My alarm goes off at 6:15 AM Monday through Friday. I wake up, mosey on downstairs, throw on ESPN, and get ready. But today was not like any other Wednesday. I was excited. I didn't even listen to Dennis and Callahan on my clock radio long enough for them to use a racially insensitive term. I flew out of bed and ran downstairs like it was Christmas morning. I needed to see SportsCenter. Namely, I needed to see how they were going to spin the terrible performance of one LeBron James.
For those unaware, the Celtics played Game 1 of the Eastern Conference semifinals last night against the
- LeBron James once had 11 assists in a 1-on-1 game.
- One of LeBron James' dunks once gave a woman 16 consecutive orgasms.
- The working title to Jeremy by Pearl Jam was "LeBron James."
- LeBron James wrote and directed the series finale of M*A*S*H.
- LeBron once spotted an opponent 8 points and beat him 21-6.
- A behind-the-back pass from James immediately withdrew 2,000 troops from Iraq.
So that is why this morning was great. What would they say? Well, of course, when you endorse something that much, the only real thing you can do is make excuses. And it was great, let me tell you. You could almost hear them going through the 5 stages of grief. First they told viewers how there's no way LeBron is that bad. He will do better in Game 2, he has to. Then they talked about how he got hit hard every time he took it to the hole and he didn't get any calls! Those jerk officials! Then they promised never to mention his Game 1 performance again if he just comes up big in Game 2. That's when the second highlight film kicked in. The missed lay-up anchored this, whereupon they went back to the somber anchors in the studio. They recapped the night by re-reading LeBron's scoring line, and announcing the final score. Acceptance.
And I loved every minute of it.