalk-puking obliterated. After a few more beverages, we begin to jot our blog addresses on a karaoke slip or 30, and leave them scattered around the bar. Then, after a riveting performance of a popular rap tune, HzMLS began shouting out "EJECTEDFAN.BLOGSPOT.COM" until the DJ's cut his mic and made us promise to not drive home. Big beats hit streets, see bloggers roamin'...


Sunday Afternoon:
After waking up with a trash can next to my bed and bits of Cracker Jacks stuck to my pants, I prepared for my final trek to America's Most Beloved Ballpark. I put on my alcohol-and-food-stained Red Sox sweatshirt that I had worn to the previous two games and got ready to go. The Sox hoodie was absolutely necessary no matter how dirty it was, because they had won the previous two games when I wore it, and yes, I am that superstitious. I didn't care that I looked incredibly homeless hungover.
The highlight of this game was the ever stereotypical Sox fan about 10 rows in front of us who frequently stood and screamed Let's Go SAWX! amongst other re-taahhhded things. We called him Sully from Quincy, although it could have easily been Smitty from Dorchester or Mikey from Southie.


All-in-all, the Sox are now 5-0 in games I attend, including 3-0 in games all 4 members of the EjF attend. So I assume all you loyal readers will want to take us to a game to ensure a Sox win, so hit us up!!

Friday, May 2, 2008

Collaboration! Co-Lesteration! Reverse Colónostomy?

Sporadically, the nerds over at the Ejected fan will argue over the Red Sox. Usually these conversations happen over a beer or twelve, but when they are done sober the editors of the Ejected Fan will bring you into the discussion. Today's topic: What should be done with Jon Lester? (Please note, this discussion was started before his last start, when he was absolutely brilliant.)

dubbschism:
i will start this discussion with a quick chart, to show the world i have a pirated copy of microsoft excel and i know how to use it.




Majors -



YearIP BB/IP H/IP WHIP
200681.10.531.121.65
2007630.490.971.46
200831.20.60.851.45
Minors -



20031060.420.961.38
2004910.430.91.33
2005148.10.380.771.15
2006470.530.911.45

as you can see, Lester's problem is his control. his .85 H/IP thus far this year is better than any mark he's ever put up, not counting 2005 in Portland. now i'm not exactly sure of what the hitting environment is like in the International League, but he did have a huge jump in BB/IP from 05 (AA) to 06 (AAA) [sidenote: i left out his AAA stats from '07 as it was a rehab assignment and therefore possibly not indicative of his true capabilities. caveat for 2007 in the bigs too, although he did post a decent .49 BB/IP level in limited time there.]

my point here is that his stuff is nasty, he just needs to throw strikes more often. i'm guessing that the hitters in the international league aren't going to be nearly as patient as what he's going to face up in boston, especially with so many starts against the yankees and other patient teams. i say the Sox sort of have the luxury of letting him develop his control at the big league level - his pitch count will go up and he generally wont make it past the 6th, but we have a capable bullpen and a potent enough offense to make up for the runs he may give up. pitching to aggressive minor league hackers isn't going to force him to establish the command that will turn him into an elite starter. he has the stuff. does this make sense?




The Ejected Fan
: abstained






Hazel Mae’s Landing Strip:
I would like to use stats like dubb, but I am far too lazy to look them up. I guess I will have to use the Dusty Baker method and talk about what I see. What I see is a guy with good stuff that isn't attacking the strike zone. Last year he showed what he was capable of, especially in Game 4 against the Rockies, where he shut them down for 6+ innings. But this year he has to be the most frustrating pitcher on the staff to watch, because he has the stuff but he doesn’t attack the hitters! I don't know if Lester is trying to nibble too much (a la Dice-K) or just has poor control of his pitches. When he first came up as a rookie in '06 I thought the wildness and getting out of jams would be something he would grow out of. Guess I was wrong. Should we drop him back to the minors to work on mechanics? I am going to say no - he needs a full season under his belt, which for a variety of reasons he hasn't been able to do. He is pitching in front of a prolific offense that should be able to bail him out of some his bad starts, and we always have Bat Shit (Tavarez - hat tip: Surviving Grady) in the pen if it gets out of control. With a full season working John Farrell and getting advice from Beckett, he might be able to work the kinks out of his game and really become the pitcher Boston fans have been hoping for. Patience my friends, patience.





The Ejected fan : pass






Smarty Barrett-
Don't get me wrong - Jon Lester is a great story. The cancer thing, the clinching of the World Series, all that. Not only that, I love Jon Lester. [dubbschism says: love like the way i love sushi, or love like the way i love Didi Malloy on The Riches?] I think he has great stuff, he's confident, and he has great composure both on and off the field. As a Red Sox fan, nothing would make me happier than seeing him do well. That said, I really think he could benefit from some time in the minors once Colón is ready to join the big club. Stats as well as the untrained eye will tell you that Lester's biggest problem is throwing strikes.

Take note of the following:

And with this control trouble comes, of course, more pitches. Entering his last start, Lester was averaging 18 pitches per inning. His average outing was 5 and 1/3 innings, but his average pitch count per outing was 93 pitches.

Based on this data, you can say that Lester clearly needs to work on his command. If the Red Sox were the Pirates or the Reds or the Royals, I would be perfectly content seeing him work out these kinks in the majors against big-league hitting and working through the growing pains. However, the Red Sox are a team that can contend for another World Series title and they cannot afford his failures up here every 5th day. Control mainly has to do with mechanical issues and repetition of delivery. These can ALL be worked on about an hour down 95 in Pawtucket. There are some things that I can tolerate guys working on up here at the big-league level. Throwing strikes is not one of them.



The Ejected fan : silence

Labels