Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Opening Day 2008: The Vindication of Bill Buckner

Game Report, 4/8/08 vs. Detroit Tigers
I would like to start this blog off by saying I am by no means professional. The fans behind me at Fenway on Opening Day thought that I was a professional reporter for a very small newspaper. The purpose of this blog is to report upon my experiences at Fenway Park throughout the season. The goal of this blog is to entertain me and sometimes others.

There is something to be said about Spring and Opening Day. Hope certainly does spring eternal. We start our journey at the Cask N Flagon. (Rated by ESPN magazine as the number 2 sports bar in the country.) Double Dragon and I arrive at the Cask at 9 AM in order to secure a highly coveted table. We quip that the Cask should auction their tables off on game day like green monster seats.

The view from our table overlooks the Gate E entrance to Fenway Park. This would be of particular attention to the crowd in the Cask and around the ballpark because near this gate was the door that would receive the championship trophies under wraps as well as the Bruins and Celtic players. Teddy Bruschi has become the obligatory participant of these sorts of ceremonies as commonplace as a blue hair at bingo. In addition to the players and championship trophies, the frozen corpse of Nelson De la Rosa was escorted under wraps into Fenway Park through the special door, originally slated to be part of the opening day ceremonies but unfortunately for the fans at Fenway this was scrapped at the last minute due to time constraints.

Double Dragon is the only person in the bar without a Red Sox cap on. He wears a blue and white dodgers cap to distinguish himself from the other bandwagon Sox fans. Our waitress comments that we lack excitement. Double Dragon states that he will feign excitement for the duration of time so that he may change her mind.

All hell breaks loose after our third pitcher of beer. I head to the bathroom to take a piss and find that the bathroom is closed and I am sent to the bathroom in the night club section “Oliver’s”. As I walk to the bathroom I see a huge 20 foot puddle of water on the floor. Someone states that the toilet has backed up and that is what was on the floor. By the time I make it into line for the john, the line is 50 men deep. Fuck, I have never had to piss this bad in my life. It was worse than when I waited in line for the pisser at the old Foxboro stadium. This guy in line next to me yells, “My eyes are turning yellow.” I have decided that I am not pre-gaming at the Cask again. I have decided to refer to this incident as the black water scandal. John Henry was somehow responsible for the backup of the toilets in order to drive fans into Fenway Park to increase concession revenue.

We enter Fenway Park in a very unconventional manner - through the back door entrance of Who’s On First. As I enter the park, Larry Lucchino walks past me. I shout “Larry!” and I get a nice wave from Mr. Lucchino. Larry and I go way back . We met last summer at the Fishermen’s feast in the North End when my friend Ryan’s uncle creeped him out when he told him, “FUCK the CUBS!”
The journey to the bleachers through the grandstand tunnels sucks because of the crowds... The last time I made the journey through these tunnels, I had the privilege of witnessing a dejected Cleveland Indians team leaving Fenway Park after game 7 of the ALCS.

The new bleacher seats are HALF ASS. Literally, you can fit half of the average size ass in theses seats. They seem to be even smaller and more uncomfortable than the old bleachers. The bleacher section has been renamed the Fung Wah section of Fenway Park. Although, Fung Wah boasts a larger seat and more leg room even with the elderly Asian lady sitting on your lap… A flaming Fung Wah bus followed the DHL vans deliver the rings as part of the ring ceremony.

There are some other new additions to Fenway. The Coke bottles have been replaced with twin giant syringes. Fenway park presents the BALCO (in Conjunction with Charles MGH) Wisterol section of seating. Thank you, Double Dragon, for pointing out this new feature at the olde ballpark.

All in all the ring ceremony was rather boring… Dice-K and Varitek are busy playing catch while the rings are being handed out. The ceremony was overshadowed by Fenway Park’s very own attack Hawk. My attention is transferred to the hawk, when it swoops down with a severed finger in its beak. During the jet fly over, the hawk plucked Johnny Pesky in his talons and brought him to his nest. (Click on the link at the end of this entry to see video of the Johnny Pesky attack). The Attack Hawk killed 3 fans and 3 players in opening ceremonies alone. Bryan Corey and Devern Hansack were among the dead. I believe the death toll during the game rose to 18 by the end of the 8th inning. It was like a lunch date with Grendel.

I have to say that Bill Buckner throwing out the first pitch was a special moment for true fans. Finally, Buckner had his day. He can now move on. As a Sox fan this is proof that the organization has truly come around 360 degrees…

Given that this is the first game of the season, there are some rumors about who will play Fenway Park this season. Here are my top five guesses:

  1. Devo
  2. Taylor Dane (not to be confused with adult star Taylor Rain)
  3. NKOTB
  4. Bronson Arroyo
  5. Soft Cell

Here are some other random observations regarding fans at the game….

  • A random fan yells "Birdman" at his buddy walking up the stairs. Truth be told, Birdman does look like a bird. He explains “it’s a college nickname” as he spills $3.50 worth of beer on himself.
  • There is a fat kid in a Pudge jersey watching the game through binoculars. I find this to be an enigma because he was actually watching himself through those binoculars.
  • If you have bald head you will probably get a sun burn today.
  • Dustin Pedroia Jerseys and Pink hats are the new fan favorite.
  • Definition: Vari-Dyke: Butch Lesbian in a Varitek Shirt. dubbschism's preferred definition: "A lesbian who makes exceptions for one man, and one man only."
  • Me (regarding one half of a "modern" couple in front of us): It's not like that.
    dubbschism: Yeah it is. Mostly it's his Freddy Mercury 'stache.

Yes, there was a baseball game today. It was a well pitched game by Dice-K, but you can get that from the NESN or from other websites… However I will leave you with some baseball…

  • Brandon Inge cannot play 3B, CF, C or BB
  • Today was a Coco Crisp Showcase game. Here are some things baseball scouts need to know about Coco :
  1. Can Get RBIs
  2. Has entourage with 3 Hummers
  3. Has pick for his hair
  • Lastly I will leave you with a question. You can induce a pregnancy, and a ground ball. What else can you induce?

Pesky Attack Video

1 comment:

dubbschism said...

you forgot to mention the guest appearance by Sylvester Stalone, in which he extolled the benefits of hGH while the Boston Pops played "gotta fly now" in the background.