Performance Enhancing Drugs.

How do you think he won all those medals?

MVPedroier

add now to his already impressive list of hardware (RoY, GG, SS), the 2008 AL MVP award. not a bad choice by the writers, as it blends the "traditional" standards (he played on a playoff team, was renowned for his grit and hustle, hit the fuck out of the ball) but his objective value was quite high as well (great defense, middle infielder with offensive value, 20 for 21 in steals (!!!!)), so you probably won't hear alot of whining from either side about this one.

i'm also impressed with the writers for giving Poo-holes his due in the NL, and not letting their voting hands slip on the drool generated by Ryan Howard's RsBI and home runs. now if we can just do something about Edinson Volquez's rookie eligibility.

The Return of Big Papi - The Introduction of Lil' Papi Game Report, 7/27/08 vs. New York Yankees

A game recap not done by the Ejected Fan? A Yankees/Red Sox game where we saw no ejections? (Although apparently there was one.) We even introduce two new Sox fans to the blog, so read on!

This game did not look like it was going to happen. HzMLS and I had weather.com and boston.com open on our laptops trying to monitor the situation. As soon as the rain stopped, we hit the road. With Jenny Cupcakes and Dan Haren, Jr. (DHJ) in tow, we arrived at the park rather early. The first thing we noticed was a young boy sitting in front of us with an Ortiz jersey that said "Papi" on the back and a hat embroidered with the nickname "Lil' Papi." As the Sox began to embarrass the Yankees, we struck up a conversation with Lil' Papi. Turns out he and his family came all the way from Indianapolis to see the Sox take on the Evil Empire. HzMLS and I ask if he is a fan of other Boston sports. He and his dad mention the Celtics, but admit that their football allegiance lies with the Colts. HzMLS quotes a Meatloaf song. Some other gems from Lil' Papi:

• When HzMLS began ribbing him for liking the Colts, Lil' Papi turned to him and asked "Hey, when's the last time your team won the Championship?"
• HzMLS asked him who his favorite player is, not including Ortiz of course. Lil' Papi cited Ted Williams, which prompts HzMLS to ask if Lil' Papi knows the significance of the red seat in the bleachers. Lil' Papi explains that a man in the crowd of a Sox game fell asleep in that seat, so Ted Williams hit a home run off his head to wake him up.
• Lil' Papi had a Spiderman camera. HzMLS asserts that Spiderman is the greatest superhero. I disagree, citing Batman, which prompts the following discussion:

Me: Batman is way better. He has the Batmobile. Have you ever heard of the Spidermobile?

HzMLS: So? He shoots webs. Does Batman shoot webs?

Me: No. He shoots blades out of his wrists.

HzMLS: Yeah, but can those blades save someone who is falling?

• After a few beers, HzMLS quips that he would like a Lil' Papi hat to wear on his crotch.

Some other non-Lil' Papi gems from the night:

• During one of Richie Sexson's ABs, the following fact appears on the JumboTron: "At 6'7", Sexson is the tallest position player in Yankees history." DHJ and I joke that it should read: "At 6'7", Sexson is the worst position player in Yankees history."
• Jenny Cupcakes comments that she hates Robinson Cano, prompting avid approval from fans next to us, and even screams of "I HATE YOU!" during Cano's ABs.

• Talking with the family in front of us, HzMLS and I struggle to name even one player on the Pacers. Our guesses of Stephen Jackson, Austin Croshere, Jermaine O'Neal, and Al Harrington are shot down. When we finally land on Jamaal Tinsley, Lil' Papi's dad informs us that the Pacers are trying to trade him.
• HzMLS spies an acquaintance about 10 rows in front of us, and informs our group that he was FutureMrs.HzMLS's date to a high school prom. After some liquid encouragement, he shouts, "Hey! You know your junior prom date? Yeah, I'm marrying her!"
• On our way out of the park, HzMLS begins talking about plans for his bachelor party. Jenny Cupcakes comments that she wishes she was a guy so she could go to bachelor parties. HzMLS tells her, "You're not a bachelor, you're a bachelorette! There's like a 6 1/2 inch difference."
• I comment that we should sell advertising on the Ejected Fan, and use the proceeds to buy HzMLS alcohol at games, to fuel material for the site.

All in all, a great game, Sox were able to salvage one and fend off a sweep, thanks to some stellar pitching by future HOFer Jon Lester. And we got to see Big Papi go deep. But the night belonged to Lil' Papi.

Hot Town Summer in the City: Saturday Red Sox Crush Mariners Game Report, 6/7/08 vs. Seattle Mariners

My record at the games I have attended at Fenway this season is 7-1. However, I am not so delusional as to believe that I have a direct impact on the outcome of any game. With the best home record in baseball, the Sox just play well at Fenway. Up until Friday evening the Sox had not lost a game at Fenway since May 1. However, today their line up was again atrophied by the absence of Ortiz for the sixth straight game, but they still managed to put up some big innings against Seattle pitching. The seventy million dollar man, JD Drew , is finally starting to hit the cover off the ball. Despite a tight hammy, Slap-happy (Manny Ramirez) is hitting the ball to all fields.

We start our day off at La Verdad. Not to be confused with the home of Celtics Player Paul Pierce, La Verdad is a Mexican Taqueria on Landsdowne street next to Jillian’s. We miss the first couple of innings of the game waiting for our food to be served. The TV is finally tuned to the Fox broadcast and we see a towering shot by Manny Ramirez that goes over everything. Due to the broadcast delay, we hear the applause about four seconds before we see Manny hit the home run. The Fox broadcast zooms in on a garage attendant who tracks down the ball in the garage on Landsdowne street. Dubbschism kids, “There goes the ball” as he points to Landsdowne street at our vantage point about 200 yards from that garage.

With the hype of the Celtics in the NBA finals, our focus shifted to discussion of the finals and how Kobe Bryant and Lebron James do not hold a candle to Michael Jordan. Knight Rider goes on to state, “Michael Jordan made moves in the air that I’ve only seen small kittens make.” The style of play in the NBA today is certainly different than it was in the eighties and nineties…

Breathalyzer Guy

After finishing our Mexican fare and buckets of Corona at La Verdad, we enter the park in the third inning and head to the pavilion standing room section of Fenway. Immediately upon entering the section we see a guy blowing into a breathalyzer. The Ejected Fan inquires, “Does that start your car?” Breathalyzer guy responds, “No, but it drops my girlfriend’s panties.” Ejected Fan wonders whether one can blow a 4.0 which, would be Summa Cum Laude by Blood Alcohol standards. Upon further research E.F has deemed this feat impossible because death almost always imminently occurs at .40 percent.

At this point in the evening EF was achieving probably a .059% BAC with mild euphoria, relaxtion, talkativeness etc…In reference to our blog monikers, Breathalyzer guy asks Double Dragon, “How did you come up with the name Double Dragon? Were you on a 6 day drug binge when later you found out that you did 2 chicks at the same time?"

Knight Rider Celebrates his Birthday
Today was Knight Rider’s birthday. He celebrated in a few different ways:

1. Broadcasting Solo-Mad libs (Mad Libs done without the help of others) to a captive audience on the second floor of the Baseball Tavern.
   
2. While at Baseball Tavern, “867-5309” by Tommy Tutone
   starts playing on the jukebox. A thoroughly inebriated (BAC .11-.20) Birthday Boy decides to dial 617-867-5309. He then leaves a drunken rendition of this classic 80’s song on the answering machine of a Boston area plumbing and heating company.
   
3. A guy on the T has two stones. He shotguns a beer. In an act of protest, Knight Rider shotguns his beer, but does not quite finish. The guy with the Keystone Lights chastises Knight Rider for not completely finisihing his Bud Light...in an act of unity, a passenger who was inadvertently showered with Keystone Light says "what the hell?" and whips out a 40oz. he had in a paper bag and takes a swig. Dubbschism and Zeitgeist follow suit.
4. Knight Rider's unsuccessful attempts to sell a birthday Menage a Trois to a couple. Dejected, he is turned down by the large pig tail girl.
   
5. Armed with a tennis ball, another highlight of Knight Rider’s day is playing catch on Ipswich street.
   
6. Interesting Trivia about Knight Rider: Upon discussion of the classic video game Double Dragon and the hair grab knee move, discussion shifts to Street Fighter. Knight Rider admits that he once wore a green sweatsuit to emulate his idol, Ryu from the video game Street Fighter.
   
   
   Double Dragon on Parenting
   
   Today was the hottest day of the year thus far with mercury topping out in the low 90’s. Luckily our group was under the shade of the roof overhang. Witnessing a toddler in a stroller with his parents, Double Dragon states, “I don’t know much about parenting, but I know that’s not good. A jacket on a kid in 90 degree heat! That’s child abuse. Look the stroller doubles as a stretcher….” E.F states, “Yeah your kids will melt.”
   
   It is tough to see the game from the Pavilion standing room section today. Fans along the standing room railing are dug in like World War I Germans in trenches. It is tough to get a view of the action on the field. Due to the extreme heat by the mid 7th inning, there is a lot of open seats around us. Fans who could actually see the game are treated to dueling knuckleballers R.U.A. Dickey and Wakefield facing each other.
   Todays game seems to fly by. Maybe it is the fact that it was a 3:55 PM start or that we had missed the first couple innings. The length of the game is 2 hours and 45 minutes which seems short for such a high scoring affair. Stay tuned in a couple weeks for next update from E.F at Fenway.

All the girls standing in the line for the bathroom!

Smarty Barrett will occasionally blog outside of the common theme of baseball here at The Ejected Fan. Some of his off-topic discussions may include the NBA, the NFL, college basketball, reviews of the latest gangsta rap albums, and recaps from last night's episode of "America's Next Top Model." This is one of those times.

So a few weeks back, HzMLS and I purchased tickets to The Glow in the Dark Tour at the Tweeter Center in Mansfield, MA. We were excited to see some of our favorite hip-hop acts, including Lupe Fiasco, N*E*R*D, and Kanye West. What follows is the legendary tale of that night in its entirety, with no details omitted.

The show started at 6:30. HzMLS and I arrived around 6:45 and moved towards the gates. We quickly took notice of the demographic of the crowd: all high school kids. At best, several of them had just graduated, fresh off the broken condom incidents of prom night and ready to enjoy the 3 or so Kanye songs they've heard on Mix 98.5. Now HzMLS and I are 26 and 25 respectively, so it was pretty easy for us to stand out. It became even easier when HzMLS purchased two beers upon us entering the venue. As we made our way onto the lawn to enjoy Lupe Fiasco, a theme for the night began to develop: kids were going to ask us to buy them beer. We were taken off-guard by the requests at first, and started off by just politely declining. But the requests kept coming. Which got the wheels in our heads turning: how can we turn these kids down? It started innocently. Denying that we were 21, telling them I was HzMLS's dad and I had procured the alcohol, pretending to not speak English, etc. Approximately 90% of the people who asked us for beers were female, a fact not lost on a single man such as myself. We began to start entertaining some offers more seriously, depending on the attractiveness of the female. We were offered $20 to purchase just one beer (beers were $8) and we still said no, although I had to think about it a lot. After HzMLS moved on to beers three and four, he started to get more creative. His first method was to tell a prospective buyer that he is a police officer and he would pretend like he didn't hear her request if she disappeared from his sight. Needless to say, we seriously freaked out a 16-year old girl. At the point, N*E*R*D was on stage and they were rocking. HzMLS began to display his beers prominently to attract prospective customers. His next move would go down in history. Five females approached us. Two were attractive (one very much so) and the other three...not so much. Anyway, my brain starts working as to how to arrange a "make-out-with-me-and-I'll-buy-you-beer" proposition. Even if these girls were 16, it would not be uncharted territory. And because of the existence of Ms.HzMLS (not to be confused with futuremrsrickankiel), I could work my game freely without the threat of competition. As my conscience began to dig at me, HzMLS dropped this gem:

Girl: Will you buy us beer?

HzMLS: How much will you pay us?

Girl: I don't know, like 10 bucks?

HzMLS: Forget it. We've been offered 20 tonight.

Girl: Fine. (Starts to walk away)

HzMLS: Hey!

Girl: (turns back)

HzMLS: Do you know who Al Capone is?

Girl: (quietly) Yes...

HzMLS: Do you know how much he charged for beer?

At this point I was almost in tears from laughing so hard. The girl screamed something about prohibition and stormed off. Toying with these kids was superseding the excitement of the concert itself. Rhianna was on at this point, and after realizing she was wearing more clothing than we would have hoped, HzMLS and I returned to our side-project of the evening. With HzMLS having beers five and six in his clutches, we are re-approached by a few females who were bugging us earlier in the night. By the looks of it, they seem to have acquired a few beverages elsewhere and have become much more persistent. They begin flashing their IDs maintaining that they are 20 years old and will be 21 very soon, so it's not so bad to buy them beer. I start to become persuaded until one of them lets it slip that junior prom was super-rad a few weeks back. Frustrated, one of the girls begins to grab at HzMLS's beers. As he tries to squirm away, I make a desperation move to save him. I inform the girls that if they correctly guess both of our ages, I will procure beers for them. She points to me and guesses 21 and the wager is over (She guessed 22 for HzMLS for those wondering). After the girls depart, I walk with HzMLS to the concourse. I plan to purchase a shirt, and HzMLS grabs beers seven and eight. On the way there, I find a stray ID of a 20-year old girl on the ground and pocket it. Once we return to our spots, Rhianna is almost done and I realize I should probably take what I can get (this is how I often end nights of drinking...but I digress). Two females approach and offer $20 for two beers. I accept and purchase them, pocketing $4, a modest fee in the process. As soon as they grab the beers from me, they disappear in a cloud of dust. Soon after, Kayne comes out, and just rocks his set. The beer stands are closed, so HzMLS and I soak in the awesomeness of a true hip-hop icon. As he is wrapping up, HzMLS notices a throwback Brewers fitted on a blanket, with a crew of four or so people standing in front of it. He snatches up the hat and tucks it under his shirt. Because of his intoxication, he is not very discreet at all, and I have to coach him into pulling off this theft properly. We duck out as Kanye is finishing his set and rush to my car, Brewers hat in tow. At the exit, a woman is handing out promotional stickers of some kind. HzMLS grabs a stack from her, and we proceed to slap them on cars in the parking lot on our way to our vehicle. As the beats pumped from my speakers on our way out of the crowded parking lot, two words resonated in my head about the night we had just experienced....:

Blog It.

Semi-Irregular Miguel Tejada Home Run Update

today's date: the Ides of May
Miggy's current HR total: 5
Miggy's projected HR total, should he keep up this pace: 20 (!!!!!)
probability that the ejected fan wins my $20 and spends it on overpriced Sambvca nips from the Regal Beagle so he can get plastered on the T before he even gets to Fenway: 12%