Tuesday, April 22, 2008

I AM A PATRIOT, You are not! Patriots Day 2008

Game Report, 4/21/08 vs. Texas Rangers

Our Marathon Monday Trek to Fenway Park starts off at 9:30 AM on the roof deck of the famed Baseball Tavern. I chug beer while Zeitgeist downs Pineapple Juice with Rum to follow up his morning Caucasian Coffee. It’s a beautiful day and what better place to enjoy it than on top of a roof deck behind Fenway? It is the perfect excuse to get trashed prior to the noon bell.

We exit the Baseball tavern at about 10:40 and head to CVS so that Zeitgeist may purchase smokes. As we pass Ramrod's, Zeitgeist exclaims “Damn! Ramrod’s is closed!” to the chagrin of passersby. There is a face painting and balloon making clown at the entrance of CVS. She seems very nice, but has no customers and not exactly an outgoing personality. I tell her that I am too old to participate in her activities, which lets her down a great deal. She attempts to solicit other fans outside of CVS, but to no avail. This CVS has about as much traffic as a whore house after a syphilis epidemic.

As we continue towards the park to Gate B, we encounter a man named Curry. I'm pretty sure he is homeless. Curry has a traffic cone that he uses as a megaphone. Currently he is expounding on the greatness of sausage from the sausage vendor near gate B. Zeitgeist teaches him Italian, “Il Migiliore Salsaice,” and Curry then yells this through the megaphone. The fans in the general area have WTF looks on their faces. By the way, what the hell is up with HE-MAN sized version Ted Williams statue outside of Gate B? I can understand a statue, but why not make it real looking? It is reminiscent of the Second Generation Star Wars figures where they some how try to make Mark Hamill look like Lou Ferrigno.

There are some many beautiful scantily clad women throughout the park today. The biggest buzzkill of the day happens when two incredibly hot chicks sit next to the ejected fan. As it turns out many times in the bleachers at Fenway, they are confused and are supposed to be in section 38, not 37. I toy with the idea of sending Biggs and Dak to section 38 in exchange for these two beautiful specimens.

Zeitgeist is in rare form today - certainly the most intoxicated I have seen him in a while. He is also a stalker with his newly purchased Olympus 5X Zoom Camera. Zeitgeist proceeds to take ass shots of random women throughout the ballpark on "cuisine" setting. Thankfully Zeitgeist fails to get a picture of this larger chick in front of us with a Papelbon shirt. When I say "chick," I'm just being politically correct because this Papelbon fanatic only loosely resembles a woman. During the 3rd inning her shirt rides up to reveal the most disgusting use of a G-String I have seen in my lifetime.

The game got out of hand early for the visiting team and forced us to go smoking on Yawkey way. Zeitgeist had just purchased a new Cooperstown Collection Sox Cap from the Souvenir store. This cap appears to be similar to most other Sox caps except for the exceptional circumference. Fans on Yawkey way proceed to get photos of themselves in this monsterous melon cover. One fan exclaims “I can bail out a boat with this,” while another states “Dude, I got an XL hat on” as he wears one cap on top of the other.

There were a couple of firsts of the season at today's ballgame. We see the first successful Wave at Fenway this season. I guess it had to get warm enough before the wave would appear. We also witness the first appearance of the season for the Manny Delcarmen Bullpen band. The MDC band played some funky African rhythms. Had The Professor been there today, he would have thoroughly enjoyed.

A few notable random observations from today’s game:

  • As I make the journey from Yawkey way back to the bleachers through the grandstand section of Fenway, this girl runs up to the top rail of the grandstands in section 4 and does a flip over the railing. I am pretty certain she has hurt herself when I see this happen. Amazingly, she lands in a seat unscathed with all vertebrae intact. I asked her friend what she calls this acrobatic feat and she says “The JESSICA SUPER REVERSE CLOUGH!”

  • This chick entering Gate B of Fenway says in the thickest Dorchester/Southie Accent: “THIS IS BOOOOOSTON!!!!” After hearing that, I know it is gonna be a good day.

  • These fans behind me look like the Gottis…They proceed to razz a confused fan with an LA Dodgers hat and Brewers Ryan Braun jersey. Yet another fan who is confused and very non-committal, he states he is a fan of baseball and shows them his Sox jacket.

To be continued... Stay Tuned for our next update from Fenway on May 3rd....

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