Semi-Irregular Miguel Tejada Home Run Update

today's date: 08/08/08
Miggy's current HR total: 11
Miggy's projected HR total, should he keep up this pace: 16
probability that the ejected fan wins my $20, unscrupulously puts it in a Roth IRA with hopes of the principal maturing into the approximately $6,000* it would cost him for reconstructive surgery so as to look like Eddie Vedder, then spends the $6,000 on reconstructive surgery so as to look like Eddie Vedder: 15%
probability that the ejected fan would get recontructive surgery so as to look like Eddie Vedder, if he had the money to spend regardless of Miggy's 2008 HR stats: 97%.



*i calculated this number using a complex algorithm involving costs of various plastics surgeries people have undergone in an effort to emulate their favorite celebrities. the actual cost would be $6,124. it's accurate.

Changing of the guard: 3rd game with new comer Jason Bay in left field. Sox Complete Sweep of A’s

I want to start off by saying that this blog is evolving. Over these summer months, it has become a bit of a chore to sit in front of the computer and recap the events of a particular game. Next year The Ejected Fan will evolve into a more inspired effort. EF will only blog when truly inspired. This will keep things fresh with less of a homework type feel.

By Sunday, the drama of Manny Ramirez had long since run its course like a sort of unavoidable car crash. After the Manny Ramirez demolition derby, the Sox were left with a capable All Star left fielder in Jason Bay. The sentiment among fans was similar to that of the Nomar trade from ’04. Look at what happened to the Sox after that. Bay had already come up big in his first two games on the Sox and would continue that trend today. In the first inning, Bay made a nice throw to second to throw out a runner trying to stretch a single into a double.

Sunday was the ejected fan’s birthday. In honor of EF’s birthday, in a collective effort, Smarty Barrett and Dubbschism purchased Green Monster, Standing Room Tickets for this game. I decided earlier in the week that I would get to the game when the gates open so that I could witness batting practice from atop the green monster. Unfortunately, only the Oakland A’s would take BP today. Frank Thomas is the only formidable hitter on the A’s. He had some real “Monster” jacks during BP. Some balls were crushed over everything. However, the “Big Hurt” would not fare so well in the actual game going 0-4.

Eddie Vedder Fan

I was a bit tired from the previous two days of seeing Eddie Vedder at the Boston Opera House. I hope to have more about these shows in a future blog. I had my EV concert shirt on that I purchased on Friday when I saw another fan on the monster sporting an Evil Knievil Eddie shirt. I asked him if he had gone to the shows and we got to discussing Pearl Jam for the next hour or so. We discussed the fact that Vedder was even responsible for getting Jason Bay to the All Star team in 06. This fan had traveled all the way from California to see these couple shows at the Opera House and was now taking in a game solo from the green monster seats. Few things bring people together like sports and good music...

$160 Monster Seats for $30
Dubbschism, Veruca Salt and Smarty Barrett were extremely late for the game due to their previous 9 inning engagement. Barrett was forced to stand outside the gates of Fenway waiting for Dubb to deliver his ticket. Despite Dubbschism’s crew being extremely late for the game, the Ejected Fan managed to secure front row seats on the green monster for the late comers by digging into the trenches early. The face value of these front rowgreen monster seats is $160. We only paid $30 each for our SRO tickets. How could a sox fan not show up to the game after paying $160 per ticket? It just doesn’t make any sense.

Weather Report
It was interesting weather on Sunday Afternoon. It was a microcosm of the weather we have been experiencing in Boston throughout this summer.. It was a mixture of Sun and puffy cumulus clouds. It was hot atop the monster in the direct sun. By the time the late crew arrived in the fourth inning or so, it started to rain, gradually raining harder and then finally stopping and giving way to a rainbow. Later in the game we would be interrupted by rain again from another quick moving thundershower leading to a 20 minute rain delay. We were quickly ushered off the monster for fear of lightning.

This was the first game in a while that I was completely sober for. Because of the hard sun and having already abused my liver the last couple of nights, I opted for not consuming alcohol today. Not to be like Fun Bobby from Friends, but I felt a bit less inspired and a little less fun going to a ball game without drinking. The Sox completed the sweep of the A’s, but they have an interesting path ahead of them in their quest to reach the playoffs. I will leave you with some random observations and quips from Sunday’s game. Stay tuned for my next blog report which has evolved to encompass some of the places and events (Pearl Jam etc) of my summer vacation.

Random Observations and Quips

A fan is holding a MANNY WHO? Sign

A’s Pitcher, Huston Street should change his name to Hudson Street and then move there

Ejected Fan yells to A’s left fielder and known HGH user Jack Cust, “ Hey, HGH didn’t work for you!”, Followed by “HGH makes you uglier!”

The kid guest announcer pronounces Jed Lowrie as “Jet” Lowrie over the Fenway loudspeaker. Is Jet Lowrie related to George Jetson?

Who needs Oritz and Manny when you have Bay and Lowrie? Bay and Lowrie are the best RBI combination since Gehrig and Ruth.

The Ejected Fan caps off his day by yelling down to Jason Bay, “ Wear your Red Sox Onesie!”

You Were Exactly Wrong

Gordon Edes reported earlier today that the Manny to the Dodgers deal was dead.

Dubb, he said, have I got a little story for you
You thought that they would trade Manny? You're nothin' but a...
While you were checkin' boston.com at 3:13
I said they had stopped tryin'
Sorry it was misleadin'
But my source was wrong

Oh lies, oh, they're still alive
Hey, lies, oh, they're still alive
Hey lies, oh, they're still alive
Hey, oh

Oh, they talked on, about a young man's tools
They said they're ready to move

I didn't think the Sox would ever land Jason Bay
But look, look
Oh, trade Man Ram
How? I can't see, it's not fair!

Lies, they're still alive
Hey lies, but, they're still alive
Hey lies, boy, they're still alive
Hey lies, lies, they're still alive, yeah
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, oh

Is something wrong, he said
Well of course there is
They're still alive, he said
Oh, you believe him over me?
Is that the question?
And if so, trade LaRoche! For a cancer! Clubhouse cancer!

Lies, oh, they're still alive
Hey lies, oh, they're still alive
Hey lies, but, they're still alive
Yeah lies, oh, they're still alive
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

FutureMr.EddieVedder

Randomly found this picture of the Ejected Fan on my computer today...

Ryan Braun, this Bud’s for you! Sox Sweep Brewers: Game 1 of Doubleheader Game Report, 5/17/08 vs. Milwaukee Brewers

I want to start off by saying thank you to Ryan Braun for an awesome weekend against the Sox and incredible week overall for that matter. Braun helped propel one of my fantasy baseball teams into first place. Last week Braun hit .345 with 6 home runs and 10 RBI. Braun deserves every cent of his newly signed $45 million dollar contract. He was the NL Rookie of the Year last year and recently became the youngest player to reach 40 home runs. Last year he hit 35 homers in just 112 games. Thanks to interleague play, Sox fans got the opportunity to see this phenom perform early in his career. Braun is capable of doing some great things in his career. After the series against the Sox, Braun was quoted as saying that the Brewers did not expect to win in Boston. He also stated that their mental approach to the game needed to improve. An interesting fact that I came across about Braun is that this Brewers' mother is an actual brewer for Budweiser. It’s not Miller but still interesting tidbit.

I have always liked the Brewers. They had some hard nosed teams in the 80’s with the likes of All Stars: Rollie Fingers, Robin Yount, Paul Molitor and Cecil Cooper. They had some cool uniforms in the 80’s and they played in the AL East against the Sox on a regular basis. They have never won a World Series. I am drawn to teams like the Brewers, Nationals (Expos) and Mariners who have yet to win a championship. I was looking forward to this series against the Brew Crew.

Last night got rained out forcing the doubleheader today. It was a beautiful afternoon at America’s most beloved ballpark. dubbschism and Mudville were extremely late to today’s ball game. After Ortiz’s 3 run homer in the second inning, I descended from my standing room spot on top of the Pavilion down 10 ramp levels to Yawkey Way to deliver their tickets. This epic journey to deliver tardy fans their tickets was not a fun experience.

Debbie Downer
The last time I had Pavilion standing room, I was ejected from the ballpark. I am not sure if it is the atmosphere in the section or what, but the fans up here seem to have some serious emotional issues. During the fifth inning, I busted out my handy copy
of Mad Libs. In my search for applicable words, I came across a fan I have named Debbie Downer who was clearly bothered by Mad Libs. She states that she finds Mad Libs annoying. Debate ensues. I ask her “Is it the nouns, verbs, adverbs or adjectives?” She retorts, “Don’t get me started!” I have heard a lot of reactions to Mad Libs, but this was the first person that I discovered who was clearly annoyed. Debbie Downer would later participate in a 40+ year old bizzare circle dance. I found these strange dances and this fan’s attitude annoying.

Pink Shirt Fan
There is a guy who was part of a bachelor party who decided to wear a pink David Ortiz shirt that he is encouraging other fans to scribble on. I overhear him in the beer line that he is not actual the bachelor, but a friend of the bachelor. Basically he is overshadowing the guy who’s bachelor party it is. He makes his introduction to Mudville by kicking a beer cup in her general direction. Mudvilles retorts, "Jesus Fucking Christ." Apparently, he did not expect to elicit this response. Later in the evening I am dared to write I HATE FAGS! on Pink Shirt Fan’s shirt. dubbschism 1-ups me by writing “Felatio is for Virgins” on the guys shirt. Prior to us inscribing upon P.S.F’s shirt, he says "Please, no profanities."

A Foul Ball
About halfway through the game a foul is struck behind home plate in the hotel parking lot behind Van Ness Street under an ancient Chevy Lumina. dubbschism and I decide that after the game we will try to locate this baseball. After the game we locate the Chevy Lumina and there is no baseball to be found. Apparently someone was able to scoop the ball up before we got there. We were under the impression that it would be a difficult find unless you were on the street or in our location looking down on the steet, but that was not the case. I took notes as to the location of the baseball. Looking back my writing appears to be slurred.

Random Observations and Happenings

• If you buy a program for today’s game, you receive a “Gagne is a Yankee Spy” sticker. Gagne did not play during the entire Red Sox series. This guy should go back on HGH. It doesn’t just make you ugly.

• In a reference to Brewers pitcher outfielder Corey Hart, dubbschism states, “Ejected Fan wears his sunglasses at night.”


• There is a dimpled chad on EGD2’s All Star ballot. We are not sure if the 3rd NL Outfielder is Brian Giles or Kosuke Fukudome.


• Off-Track Betting: We have a bet on who will get the first put out of the inning. I pick Youkilis, dubb picks Jacoby Ellsbury and EGD2 picks Papelbon who is not even in the game. The ball is popped up to Ellsbury. Mudville follows a bird in flight, not the baseball.
  

• Rescue 911 at Little Steve’s Pizza: Hungry after the game, we head into Little Steve’s Pizza on Boylston Street. There is a Rescue 911 pinball machine based on the hit show from the 80’s. It includes real sound effects from William Shatner. Eerily, Shatner’s voice bellows “AIDS is Real”. This pinball machine got the most action since 1989.

I apologize for the brevity. There was a scarcity of real blogworthy material. Stay tuned for EjF’s expose on new Sox reporter Heidi Watney. Also stay tuned in late June for our concert series blog on the great American band Pearl Jam.

ESPN shocked to learn that LeBron James is not infallible

Smarty Barrett will occasionally blog outside of the common theme of baseball here at The Ejected Fan. Some of his off-topic discussions may include the NBA, the NFL, college basketball, reviews of the latest gangsta rap albums, and recaps from last night's episode of "America's Next Top Model." This is one of those times.

My alarm goes off at 6:15 AM Monday through Friday. I wake up, mosey on downstairs, throw on ESPN, and get ready. But today was not like any other Wednesday. I was excited. I didn't even listen to Dennis and Callahan on my clock radio long enough for them to use a racially insensitive term. I flew out of bed and ran downstairs like it was Christmas morning. I needed to see SportsCenter. Namely, I needed to see how they were going to spin the terrible performance of one LeBron James.



For those unaware, the Celtics played Game 1 of the Eastern Conference semifinals last night against the LeBron James Cleveland Cavaliers. If you happened to miss LeBron's scoring line last night, here it is: 2-18 shooting, 0-6 from 3 pt. range, 12 pts, 9 reb, 9 asst, and 10 turnovers. For those of you further unfamiliar with SportsCenter, I can't even begin to describe how much they sweat LBJ. It is seriously insane. Sometimes they don't even mention the Cavs - just LeBron. Looking to see what Ben Wallace or Boobie (hehehehehehe....boobie) Gibson did in the game? Fat chance. I'd say a good 90% of Cavs highlights I saw this year showed LeBron exclusively. Meanwhile, the two anchors would wax on and on about how he is the greatest thing they have ever seen. Now don't get me wrong. LBJ is great. Amazing. Spectacular. One of the 3 best players in the league, if not the best. Love watching him play. I don't even mind when people compare him to Jordan. He's that good. HOWEVA, when the media elevates a guy so much and pumps you with so much hype that you can't even breathe, you start to wonder when he will fail. And what they will say when he does. Because the things they say on ESPN when talking about James are starting to get over-the-top. I mean, here's what I've heard this season:

• LeBron James once had 11 assists in a 1-on-1 game.
• One of LeBron James' dunks once gave a woman 16 consecutive orgasms.
• The working title to Jeremy by Pearl Jam was "LeBron James."
• LeBron James wrote and directed the series finale of M*A*S*H.
• LeBron once spotted an opponent 8 points and beat him 21-6.
• A behind-the-back pass from James immediately withdrew 2,000 troops from Iraq.

In all seriousness, it has gotten to the point where they have showered the guy with so much praise that it literally makes me sick to my stomach to hear anymore.

So that is why this morning was great. What would they say? Well, of course, when you endorse something that much, the only real thing you can do is make excuses. And it was great, let me tell you. You could almost hear them going through the 5 stages of grief. First they told viewers how there's no way LeBron is that bad. He will do better in Game 2, he has to. Then they talked about how he got hit hard every time he took it to the hole and he didn't get any calls! Those jerk officials! Then they promised never to mention his Game 1 performance again if he just comes up big in Game 2. That's when the second highlight film kicked in. The missed lay-up anchored this, whereupon they went back to the somber anchors in the studio. They recapped the night by re-reading LeBron's scoring line, and announcing the final score. Acceptance.



And I loved every minute of it.