Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Reggaeton ain't hot in the building no more... IT'S OKAY, I GET IT POPPIN'!

So I'm a little late with this, but rest assured, I have many updates from the game Saturday night. The evening began with the ejected fan requesting a stop at the liquor store for some nips. He decided against putting them in his hoodie. Whilst on the T, I saw ejf completely slam two nips of Sambvca. HzMLS and I looked at each other, nodded and knew that we may be in for another night of ejection. After the strong drinks outweighed the poor service at the Rattlesnake, we were off to Fenway. dubb and friends The Professor and Lock Ness (this name is completely subject to change...I just need an alias for the story) were also in tow, and we began our trek to the Fens. Once outside, I was feeling the effects of my Captain and Cokes, and I decided to ask ejected fan if he wanted to share his nip of J├Ągermeister with me. He slurred out that he had already consumed it and stumbled on. It was at this point that dubb decided to share the folklore that is the inspiration for this blog: Ejected Fan's Ejection©. This story will not be posted here, but rest assured, it will be posted on this site soon, so that all may know the story of The Ejected Fan.

Once in the park, HzMLS and I purchase beverages and make our way to our seats in the upper bleachers. We find ourself behind several college-age goons who are shouting out such taunts as "Hey Lester, you were better when you had cancer!" We quickly divert our attention, but still maintain jotting notes about them in the notebook, as to not forget their idiocy. Later in the game, they begin tossing out baseball cards, almost in the style of making it rain. I grab two of the cards, one is a mint condition Chuck Jackson, the other is a slightly dogeared Brook Jacoby. As HzMLS and I walk down the bleacher steps to use the restroom, I hold up a card to show dubb. Even from the distance, he notes that they are 1988 Topps. He is correct.

It took several beverages to realize this, but HzMLS and I were graced by a celebrity two rows in front of us. He is seen here, and it is none other than our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. We are too shy to ask Him anything, but we feel His presence and know He will bring something good to the game. Soon after the ejected fan stumbled over, climbing across the lap of the Almighty, the almighty Manny Ramirez launched a shot so mammoth that it may still be in flight. Jesus made his presence felt, the avid Reggaeton fan got it popping, and the Red Sox were victorious yet again. They are now 2-0 when all four members of the Ejected Fan attend. Coincidence? I think not.

Semi-Irregular Miguel Tejada Home Run Update

today's date: April 23rd
Miggy's current HR total: 4
Miggy's projected HR total, should he keep up this pace: 31
likelihood that the ejected fan wins my $20 and spends it on a new hairdo from supercuts: 83%

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

I AM A PATRIOT, You are not! Patriots Day 2008
Game Report, 4/21/08 vs. Texas Rangers

Our Marathon Monday Trek to Fenway Park starts off at 9:30 AM on the roof deck of the famed Baseball Tavern. I chug beer while Zeitgeist downs Pineapple Juice with Rum to follow up his morning Caucasian Coffee. It’s a beautiful day and what better place to enjoy it than on top of a roof deck behind Fenway? It is the perfect excuse to get trashed prior to the noon bell.

We exit the Baseball tavern at about 10:40 and head to CVS so that Zeitgeist may purchase smokes. As we pass Ramrod's, Zeitgeist exclaims “Damn! Ramrod’s is closed!” to the chagrin of passersby. There is a face painting and balloon making clown at the entrance of CVS. She seems very nice, but has no customers and not exactly an outgoing personality. I tell her that I am too old to participate in her activities, which lets her down a great deal. She attempts to solicit other fans outside of CVS, but to no avail. This CVS has about as much traffic as a whore house after a syphilis epidemic.

As we continue towards the park to Gate B, we encounter a man named Curry. I'm pretty sure he is homeless. Curry has a traffic cone that he uses as a megaphone. Currently he is expounding on the greatness of sausage from the sausage vendor near gate B. Zeitgeist teaches him Italian, “Il Migiliore Salsaice,” and Curry then yells this through the megaphone. The fans in the general area have WTF looks on their faces. By the way, what the hell is up with HE-MAN sized version Ted Williams statue outside of Gate B? I can understand a statue, but why not make it real looking? It is reminiscent of the Second Generation Star Wars figures where they some how try to make Mark Hamill look like Lou Ferrigno.

There are some many beautiful scantily clad women throughout the park today. The biggest buzzkill of the day happens when two incredibly hot chicks sit next to the ejected fan. As it turns out many times in the bleachers at Fenway, they are confused and are supposed to be in section 38, not 37. I toy with the idea of sending Biggs and Dak to section 38 in exchange for these two beautiful specimens.

Zeitgeist is in rare form today - certainly the most intoxicated I have seen him in a while. He is also a stalker with his newly purchased Olympus 5X Zoom Camera. Zeitgeist proceeds to take ass shots of random women throughout the ballpark on "cuisine" setting. Thankfully Zeitgeist fails to get a picture of this larger chick in front of us with a Papelbon shirt. When I say "chick," I'm just being politically correct because this Papelbon fanatic only loosely resembles a woman. During the 3rd inning her shirt rides up to reveal the most disgusting use of a G-String I have seen in my lifetime.

The game got out of hand early for the visiting team and forced us to go smoking on Yawkey way. Zeitgeist had just purchased a new Cooperstown Collection Sox Cap from the Souvenir store. This cap appears to be similar to most other Sox caps except for the exceptional circumference. Fans on Yawkey way proceed to get photos of themselves in this monsterous melon cover. One fan exclaims “I can bail out a boat with this,” while another states “Dude, I got an XL hat on” as he wears one cap on top of the other.

There were a couple of firsts of the season at today's ballgame. We see the first successful Wave at Fenway this season. I guess it had to get warm enough before the wave would appear. We also witness the first appearance of the season for the Manny Delcarmen Bullpen band. The MDC band played some funky African rhythms. Had The Professor been there today, he would have thoroughly enjoyed.

A few notable random observations from today’s game:

  • As I make the journey from Yawkey way back to the bleachers through the grandstand section of Fenway, this girl runs up to the top rail of the grandstands in section 4 and does a flip over the railing. I am pretty certain she has hurt herself when I see this happen. Amazingly, she lands in a seat unscathed with all vertebrae intact. I asked her friend what she calls this acrobatic feat and she says “The JESSICA SUPER REVERSE CLOUGH!”

  • This chick entering Gate B of Fenway says in the thickest Dorchester/Southie Accent: “THIS IS BOOOOOSTON!!!!” After hearing that, I know it is gonna be a good day.

  • These fans behind me look like the Gottis…They proceed to razz a confused fan with an LA Dodgers hat and Brewers Ryan Braun jersey. Yet another fan who is confused and very non-committal, he states he is a fan of baseball and shows them his Sox jacket.

To be continued... Stay Tuned for our next update from Fenway on May 3rd....

Manny being MAN-RAM!!
Game Report, 4/19/08 vs. Texas Rangers

I am going to start off by saying that I don’t have enough material for a blog this evening. However, Smarty Barrett and I did bring our handy blog notebooks so that we wouldnt misremember any events of the evening. Maybe it’s the fact that I was too drunk or that my gut tells me there was not enough notable events that happened. In addition I was really pissed when we arrived at the Rattlesnake and I realized that I had misremembered my copy of mid-game entertainment, Adult Mad Libs.

I am thoroughly socially lubricated by the time we finish the walk to Fenway from Rattlesnake to arrive 20 minutes after the game's start. This is a long walk up Boylston, down Ipswich and then down to Gate C on Landsdowne street. We should have taken the T, but my stubbornness forces this longer inefficient journey.

The South African Perspective on Baseball
We have a last minute scratch to our lineup due to frustration and traffic around Fenway. So we invite a South African known as The Professor. Being a righteous American, I don’t know what sports they play in South Africa, nor do I really care. Although I think they like cricket.
Before getting to the game, The Professor states “You can’t blame me if I fall asleep.” Obviously, he has as much respect for the sports we enjoy in this country as I would if put in the opposite position. During mid game, I further inquire with The Professor for his perspective on baseball. He states “I think there is enough beer at the stadium to make it interesting.” I ask him to compare baseball to cricket. The Professor exclaims, “It is just as boring as cricket, but at least in cricket the guys don’t wear tight pants.”

This game was far from boring. I make the journey to the upper bleachers to check in with Smarty Barrett. In my drunken state, only one event stands out as noteworthy - Manny’s 496th home run. During this monster blast, I guess I somehow manage to kick over HzMLS's beer. Manny saves the day again this week with this mammoth round tripper. No matter what anyone says about Manny’s quirks, he is one of the greatest right handed hitters to have ever played the game and thankfully, he is on the Sox.

Smarty Barrett and HzMLS’s upper bleacher seats are right next to the Dunkin Dugout. I kid with them earlier inquiring “How is the Dunkin Dugout?” As much as I might kid about the Dunkin Dugout, it is a very worthy pursuit. Tonight the Plummer Home for Boys in Salem, MA give 24 tickets to their under-privileged boys to take in the game in this section at Fenway. Please note: Smarty Barrett and HzMLS were not actually in the Dunkin Dugout. They do have Dunkin Donuts shirts on that were 3 sizes too big. And yes, this is proof that America (or at least Massachusetts) really does run on Dunkin.

Some other notable random observations from last nights game:

  • The Bruins win and fans break into a USA chant at the game. A fan with a Habs jersey is razzed; The Professor has profound misgivings about whether or not to join along in the chant.
  • The fans behind me sound like dying Tauntauns.

  • There is a guy with a Titleist cap with the Yankees logo on the side. This guy is gay to be that non-committal to his team.

  • There was a bachelorette party at the park. This “Red Sox Bride” has a Sox tattoo on her face. I find bachelor or bachelorette parties at Fenway to be rather boring. Go to a strip club or something....

  • A fan screams out “Botts smells like butts!”

  • This guy in a Varitek jersey in front of us with earrings in both ears tries to start the wave. Extreme gayness ensues. (To our readers: what is the male equivalent of a Vari-dyke?)
  • A fan in section 38 has a sign that says "JACOBY’S BIGGEST FAN." This “Windtalking” Navajo has certainly become the crush of many a teenage girl around the park.

I apologize to readers for peddling brevity. I will have more on Marathon Monday as the Red Sox take on the Texas Rangers for the final game of the series. Stay tuned.

Friday, April 18, 2008

I Have $20 Riding On This Man

Miguel Tejada - mvp, dynamic slugger, franchise face of the Baltimore Orioles, quickly deteriorating defensive genius, steroid user, 33-year old father of two.

the hits just keep on coming for Miggy. i hope that most of those hits stay in the ballpark, because i have a $20 bet with the ejected fan that Tejada does not send the ball over the fence 20 or more times this season. this may seem like a foolish bet (not nearly as foolish as the time ejected fan bet me $5 that i couldn't get 100% on "my name is jonas" whilst on level "easy" in Guitar Hero 3), but it is looking wiser and wiser by the minute. first, let's examine why you all probably think i'm a jackass for making that bet.

Tejada's HR totals the last 3 years:
2007: 18 in 133 games
2006: 24 in 162 games
2005: 26 in 162 games

right off the bat, notice that if Miggy was healthy enough last year to play 162, he'd have been projected to hit about 22 dingers. assuming a linear projection then, he might hit 20 this year, had he stayed in the AL east with the Orioles. alas! he moved to a notorious hitter's park at Houston's Minute Maid Park. so why wouldn't he hit at least 20?

dubbschism: i bet you $20 that Tejada doesn't hit 20 homers this year.
ejected fan: what? are you ducking* crazy?
dubbschism: yes.
ejected fan: dude, he's playing in Houston this year. in that ballpark? come on.
dubbschism: yes or no? will you bet?
ejected fan: dual* yes.

*for those of you unfamiliar with t9-style** swear words, here is an incomplete dictionary:
dual = fuck
shiv = shit
ducked = fucked
ducking = fucking
citag = bitch get the idea. for extra fun, type in the word "coal" and then scroll through the word list.

**for those of you unfamiliar with t9, use the ducking internet.

okay! the only problem here with ejected fan's reasoning is that Minute Maid is not a HR park! its park factor for 2007 places it 14th in baseball. Camden Yards? 3rd place. based on a simple linear projection of Tejada's recent work and his move to Minute Maid, he'll hit 17 home runs - and that's if he plays 162 games. based on his history, he's a good bet to play 162, but with recent allegations, he probably won't. so far he has appeared in all 16 games the Astros have played.

of course when i made my bet, i figured Tejada was 31, not 33. (apparently, he's dug himself in a pit of fibs so deep he's not even sure how old he is supposed to be.) and i'll admit, i didn't realize how average MMP was for HR hitters, but i did have an inkling his HR total was padded slightly by the friendly confines of Camden Yards. i also have a feeling that Tejada is easily flustered (and given his reaction when E:60 correspondent Tom Farrey confronted him with his birth certificate, i guessed correctly) and the fallout of being named in the Mitchell report would affect him in some way. although to be fair, when future HOFer Rafael Palmeiro fingered Miggy as the cause of his own steroid allegations, Tejada shook it off and produced at his typical level the following season. but for all the teeth it lacks, fans are taking the Mitchell report much more seriously than whatever Palmeiro has to say. working against me is the fact that Tejada has 3 taters in 16 games, putting him on pace for 30. and we know how important those kinds of projections are.

on another note, i'm so ducking glad i'm not as big of an Astros fan as i used to be. Ed Wade is quickly approaching Brian Sabean level as far as GMing skills are concerned. dude trades the farm for Tejada and Jose Valverde, somehow convinced that they're going to contend in the NL central (worst or second-worst division in baseball, to be sure) without any pitching besides Oswalt. then, as if to say, "verily! i have no idea what running a baseball team entails!", he claims not to care that Tejada is actually two years older than he originally thought. my guess is he had no clue how old he was to begin with.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

HGH Makes You Ugly, NOT a Better Baseball Player

my original purpose with this post was to bash Paul Byrd and throw him in the "crummy Indians pitchers who should probably be in the minors or maybe even collecting their MLB pensions" bin along with Joe Borowski. but i started writing this article last night during the Sox-Tribe game, the one in which Byrd lowered his era from 11.05 to 6.07. not that he pitched a gem, exactly - he was cooked after 6, although he did only throw 78 pitches. therefore i decided i'm not really here to eviscerate Paul Byrd as a pitcher. this here is a good old-fashioned hide-behind-my-monitor-and-whatever-super-
Byrd-can't-fire-back-at-me ad hominem attack.

to quote that creepy Irish gypsy that just got out of jail on The Riches, "such is the power of the internet."

Paul Byrd took HGH. to many, that makes him a cheater. according to the San Francisco Chronicle (which, for my money, has to be the world's greatest source for spilling the word on doping baseball players), Byrd received shipments of the drug between 2002 and 2005. according to Byrd, it was to treat a pituitary gland tumor. now, i'm no medical doctor, but i am an internet expert. and a google search for "pituitary tumor HGH" doesn't seem to bolster Mr. Byrd's case at all. surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy seem to be the treatments for such an ailment. but whatever. let's give him the benefit of the doubt. let's also assume then that pituitary tumors help transform a fringe-average pitcher into an above average pitcher. you want proof? fine.

Byrd's ERA+ for the last 7 years:
2001: 108. not bad, not exactly stellar. let's call it "Byrdesque."
2002: 127. we'll call that "Gibsonesque."
2003: did not play (TJ surgery)
2004: 110 (19 games)
2005: 113
2006: 93. the year he stopped receiving HGH. whoops!
2007: 100

alright, alright, i'm cherry picking here, and there are a lot of factors at play. most notably, of course, is that they put a new ligament in his arm in '03, which for most guys, results in a livelier fastball. but his old ligament seemed to be working fine in 2002, the year he started receiving shipments of HGH.

now i'm really going to bowl you over: word on the streets is that HGH doesn't enhance athletic performance. this has been talked about for more than a year now, but NO ONE EVER MENTIONS THIS CAVEAT when they talk about "cheating ballplayers." i was at Fenway the other night and some meatheads were chanting "H-G-H!! H-G-H!!" at jason giambi - completely embarrassing because everyone knows that giambi's drug of choice is anabolic steroids. although he DID have a pituitary tumor in 2004, so i can only assume that these meatheads were in fact licensed endocrinologists familiar with giambi's case file.

so i tricked you!! you all thought that this article was going to be some sort of forensic statistical investigation, a CSI: sabermetrics that would prove once and for all that Paulie Byrd, he of the game four 2007 ALCS domination, is nothing but a lying, cheating, whore of a man who needs to pump drugs in order to throw a baseball 60 feet. (yes, 60 feet - that's another way he cheats. he moves the rubber six inches closer to the plate on days he pitches. asshole.) well, if you thought that, you were wrong. i don't think HGH helped him at all. i don't believe that he took it on a doctor's orders for a pituitary tumor, especially given WHERE he obtained the drugs from, although i do think that he thought it would help his performance...which, of course, means he DID cheat. or at least he tried to cheat.

so why the sudden spike in Byrd's performance for 2002? well for one thing, he's not as bad as i'm letting on here. yes, he doesn't have an overpowering repertoire, he lacks an "out" pitch, and he has trouble sniffing 85 on the JUGS. on the other hand, he has awesome control, to the tune of a 1.5 BB/9IP ratio, good for second best in the AL that year. (sidenote: he led the league last year with a 1.31 mark.) plus he has that funky old-schooly delivery, a novelty, to be sure, but a novelty that can mess with a hitter's timing. maybe, just maybe, he put everything together for one glorious run for a glorious KC team in the glorious summer of 2002. (Royals' record that year: 62-100.) it happens sometimes.

but read up, spread the word, and help destroy the disinformation that is the HGH hoax. the next time Steven K. Phillips (the 'K' stands for 'Kazmir') or John F. Kruk (the 'F' stands for 'Fatty') refer to HGH as a "PED," you go right up to your television, look it in the eye, and say "you mean PUD." (performance un-enhancing drug.)

wait! before you go, that ad hominem attack i promised you!! Paul Byrd is ugly. not Julian Tavarez or Randy Johnson ugly, but at least Nick Swisher ugly, if not worse. also he is a self-righteous churchy-churcherton who basically uses his status as a christian to justify that taking HGH is not cheating. also, he plans on writing a book about his being "born again." it will be titled "The Free Byrd Project," which has nothing to do with Skynyrd and contains other puns on his name. the third chapter is titled "Why I Became a BasePaul Player." i have nothing against people who want to write books but come on, could you be any more self-important? because who wants to read about a journeyman pitcher who barely strikes out 5 batters per 9 innings? oh that's right, you do. otherwise you would have closed this window a long time ago.

Joe Borowski sucks more than we thought

Wow. That is all I can say about last nights game. Wow. I still can't believe that the Indians won 94 games last year with Danny Kolb JOE BOROWSKI as a closer. He has already given up 3 home runs this year, blown 3 saves and kicked Chief Wahoo in the balls. The pitch that Man-Ram (god that sounds so homosexual) hit his game winning home run off of last night was 83 "miles per hour", and was looked so hittable I think I could have drilled it (probably not). 83 MPH!. That is dangerously close to speed of Tim Wakefield's "fastball" (only difference is Borowski doesn't have anything resembling a second pitch). Josh Beckett's changeup is 88mph. Borowski sucks...big time. Watching this guy pitch really makes me appreciate when Papelbon comes trotting out of the bullpen. At least Boston fans know that 49 out of 50 times our closer won't be serving up batting practice in the 9th inning.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Sox are Rubber Game Winners thanks to a little KY: ESPN Game of the Week!
Game Report, 4/13/08 vs. New York Yankees

We start our evening off at the famous Legal Seafood Restaurant at the Prudential. As far as this internet publication is concerned, Legals is the best seafood restaurant in the world. Jumpstreet orders Lobster bake. The waitress offers to put his bib on for him. After initially declining, he gives in and subsequently finds himself attracted to her bib-fitting skills. In a show of manliness, he fails to finish his meal. Approximately $15 worth of shellfish remain. The bib would remain on Jumpstreet for most of the evening as a badge of honor.
Zeitgeist orders 3 samples of port. As he sips the port, he decides to take a photograph for our readers. Zeit's camera has several different settings - auction, document, cuisine, etc. He demonstrates the various settings by taking several shots with Port as the subject. Below is a photo of port on auction mode. I would place top bid for that.

A hot waitress stands next to Jumpstreet while she takes the order at another table. Jumpstreet turns, spies her buttocks, and exclaims “Oh Boy.” Zeitgeist suggests taking a photo. Jump agrees with the stipulation that the “cuisine” setting should be used.

Tonight is Rich Gedman Bobblehead night at Fenway. The first 15,000 fans in attendance tonight receive a Rich Gedman Bobblehead doll thanks to sponsor Girls Gone Wild. These highly sought after bobbleheads have already appeared on Ebay for an asking price of $300 plus. On a side note Girls Gone Wild is heavily promoting their new Girls Gone Wild: “Finally 18” DVDs. GGW have invested in new advertisement space on the Green Monster for this promotion.

HzMLS’s experience at fenway was significantly upgraded when a beautiful youg coed sits down next to him. Most likely a talent from Girls Gone Wild, HzMLS adds that she smells heavenly. The women to our left are hit upon by an extremely drunk man who tries to pick them up with stories of diaper changes and a sore colon (not to be confused with the Red Sox disabled list, which also contains a sore Colon).

The discussion of the night turns to Conigliaro’s Corner, the scene of recent gang style stabbings. Beware of this section of Fenway after dark. A fan was thrown off the top of Congliaro’s corner during the second game of the season, reminiscent of the death of Maude Flanders in the heart touching Simpsons Episode: Alone Again, Natura-Diddly. Fans can thank Jumpstreet for making several arrests and a sweep of the area during the seventh inning stretch.

The highlight of the evening was HzMLS viewing of an interesting text from a guy who was seated directly in front of him. The text said “that’s for later. the ky is on the nightstand and ready.”

Earlier in the evening the ejected fan purchased a copy of Mad Libs. We proceed to start the vociferous word game using such nouns as: nightstands, ecstasy beads, wiffle ball bat and sphincter…. The gentleman in front of us feigned being unphased by our display of vocabulary. The KY man left shortly there after to start his own "rubber* game" in the alligator lagoon*. This is the copy of Mad Libs for your enjoyment from the game last evening.

Some other interesting observations from last nights game:
ESPN SIGN that would have been more appropriate on Native American Night :

Whitney Houston is in attendance in the bleachers. Following shortly behind her is Frank Farmer and Bobby Brown. It appears that Bobby has spent most of her fortune, however she is still nicely dressed for the bleacher section at Fenway.

There is a girl with a Rhinestone “BLING” Cap on who proceeds to spill her beer, drenching ½ dozen fans in front of her. Holding her beer at a 45 degree angle, she announces, “I smoke a lot of weed!” She begins a cell phone conversation, and HzMLS bets that she will drop her cell phone. 2 seconds later the cell phone falls to the cement below.

Mathematician dubbschism uses an advanced mathematic equation to accurately determine the attendance at Fenway Park. Or maybe he just guessed, “IT‘S C!!”

The Ejected Fan purchased a bag of Cracker Jack. The prize inside was a retarded version of a “Mad Fold In” with a history lesson worthy of the Dunkin Dugout.

A fan in front of us posits that “Molina” is Spanish for "catcher." Every team has a Molina.

All in all, Sunday's game was decent. The other KY went 2-3 with 2 RBIs to help the cause. A-Rod went 0-5. What more could you ask for? See you next week…..

*Warning: KY Jelly will deteriorate latex.

Trot Nixon would prefer that you keep it in your pants

So Hazel Mae's Landing Strip stumbled upon this gem at his place of employment today, and it cannot go unnoticed. Or un-blogged.

Our old friend Trot Nixon, he of grit and dirt and hustle and thanks-but-no-thanks-MLB-I-don't-need-a-new-hat is apparently a member of an organization called Life Athletes. HzMLS came upon this via an educational video of Nixon giving a talk about chastity and abstinence. The group has many other notable (and hilarious) members, including Fred Smerlas, Oddibe McDowell, and Wellington Mara, who I have on good authority has been abstaining from relations since at least October 25, 2005.

The group itself has, um, interesting, if not useful information on their site. Example: "Sex touches upon the most important things in life, namely marriage, family, and even heaven itself." Sex also touches on an explicit text message concerning a nightstand with KY Jelly on it. (More on this in a future post.) My favorite gem would be this, inexplicably listed under "health advisory": "Swimming in an alligator-infested lagoon may give relief from the heat but it is also very risky. Giving in to sexual impulses can be risky too." This is maybe the worst sex-related analogy I have ever read. The site discusses many topics, such as waiting until marriage, waiting until you are in love, and being 100% sure before having relations, or else FACE THE ALLIGATORS!!! And yet, I feel like they might be leaving a few things out.

Also, as a sidenote, it appears our friend Trot is in the minors and taking a crash-course on how to play 1st base. You keep at it, old friend. And I'll try not to swim with any alligators, if you get my drift.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE: Sox/Yanks - Everybody Wang Chung Tonight! (Native American Night at Fenway)
Game Report, 4/11/08 vs. New York Yankees

In order to respect my readers, I must get ejected from Fenway Park at least once this season. Last night the Ejected Fan ran into a few fans who were in fact ejected from the ballpark. We will have more on these fans later in the piece. Fenway Park Security has made the ejection process easier and more efficient with a new security hotline - a 617-XXX-XXXX number that one can call to report an incident. dubbschism comes up with an idea to stage an ejection with the security hotline. Stay tuned in future blogs as we work on the logistics of this ejection plan.

The fun starts at Cornwall’s, a more low-key bar on Comm Ave. Relocated from the other side of Kenmore Square during the late 90’s, it is a great place to grab grub before the game. Midway through our dinner on the front porch, a light rain starts to fall. Zoe states “If it rains and it gets rained out, I am getting really drunk!” Luckily for our sake it was a light rain. There is a Matt Clement look- alike sitting across from us. dubbschism claims that I am a pussy for not taking his picture for this blog. The waitress is referred to as “Hokey Pokey” by Zoe because of her snail's pace service of our food and drink requests. Much to Zoe's chagrin, we meet up with the waitress in the post-game Cask N Flagon line, at which point I tell her, "Zoe says you were Hokey Pokey."…And it rained…And that happened.

We have Right Field “Budweiser” roof deck standing room for the opening game of this Yankees-Sox series. It is rainy, windy, and cold. Management should install portable propane heaters on the roof deck for the first couple months of the season. John Henry, if you are reading this, please take this under strong consideration.

For anyone who has not had the opportunity to be on the roof deck, I will sort of explain the situation with these tickets. Basically you have 2 options: You can buy a $500 table for four that gets you very own waiter or waitress. Or you can spend $30 and obtain a standing room ticket. I refer to the first option as “emotional spending,” especially on a rainy night like tonight. With the waitress option you can order beer, peanuts, pizza etc. Not exactly the type of food that you need valeted. Tonight, one table orders a pizza with extra rain. dubb attempts to flag down a waitress to order beer, but is shot down quickly and told the service is only for those in the seats. (For the record, dubb states, "I don't care, the raspberry vodka I poured from my flask into my $18 hot chocolate was well worth the paranoia of getting caught bringing alcohol into the park.")

We start to interview a teacher from Maine. At her request for anonymity we will refer to the place that she lives only as East Bumfuck. It took her over 5 ½ hours to make the journey to Boston for tonight's game. We ask our teacher friend the question that we left our readers with last week: You can induce a ground ball, a pregnancy, but what else? She offers “Isn’t there a drug that you induce pregnancies with?” Zoe offers that during her 18-hour ordeal she used the drug Pitocin. Another fan erroneously attempts to spell the word.

Our teacher fan also offers another tidbit of information about tonights game: little did we know it was Native American night at the ballpark. I can find no information to corroborate this. However, lets just say it was Native American night at Fenway; neither Jacoby Ellsbury or Joba Chamberlain (both Native Americans) play in tonight's game. We do the tomahawk chop and chant during the seventh inning stretch to honor our Native American brethren. Later in the evening, dubb and I exchange headdresses.

I will say it was another showcase game for Coco Crisp. We asked fans for a few more attributes that scouts should know about Coco Crisp. These include:
*Aggressive with women
*Defensive ability; e.g. spectacular catch at the end of Game 7 of the 2007 ALCS (amongst others)
*Has cereal was name after him
*Unfocused (owns a record label)

...And it rained...And that happened.

Our focus shifts to Jose Molina, catcher for the New York Yankees. A fan asks, “Aren’t there three Molina brothers?” There are actually four Molina brothers: Jose, Bengie, Yadier and Miguel. The fourth Molina brother, Miguel Molina, is also a catcher for the Toledo Mudhens. I was unable to locate any statistics on Miguel. I will say this: he is one of the top rated minor league catchers. The Red Sox should make a strong push to put a package together with the Detroit Tigers to acquire this stellar catching prospect.

Towards the end of the seventh inning we move to another section of the ballpark, the new(as of last year) Jordan’s Furniture 3rd base deck. After the fourth Red Sox pitcher, all hell breaks loose! A fight erupts on the stairwell of the Jordan’s deck.

We were there to capture this amazing video.

Apparently, this squabble started when husband would not allow his wife to participate in the Jordan’s Monster Sweep promotion.

Notable Ejections:

From a Sox fan on the T: “The craziest little drunk 120 lb asshole with a Yankee Jersey and a NY Giants hat in Section 39 gets into a fight with a 220 lb guy with a Celtics Cap and a Sox Jersey. The guy with the Celtics cap literally murdered this guy! He tells the smaller guy, 'I don’t mind a Yankee shirt, but the Giants hat makes me want to kick your ass!' Security escorts the scrawny yankee fan off with his home computer made fake ID.”

I go to utilize the ATM on the grand concourse. There is a fan that is stumbling drunk around the concourse and pulls a tablecloth off a nearby table. I have recreated the path of this stumbling drunk as Security catches and escorts him from the premises.

A Yankee fan was ejected from the Left Field Grandstand No Alcohol section. He was quoted as saying, “I was at the game. I had Bacardi in a water bottle. I had nips in my hoodie. I got kicked
out. WooooooHHHH!!”

After the game, we head to the dreaded Cask N Flagon. The line after the game is long as usual. dubb's former roommate sends a text from inside, “I anticipate a mass exodus from the Cask.” This report turns out to be grossly overstated. Once inside the Cask, we head to the nightclub section of the bar. There is a real wannabe on stage with ripped jeans and sunglasses trying to pretend he is a good dancer. We confront dubb's old roommate on his response to the pornographic pictures that we were sent from an unidentified phone. He earlier texted, “I know who you are, asshole. If you send me nasty shit like that again you will fucking regret it. That is a promise.” He brushes us off. Little did he know that he sent that message to a chick.

Outside of the Cask, in a display of athletic prowess, a few of the people that were dancing inside the bar attempt to “Grab Rim” (i.e. touch the top of the Cask’s awning). The first guy jumps and touches the awning. The second guy slips and smacks his head on the pavement.

On the Green line heading home, another battle erupts. I get between the two guys who are about to throw down. The smaller of the two seems to be instigating this when in reality, later on, we find out it is the other way around. The smaller guy takes a swing and slaps the bigger guy. Everybody pretty much gets off and goes their separate ways at the next stop. We trail the taller guy on to the next train and he fails to provide The Ejected Fan with a meaningful interview. He realizes that he doesn’t know where he is or where is going and leaves the train station in a huff and blames us for the distraction. He wouldn't even take our business card! (a.k.a. a piece of paper with a handwritten URL on it)

We meet up with the shorter guy and his entourage at another stop and they actually turn out to be alright. Possibly, they may even become future readers of The Ejected Fan.

**On a side note, the Yankees did win and Wang pitched a decent game, but the Yankees still suck!

Thursday, April 10, 2008


we're underway. and we've got the same hopes as the 2008 marlins - to attract an audience bigger than 4. we tried to have this up and running for the start of the season, but we're still getting over the jet lag we succumbed to on our trip to japan.

(sidenote 1 about jet lag: contrary to what you might have read about Red Sox and A's players being tired in Tokyo from jet lag, its detrimental effects really only manifest themselves after a long flight west-to-east. It's common sense, too: leave Tokyo at, say, noon, and arrive in Los Angeles 11.5 hours later. your body thinks it's 11:30 at night. Los Angeles thinks it's 7:30 in the morning. i mean, what would Jesus do in a situation like that? i like to think he'd go nocturnal and leave his clock on Tokyo time. i can just see it now:

Jesus: come on man! get up, shave those weird sideburns and let's hit up
The Garden of Eden! (only night club in Hollywood that JC goes to)
mike mussina [groggily]: dude, it's 1:30 in the morning. i still have jet lag.
Jesus: stop being such a pussy, mike. that was four years ago. and besides, there's a
new cure for jet lag.
mike mussina: zzzzzzz
Jesus: fine. one more question though. was it you that taught ian kennedy to bend over like a retard when he's throwing from the stretch?

mike mussina: GOD DAMMIT! leave me the FUCK ALONE and LET ME SLEEP. this is worse than rooming with BUBBA CROSBY.

Jesus: ooh what are you gonna do? throw a knuckle curve at me?!? i'm outta here, man. [slams door, uses magic to turn hotel room AC to "hell freezing over" level]

[curtain closes]

end sidenote 1.)

(sidenote 2 about jet lag: one time a good friend of mine went to Ireland for a week. he's not Irish or anything but that's sort of besides the point. he came back to the states and wasn't feeling so well. he had a cold or something. anyway, he tried telling me that it was jet lag. my point is that even the non-Irish don't really get what jet lag is. it's a poorly-understood concept. i'm not even sure they have warmed toilet seats in Ireland.

end sidenote 2.)

also, we didn't go to Japan.

anyway, some observations about the brief season are in order, because like when Chris Shelton went absolutely nuts in April of 06, we like to imagine what could be.

for starters, the last three teams in terms of runs scored in the AL: Detroit, New York, Boston. also, just as expected, the 5 worst players in the AL according to position-adjusted BRAA (Batting Runs Above Average):
Placido Polanco: -4.6
Robinson Cano: -4.4
David Ortiz: -4.3
Kenji Johjima : -4.3
Carl Crawford : -4.3

i mean, i guess Polanco isn't that shocking. dude's been way over his head ever since he was a utility player for St. Louis. but come on -

of course, if you look at a handful of games in the middle of the year and compile stats like this, most people will tell you they're meaningless. but if you're just looking at the outset of the season, the numbers all of a sudden become baseline for the next six months. some projections, courtesy of espn:

  • Daisuke Matsuzaka will go 36-0, pitch 324 innings, have 396 k's and an era of 1.47.
  • Joe Crede will hit .406 and smash Hack Wilson's rbi record with 223. (white sox still won't make playoffs.)
  • Miguel Cabrera will hit .125 with no doubles.
  • Prince Fielder will eat zero steaks. (more on him in subsequent posts.)
so of course my point is that the first week is pretty much the most important time in a baseball season. just imagine what would have happened last year if the Rockies hadn't won their second game last season! we'd all be speaking diamondbackese. and that's a fact.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Opening Day 2008: The Vindication of Bill Buckner
Game Report, 4/8/08 vs. Detroit Tigers

I would like to start this blog off by saying I am by no means professional. The fans behind me at Fenway on Opening Day thought that I was a professional reporter for a very small newspaper. The purpose of this blog is to report upon my experiences at Fenway Park throughout the season. The goal of this blog is to entertain me and sometimes others.

There is something to be said about Spring and Opening Day. Hope certainly does spring eternal. We start our journey at the Cask N Flagon. (Rated by ESPN magazine as the number 2 sports bar in the country.) Double Dragon and I arrive at the Cask at 9 AM in order to secure a highly coveted table. We quip that the Cask should auction their tables off on game day like green monster seats.

The view from our table overlooks the Gate E entrance to Fenway Park. This would be of particular attention to the crowd in the Cask and around the ballpark because near this gate was the door that would receive the championship trophies under wraps as well as the Bruins and Celtic players. Teddy Bruschi has become the obligatory participant of these sorts of ceremonies as commonplace as a blue hair at bingo. In addition to the players and championship trophies, the frozen corpse of Nelson De la Rosa was escorted under wraps into Fenway Park through the special door, originally slated to be part of the opening day ceremonies but unfortunately for the fans at Fenway this was scrapped at the last minute due to time constraints.

Double Dragon is the only person in the bar without a Red Sox cap on. He wears a blue and white dodgers cap to distinguish himself from the other bandwagon Sox fans. Our waitress comments that we lack excitement. Double Dragon states that he will feign excitement for the duration of time so that he may change her mind.

All hell breaks loose after our third pitcher of beer. I head to the bathroom to take a piss and find that the bathroom is closed and I am sent to the bathroom in the night club section “Oliver’s”. As I walk to the bathroom I see a huge 20 foot puddle of water on the floor. Someone states that the toilet has backed up and that is what was on the floor. By the time I make it into line for the john, the line is 50 men deep. Fuck, I have never had to piss this bad in my life. It was worse than when I waited in line for the pisser at the old Foxboro stadium. This guy in line next to me yells, “My eyes are turning yellow.” I have decided that I am not pre-gaming at the Cask again. I have decided to refer to this incident as the black water scandal. John Henry was somehow responsible for the backup of the toilets in order to drive fans into Fenway Park to increase concession revenue.

We enter Fenway Park in a very unconventional manner - through the back door entrance of Who’s On First. As I enter the park, Larry Lucchino walks past me. I shout “Larry!” and I get a nice wave from Mr. Lucchino. Larry and I go way back . We met last summer at the Fishermen’s feast in the North End when my friend Ryan’s uncle creeped him out when he told him, “FUCK the CUBS!”
The journey to the bleachers through the grandstand tunnels sucks because of the crowds... The last time I made the journey through these tunnels, I had the privilege of witnessing a dejected Cleveland Indians team leaving Fenway Park after game 7 of the ALCS.

The new bleacher seats are HALF ASS. Literally, you can fit half of the average size ass in theses seats. They seem to be even smaller and more uncomfortable than the old bleachers. The bleacher section has been renamed the Fung Wah section of Fenway Park. Although, Fung Wah boasts a larger seat and more leg room even with the elderly Asian lady sitting on your lap… A flaming Fung Wah bus followed the DHL vans deliver the rings as part of the ring ceremony.

There are some other new additions to Fenway. The Coke bottles have been replaced with twin giant syringes. Fenway park presents the BALCO (in Conjunction with Charles MGH) Wisterol section of seating. Thank you, Double Dragon, for pointing out this new feature at the olde ballpark.

All in all the ring ceremony was rather boring… Dice-K and Varitek are busy playing catch while the rings are being handed out. The ceremony was overshadowed by Fenway Park’s very own attack Hawk. My attention is transferred to the hawk, when it swoops down with a severed finger in its beak. During the jet fly over, the hawk plucked Johnny Pesky in his talons and brought him to his nest. (Click on the link at the end of this entry to see video of the Johnny Pesky attack). The Attack Hawk killed 3 fans and 3 players in opening ceremonies alone. Bryan Corey and Devern Hansack were among the dead. I believe the death toll during the game rose to 18 by the end of the 8th inning. It was like a lunch date with Grendel.

I have to say that Bill Buckner throwing out the first pitch was a special moment for true fans. Finally, Buckner had his day. He can now move on. As a Sox fan this is proof that the organization has truly come around 360 degrees…

Given that this is the first game of the season, there are some rumors about who will play Fenway Park this season. Here are my top five guesses:

  1. Devo
  2. Taylor Dane (not to be confused with adult star Taylor Rain)
  3. NKOTB
  4. Bronson Arroyo
  5. Soft Cell

Here are some other random observations regarding fans at the game….

  • A random fan yells "Birdman" at his buddy walking up the stairs. Truth be told, Birdman does look like a bird. He explains “it’s a college nickname” as he spills $3.50 worth of beer on himself.
  • There is a fat kid in a Pudge jersey watching the game through binoculars. I find this to be an enigma because he was actually watching himself through those binoculars.
  • If you have bald head you will probably get a sun burn today.
  • Dustin Pedroia Jerseys and Pink hats are the new fan favorite.
  • Definition: Vari-Dyke: Butch Lesbian in a Varitek Shirt. dubbschism's preferred definition: "A lesbian who makes exceptions for one man, and one man only."
  • Me (regarding one half of a "modern" couple in front of us): It's not like that.
    dubbschism: Yeah it is. Mostly it's his Freddy Mercury 'stache.

Yes, there was a baseball game today. It was a well pitched game by Dice-K, but you can get that from the NESN or from other websites… However I will leave you with some baseball…

  • Brandon Inge cannot play 3B, CF, C or BB
  • Today was a Coco Crisp Showcase game. Here are some things baseball scouts need to know about Coco :
  1. Can Get RBIs
  2. Has entourage with 3 Hummers
  3. Has pick for his hair
  • Lastly I will leave you with a question. You can induce a pregnancy, and a ground ball. What else can you induce?

Pesky Attack Video

If You're Reading This Blog...

dubb: well what if he walked to the T, took it to south station, and then got on an amtrak train back to his home in philadelphia?

ejectedfan: then i would fucking kill him.