NEWS FLASH: Devern Hansack is ALIVE!!!!

Apparently, the infamous Fenway Hawk did not actual kill Devern Hansack as reported on Opening Day by the Ejected Fan. Devern must have somehow escaped from the hawk's lair and has a new AFRO doo to show for it. Devern was released just in time to be called up by the Red Sox on their expanded roster. Good luck Devern!

!Viva Nicaragua!

Carl Pavano: Worst Yankee Signing Ever?

....This was one of those rare times when Carl Pavano actually threw a pitch in a Yankee uniform last week. The Ejected Fan remembers wishing and hoping during the 2004 off-season that somehow this New Britain, Connecticut native would again be wearing the Red Sox laundry. Thankfully for the Red Sox sake this did not happen. Pavano was drafted by the Sox back in '94 and was part of the deal that brought Pedro to Boston. As a Yankee, Pavano has been plagued by injury since his debut in 2005. Pavano had a shoulder injury in '05, a bruised buttocks and broken ribs in '06 and then Tommy John elbow surgery in '07. Since '05, Pavano has started a total of 20 games with the Yankees, the majority coming in the '05 season. Saturday was the first start since April of 2007. During Spring Training of '07, Yankee pitcher Mike Mussina even questioned Pavano's dedication to the Yankees. Mussina wondered if everything was just coincidence. In December of '07 Yankee managment offered Pavano a minor league contract which his agent refused.

The Ejected Fan has run some numbers on Pavano. As a Yankee, Pavano has earned an estimated $5,980,769 per win, an estimated $1,794, 230 per start and an estimated $552,071 per strikeout.

The Yankee website The Jason Giambi Mustache Squad, which sponsors Pavano's Baseball Reference page states," Carl Pavano is to the Yankees as the movie Ghost Dad is to American cinema. Not even a mustache could save that guy." I don't remember too much about Ghost Dad, but I do remember Bill Cosby was in it...

Even if Pavano morphs into Sandy Koufax for the remainder of the season, the Yankees have very little shot of making the playoffs. I hope the preceding statement does not in anyway jinx that likelihood. As a Red Sox fan, I just want to thank embedded Red Sock Carl Pavano for his many years of service as a Yankee.

Chupacabra versus Bigfoot **UPDATE** BIGFOOT HOAX?

As an avid viewer of Monster Quest, Ejected Fan has come across some "Monster" updates this week. Apparently, a body of the legendary Bigfoot has been found this week. The website http://www.searchingforbigfoot.com/ has been overloaded with hits. In addition there is video footage of a Chupacabra making news this week. Personally, I think the Bigfoot finding, if real, is a much more signifcant find because of the evolutionary significance to humans.

I pose the question to readers: Which finding is more significant?

**UPDATE** It appears from the Bigfoot press conference on friday that the bigfoot finding was a hoax.

Changing of the guard: 3rd game with new comer Jason Bay in left field. Sox Complete Sweep of A’s

I want to start off by saying that this blog is evolving. Over these summer months, it has become a bit of a chore to sit in front of the computer and recap the events of a particular game. Next year The Ejected Fan will evolve into a more inspired effort. EF will only blog when truly inspired. This will keep things fresh with less of a homework type feel.

By Sunday, the drama of Manny Ramirez had long since run its course like a sort of unavoidable car crash. After the Manny Ramirez demolition derby, the Sox were left with a capable All Star left fielder in Jason Bay. The sentiment among fans was similar to that of the Nomar trade from ’04. Look at what happened to the Sox after that. Bay had already come up big in his first two games on the Sox and would continue that trend today. In the first inning, Bay made a nice throw to second to throw out a runner trying to stretch a single into a double.

Sunday was the ejected fan’s birthday. In honor of EF’s birthday, in a collective effort, Smarty Barrett and Dubbschism purchased Green Monster, Standing Room Tickets for this game. I decided earlier in the week that I would get to the game when the gates open so that I could witness batting practice from atop the green monster. Unfortunately, only the Oakland A’s would take BP today. Frank Thomas is the only formidable hitter on the A’s. He had some real “Monster” jacks during BP. Some balls were crushed over everything. However, the “Big Hurt” would not fare so well in the actual game going 0-4.

Eddie Vedder Fan

I was a bit tired from the previous two days of seeing Eddie Vedder at the Boston Opera House. I hope to have more about these shows in a future blog. I had my EV concert shirt on that I purchased on Friday when I saw another fan on the monster sporting an Evil Knievil Eddie shirt. I asked him if he had gone to the shows and we got to discussing Pearl Jam for the next hour or so. We discussed the fact that Vedder was even responsible for getting Jason Bay to the All Star team in 06. This fan had traveled all the way from California to see these couple shows at the Opera House and was now taking in a game solo from the green monster seats. Few things bring people together like sports and good music...

$160 Monster Seats for $30
Dubbschism, Veruca Salt and Smarty Barrett were extremely late for the game due to their previous 9 inning engagement. Barrett was forced to stand outside the gates of Fenway waiting for Dubb to deliver his ticket. Despite Dubbschism’s crew being extremely late for the game, the Ejected Fan managed to secure front row seats on the green monster for the late comers by digging into the trenches early. The face value of these front rowgreen monster seats is $160. We only paid $30 each for our SRO tickets. How could a sox fan not show up to the game after paying $160 per ticket? It just doesn’t make any sense.

Weather Report
It was interesting weather on Sunday Afternoon. It was a microcosm of the weather we have been experiencing in Boston throughout this summer.. It was a mixture of Sun and puffy cumulus clouds. It was hot atop the monster in the direct sun. By the time the late crew arrived in the fourth inning or so, it started to rain, gradually raining harder and then finally stopping and giving way to a rainbow. Later in the game we would be interrupted by rain again from another quick moving thundershower leading to a 20 minute rain delay. We were quickly ushered off the monster for fear of lightning.

This was the first game in a while that I was completely sober for. Because of the hard sun and having already abused my liver the last couple of nights, I opted for not consuming alcohol today. Not to be like Fun Bobby from Friends, but I felt a bit less inspired and a little less fun going to a ball game without drinking. The Sox completed the sweep of the A’s, but they have an interesting path ahead of them in their quest to reach the playoffs. I will leave you with some random observations and quips from Sunday’s game. Stay tuned for my next blog report which has evolved to encompass some of the places and events (Pearl Jam etc) of my summer vacation.

Random Observations and Quips

A fan is holding a MANNY WHO? Sign

A’s Pitcher, Huston Street should change his name to Hudson Street and then move there

Ejected Fan yells to A’s left fielder and known HGH user Jack Cust, “ Hey, HGH didn’t work for you!”, Followed by “HGH makes you uglier!”

The kid guest announcer pronounces Jed Lowrie as “Jet” Lowrie over the Fenway loudspeaker. Is Jet Lowrie related to George Jetson?

Who needs Oritz and Manny when you have Bay and Lowrie? Bay and Lowrie are the best RBI combination since Gehrig and Ruth.

The Ejected Fan caps off his day by yelling down to Jason Bay, “ Wear your Red Sox Onesie!”

Hot Town Summer in the City: Saturday Red Sox Crush Mariners Game Report, 6/7/08 vs. Seattle Mariners

My record at the games I have attended at Fenway this season is 7-1. However, I am not so delusional as to believe that I have a direct impact on the outcome of any game. With the best home record in baseball, the Sox just play well at Fenway. Up until Friday evening the Sox had not lost a game at Fenway since May 1. However, today their line up was again atrophied by the absence of Ortiz for the sixth straight game, but they still managed to put up some big innings against Seattle pitching. The seventy million dollar man, JD Drew , is finally starting to hit the cover off the ball. Despite a tight hammy, Slap-happy (Manny Ramirez) is hitting the ball to all fields.

We start our day off at La Verdad. Not to be confused with the home of Celtics Player Paul Pierce, La Verdad is a Mexican Taqueria on Landsdowne street next to Jillian’s. We miss the first couple of innings of the game waiting for our food to be served. The TV is finally tuned to the Fox broadcast and we see a towering shot by Manny Ramirez that goes over everything. Due to the broadcast delay, we hear the applause about four seconds before we see Manny hit the home run. The Fox broadcast zooms in on a garage attendant who tracks down the ball in the garage on Landsdowne street. Dubbschism kids, “There goes the ball” as he points to Landsdowne street at our vantage point about 200 yards from that garage.

With the hype of the Celtics in the NBA finals, our focus shifted to discussion of the finals and how Kobe Bryant and Lebron James do not hold a candle to Michael Jordan. Knight Rider goes on to state, “Michael Jordan made moves in the air that I’ve only seen small kittens make.” The style of play in the NBA today is certainly different than it was in the eighties and nineties…

Breathalyzer Guy

After finishing our Mexican fare and buckets of Corona at La Verdad, we enter the park in the third inning and head to the pavilion standing room section of Fenway. Immediately upon entering the section we see a guy blowing into a breathalyzer. The Ejected Fan inquires, “Does that start your car?” Breathalyzer guy responds, “No, but it drops my girlfriend’s panties.” Ejected Fan wonders whether one can blow a 4.0 which, would be Summa Cum Laude by Blood Alcohol standards. Upon further research E.F has deemed this feat impossible because death almost always imminently occurs at .40 percent.

At this point in the evening EF was achieving probably a .059% BAC with mild euphoria, relaxtion, talkativeness etc…In reference to our blog monikers, Breathalyzer guy asks Double Dragon, “How did you come up with the name Double Dragon? Were you on a 6 day drug binge when later you found out that you did 2 chicks at the same time?"

Knight Rider Celebrates his Birthday
Today was Knight Rider’s birthday. He celebrated in a few different ways:

1. Broadcasting Solo-Mad libs (Mad Libs done without the help of others) to a captive audience on the second floor of the Baseball Tavern.
   
2. While at Baseball Tavern, “867-5309” by Tommy Tutone
   starts playing on the jukebox. A thoroughly inebriated (BAC .11-.20) Birthday Boy decides to dial 617-867-5309. He then leaves a drunken rendition of this classic 80’s song on the answering machine of a Boston area plumbing and heating company.
   
3. A guy on the T has two stones. He shotguns a beer. In an act of protest, Knight Rider shotguns his beer, but does not quite finish. The guy with the Keystone Lights chastises Knight Rider for not completely finisihing his Bud Light...in an act of unity, a passenger who was inadvertently showered with Keystone Light says "what the hell?" and whips out a 40oz. he had in a paper bag and takes a swig. Dubbschism and Zeitgeist follow suit.
4. Knight Rider's unsuccessful attempts to sell a birthday Menage a Trois to a couple. Dejected, he is turned down by the large pig tail girl.
   
5. Armed with a tennis ball, another highlight of Knight Rider’s day is playing catch on Ipswich street.
   
6. Interesting Trivia about Knight Rider: Upon discussion of the classic video game Double Dragon and the hair grab knee move, discussion shifts to Street Fighter. Knight Rider admits that he once wore a green sweatsuit to emulate his idol, Ryu from the video game Street Fighter.
   
   
   Double Dragon on Parenting
   
   Today was the hottest day of the year thus far with mercury topping out in the low 90’s. Luckily our group was under the shade of the roof overhang. Witnessing a toddler in a stroller with his parents, Double Dragon states, “I don’t know much about parenting, but I know that’s not good. A jacket on a kid in 90 degree heat! That’s child abuse. Look the stroller doubles as a stretcher….” E.F states, “Yeah your kids will melt.”
   
   It is tough to see the game from the Pavilion standing room section today. Fans along the standing room railing are dug in like World War I Germans in trenches. It is tough to get a view of the action on the field. Due to the extreme heat by the mid 7th inning, there is a lot of open seats around us. Fans who could actually see the game are treated to dueling knuckleballers R.U.A. Dickey and Wakefield facing each other.
   Todays game seems to fly by. Maybe it is the fact that it was a 3:55 PM start or that we had missed the first couple innings. The length of the game is 2 hours and 45 minutes which seems short for such a high scoring affair. Stay tuned in a couple weeks for next update from E.F at Fenway.

Rasheed Wallace: Abominable Snow Monster?

During last night's Celtics playoff game the Ejected fan had a bit of a revelation. Detroit Piston, Rasheed Wallace resembles the Abominable Snow Monster from the claymation version of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. Wallace is an overacting ass. Maybe after the playoffs are over, Santa Claus can employ this bumble to put the star on top of the gigantic Christmas tree. GO CELTICS!!

Who Is Heidi Watney?

Well, since you asked...

Heidi Watney is the wicked hot new Sox reporter replacement for Tina Cervasio.

Here is what we know about Heidi so far: 

According to our friends at Red Sox Monster, she was let go from a FOX affiliate station in California for undisclosed reasons. I will not go into any rumors here. She was a sports reporter with Fox in San Fran. who followed last years Barry Bonds home run chase. Apparently, her agent came across the NESN spot and let her know about the opportunity here in Boston. She has been in the position for a few weeks and has done a pretty decent job. I am not sure exactly how much she knows about sports, but she is certainly more than mid-inning eye candy.
Yesterday I had the opportunity to chat live with Heidi Watney with about 40 other Sox fans over the interweb.

Here are the questions I asked:

ejectedfan (12:20): What would you define as the greatest sports moment of all time?
Heidi Watney (12:21): Right now, I'm still thinking about the Jon Lester no-hitter. There are so many great moments in sports it's really hard to pick one, but I really got caught up in the Red Sox run to the 2004 World Series, because of everything the franchise has been through. It was really special to witness history.

ejectedfan (12:25): Who is your favorite baseball player of all time?
Heidi Watney (12:26): Trevor Hoffman. He is a very nice, philanthropic man. And one of the greatest closers of all time. His class on the field and in the community is something everyone can admire.

ejectedfan (12:49): What band would you like to see play Fenway Park?
Heidi Watney (12:50): I like all kinds of music, but I really like Daughtry right now -- really I'd go see just about anyone!

This should give you a little bit of insight into Heidi. I am not really sure about her taste in music. Daughtry? Please. You can't lump American Idol into music you like, but it seems like the PC answer. Here is what else we know about Heidi: She was Miss San Diego. She graduated from university of San Diego in 2003. She is single, but claims to be "married to her job". Her cousin is professional golfer Nick Watney. Her father Mike coaches golf for Fresno State. She grew up rooting for the San Francisco Giants and is frustrated with the perfomance of Barry Zito as of late. Heidi participated in gymnastics, diving and cheer squad growing up, but claims to be uncoordinated. She enjoys being active and walking her dog, which she had to leave behind in California.

I think Watney is a great addtion to the NESN team and I look forward to seeing Heidi in Sox games for years to come. I think she has a stellar career ahead of her.

You can read the entire transcript from the chat on NESN.com.

Ryan Braun, this Bud’s for you! Sox Sweep Brewers: Game 1 of Doubleheader Game Report, 5/17/08 vs. Milwaukee Brewers

I want to start off by saying thank you to Ryan Braun for an awesome weekend against the Sox and incredible week overall for that matter. Braun helped propel one of my fantasy baseball teams into first place. Last week Braun hit .345 with 6 home runs and 10 RBI. Braun deserves every cent of his newly signed $45 million dollar contract. He was the NL Rookie of the Year last year and recently became the youngest player to reach 40 home runs. Last year he hit 35 homers in just 112 games. Thanks to interleague play, Sox fans got the opportunity to see this phenom perform early in his career. Braun is capable of doing some great things in his career. After the series against the Sox, Braun was quoted as saying that the Brewers did not expect to win in Boston. He also stated that their mental approach to the game needed to improve. An interesting fact that I came across about Braun is that this Brewers' mother is an actual brewer for Budweiser. It’s not Miller but still interesting tidbit.

I have always liked the Brewers. They had some hard nosed teams in the 80’s with the likes of All Stars: Rollie Fingers, Robin Yount, Paul Molitor and Cecil Cooper. They had some cool uniforms in the 80’s and they played in the AL East against the Sox on a regular basis. They have never won a World Series. I am drawn to teams like the Brewers, Nationals (Expos) and Mariners who have yet to win a championship. I was looking forward to this series against the Brew Crew.

Last night got rained out forcing the doubleheader today. It was a beautiful afternoon at America’s most beloved ballpark. dubbschism and Mudville were extremely late to today’s ball game. After Ortiz’s 3 run homer in the second inning, I descended from my standing room spot on top of the Pavilion down 10 ramp levels to Yawkey Way to deliver their tickets. This epic journey to deliver tardy fans their tickets was not a fun experience.

Debbie Downer
The last time I had Pavilion standing room, I was ejected from the ballpark. I am not sure if it is the atmosphere in the section or what, but the fans up here seem to have some serious emotional issues. During the fifth inning, I busted out my handy copy
of Mad Libs. In my search for applicable words, I came across a fan I have named Debbie Downer who was clearly bothered by Mad Libs. She states that she finds Mad Libs annoying. Debate ensues. I ask her “Is it the nouns, verbs, adverbs or adjectives?” She retorts, “Don’t get me started!” I have heard a lot of reactions to Mad Libs, but this was the first person that I discovered who was clearly annoyed. Debbie Downer would later participate in a 40+ year old bizzare circle dance. I found these strange dances and this fan’s attitude annoying.

Pink Shirt Fan
There is a guy who was part of a bachelor party who decided to wear a pink David Ortiz shirt that he is encouraging other fans to scribble on. I overhear him in the beer line that he is not actual the bachelor, but a friend of the bachelor. Basically he is overshadowing the guy who’s bachelor party it is. He makes his introduction to Mudville by kicking a beer cup in her general direction. Mudvilles retorts, "Jesus Fucking Christ." Apparently, he did not expect to elicit this response. Later in the evening I am dared to write I HATE FAGS! on Pink Shirt Fan’s shirt. dubbschism 1-ups me by writing “Felatio is for Virgins” on the guys shirt. Prior to us inscribing upon P.S.F’s shirt, he says "Please, no profanities."

A Foul Ball
About halfway through the game a foul is struck behind home plate in the hotel parking lot behind Van Ness Street under an ancient Chevy Lumina. dubbschism and I decide that after the game we will try to locate this baseball. After the game we locate the Chevy Lumina and there is no baseball to be found. Apparently someone was able to scoop the ball up before we got there. We were under the impression that it would be a difficult find unless you were on the street or in our location looking down on the steet, but that was not the case. I took notes as to the location of the baseball. Looking back my writing appears to be slurred.

Random Observations and Happenings

• If you buy a program for today’s game, you receive a “Gagne is a Yankee Spy” sticker. Gagne did not play during the entire Red Sox series. This guy should go back on HGH. It doesn’t just make you ugly.

• In a reference to Brewers pitcher outfielder Corey Hart, dubbschism states, “Ejected Fan wears his sunglasses at night.”


• There is a dimpled chad on EGD2’s All Star ballot. We are not sure if the 3rd NL Outfielder is Brian Giles or Kosuke Fukudome.


• Off-Track Betting: We have a bet on who will get the first put out of the inning. I pick Youkilis, dubb picks Jacoby Ellsbury and EGD2 picks Papelbon who is not even in the game. The ball is popped up to Ellsbury. Mudville follows a bird in flight, not the baseball.
  

• Rescue 911 at Little Steve’s Pizza: Hungry after the game, we head into Little Steve’s Pizza on Boylston Street. There is a Rescue 911 pinball machine based on the hit show from the 80’s. It includes real sound effects from William Shatner. Eerily, Shatner’s voice bellows “AIDS is Real”. This pinball machine got the most action since 1989.

I apologize for the brevity. There was a scarcity of real blogworthy material. Stay tuned for EjF’s expose on new Sox reporter Heidi Watney. Also stay tuned in late June for our concert series blog on the great American band Pearl Jam.

Semi-Irregular Jon Lester First Ballot HOF Update: Jon Lester NO HITTER!

Lester threw a no hitter!

Enough said.

This is number one of many.

Smarty Barrett will be kicked in the nuts in 20 years...

Is Lester More?

The 2008 Sox pitching staff may be looked upon 10 years from now as one of the best pitching staffs ever. Sure, it might not seem that way right now, but give it some time. Buchholz and Lester are both gaining experience on the major league stage. They could both easily blossom into 1st ballot Hall of Fame pitchers. Neither pitcher has had the debilitating outing that Yankee rookie pitcher Chase Wright had when he gave up four home runs in a row last year to the Sox. That sort of thing can really effect a young hurler's confidence.

Lester’s last two perfomances have been close to stellar: a near complete game against Halladay and 1 run performance against the Rays. Given these last 2 outings, I find it extremely difficult to recommend Lester be designated to AAA. In fact based on major league experience alone, I would rather see Lester remain a starter and Buchholz be sent to the bullpen to aid Bat Shit as a long reliever/spot starter. Lester can be a big game pitcher. Look at his performance against Halladay last week and also in game 4 of the 2007 World Series. He comes up big when it is on the line. I do feel however that his growth was stunted a bit in 2006 after Varitek went on the DL followed shortly thereafter by Lester’s diagnosis with cancer. I think Varitek catching these young pitchers can make all the difference in the world in their confidence levels to throw certain pitches to a good hitter. For these youngsters, pitching in the major leagues is about confidence in their abilities. I think Lester has this already.

Who knows what will happen if and when they bring up Fat Boy Colon. Let’s see how he does in his first start. If he sucks, drop his ass like a fantasy dud . I can’t see Colon going to the bullpen. Basically, the Sox are going to have to make a move with either Buchholz or Lester if they plan on bringing Colon up. What would be the big deal if you moved Buchholz to the bullpen? Yeah, they talk about pitcher’s rhythm and routine every 5th day, but come on already. Last year Brett Myers of the Phillies moved to the closer role midway through the season and then moved back to being a starter. It’s no big deal. Teams have to stop babying these pitchers, but at the same time the pitchers themselves have to know what their limits are. Is the net effect of adding Colon to the rotation going to benefit the Sox? Will it fuck up the rhythm these young pitchers have established? I don’t know. However, I feel that if they send Colon to the bullpen he will become the 2008 version of Eric Gagne.

Tres de Mayo: Sox exact revenge on a 'Team Formerly Known as the Devil Rays' at Fenway!Game Report, 5/3/08 vs. Tampa Bay Rays

The ejected fan starts the evening off solo at Who’s on First waiting for dubbschism and HzMLS. Who’s on First is a Yawkey Way bar that non-ticketed fans can enter through the alleyway on Brookline Ave. This is important because the ejected fan does not enjoy waiting in lines for bars; plus there is easy access to Fenway Park with no line from this bar.
Tonight is May 3rd - two days before Cinco De Mayo. In honor of Cinco de Mayo, Corona is giving out koozies that look like ponchos from Clint Eastwood’s The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. A Mariachi Band enters Who’s on First through the alleyway entrance and plays such hits as La Cucaracha and Tequila. Ejected fan has exclusive video footage.

In addition to being the third of May, it was a guy named Mook's 50th birthday party in the back of Who’s on First. Apparently he sucks, because a bunch of his friends go about getting autographs from pseudo-celebrities saying that Mook sucks. They even spent a great deal of time creating a flier with these “Mook Sucks” autographs.

By the time they get into the park and get to their seats, the Red Sox have scored 3 runs off James Shields. dubb buys corn on the cob and is eating at his seat. He bites into the cob and the juice from the kernels shoot five rows in front of us. The ejected fan hope no one in front of him has any food allergies. Luckily tonight Smarty Barrett sits in the gluten-free section of Fenway, otherwise known as the Alcohol-free left field grandstands. Smarty Barrett coins this part of the park “The Free Alcohol Zone” due to the smuggling of alcohol into this area.

Wagering at Fenway
A group of four bleacher creatures is running a (possibly illegal) gambling racket, taking bets on whether or not the baseball ends up on the dirt of the mound at the end of each inning. A chubby girl with curly hair seems to be the head bookie. The ejected fan inquires about getting in on this action, but is denied on the pretext that his group is not in their row. dubbschism, HzMLS, and ejf start their own wager on which player will return to the dugout first upon completion of the inning: Lowell, Manny or Jacoby. Manny would have been first but he stopped to light up a joint on his way back to the dugout.

Towards the end of the evening the betting degrades to determining the age of a random Cougar in a white Patriots jacket, about 15 rows in front of us. The ejected fan is encouraged by the bettors to ask her what her age is. (Please note this is not something that ejf would typically ask a woman; however, in the interests of this blog it had to be done.) As it turns out the Cougar was 54 years of age. Upon hearing this, one of the bettors in his mid-twenties shouts “I would take her home with me!”

Pete Rose would be proud of such speculation.

The Mad Clown
During the second inning of the ballgame, we encounter a fan who is blocking our view of the field. He would later be dubbed the Mad Clown due to his obnoxious joker-like laugh. After 2 minutes of viewing the mad clown's back, dubbschism shouts MOVE! Apparently this did not gain favor in this mad jester’s court.

Later in the game, the Mad Clown would get all hot and bothered by the talk of betting. He relays a story of his own about his own enjoyment of a good wager:

Mad Clown: HA HA HA HA HA! (Regarding HzMLS, ejf and dubb's bet)
HA HA HA HA HA!
HzMLS: HA HA HA HA HA!
Mad Clown: I went to the ultrasound of my 3rd child. HA HA HA HA HA!
And I tried to bet my father in law on whether he would be a boy or a girl. Cuz I’m a bettin' man….. HA HA HA HA HA!
He could’ve bet that he was a boy and won $500, but he is not a bettin’ man! HA HA HA HA HA!

<----MAD CLOWN

Notable Ejections:

• During the 3rd inning a blow-up doll lands in the ejected fan's lap. In a shameless attempt at Guerrilla marketing, the ejected fan takes his pen and writes the blog address for The Ejected Fan on this poor girl and bounces her down to next row. Later, security wraps a towel around her and escorts her off the premises. According to Sports Illustrated, Fenway Park ranks poorly with regards to promotions. Giving out free blow-up dolls clad only in red socks to the first 1000 fans would be a hit and could change SI’s perceptions. Fans would have a blast bouncing them around the bleachers. Girls Gone Wild could sponsor this. Larry Lucchino, if you a reading this, please take this under advisement.


• A guy runs on the field during Sweet Caroline. Security tackles the fan HARD. Fans in the bleachers look on in amazement. Chris Tucker yells, “You got knocked the fuck out!”

Who is Debbie Marsh?

After the game, we meet up with our old friend Jumpstreet at the Baseball Tavern. Jumpstreet and the ejected fan use our copy of Mad Libs as an ice breaker to start conversations with members of the opposite sex. One contestant on Mad Libs was turned on from her erotic verbalization of such words as pulsating and nipple clamps. During our Mad Libs tour, we are in dire need of a plural noun. We stop an older, heavyset, ostensibly intoxicated woman as she is meandering through the tavern and ask her for one. She stares blankly into the distance for a moment, then exclaims "Red Sox!!" dubbschism notes her Colorado Rockies earrings and asks, "why not the Rockies?" Amazed by his seemingly psychic ways, the woman turns to dubb with wide eyes and says, "That's my other team!" Jumpstreet asks the woman why she's in the baseball tavern.

Rockies Earing Lady: Oh this is a Northeastern graduation party. I'm Debbie Marsh's mom.
Jumpstreet: (seemingly understanding) Oh.
REL: Yeah that's why there are so many sorority girls here.
dubbschism: (clearly NOT understanding) who is Debbie Marsh?!?
REL: (points to drunk girl in corner) That's her in the corner!

So Debbie Marsh is a Northeastern graduate. This is just not as important to the writers of this blog as it is to Debbie Marsh's mom. However, what IS important to the writers of this blog is that about 45 minutes after our first encounter with Debbie Marsh's mom, Debbie Marsh's mom takes a drunken tumble and lands on dubbschism. I will leave it to dubb and Jumpstreet to facebook Debbie Marsh and regal her with embarrassing tales of her inebriated mother.

Notable Observations:

• James Shields is a Fantasy Stud. Does that sound gay?

• Jacoby Ellsbury has a new signature song as he comes to bat -“Cherub Rock” by Smashing Pumpkins. This choice by Jacoby could be due to the recent fame this song has received from Guitar Hero 3.

• There is a guy with an Intel backpack on. I ask HzMLS “Do you think he has Intel inside?” HzMLS responds, “No, just weed.”

• Regarding Rays Player Dioner Navarro, a fan asks “Is he related to Dave Navarro?”

• These Sox fans with turbans crafted from Red Sox promotional giveaway Sox blankets...

• There is a girl with an Insoxicated Shirt on. On this shirt one of symptoms is that you have the urge to eat sushi every fifth day. Our very own dubbschism is experiencing this same symptom almost daily. ejf has decided that he will need to have dubbschism’s mercury levels in his blood tested prior to being permitted to blog again.
• Stay Tuned May 17th for the Sox game against the Brew Crew… Also there may be an update on ejf’s position on Jon Lester.... Tina Cervasio's blonde replacement will also be the subject of a future post.

I AM A PATRIOT, You are not! Patriots Day 2008Game Report, 4/21/08 vs. Texas Rangers

Our Marathon Monday Trek to Fenway Park starts off at 9:30 AM on the roof deck of the famed Baseball Tavern. I chug beer while Zeitgeist downs Pineapple Juice with Rum to follow up his morning Caucasian Coffee. It’s a beautiful day and what better place to enjoy it than on top of a roof deck behind Fenway? It is the perfect excuse to get trashed prior to the noon bell.

We exit the Baseball tavern at about 10:40 and head to CVS so that Zeitgeist may purchase smokes. As we pass Ramrod's, Zeitgeist exclaims “Damn! Ramrod’s is closed!” to the chagrin of passersby. There is a face painting and balloon making clown at the entrance of CVS. She seems very nice, but has no customers and not exactly an outgoing personality. I tell her that I am too old to participate in her activities, which lets her down a great deal. She attempts to solicit other fans outside of CVS, but to no avail. This CVS has about as much traffic as a whore house after a syphilis epidemic.

As we continue towards the park to Gate B, we encounter a man named Curry. I'm pretty sure he is homeless. Curry has a traffic cone that he uses as a megaphone. Currently he is expounding on the greatness of sausage from the sausage vendor near gate B. Zeitgeist teaches him Italian, “Il Migiliore Salsaice,” and Curry then yells this through the megaphone. The fans in the general area have WTF looks on their faces. By the way, what the hell is up with HE-MAN sized version Ted Williams statue outside of Gate B? I can understand a statue, but why not make it real looking? It is reminiscent of the Second Generation Star Wars figures where they some how try to make Mark Hamill look like Lou Ferrigno.

There are some many beautiful scantily clad women throughout the park today. The biggest buzzkill of the day happens when two incredibly hot chicks sit next to the ejected fan. As it turns out many times in the bleachers at Fenway, they are confused and are supposed to be in section 38, not 37. I toy with the idea of sending Biggs and Dak to section 38 in exchange for these two beautiful specimens.

Zeitgeist is in rare form today - certainly the most intoxicated I have seen him in a while. He is also a stalker with his newly purchased Olympus 5X Zoom Camera. Zeitgeist proceeds to take ass shots of random women throughout the ballpark on "cuisine" setting. Thankfully Zeitgeist fails to get a picture of this larger chick in front of us with a Papelbon shirt. When I say "chick," I'm just being politically correct because this Papelbon fanatic only loosely resembles a woman. During the 3rd inning her shirt rides up to reveal the most disgusting use of a G-String I have seen in my lifetime.

The game got out of hand early for the visiting team and forced us to go smoking on Yawkey way. Zeitgeist had just purchased a new Cooperstown Collection Sox Cap from the Souvenir store. This cap appears to be similar to most other Sox caps except for the exceptional circumference. Fans on Yawkey way proceed to get photos of themselves in this monsterous melon cover. One fan exclaims “I can bail out a boat with this,” while another states “Dude, I got an XL hat on” as he wears one cap on top of the other.

There were a couple of firsts of the season at today's ballgame. We see the first successful Wave at Fenway this season. I guess it had to get warm enough before the wave would appear. We also witness the first appearance of the season for the Manny Delcarmen Bullpen band. The MDC band played some funky African rhythms. Had The Professor been there today, he would have thoroughly enjoyed.

A few notable random observations from today’s game:

• As I make the journey from Yawkey way back to the bleachers through the grandstand section of Fenway, this girl runs up to the top rail of the grandstands in section 4 and does a flip over the railing. I am pretty certain she has hurt herself when I see this happen. Amazingly, she lands in a seat unscathed with all vertebrae intact. I asked her friend what she calls this acrobatic feat and she says “The JESSICA SUPER REVERSE CLOUGH!”



• This chick entering Gate B of Fenway says in the thickest Dorchester/Southie Accent: “THIS IS BOOOOOSTON!!!!” After hearing that, I know it is gonna be a good day.
  


• These fans behind me look like the Gottis…They proceed to razz a confused fan with an LA Dodgers hat and Brewers Ryan Braun jersey. Yet another fan who is confused and very non-committal, he states he is a fan of baseball and shows them his Sox jacket.

To be continued... Stay Tuned for our next update from Fenway on May 3rd....

Manny being MAN-RAM!!Game Report, 4/19/08 vs. Texas Rangers

I am going to start off by saying that I don’t have enough material for a blog this evening. However, Smarty Barrett and I did bring our handy blog notebooks so that we wouldnt misremember any events of the evening. Maybe it’s the fact that I was too drunk or that my gut tells me there was not enough notable events that happened. In addition I was really pissed when we arrived at the Rattlesnake and I realized that I had misremembered my copy of mid-game entertainment, Adult Mad Libs.

I am thoroughly socially lubricated by the time we finish the walk to Fenway from Rattlesnake to arrive 20 minutes after the game's start. This is a long walk up Boylston, down Ipswich and then down to Gate C on Landsdowne street. We should have taken the T, but my stubbornness forces this longer inefficient journey.

The South African Perspective on Baseball
We have a last minute scratch to our lineup due to frustration and traffic around Fenway. So we invite a South African known as The Professor. Being a righteous American, I don’t know what sports they play in South Africa, nor do I really care. Although I think they like cricket.
Before getting to the game, The Professor states “You can’t blame me if I fall asleep.” Obviously, he has as much respect for the sports we enjoy in this country as I would if put in the opposite position. During mid game, I further inquire with The Professor for his perspective on baseball. He states “I think there is enough beer at the stadium to make it interesting.” I ask him to compare baseball to cricket. The Professor exclaims, “It is just as boring as cricket, but at least in cricket the guys don’t wear tight pants.”

This game was far from boring. I make the journey to the upper bleachers to check in with Smarty Barrett. In my drunken state, only one event stands out as noteworthy - Manny’s 496th home run. During this monster blast, I guess I somehow manage to kick over HzMLS's beer. Manny saves the day again this week with this mammoth round tripper. No matter what anyone says about Manny’s quirks, he is one of the greatest right handed hitters to have ever played the game and thankfully, he is on the Sox.

Smarty Barrett and HzMLS’s upper bleacher seats are right next to the Dunkin Dugout. I kid with them earlier inquiring “How is the Dunkin Dugout?” As much as I might kid about the Dunkin Dugout, it is a very worthy pursuit. Tonight the Plummer Home for Boys in Salem, MA give 24 tickets to their under-privileged boys to take in the game in this section at Fenway. Please note: Smarty Barrett and HzMLS were not actually in the Dunkin Dugout. They do have Dunkin Donuts shirts on that were 3 sizes too big. And yes, this is proof that America (or at least Massachusetts) really does run on Dunkin.

Some other notable random observations from last nights game:

• The Bruins win and fans break into a USA chant at the game. A fan with a Habs jersey is razzed; The Professor has profound misgivings about whether or not to join along in the chant.
  
• The fans behind me sound like dying Tauntauns.


• There is a guy with a Titleist cap with the Yankees logo on the side. This guy is gay to be that non-committal to his team.


• There was a bachelorette party at the park. This “Red Sox Bride” has a Sox tattoo on her face. I find bachelor or bachelorette parties at Fenway to be rather boring. Go to a strip club or something....


• A fan screams out “Botts smells like butts!”


• This guy in a Varitek jersey in front of us with earrings in both ears tries to start the wave. Extreme gayness ensues. (To our readers: what is the male equivalent of a Vari-dyke?)
  
• A fan in section 38 has a sign that says "JACOBY’S BIGGEST FAN." This “Windtalking” Navajo has certainly become the crush of many a teenage girl around the park.
  

I apologize to readers for peddling brevity. I will have more on Marathon Monday as the Red Sox take on the Texas Rangers for the final game of the series. Stay tuned.

Sox are Rubber Game Winners thanks to a little KY: ESPN Game of the Week!Game Report, 4/13/08 vs. New York Yankees

We start our evening off at the famous Legal Seafood Restaurant at the Prudential. As far as this internet publication is concerned, Legals is the best seafood restaurant in the world. Jumpstreet orders Lobster bake. The waitress offers to put his bib on for him. After initially declining, he gives in and subsequently finds himself attracted to her bib-fitting skills. In a show of manliness, he fails to finish his meal. Approximately $15 worth of shellfish remain. The bib would remain on Jumpstreet for most of the evening as a badge of honor.
Zeitgeist orders 3 samples of port. As he sips the port, he decides to take a photograph for our readers. Zeit's camera has several different settings - auction, document, cuisine, etc. He demonstrates the various settings by taking several shots with Port as the subject. Below is a photo of port on auction mode. I would place top bid for that.

A hot waitress stands next to Jumpstreet while she takes the order at another table. Jumpstreet turns, spies her buttocks, and exclaims “Oh Boy.” Zeitgeist suggests taking a photo. Jump agrees with the stipulation that the “cuisine” setting should be used.

Tonight is Rich Gedman Bobblehead night at Fenway. The first 15,000 fans in attendance tonight receive a Rich Gedman Bobblehead doll thanks to sponsor Girls Gone Wild. These highly sought after bobbleheads have already appeared on Ebay for an asking price of $300 plus. On a side note Girls Gone Wild is heavily promoting their new Girls Gone Wild: “Finally 18” DVDs. GGW have invested in new advertisement space on the Green Monster for this promotion.

HzMLS’s experience at fenway was significantly upgraded when a beautiful youg coed sits down next to him. Most likely a talent from Girls Gone Wild, HzMLS adds that she smells heavenly. The women to our left are hit upon by an extremely drunk man who tries to pick them up with stories of diaper changes and a sore colon (not to be confused with the Red Sox disabled list, which also contains a sore Colon).

The discussion of the night turns to Conigliaro’s Corner, the scene of recent gang style stabbings. Beware of this section of Fenway after dark. A fan was thrown off the top of Congliaro’s corner during the second game of the season, reminiscent of the death of Maude Flanders in the heart touching Simpsons Episode: Alone Again, Natura-Diddly. Fans can thank Jumpstreet for making several arrests and a sweep of the area during the seventh inning stretch.

The highlight of the evening was HzMLS viewing of an interesting text from a guy who was seated directly in front of him. The text said “that’s for later. the ky is on the nightstand and ready.”

Earlier in the evening the ejected fan purchased a copy of Mad Libs. We proceed to start the vociferous word game using such nouns as: nightstands, ecstasy beads, wiffle ball bat and sphincter…. The gentleman in front of us feigned being unphased by our display of vocabulary. The KY man left shortly there after to start his own "rubber* game" in the alligator lagoon*. This is the copy of Mad Libs for your enjoyment from the game last evening.

Some other interesting observations from last nights game:
ESPN SIGN that would have been more appropriate on Native American Night :
ELLSBURY:
SPEED
POWER
NAVAJO

Whitney Houston is in attendance in the bleachers. Following shortly behind her is Frank Farmer and Bobby Brown. It appears that Bobby has spent most of her fortune, however she is still nicely dressed for the bleacher section at Fenway.

There is a girl with a Rhinestone “BLING” Cap on who proceeds to spill her beer, drenching ½ dozen fans in front of her. Holding her beer at a 45 degree angle, she announces, “I smoke a lot of weed!” She begins a cell phone conversation, and HzMLS bets that she will drop her cell phone. 2 seconds later the cell phone falls to the cement below.

Mathematician dubbschism uses an advanced mathematic equation to accurately determine the attendance at Fenway Park. Or maybe he just guessed, “IT‘S C!!”

The Ejected Fan purchased a bag of Cracker Jack. The prize inside was a retarded version of a “Mad Fold In” with a history lesson worthy of the Dunkin Dugout.

A fan in front of us posits that “Molina” is Spanish for "catcher." Every team has a Molina.

All in all, Sunday's game was decent. The other KY went 2-3 with 2 RBIs to help the cause. A-Rod went 0-5. What more could you ask for? See you next week…..

*Warning: KY Jelly will deteriorate latex.

ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE: Sox/Yanks - Everybody Wang Chung Tonight! (Native American Night at Fenway) Game Report, 4/11/08 vs. New York Yankees

In order to respect my readers, I must get ejected from Fenway Park at least once this season. Last night the Ejected Fan ran into a few fans who were in fact ejected from the ballpark. We will have more on these fans later in the piece. Fenway Park Security has made the ejection process easier and more efficient with a new security hotline - a 617-XXX-XXXX number that one can call to report an incident. dubbschism comes up with an idea to stage an ejection with the security hotline. Stay tuned in future blogs as we work on the logistics of this ejection plan.

The fun starts at Cornwall’s, a more low-key bar on Comm Ave. Relocated from the other side of Kenmore Square during the late 90’s, it is a great place to grab grub before the game. Midway through our dinner on the front porch, a light rain starts to fall. Zoe states “If it rains and it gets rained out, I am getting really drunk!” Luckily for our sake it was a light rain. There is a Matt Clement look- alike sitting across from us. dubbschism claims that I am a pussy for not taking his picture for this blog. The waitress is referred to as “Hokey Pokey” by Zoe because of her snail's pace service of our food and drink requests. Much to Zoe's chagrin, we meet up with the waitress in the post-game Cask N Flagon line, at which point I tell her, "Zoe says you were Hokey Pokey."…And it rained…And that happened.

We have Right Field “Budweiser” roof deck standing room for the opening game of this Yankees-Sox series. It is rainy, windy, and cold. Management should install portable propane heaters on the roof deck for the first couple months of the season. John Henry, if you are reading this, please take this under strong consideration.

For anyone who has not had the opportunity to be on the roof deck, I will sort of explain the situation with these tickets. Basically you have 2 options: You can buy a $500 table for four that gets you very own waiter or waitress. Or you can spend $30 and obtain a standing room ticket. I refer to the first option as “emotional spending,” especially on a rainy night like tonight. With the waitress option you can order beer, peanuts, pizza etc. Not exactly the type of food that you need valeted. Tonight, one table orders a pizza with extra rain. dubb attempts to flag down a waitress to order beer, but is shot down quickly and told the service is only for those in the seats. (For the record, dubb states, "I don't care, the raspberry vodka I poured from my flask into my $18 hot chocolate was well worth the paranoia of getting caught bringing alcohol into the park.")

We start to interview a teacher from Maine. At her request for anonymity we will refer to the place that she lives only as East Bumfuck. It took her over 5 ½ hours to make the journey to Boston for tonight's game. We ask our teacher friend the question that we left our readers with last week: You can induce a ground ball, a pregnancy, but what else? She offers “Isn’t there a drug that you induce pregnancies with?” Zoe offers that during her 18-hour ordeal she used the drug Pitocin. Another fan erroneously attempts to spell the word.

Our teacher fan also offers another tidbit of information about tonights game: little did we know it was Native American night at the ballpark. I can find no information to corroborate this. However, lets just say it was Native American night at Fenway; neither Jacoby Ellsbury or Joba Chamberlain (both Native Americans) play in tonight's game. We do the tomahawk chop and chant during the seventh inning stretch to honor our Native American brethren. Later in the evening, dubb and I exchange headdresses.

I will say it was another showcase game for Coco Crisp. We asked fans for a few more attributes that scouts should know about Coco Crisp. These include:

*Speed
*Aggressive with women
*Defensive ability; e.g. spectacular catch at the end of Game 7 of the 2007 ALCS (amongst others)
*Has cereal was name after him
*Unfocused (owns a record label)

...And it rained...And that happened.

Our focus shifts to Jose Molina, catcher for the New York Yankees. A fan asks, “Aren’t there three Molina brothers?” There are actually four Molina brothers: Jose, Bengie, Yadier and Miguel. The fourth Molina brother, Miguel Molina, is also a catcher for the Toledo Mudhens. I was unable to locate any statistics on Miguel. I will say this: he is one of the top rated minor league catchers. The Red Sox should make a strong push to put a package together with the Detroit Tigers to acquire this stellar catching prospect.

Towards the end of the seventh inning we move to another section of the ballpark, the new(as of last year) Jordan’s Furniture 3rd base deck. After the fourth Red Sox pitcher, all hell breaks loose! A fight erupts on the stairwell of the Jordan’s deck.

We were there to capture this amazing video.

Apparently, this squabble started when husband would not allow his wife to participate in the Jordan’s Monster Sweep promotion.

Notable Ejections:

From a Sox fan on the T: “The craziest little drunk 120 lb asshole with a Yankee Jersey and a NY Giants hat in Section 39 gets into a fight with a 220 lb guy with a Celtics Cap and a Sox Jersey. The guy with the Celtics cap literally murdered this guy! He tells the smaller guy, 'I don’t mind a Yankee shirt, but the Giants hat makes me want to kick your ass!' Security escorts the scrawny yankee fan off with his home computer made fake ID.”

I go to utilize the ATM on the grand concourse. There is a fan that is stumbling drunk around the concourse and pulls a tablecloth off a nearby table. I have recreated the path of this stumbling drunk as Security catches and escorts him from the premises.

A Yankee fan was ejected from the Left Field Grandstand No Alcohol section. He was quoted as saying, “I was at the game. I had Bacardi in a water bottle. I had nips in my hoodie. I got kicked

out. WooooooHHHH!!”


After the game, we head to the dreaded Cask N Flagon. The line after the game is long as usual. dubb's former roommate sends a text from inside, “I anticipate a mass exodus from the Cask.” This report turns out to be grossly overstated. Once inside the Cask, we head to the nightclub section of the bar. There is a real wannabe on stage with ripped jeans and sunglasses trying to pretend he is a good dancer. We confront dubb's old roommate on his response to the pornographic pictures that we were sent from an unidentified phone. He earlier texted, “I know who you are, asshole. If you send me nasty shit like that again you will fucking regret it. That is a promise.” He brushes us off. Little did he know that he sent that message to a chick.

Outside of the Cask, in a display of athletic prowess, a few of the people that were dancing inside the bar attempt to “Grab Rim” (i.e. touch the top of the Cask’s awning). The first guy jumps and touches the awning. The second guy slips and smacks his head on the pavement.

On the Green line heading home, another battle erupts. I get between the two guys who are about to throw down. The smaller of the two seems to be instigating this when in reality, later on, we find out it is the other way around. The smaller guy takes a swing and slaps the bigger guy. Everybody pretty much gets off and goes their separate ways at the next stop. We trail the taller guy on to the next train and he fails to provide The Ejected Fan with a meaningful interview. He realizes that he doesn’t know where he is or where is going and leaves the train station in a huff and blames us for the distraction. He wouldn't even take our business card! (a.k.a. a piece of paper with a handwritten URL on it)

We meet up with the shorter guy and his entourage at another stop and they actually turn out to be alright. Possibly, they may even become future readers of The Ejected Fan.

**On a side note, the Yankees did win and Wang pitched a decent game, but the Yankees still suck!

Opening Day 2008: The Vindication of Bill BucknerGame Report, 4/8/08 vs. Detroit Tigers

I would like to start this blog off by saying I am by no means professional. The fans behind me at Fenway on Opening Day thought that I was a professional reporter for a very small newspaper. The purpose of this blog is to report upon my experiences at Fenway Park throughout the season. The goal of this blog is to entertain me and sometimes others.

There is something to be said about Spring and Opening Day. Hope certainly does spring eternal. We start our journey at the Cask N Flagon. (Rated by ESPN magazine as the number 2 sports bar in the country.) Double Dragon and I arrive at the Cask at 9 AM in order to secure a highly coveted table. We quip that the Cask should auction their tables off on game day like green monster seats.

The view from our table overlooks the Gate E entrance to Fenway Park. This would be of particular attention to the crowd in the Cask and around the ballpark because near this gate was the door that would receive the championship trophies under wraps as well as the Bruins and Celtic players. Teddy Bruschi has become the obligatory participant of these sorts of ceremonies as commonplace as a blue hair at bingo. In addition to the players and championship trophies, the frozen corpse of Nelson De la Rosa was escorted under wraps into Fenway Park through the special door, originally slated to be part of the opening day ceremonies but unfortunately for the fans at Fenway this was scrapped at the last minute due to time constraints.

Double Dragon is the only person in the bar without a Red Sox cap on. He wears a blue and white dodgers cap to distinguish himself from the other bandwagon Sox fans. Our waitress comments that we lack excitement. Double Dragon states that he will feign excitement for the duration of time so that he may change her mind.

All hell breaks loose after our third pitcher of beer. I head to the bathroom to take a piss and find that the bathroom is closed and I am sent to the bathroom in the night club section “Oliver’s”. As I walk to the bathroom I see a huge 20 foot puddle of water on the floor. Someone states that the toilet has backed up and that is what was on the floor. By the time I make it into line for the john, the line is 50 men deep. Fuck, I have never had to piss this bad in my life. It was worse than when I waited in line for the pisser at the old Foxboro stadium. This guy in line next to me yells, “My eyes are turning yellow.” I have decided that I am not pre-gaming at the Cask again. I have decided to refer to this incident as the black water scandal. John Henry was somehow responsible for the backup of the toilets in order to drive fans into Fenway Park to increase concession revenue.

We enter Fenway Park in a very unconventional manner - through the back door entrance of Who’s On First. As I enter the park, Larry Lucchino walks past me. I shout “Larry!” and I get a nice wave from Mr. Lucchino. Larry and I go way back . We met last summer at the Fishermen’s feast in the North End when my friend Ryan’s uncle creeped him out when he told him, “FUCK the CUBS!”
The journey to the bleachers through the grandstand tunnels sucks because of the crowds... The last time I made the journey through these tunnels, I had the privilege of witnessing a dejected Cleveland Indians team leaving Fenway Park after game 7 of the ALCS.

The new bleacher seats are HALF ASS. Literally, you can fit half of the average size ass in theses seats. They seem to be even smaller and more uncomfortable than the old bleachers. The bleacher section has been renamed the Fung Wah section of Fenway Park. Although, Fung Wah boasts a larger seat and more leg room even with the elderly Asian lady sitting on your lap… A flaming Fung Wah bus followed the DHL vans deliver the rings as part of the ring ceremony.

There are some other new additions to Fenway. The Coke bottles have been replaced with twin giant syringes. Fenway park presents the BALCO (in Conjunction with Charles MGH) Wisterol section of seating. Thank you, Double Dragon, for pointing out this new feature at the olde ballpark.

All in all the ring ceremony was rather boring… Dice-K and Varitek are busy playing catch while the rings are being handed out. The ceremony was overshadowed by Fenway Park’s very own attack Hawk. My attention is transferred to the hawk, when it swoops down with a severed finger in its beak. During the jet fly over, the hawk plucked Johnny Pesky in his talons and brought him to his nest. (Click on the link at the end of this entry to see video of the Johnny Pesky attack). The Attack Hawk killed 3 fans and 3 players in opening ceremonies alone. Bryan Corey and Devern Hansack were among the dead. I believe the death toll during the game rose to 18 by the end of the 8th inning. It was like a lunch date with Grendel.

I have to say that Bill Buckner throwing out the first pitch was a special moment for true fans. Finally, Buckner had his day. He can now move on. As a Sox fan this is proof that the organization has truly come around 360 degrees…

Given that this is the first game of the season, there are some rumors about who will play Fenway Park this season. Here are my top five guesses:

1. Devo
2. Taylor Dane (not to be confused with adult star Taylor Rain)
3. NKOTB
4. Bronson Arroyo
5. Soft Cell

Here are some other random observations regarding fans at the game….

• A random fan yells "Birdman" at his buddy walking up the stairs. Truth be told, Birdman does look like a bird. He explains “it’s a college nickname” as he spills $3.50 worth of beer on himself.
  
• There is a fat kid in a Pudge jersey watching the game through binoculars. I find this to be an enigma because he was actually watching himself through those binoculars.
  
• If you have bald head you will probably get a sun burn today.
  
• Dustin Pedroia Jerseys and Pink hats are the new fan favorite.
  
• Definition: Vari-Dyke: Butch Lesbian in a Varitek Shirt. dubbschism's preferred definition: "A lesbian who makes exceptions for one man, and one man only."
  
• Me (regarding one half of a "modern" couple in front of us): It's not like that.
  dubbschism: Yeah it is. Mostly it's his Freddy Mercury 'stache.

Yes, there was a baseball game today. It was a well pitched game by Dice-K, but you can get that from the NESN or from other websites… However I will leave you with some baseball…

• Brandon Inge cannot play 3B, CF, C or BB
  
• Today was a Coco Crisp Showcase game. Here are some things baseball scouts need to know about Coco :

1. Can Get RBIs
2. Has entourage with 3 Hummers
3. Has pick for his hair
   

• Lastly I will leave you with a question. You can induce a pregnancy, and a ground ball. What else can you induce?

Pesky Attack Video

If You're Reading This Blog...

dubb: well what if he walked to the T, took it to south station, and then got on an amtrak train back to his home in philadelphia?

ejectedfan: then i would fucking kill him.