Thursday, December 18, 2008

why kill yourself over Roger Clemens? really.

attempting to follow in the footsteps of thousands of Bostonians during the winter on 1996-1997, everyone's favorite 15-year old (formerly, anyway) karaoke singer tried to kill herself (presumably) over the departure (figurative) of roger clemens. it's right here.

the pills she took? they were probably these. word on the street is she had an SI photo shoot coming up.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Life is Good?

Life is Good?
You've seen the t shirts, caps, sweats and other swag with this slogan. Even if life is good, why do you have to brag about it? I wonder if the CEO's from AIG were wearing this stuff around the resort while planning the company's post government bail out restructuring. In this economic downturn life is not that good for a lot of people in this country. That being said I prefer a more realistic approach to a clothing line like: Life is not good; depecting the negative but all too real aspects of life. Like those funny warning signs you see showing you what could happen to you if you use a tool improperly or bring a telephone into the bathtub.

So the question I pose is: Will life be good for Scott Boras and baseball's free agents? I guess life is already good for anyone making over a million dollars a year and additionally those playing professional sports for a living, but in this economic environment why should Manny Ramirez expect a pay raise? I understand supply and demand, but what kind of economic conditions would have to be in place to make MLB teams balk at an expected salary by one of Scott Boras' clients? The answer is that I don’t think we will see it in this lifetime. Barring a great depression, baseball salaries will continue to rise. The popularity of Major League Baseball is at an all time high. As long as teams are winning, they can expect to be profitable. The Red Sox have become the blue print for this type of success. As long as team management has a commitment to winning and running the franchise as a business by making shrewd and thorough business decisions, success can be had. This formula along with the many improvements to Fenway Park, have led the red sox to two world series championships and to a MLB attendance record.
Teams that can afford to spend do spend. They have to spend in order to be competitive, but success is had by spending wisely. The Mets and Yankees have spent quite a bit in recent years but it has not led to playoff success. Major League Baseball has seen some pretty terrible free agent signings over the years from: Albert Belle with the Orioles, Mo Vaughn and Pedro Martinez with the Mets, Barry Zito with the Giants, and Carl Pavano and Kevin Brown with the Yankees to name some of the worst. Granted it is a crap shoot in determing a players success, but the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Teams should spend the most on the players with the best consistent track record, young guys like Texiera, and not give in to Boras' demands for sub par players past their prime like Jason Varitek.

Ultimately, demand for the player is the most important factor in salary negotiations. Scott Boras creates fictious demand for clients like Jason Varitek, claiming that there are suitors for a sub par catcher who can miraculously help you "win you 60 percent of your baseball games". During Varitek's last free agency bid, Boras made the claim that there were a number of other teams that were interested in Varitek's services, yet these teams never seemed to materialize. This time around, Theo Epstein is not afraid to call Boras's bluff in this game of high stakes chicken.

Players should be rewarded based on their performance, not by some contrived scheme by a super agent to maximize player revenue. Factors like behavior must also beconsidered. Teams are willing to turn a blind eye to players who have behavioral issues if that player can be productive like Manny Ramirez or John Rocker. Personally, I dont think Ramirez deserves a big contract based on his behavior in Boston. You would think that a free spirit like Manny Ramirez or Pedro Martinez would not mind leaving that last buck on the table and opting for comfort over money. Yet, the mentality is that a player feels disrespected if they dont collect every last drop of money coming to them. Then the super agent enters from stage right playing on these emotions. Despite an increased tax for the super rich under the Obama plan, MLB players will not feel the pinch that the rest of the country is feeling. Even given Varitek's declining statistics, I seriously doubt that Varitek and Boras will leave that last buck on the table.

I happen to like Jason Varitek. I even shook his hand the night he put a catcher's mitt to AROD's face. However, from a business standpoint, you have to assign a value to each player based on their performance. Given Varitek's age and declining ability, I dont think he should be granted a long term high dollar contract.

Mr. Varitek, despite the divorce, despite the economy, despite your swiss cheese bat, life is still good, even if you only get a one year contract worth $10 million dollars or less.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008


add now to his already impressive list of hardware (RoY, GG, SS), the 2008 AL MVP award. not a bad choice by the writers, as it blends the "traditional" standards (he played on a playoff team, was renowned for his grit and hustle, hit the fuck out of the ball) but his objective value was quite high as well (great defense, middle infielder with offensive value, 20 for 21 in steals (!!!!)), so you probably won't hear alot of whining from either side about this one.

i'm also impressed with the writers for giving Poo-holes his due in the NL, and not letting their voting hands slip on the drool generated by Ryan Howard's RsBI and home runs. now if we can just do something about Edinson Volquez's rookie eligibility.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Stay Classy, Maryland

Just seen on ABC during the Maryland/North Carolina game.

Kobe Bryant would like to know how their ass tastes.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Varitek and watney were just

Varitek and watney were just shown on the jumbo-tron at the celtics game. One of them, at least, will not be with us next year.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Matt Garza, Mr. Mucus

Did anyone else find Matt Garza's phlegm spitting with every pitch utterly disgusting last night? Matt Garza has my vote for ugliest creature to ever pitch a gem in an ALCS playoff game.

Matt, maybe you should try Mucinex before your World Series start....

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Return of Scooter

Hey Kids, I am a knuckle ball. I fly at you at a whopping 50 MPH. When I am left up in the zone I get crushed over the green monster. When it's low let it go! When it's high let it fly! Evan Longoria and Erik Aybar know this.
You have a 50/50 chance of winning a ball game when I'm thrown. Tim Wakefield has made a career out of me…. But I am the KMART of pitches... A cheap alternative to a real pitch like a fastball, slider, curve, or change up.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Overuse to the max.

do you know which phrase, out of all the phrases in the world, that i hate the most? i'll give you a clue. Pedro Gomez (who apparently finally got to unglue his head from Barry Bonds' shrunken testicles) just said it on Sportscenter.

"This [Thursday's game 2 between the Cubbies and Trolley Dodgers] is a must-win game for the Cubs."

he (and i'd be willing to guess >80% of the sports reporters that say "must-win") is incorrect, since the NLDS is a five game series. the Cubs would like to win tomorrow, and it would greatly improve their chances of not LOSING the series, but, come on Pedro, isn't there a plausible situation in which the Cubs could lose game 2, but still win the series? like, maybe they lose game 2 but then sweep the remaining three games? did that contigency just completely elude you when you did the analysis of this series? or are you just not aware of the definition of the word "must" ?

let me help you out.

Definitions of must on the Web:

- a necessary or essential thing; "seat belts are an absolute must"

- grape juice before or during fermentation

- mustiness: the quality of smelling or tasting old or stale or mouldy

okay, maybe, MAYBE you meant that if the Cubs win tomorrow, they get to drink lots of grape juice that is on the verge of fermentation, and if that's the case, i deeply apologize for the aforementioned denigration of your reporting stylings. but otherwise, come on.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

The Life of an NFL Holder

Here's a shot of Saints punter/holder Steve Weatherford holding the potential game-winning kick in today's 34-32 loss to the Broncos. Notice anything?

Apparently the luxuries of being a holder include not having to remove your watch and/or wedding ring. Awesome.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

NEWS FLASH: Devern Hansack is ALIVE!!!!

Apparently, the infamous Fenway Hawk did not actual kill Devern Hansack as reported on Opening Day by the Ejected Fan. Devern must have somehow escaped from the hawk's lair and has a new AFRO doo to show for it. Devern was released just in time to be called up by the Red Sox on their expanded roster. Good luck Devern!

!Viva Nicaragua!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Because Mike Lupica is my favorite sports writer.

no, the title of this book is not Mike Lupica by Summer Ball. indeed, it is the other way around. but Mike Lupica is convinced that he is Moses and his Daily News columns are stone tablets, so it's no surprise that his name is the most prominent feature on many of his books.

from his latest:
The Yankees survived what would have been their worst loss of the season Monday, survived by a 13-9 score against a Tigers team they led 11-2 after three innings. They survived because Brian Bruney got Miguel Cabrera out with two men on and one out when the Tigers were on their way back, and because Derek Jeter got a two-out, two-RBI hit in the sixth when it was 11-9.
now, the box score from the game in question is right here. but you don't even have to click to get the point i'm about to make, because Lupica put it right into his own article - "...and because Derek Jeter got a two-out, two-RBI hit in the sixth when it was 11-9." the final score of this game was 13-9 which, of course, renders jeter's two-out, two-RBI hit in the sixth completely meaningless. seriously, jeter was just praised by Lupica for a superfluous single. he attributed the yankee win (in part) to that very hit, despite the fact that if cap'n intangibles had his left eye (his hitting eye) impaled by a Placido Polanco maple bat shard whilst ranging far to the right on (and subsequently missing) a ground ball in the 5th inning and he had to be air-lifted to the Mass Eye and Ear Infirmary at MGH to get a new eye grown from George Steinbrenner's stem cells and therefore missed the next three innings but was back in time for the 9th and was re-inserted into the game via an ad hoc change to MLB's offical rulebook informally known as "the jeter rule" but it was too late because his spot in the order didn't come up in the 9th inning anyway, the yankees still would have won.

meanwhile, you get 20,800 (about) results if you google "a rod home run meaningless." because he is an ass who only hits homers when his team is either down by a margin his homerun cannot single-handedly erase or they are already winning. in both situations, of course, his home run is meaningless. but jeter is commended for putting up such production.

peace out, fuckers. i'm moving to Banladesh where shit like this doesn't happen.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Alex Rodriguez Suicide Watch

so today is my last day of work in the insurance industry before i retire (seriously), so why not burn out by doing a trifle bit of blogging?

right, then. if i were a close friend of alex rodriguez, my name would be Madonna. and as Madonna, i would make sure to keep alex away from razor blades, sleeping pills, and nooses, because a man can only take so much abuse before he gives in and kicks the chair. it's not that he's going to scan Lupica's article here (which, like all of Lupica's articles, reads like a fifth grader's book report, except without shitty hand-drawn pictures of the characters), polish a pistol, and swallow a bullet. i hope he's learned to insulate himself from the media since his move to the Bronx. i mean, clearly the man knows how to handle himself with aplomb whilst in the camera's eye (joking), so i can only imagine he's not riding home on the subway reading the Daily News. (actually, can't you just imagine A-rod going home, asking his butler for a grape popsicle and today's issues of the tabloids, laying belly down on a canopy bed fretting over the stories about himself? kind of like a 13-year old girl reading about the Jonas brothers, only a lot more whining and squealing.)

seriously though - i'm sure A-Rod ignores the tabloids. but how do you ignore 55,058 jerks booing you mercilessly while just 25 feet to your left stands a man insulated from any sort of adversity, despite the fact he is OPS+'ing 56 points lower than you, isn't banging hot shemale strippers, and has "Sanderson" for a middle name? sure, A-Rod gets paid the most, says the dumbest things, and has that annoying "best player in the game and maybe in history" collar around his neck, but i'm sure he's asking himself every single day of his life, "is it really fucking worth it?"

i genuinely feel sorry for the man.

Who Will Hit MLB's 250,000th Home Run?

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Red Sox vs. Yankees, August 26, 2008 *LIVE BLOG*

It is I, liveblogger extraordinaire Smarty Barrett, here to bring you the first game of this key 3-game series in the Bronx. Last series at Yankee Stadium, blah blah blah. Let's have a look-see at these lineups:

Red Sox
1. Jacoby Ellsbury RF
2. Dustin Pedroia 2B
3. David Ortiz DH
4. Kevin Youkilis 3B
5. Jason Bay LF
6. Jed Lowrie SS
7. Coco Crisp CF
8. Jeff Bailey 1B
9. Kevin Cash C

P Tim Wakefield

1. Johnny Damon CF
2. Derek Jeter SS
3. Bobby Abreu RF
4. Alex Rodriguez 3B
5. Jason Giambi 1B
6. Xavier Nady LF
7. Hideki Matsui DH
8. Robinson Cano 2B
9. Jose Molina C

P Andy Pettitte

Amelie Benjamin and Heidi Watney are talking. I am not paying attention to a word they are saying and I don't care. Man, this is great TV. Earlier Eck and TC were talking about the 2003 ALCS for some reason. Yankee Stadium history! Folklore! Momument Park! Toilet-shaped! Some real news now, apparently Lowell is ready to come back. F'n awesome. Jeff Bailey is starting at 1B tonight...that's all you need to know about how bad this team needs Mike L. No offense, JB. And NESN opens with a bit of a Sox/Yankees at Yankee Stadium montage, backed by some Godsmack. Interesting choice. And we're about to go here, so let me throw out a prediction - I like the Yanks to win this one, unfortunately, my guess is 7-3. I like J-Bay to go deep though. Let's roll.

Top 1
Here's Jacoby to lead it off against Andy Little. And he's quickly down 0-2. And then he grounds out to Cano, 1 down. Your 3rd base ump tonight is Fieldin Culbreth. What a great name. Here's Pedroia. And he taps a little check-swing roller to Giambi who takes it to the bag himself, 2 down. Now Papi. And some close pitches called balls and Ortiz draws a walk. One on, two out, and here's Youk. More close pitches being called balls - I like it but I don't know if it bodes well for Wake and the knuckler. 3-0 count to KY. And Pettitte works it to full, Ortiz will be rumbling from first on the pitch. Ball four! Two on now, with two outs, and here's my boy J-Bay. And he works a full count, runners will be off from 1st and 2nd...and Bay flies to right and Pettitte escapes, no score going to the bottom of the first.

Bottom 1
Wakefield is fresh off the DL and ready to face Johnny Damon. And he greets him with a homer, 1-0 Yankees. A little flare down the RF line that curled around the pole. Here we go. The Lord Christ Almighty is up now, and he grounds out to Youk at 3rd, one gone. Here's Abreu, and he quickly grounds to Pedroia, two down. Now for Mr. Madonna. And Wakey gets him looking, so he settles in nicely after the Damon tater, 1-0 Yankees after one.

Top 2
The SS of the future leads it off against Pettitte. And Lowrie strikes out looking. Coco at the dish now. And he hits a soft liner to right, Abreu comes in and grabs it, quickly two outs once again. Coco may have broken his bat on that one. Tiger Woods is in the house. Now Bailey. And he hits a soft roller down the 3B line and he reaches on the IF single. Almost a swinging bunt right there. Cash Money stands in now, runner at first and two down. And ouch, Cash just fouled one off Molina's shoulder and he's down. He looks to be OK though. Cash hits a roller down to 3rd, very similar to Bailey's. A-Rod charges, bobbles, and everyone is safe. That will probably go as another infield hit. And once again, the Sox have runners at first and second and two down for Jacoby. And he slaps one down the LF line for a base hit, here comes Bailey and we're tied at 1. That's how you hit with two down! And Pedroia quickly rips one down to 3rd, A-Rod fields the hot shot and touches the bag, inning over. Jacoby and the Sox tie it though, 1-1, headed for the bottom of the 2nd.

Bottom 2
Giambi leading it off here, and he grounds one right at Wakefield, he makes the play, one gone. Now Nady, and he hits a soft pop-up to first, Bailey makes the catch in foul ground and there's quickly two down. Matsui at the dish, and he grounds a single into right, one on with two outs for one of the worst hitters in baseball. Wake is ahead of him 1-2 here, but Cano rips a single up the middle, and my jinx sticks with me. Now the Yanks threatening with two on and two out. Here's one of the 73 Molina brothers. Jose rips a single up the middle, and that's going to score Matsui, Yanks back on top 2-1. Friggin' Wakefield. Can you hold 'em for once? Now Damon. 3-run homer, perhaps? Nope, a harmless grounder to 2nd, Pedroia makes the play and the 2nd is over, but not before Wakefield gives a run right back, 2-1 Yankees.

Top 3
Ortiz leads off here in the third. He quickly works the count to 3-1 and then rips one into the centerfield gap. Ortiz chugs into second with a leadoff double. Youk now, and Pettitte is already at 50 pitches. And now Youk rips one down the right field line, fair, into the corner, tie ballgame. Ortiz scores and it's 2-2. Double for Youk. And here's J-Bay. And he rolls one up the middle for a single that will score Youkilis, Sox on top 3-2! Hell yeah. Pettitte starting to get slapped around here now, and he is throwing a ton of pitches. Lowrie at the dish now, still no outs here. He makes Pettitte throw some more pitches, but then grounds into a DP, Cano unassisted to first, and there's quickly two down. Coco trying to keep the inning going now. But instead he goes down looking on three pitches, inning over. But the Sox get two and they lead 3-2 going to the bottom of the 3rd.

Bottom 3
Can Wake hold this? Let's find out. The greatest player to ever put on a baseball uniform pops to second for the first out. Abreu now, and he rips one up the middle, out of the reach of Lowrie for a hit. Man, every hit Wake is giving up is going straight into center. Remy says "Abreu can run, he has 14 steals but he's been caught 10 times." I would disagree, Rem Dawg. I would say that is someone who can't run. A-Rod now hits a roller to short, Lowrie moving towards third gloves, to 2nd for one, and to first! Double play! Inning over! Nasty play, 3-2 Sox after 3.

Top 4
Bailey, Cash and Jacoby in the 4th. This trio led to the first run, so let's see what they can do here. Bailey works a full count (more pitches!) but then grounds to 2nd for out number one. Cash Money stands in, and Pettitte walks him on four pitches. Man, there is no way Andy is going to make it to the 6th, Sox are really working him here. Jacoby now, one on, one out. Pettitte falls behind 2-1 and he is not happy with the home plate ump. And now Andy gets Ellsbury looking on a pitch that looked WAY outside. Jeez, if all you need to do is whine to get some calls, then I suggest the Sox get on it. Cash still at first with two outs now, and Pedroia up. He grounds one to A-Rod who charges. gloves, and throws out Dustin. Side retired, headed to the bottom of the 4th, still 3-2 Sox.

Bottom 4
Pettitte's at 78 pitches through four. Whew. Maybe he will make it to the 6th, but not much farther. Sox aren't making this easy for him. Giambi leads off, and he flies to Ellsbury in right, one down. Nady up now, and he draws a one-out walk. Here's Matsui and he cranks one too deep right...but not deep enough. Ellsbury makes the catch in front of the wall, two outs. And now Cano grounds one to second, Pedroia makes the play, and we're done with four, still 3-2 Sox.

Top 5
Ortiz leading off here, and Pettitte throws his 80th pitch for ball one to Ortiz, 1-1 is the count. Now Ortiz cranks the 81st pitch to deep right, but Abreu grabs it right in front of the W.B. Mason sign, one loud out. Now Youkilis. And he grounds Pettitte's 86th pitch to short, two outs. J-Bay up here, and I'm still waiting for him to go deep. Pettitte is going to hit 90 pitches here. And Bay ground pitch number 91 into center for a base hit. One on, two outs. Will he hit 100 pitches in the 5th? I'd love to see it. Lowrie here, and he rolls pitch number 93 into right field for another base hit! Bay stops at 2nd, and more 2 out baserunners for the Sox. Here's Coco with two on and two out. Here comes pitch 96, and it's way inside, almost hits Coco. 2-1 count. And Coco loops one to right, it falls in for a hit! Bay scores, Lowrie heads for 3rd, he's safe, and it's 4-2 Sox! Hell yeah, Coco! Now Bailey up, and Coco steals second on the first pitch. Molina threw down even with two outs, but Lowrie stayed put at 3rd. Now two in scoring position for Bailey. Brian Bruney up in the Yankee pen. And you bet Pettitte will hit 100 pitches, here comes pitch 101. And Bailey rips one down the third-base line, it hits the bag and goes right to A-Rod, he throws to first from foul ground...and Bailey is safe! And TWO runs score! Coco in from second and it's 6-2 Sox! That'll be it for Pettitte, here comes Bruney. Pitching change coming at you, and the Sox have broken it open! Here's Cash to face Bruney, and he rips one to 3rd, A-Rod gloves and whips it to 1st for the out. But a big inning here in the 5th has the Sox on top 6-2.

Bottom 5
Now Wakey has a 4-run lead to work with. Molina leads off, and he flies to center for the first out. Here's Damon. And Johnny pops one down the right-field line again, and it's gone AGAIN! It's now 6-3 Sox. Another home run, almost the exact same spot, about as short as you can hit a ball in this dump and have it go out. And now Jeter singles to left and I'm reminded that no lead is safe with Tim Wakefield on the hill. One on, one out, one in, and here's Abreu. And now HE singles to left! Wakefield is so eager to give this back, jeez. Now A-Rod, the tying run and it could very easily be 6-6 very soon. Javier Lopez getting loose for the Sox. And Wakefield battles A-Rod and finally gets him to fly to center, two outs. And boos rain down on A-Rod. Here's Giambi, this is a crucial AB - get this guy, Wakey. And he does - Giambi flies to center, Coco grabs it, and my heart resumes beating. 6-3 Sox after 5.

Top 6
Bruney dealing with the top of the order now. Ellsbury flies to center for the first out, and here's Pedroia. He really works Bruney and gets a walk out of it, one on with one out. Lopez continuing to throw, and it looks like he'll pitch the bottom of the 6th. Ortiz up. He works a walk on a very close pitch. And here's Girardi to the mound. I've never seen a manager to the mound this much in non-pitching changes. Do these guys have a pitching coach? First and second one down for Youkilis. And now HE walks! Bruney is handing out the bases-on-balls, sacks drunk with one out for J-Bay. Bring me that homer, Bay! Big swing, but a deep fly to left. Nady grabs it, Pedroia tags, and a sac fly for Bay makes it 7-3. Now Lowrie works a long AB that ends with a fly to center. We're going to the bottom of the 6th, 7-3 Sox.

Bottom 6
I assume we'll be seeing Lopez here. We do, and he'll face Nady first, who flies to center for the first out. Matsui up now, and he breaks his bat and grounds out to Pedroia for the 2nd out. Wow, this game has slowed down a lot. Wake and Andy were working quickly, now it's just dragging. And Cano strikes out, loses his bat and it ends up in the Hudson River somewhere. Jeez. Inning over, nice clean work from Lopez, and we're done with 6, 7-3 Sox.

Top 7
New pitcher on for the Yanks, whom I have never heard of. David Robertson? Well, here he goes, dealing with Coco, and he tries to bunt but it rolls foul. And now he slaps an 0-2 pitch to right for a base hit. Here's Jeff Bailey, and we may see Coco steal here. He doesn't as Bailey strikes out looking, one out. Cash Money up now. Snap throw to first and Crisp is just back. Giambi missed the tag, looks like. This guy Robertson has a pretty sick curve, and he gets Cash on a check swing, two outs. And now Coco goes with Ellsbury up, and Molina gets him for out number three. That's it for the top of the 7th..stretch time! 7-3 Sox.

Bottom 7
Changes for the Sox: Cora in at SS, Lowrie moves from SS to 3B, and Youk moves from 3B to 1B. Cora will hit in Bailey's spot. And Manny Delcarmen in to pitch for the Sox. Molina due up, but Pudge Rodriguez, aka The Incredible Shrinking Man will hit. Masterson and Okajima getting loose behind MDC. I like this bullpen rotation they're using tonight. And MDC gets Pudge swinging. Here's Damon, and here's the Delcarmen I know, as he walks Johnny on 4 pitches. Bow your heads in his presence, here's Jeter set to will his team to victory. And he singles to right, Damon up to second, first and second one out for Abreu. We may be seeing Masterson and/or Okajima very soon. Ball one. This is the Manny Delcarmen experience folks - fasten seatbelts. 2-0. Abreu fouls one off and it's 2-1. Another foul and the count is even at two. Come on, MDC! And Delcarmen bounces one in for ball three, full count. The 3-2...and first Cash wants time to talk to his pitcher. And ball four is in the dirt, bases loaded, and Delcamen is done. Pathetic. Pitching change coming at you, here comes Masterson. I don't get Delcarmen, if he can't get outs, why is he on this team? Well, here we go, bases loaded, one out, 7-3 Sox, bottom 7, A-Rod at the plate. Strike one. And now a hard grounder to short. Cora gloves, touches second, on to first! BOOS RAIN DOWN! Double play-Rod strikes again! 7-3 Sox, bring on the 8th!

Top 8
Here's Ellsbury, who pops one to shallow right, Cano makes the catch rather lazily, one out. Pudge stays in to catch, your new pitcher is Edwar Ramirez. Your batter is Dustin Pedroia, and he grounds to A-Rod. The boos are loud and often as soon as he touches the ball. His throw to first is booed, booed louder, and booed some more. Two outs. Now Ortiz rips one down the right field line for a two-out double. And Girardi will put Youk on intentionally and face Bay with two on. Now Bay rips one to third. A-Rod bobbles, boots, throws to first and Giambi can't handle it. Remy thinks it should be a hit and I agree. But they assess the error. The booing is just incessant now. Bases loaded, two down for Lowrie. And he lines one right at Cano for out number three. A-Rod better hope he doesn't get another AB in this one; 7-3 Sox.

Bottom 8
Masterson only threw two pitches, my guess is he'll be back out there with Oki and Paps getting ready behind him. And it is Masterson, and he falls behind Giambi 3-0. And it is Oki and Paps behind him. I will be happy to manage your little league team. Giambi grounds one into the shift, but Pedroia boots it and Giambi is safe on the E4. Now Nady singles to left, and there's two on with no outs and here comes Tito. Okajima coming in. And he'll deal with Matsui first. Works the count to 2-2, and Oki is working him away, away, away. Full count now. And Oki gets him looking! Sick pitch! One down. Cano at the dish now, still first and second but now one out. Oki ahead one and two, and they gotta know that Cano will occasionally swing at a bad pitch. And now another full count. And Oki induces the pop-up...Pedroia under it, and there's two down. And Papelbon is going to get four outs. Nice job for Oki, were you taking notes Delcarmen? 7-3 Sox, and it's Pap time with two outs in the eighth. And here's a 5'4" catcher, and one pitch, a grounder to Papelbon and that will do it! Not a good night to be a Rodriguez. 7-3 Sox going to the 9th.

Top 9
The portly Chris Britton is on to pitch for the Yankees, and Coco greets him with a bloop single to right. Now Cora's first AB, and Remy wonders if they would bunt here. I'm not a big bunting person, but this doesn't seem like a bad time for one. But they don't and Cora flies out to right for the first out. Here's Cash Money. And he singles to left, two on with one out. Jacoby stands in, and Britton gets him looking for out number two. Here's Pedroia, oddly enough the only Sox starter without a hit tonight. And he rips one, but right at A-Rod and he catches the liner for the out. Time for Papelbon to close this one out, still 7-3 Sox.

Bottom 9
Top of the order vs. Paps. Damon leads off, and Papelbon quickly gets him swinging. Owned. Here's God. And he grounds one to Lowrie at 3rd and he boots it, stays with it and throws, but it is way too late and Jeter clutchly reaches on an E5. Let's see A-Rod do THAT. Actually, with that bobble it becomes very likely that we will see A-Rod in the 9th. How awesome would it be if he made the last out? Either way, he is going to hear it and hear it bad when he comes up. Or he may not - grounder to 2nd, Pedroia to Cora to Youk... but Abreu beats it. So two down for Boo-Rod, who is booed. Good news for him is he can't hit into the double-play here. And it's now 1-2 to A-Rod. Oh man a K would be sweet. The sad thing is if he homers here, they will talk about how it was a completely meaningless hit. But he K's! And this one's over! 0-5 night for disgrace-Rod and the Red Sox take this one 7-3. Good clean strong win, and a BIG win. I can breathe easier for the rest of the series now, cuz we ain't gettin' swept. Yankees season may very well be over. I'm greedy now and I want the Sox to go for the jugular.

Goodnight, everyone!

Straight Flush

So a lot is being made in the local and national media concerning this upcoming series between the Sox and Yankees. The recurring storyline highlights the fact that this is the Red Sox last regular season series in the boogey-down Bronx. I just don't get why everyone, especially around here, is getting all sentimental about Yankee Stadium, aka America's largest outdoor urinal. The place is a dump - I say the sooner they blow it up, the better. You won't see us here at the Ejected Fan doing any foolish tributes or regaling you with nonsensical anecdotes. Save that for your grandma's blog.

That said, this upcoming series is a huge one in terms of playoff implications. The Red Sox have the chance to bury the Yankees for good, and have us get a head start on planning our Yankee elimination parties. Most Yankee blogs I have read think the Yankees need to sweep this series to keep their post-season hopes alive. I can't say I disagree.

Here at the Ejected Fan we tend to get a little fired up for Sox/Yankees showdowns, and this series is no different. So in honor of that, yours truly will be live-blogging tonight's game, and possibly tomorrow night's as well. So if you're looking for a solid breakdown of the action complete with passion, humor, and plenty of swearing, check it out. SB has you covered. And don't be afraid to let me have it in the comments or via email:

See you tonight!

Carl Pavano: Worst Yankee Signing Ever?

....This was one of those rare times when Carl Pavano actually threw a pitch in a Yankee uniform last week. The Ejected Fan remembers wishing and hoping during the 2004 off-season that somehow this New Britain, Connecticut native would again be wearing the Red Sox laundry. Thankfully for the Red Sox sake this did not happen. Pavano was drafted by the Sox back in '94 and was part of the deal that brought Pedro to Boston. As a Yankee, Pavano has been plagued by injury since his debut in 2005. Pavano had a shoulder injury in '05, a bruised buttocks and broken ribs in '06 and then Tommy John elbow surgery in '07. Since '05, Pavano has started a total of 20 games with the Yankees, the majority coming in the '05 season. Saturday was the first start since April of 2007. During Spring Training of '07, Yankee pitcher Mike Mussina even questioned Pavano's dedication to the Yankees. Mussina wondered if everything was just coincidence. In December of '07 Yankee managment offered Pavano a minor league contract which his agent refused.
The Ejected Fan has run some numbers on Pavano. As a Yankee, Pavano has earned an estimated $5,980,769 per win, an estimated $1,794, 230 per start and an estimated $552,071 per strikeout.
The Yankee website The Jason Giambi Mustache Squad, which sponsors Pavano's Baseball Reference page states," Carl Pavano is to the Yankees as the movie Ghost Dad is to American cinema. Not even a mustache could save that guy." I don't remember too much about Ghost Dad, but I do remember Bill Cosby was in it...
Even if Pavano morphs into Sandy Koufax for the remainder of the season, the Yankees have very little shot of making the playoffs. I hope the preceding statement does not in anyway jinx that likelihood. As a Red Sox fan, I just want to thank embedded Red Sock Carl Pavano for his many years of service as a Yankee.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Chex Mix, Matt Ryan, and more in the Mass Hysteria fantasy football draft

So Thursday night was the inaugural draft for the Mass Hysteria fantasy football league.  The league consists of the four regular bloggers on the site, myself, and several other regular commenters and other bloggers from around the interwebs.  The decision was made to do the league on Yahoo!, and as a veteran of Yahoo! Fantasy leagues, I noticed a few changes.  First, the incredible whoring of Chex Mix ALL OVER the draft window. Add to that the dramatic countdown leading up to the first pick, complete with numbers in 252 pt. font enveloping the screen and it bordered on ridiculous. But the draft itself was a blast. The highlight for me was drafting Matt Ryan, much to the chagrin of our own Hazel Mae's Landing Strip. As you may or may not know, his man-love for Matty R. knows no bounds. I knew I was going to have to strike at just the right time if I were to land him, and I did.

Here's the final roster for my team, and I look forward to representing the Ejected Fan well in this league:

Osi Human Urine
(yes that is my team name, and yes I did hear about this. Take that, fucker.)

QB Tom Brady
RB Larry Johnson
RB Reggie Bush
WR Chad Johnson
WR Dwayne Bowe
WR Donte' Stallworth
TE Vernon Davis
K Josh Scobee
DEF Philadelphia

QB Matt Ryan
RB Deuce McAllister
RB Rashard Mendenhall
WR Kevin Curtis
TE Tony Scheffler

Let's get it on.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Semi-irregular Jon Lester First Ballot Hall of Fame Update

Jon Lester's record as of Aug. 22nd: 12-4

Probability that Lester is elected to the National Baseball Hall of Fame on the first ballot: 6%

This means there is a 6% chance of the Ejected Fan doing incalculable damage to my groin area. If that indeed happens, I propose to my fellow bloggers that we hire this boy to recap the action:

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Jason Varitek and Heidi Watney?

in case you're wondering, that's Heidi Watney in the Wally getup, and they're reading the Kama Sutra.

could the rumors be true? since everyone keeps ending up here in an attempt for verification, i guess we'll address at least the possibility. From

Sox catcher Jason Varitek (above) is splitting with his wife, Karen. The team captain filed for divorce July 28 in Gwinnett County, Ga., where the couple live in the offseason. They were married in 1997 and have three daughters, ages 8, 6, and 3. Varitek is in the final year of a four-year, $40-million contract he signed after the BoSox won the World Series in 2004.

now, i'm not entirely sure how much NESN is paying Heidi Watney to do her Erin Andrews impression in the bleachers at Fenway, but i bet it's not 1% of what an aging goateed catcher with a swiss cheese bat is making these days.

Chupacabra versus Bigfoot **UPDATE** BIGFOOT HOAX?

As an avid viewer of Monster Quest, Ejected Fan has come across some "Monster" updates this week. Apparently, a body of the legendary Bigfoot has been found this week. The website has been overloaded with hits. In addition there is video footage of a Chupacabra making news this week. Personally, I think the Bigfoot finding, if real, is a much more signifcant find because of the evolutionary significance to humans.

I pose the question to readers: Which finding is more significant?
**UPDATE** It appears from the Bigfoot press conference on friday that the bigfoot finding was a hoax.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

And honestly, he'll appreciate the kind of straight-forward manner in which you told him your decision.

So in my daily visit to my semi-new favorite Boston-area sports blog Mass Hysteria, I read one of their daily features (written by friend HzMLS) and he essentially predicted a Rays downfall after the injuries to both Evan Longoria and Carl Crawford. I posted a comment on the blog, and because I felt like it was misinterpreted, dubbschism and I discussed via email:

Smarty Barrett: My point wasn't the Pythagorean record, my point was that bloggers, pundits and others are going to predict a slide for the Rays because of the loss of Crawford and Longoria, but the fact is a slide was inevitable anyway. i.e. a slip in their record and a slip in the standings would have occurred regardless (and independent) of any injuries. So when they start to slip, injuries will be cited, but the fact of the matter is that any decline will not be 100% due to the loss of 2 stars.

dubbschism: yes. i agree for the most part, however, we're approaching the point in the season where the pythag is less and less meaningful as far as predicting the actual final standings go, since there's not a lot of time for the records to correct themselves. it's more useful at this point as far as predicting theoretical standings, but there's only about 40 games left. make sense? it's entirely possible that their run differential over the next 40 games would match up with their record thus far, esp with the addition of baldelli, but it's much more unlikely now that two of their better players are gone.

SB: I agree. We should have already started to see a regression towards the mean in all cases for all teams - Pythag record is not always correct, mostly because of luck in one-run games and such. I feel that it does tell us how good a team actually is - example: the 2007 Mariners finished with a 88-74 record, but their pythag was 80-82. That team was not that good.

The point I was trying to make is that, in theory, the Rays run differential could maintain the same pace it has throughout the season and they would still slip in the standings. Citing injuries to explain their decline would not be telling the whole story. The larger point is predicting a slide for the Rays now is easy, but would they have slid without the injuries? I say yes but we'll never know now. And Sox fans are all excited that they have some key players hurt now and if the Sox do come back and win the division, Longoria and Crawford's injuries will be cited. I just don't think simply saying 2 guys got hurt is a sufficient explanation. Picking the Rays to falter now is easy. Picking them to falter two weeks ago, as I did, would not have been "popular."

My mom says I'm a catch.

DS: well when you see Evan Baseball Hero in the hospital, tell him he played a great game. Tell him you liked his article in the newspaper.

his WARP is 6.5. willy aybar's is .8. over the rest of the season, that's about 2 wins. which could be significant.

SB: So you're saying it could cost them a win at least every two weeks? Once every two weeks?

It could be significant. But if the Red Sox win the division by four games, then I will cite run differential and not Longoria's injury.

DS: well let's put it this way: given current run diffs, we'd expect the rays to go 25-20 the rest of the way. (with Longoria.) we'd expect the sox to go 25-18. as it currently stands, that's not enough to make up the 4 games. but, if Longoria disappears, suddenly the rays go 23-22...and bingo, Dino DNA. a 3-game difference.

SB: But if you use log5 to break down the Rays remaining games, they're more likely to go 23-22 anyway, and that was factored in before the loss of Longoria and Crawford. So just beware, when John Kruk tells you why the Rays are losing games, don't believe him.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Semi-Irregular Miguel Tejada Home Run Update

today's date: 08/08/08
Miggy's current HR total: 11
Miggy's projected HR total, should he keep up this pace: 16
probability that the ejected fan wins my $20, unscrupulously puts it in a Roth IRA with hopes of the principal maturing into the approximately $6,000* it would cost him for reconstructive surgery so as to look like Eddie Vedder, then spends the $6,000 on reconstructive surgery so as to look like Eddie Vedder: 15%
probability that the ejected fan would get recontructive surgery so as to look like Eddie Vedder, if he had the money to spend regardless of Miggy's 2008 HR stats: 97%.

*i calculated this number using a complex algorithm involving costs of various plastics surgeries people have undergone in an effort to emulate their favorite celebrities. the actual cost would be $6,124. it's accurate.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Changing of the guard: 3rd game with new comer Jason Bay in left field. Sox Complete Sweep of A’s

I want to start off by saying that this blog is evolving. Over these summer months, it has become a bit of a chore to sit in front of the computer and recap the events of a particular game. Next year The Ejected Fan will evolve into a more inspired effort. EF will only blog when truly inspired. This will keep things fresh with less of a homework type feel.

By Sunday, the drama of Manny Ramirez had long since run its course like a sort of unavoidable car crash. After the Manny Ramirez demolition derby, the Sox were left with a capable All Star left fielder in Jason Bay. The sentiment among fans was similar to that of the Nomar trade from ’04. Look at what happened to the Sox after that. Bay had already come up big in his first two games on the Sox and would continue that trend today. In the first inning, Bay made a nice throw to second to throw out a runner trying to stretch a single into a double.

Sunday was the ejected fan’s birthday. In honor of EF’s birthday, in a collective effort, Smarty Barrett and Dubbschism purchased Green Monster, Standing Room Tickets for this game. I decided earlier in the week that I would get to the game when the gates open so that I could witness batting practice from atop the green monster. Unfortunately, only the Oakland A’s would take BP today. Frank Thomas is the only formidable hitter on the A’s. He had some real “Monster” jacks during BP. Some balls were crushed over everything. However, the “Big Hurt” would not fare so well in the actual game going 0-4.

Eddie Vedder Fan

I was a bit tired from the previous two days of seeing Eddie Vedder at the Boston Opera House. I hope to have more about these shows in a future blog. I had my EV concert shirt on that I purchased on Friday when I saw another fan on the monster sporting an Evil Knievil Eddie shirt. I asked him if he had gone to the shows and we got to discussing Pearl Jam for the next hour or so. We discussed the fact that Vedder was even responsible for getting Jason Bay to the All Star team in 06. This fan had traveled all the way from California to see these couple shows at the Opera House and was now taking in a game solo from the green monster seats. Few things bring people together like sports and good music...

$160 Monster Seats for $30
Dubbschism, Veruca Salt and Smarty Barrett were extremely late for the game due to their previous 9 inning engagement. Barrett was forced to stand outside the gates of Fenway waiting for Dubb to deliver his ticket. Despite Dubbschism’s crew being extremely late for the game, the Ejected Fan managed to secure front row seats on the green monster for the late comers by digging into the trenches early. The face value of these front rowgreen monster seats is $160. We only paid $30 each for our SRO tickets. How could a sox fan not show up to the game after paying $160 per ticket? It just doesn’t make any sense.

Weather Report
It was interesting weather on Sunday Afternoon. It was a microcosm of the weather we have been experiencing in Boston throughout this summer.. It was a mixture of Sun and puffy cumulus clouds. It was hot atop the monster in the direct sun. By the time the late crew arrived in the fourth inning or so, it started to rain, gradually raining harder and then finally stopping and giving way to a rainbow. Later in the game we would be interrupted by rain again from another quick moving thundershower leading to a 20 minute rain delay. We were quickly ushered off the monster for fear of lightning.

This was the first game in a while that I was completely sober for. Because of the hard sun and having already abused my liver the last couple of nights, I opted for not consuming alcohol today. Not to be like Fun Bobby from Friends, but I felt a bit less inspired and a little less fun going to a ball game without drinking. The Sox completed the sweep of the A’s, but they have an interesting path ahead of them in their quest to reach the playoffs. I will leave you with some random observations and quips from Sunday’s game. Stay tuned for my next blog report which has evolved to encompass some of the places and events (Pearl Jam etc) of my summer vacation.

Random Observations and Quips

A fan is holding a MANNY WHO? Sign

A’s Pitcher, Huston Street should change his name to Hudson Street and then move there

Ejected Fan yells to A’s left fielder and known HGH user Jack Cust, “ Hey, HGH didn’t work for you!”, Followed by “HGH makes you uglier!”

The kid guest announcer pronounces Jed Lowrie as “Jet” Lowrie over the Fenway loudspeaker. Is Jet Lowrie related to George Jetson?

Who needs Oritz and Manny when you have Bay and Lowrie? Bay and Lowrie are the best RBI combination since Gehrig and Ruth.

The Ejected Fan caps off his day by yelling down to Jason Bay, “ Wear your Red Sox Onesie!”

Thursday, July 31, 2008

The Trade Deadline Email Thread

(An email exchange this afternoon between myself, Hazel Mae's Landing Strip, and Jenny Cupcakes)

(3:15): OH CRAP

Smarty Barrett (3:15): :-(

Jenny Cupcakes (3:26): The intern that works in the office next to me was flipping out about that link. He keeps yelling trade news for me since he found out I was looking at it all day.

HzMLS (3:30): If we end up with Matt Kemp instead I am going to go batty.

SB (3:30): Good batty or bad batty? Cuz I haven't really decided how I feel about that yet.

HzMLS (3:31): Bad. I don't want him here.

JC (3:31): He is 23. Greg says "Matt Kemp isn't bad"

SB (3:32): He doesn't walk enough.

SB (3:35): 25 minutes!!!!

HzMLS (3:37): The Red Sox just traded Brandon Moss and Clay Buchholz for Eric Gagne

SB (3:38): LQTMing like crazy.

JC (3:41): I forwarded this to Greg and he was like wait I was just scared for a second.

SB (3:42): So was I, because Outlook pops up these message previews, and the preview was:

"The Red Sox just traded Brandon Moss and Clay Buchholz for..."

JC (3:45): HAHAHA

SB (4:23): Gordon Edes is reporting on NESN that Manny has been traded.
Details will be available shortly.

SB (4:24): is CRASHED.

SB (4:26): To the Dodgers.

JC (4:29): yeah breaking news just now on

HzMLS (4:32): BTW a reason why I don't listen EEI. They are slow as hell with this stuff, I went in the car to do an errand at 12:30 they had just found out about the Griffey Jr trade, when Rosenthal had announced it at like 10.

SB (4:33): I'm listening to them now. They are watching Edes on NESN but not telling us what he's saying.

JC (4:33): Is it really Jason Bay????

HzMLS (4:34): Is he signed through 2009?

SB (4:34): Yes and yes.

HzMLS (4:39): still has no clue...WWL my ass.

SB (4:40): I'm giddy.

HzMLS (4:44): Holy crap, the prospects are Brandon Moss and Craig Hansen.

SB (4:46): DAMIAN Moss.
And Craig Hansen.

HzMLS (4:48): Who the heck is that?

SB (4:49): Now they're saying it's Brandon Moss.

SB (4:52): So you're saying we CAN'T trade a player who's on the Braves?

JC (4:55): This email thread should be a blog...

You Were Exactly Wrong

Gordon Edes reported earlier today that the Manny to the Dodgers deal was dead.

Dubb, he said, have I got a little story for you
You thought that they would trade Manny? You're nothin' but a...
While you were checkin' at 3:13
I said they had stopped tryin'
Sorry it was misleadin'
But my source was wrong

Oh lies, oh, they're still alive
Hey, lies, oh, they're still alive
Hey lies, oh, they're still alive
Hey, oh

Oh, they talked on, about a young man's tools
They said they're ready to move
I didn't think the Sox would ever land Jason Bay
But look, look
Oh, trade Man Ram
How? I can't see, it's not fair!

Lies, they're still alive
Hey lies, but, they're still alive
Hey lies, boy, they're still alive
Hey lies, lies, they're still alive, yeah
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, oh

Is something wrong, he said
Well of course there is
They're still alive, he said
Oh, you believe him over me?
Is that the question?
And if so, trade LaRoche! For a cancer! Clubhouse cancer!

Lies, oh, they're still alive
Hey lies, oh, they're still alive
Hey lies, but, they're still alive
Yeah lies, oh, they're still alive
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The Return of Big Papi - The Introduction of Lil' Papi
Game Report, 7/27/08 vs. New York Yankees

A game recap not done by the Ejected Fan? A Yankees/Red Sox game where we saw no ejections? (Although apparently there was one.) We even introduce two new Sox fans to the blog, so read on!

This game did not look like it was going to happen. HzMLS and I had and open on our laptops trying to monitor the situation. As soon as the rain stopped, we hit the road. With Jenny Cupcakes and Dan Haren, Jr. (DHJ) in tow, we arrived at the park rather early. The first thing we noticed was a young boy sitting in front of us with an Ortiz jersey that said "Papi" on the back and a hat embroidered with the nickname "Lil' Papi." As the Sox began to embarrass the Yankees, we struck up a conversation with Lil' Papi. Turns out he and his family came all the way from Indianapolis to see the Sox take on the Evil Empire. HzMLS and I ask if he is a fan of other Boston sports. He and his dad mention the Celtics, but admit that their football allegiance lies with the Colts. HzMLS quotes a Meatloaf song. Some other gems from Lil' Papi:
  • When HzMLS began ribbing him for liking the Colts, Lil' Papi turned to him and asked "Hey, when's the last time your team won the Championship?"
  • HzMLS asked him who his favorite player is, not including Ortiz of course. Lil' Papi cited Ted Williams, which prompts HzMLS to ask if Lil' Papi knows the significance of the red seat in the bleachers. Lil' Papi explains that a man in the crowd of a Sox game fell asleep in that seat, so Ted Williams hit a home run off his head to wake him up.
  • Lil' Papi had a Spiderman camera. HzMLS asserts that Spiderman is the greatest superhero. I disagree, citing Batman, which prompts the following discussion:
Me: Batman is way better. He has the Batmobile. Have you ever heard of the Spidermobile?
HzMLS: So? He shoots webs. Does Batman shoot webs?
Me: No. He shoots blades out of his wrists.
HzMLS: Yeah, but can those blades save someone who is falling?
  • After a few beers, HzMLS quips that he would like a Lil' Papi hat to wear on his crotch.
Some other non-Lil' Papi gems from the night:
  • During one of Richie Sexson's ABs, the following fact appears on the JumboTron: "At 6'7", Sexson is the tallest position player in Yankees history." DHJ and I joke that it should read: "At 6'7", Sexson is the worst position player in Yankees history."
  • Jenny Cupcakes comments that she hates Robinson Cano, prompting avid approval from fans next to us, and even screams of "I HATE YOU!" during Cano's ABs.
  • Talking with the family in front of us, HzMLS and I struggle to name even one player on the Pacers. Our guesses of Stephen Jackson, Austin Croshere, Jermaine O'Neal, and Al Harrington are shot down. When we finally land on Jamaal Tinsley, Lil' Papi's dad informs us that the Pacers are trying to trade him.
  • HzMLS spies an acquaintance about 10 rows in front of us, and informs our group that he was FutureMrs.HzMLS's date to a high school prom. After some liquid encouragement, he shouts, "Hey! You know your junior prom date? Yeah, I'm marrying her!"
  • On our way out of the park, HzMLS begins talking about plans for his bachelor party. Jenny Cupcakes comments that she wishes she was a guy so she could go to bachelor parties. HzMLS tells her, "You're not a bachelor, you're a bachelorette! There's like a 6 1/2 inch difference."
  • I comment that we should sell advertising on the Ejected Fan, and use the proceeds to buy HzMLS alcohol at games, to fuel material for the site.
All in all, a great game, Sox were able to salvage one and fend off a sweep, thanks to some stellar pitching by future HOFer Jon Lester. And we got to see Big Papi go deep. But the night belonged to Lil' Papi.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

2008 MLB All-Star Game, American League vs. National League, July 15, 2008 *LIVE BLOG*

Hey readers, SB here, and I got the jones to do some live-blogging again, so I figured what better waste of time than the All-Star Game? Did anyone catch the awkward opening? I only caught the finale, and it was complete with a bunch of actors, athletes and comedians singing "New York, New York." Amongst the crew was Lawrence Taylor and Darryl Strawberry. Just throw Josh Hamilton in there and it'll make me wanna break out a bag of blow. We're about to get going so make sure to let me have it in the comments. Here are your lineups:

American League

1. Ichiro Suzuki, RF, Mariners
2. Derek Jeter, SS, Yankees
3. Josh Hamilton, CF, Rangers
4. Alex Rodriguez, 3B, Yankees
5. Manny Ramirez, LF, Red Sox
6. Milton Bradley, DH, Rangers
7. Kevin Youkilis, 1B, Red Sox
8. Joe Mauer, C, Twins
9. Dustin Pedroia, 2B, Red Sox

P Cliff Lee, Indians

National League

1. Hanley Ramirez, SS, Marlins
2. Chase Utley, 2B, Phillies
3. Lance Berkman, 1B, Astros
4. Albert Pujols, DH, Cardinals
5. Chipper Jones, 3B, Braves
6. Matt Holliday, RF, Rockies
7. Ryan Braun, LF, Brewers
8. Kosuke Fukudome, CF, Cubs
9. Geovany Soto, C, Cubs

P Ben Sheets, Brewers

So they have a bunch of Hall of Famers standing near their respective positions and have the current starters come out and stand next to them. This is pretty cool, I guess. A few beefs with this though:
  • Wade Boggs wearing a Yankee hat? Come on.
  • No Yaz? Fisk? No Red Sox there period. Maybe because the classy Bronx clowns would no doubt boo them.
  • Tony Gwynn looks like he ate 4 other left fielders. Jesus.
Looks like the charade is over. Sheryl Crow with a sub-par version of the anthem and we're about ready to go. Wait...they're going to have every HOFer present throw out the first pitch(es)?? Good God. Steinbrenner looks non-functional. Like completely gone. OK, it's only the Yankees throwing out the pitches. You know most parks make this ceremony about baseball. Instead, this is being made about the Yankees. Arrogant, but not all that surprising. Let's play some ball.

Top 1
I want to punch Joe Buck in the face. Can we start this fucking game or what? Please? I tuned it at 8. It's 8:41. Let's fucking go. OK, here we go. First pitch at 8:48 according to my MacBook. Cliff Lee on the hill, former Sox prospect Hanley Ramirez at the plate. I am an unabashed Hanley fan. I think he's top 5 in terms of best players in baseball. And Lee looks sharp, he gets Hanley swinging. Now Utley. And Lee gets him swinging. Jeez, what is with Cliff Lee this year? He is a beast. And Berkman flies to center, and yay, yo! Hamilton catches it. A 1-2-3 inning.

Bottom 1
Ben Sheets on the hill for the NL, and singles hitter and owner of the low OBP Ichiro leads off. And hacker that he is, he pops the 2nd pitch to right, Holliday grabs it, one out. Now the Lord Christ steps up. He hits a chopper to 2nd that Utley can't handle the tough hop, and the son of God reaches. Buck already calling it a hit, I guess it is. And the greatest man who ever lived steals 2nd with Hamilton at the dish. Did you know he was on drugs? And Sheets blows him away. Now A-Rod with a runner on 2nd and two down. And he pops one foul. Soto catches it at the on-deck circle to end the inning. No score going into the 2nd.

Top 2
Pujols leading off. Joe Buck gushing over his skills. The beast that is Pujols grounds to the beast that is A-Rod, and there's one out. Now Larry Jones, and he swings at the first pitch and singles to center. Holliday now grounds to Youkie at first, his only play is to tag the Rockie coming down the line, and there's two outs. Another runner in scoring position with two outs, and here's Ryan Braun. And Lee tools him on 3 pitches, and after the pageant at the beginning, we have a fast-moving game.

Bottom 2
Friend of the EjF Ernie Dolan just informed me that Joe Buck said that the whiff of Braun was Lee's 2nd strikeout. Wrong, Mr. Buck. That would be K number three. Now Manny leads it off here in the 2nd. Zambrano loosening up for the NL. 2-0 to Manny, and he's hacking and pops one down the right field line towards the short porch, but foul. And Sheets comes back to fan Manny on a sick breaking pitch. Pitchers looks strong here in the early going. Here's Milton Bradley now. My hope is that Joe Buck says something stupid about Bradley, and Milton goes to the booth and murders him. Bradley walks, one on with one out and here's Youk. Are they booing or Youk-ing? We may never know. Bradley steals second now, and it's a full count to Youks. And Sheets gets him swinging, two gone. Man, both Sheets and Lee are on their games. Mauer stands in now, and he works a walk and now a big spot for another hometown player, Pedroia. I would love to see him pop one in a gap here. Instead he flies one to center, caught by Fukudome and we're through two, still no score.

Top 3
Yogi Berra in the booth for this inning, so let's hope it's a fast one. And wow. They're actually holding up play so they can talk to Berra. Ridiculous. Let's play the damn game. Fukudome leads off. Joe Saunders now in pitching for the AL. And Fuck-you-dome grounds to Youk, one out. Now Soto flies to center. Jeez, Yogi makes no sense. None. And Buck and McCarver aren't even calling any game action. This is like watching a game at a nursing home on mute. Just rely on yours truly to give you the game action, fans. Hanley up with two outs, and he singles to right, one on with two outs. Mumble mumble mumble, what the fuck is this guy talking about? This is painful. And Utley grounds to Youk, unassisted and we're done in the top of 3rd. Send Yogi away! Still scoreless.

Bottom 3
How many more moments are we going to have tonight where Fox tries to make it special, but it ends up just being painfully awkward, boring, and sad. Maybe they can have Steinbrenner do the New York Times crossword out loud. Zambrano comma Carlos in for the NL, dealing with the top of the AL order. Singles hitter Ichiro up, and he singles. Hopefully he'll try to snag second here as a heavenly spirit stands in. And he adds to his double-play totals for the season and there's quickly two down. Buck said right before the routine 6-4-3 that Ichiro "could be a home run hitter if he wanted to." Yeah, but who wants to do that? I would rather single (never a walk or extra-base hit), steal second, and count on my shit offense to get me home instead of taking the easy way out and hitting a bomb. It's simple math, look it up. And Hamilton cracks one, but right to second, and we're through three, scoreless.

Top 4
Halliday in for the AL and he's dealing with Berkman first. And Roy gets him swinging, one gone. Pujols is up, and he rips one down the right field line into the corner. He heads for second, but Ichiro guns it and and gets him! Wow, for all the Ichiro bashing I do, I gotta say, guy is tremendous in the field. What a cannon. Looks like Pujols beat it on the replay actually. Throw was there in plenty of time but God never tagged him. And now Larry hits a chopper over Halliday's head. The greatest player ever gloves and throws him out, and we're on to the bottom of the 4th.

Bottom 4
Zambrano still in, and A-Rod leads off. And Z gets him swinging, one down. Now Manny, and a crazy curve from Z over Manny's head on the first pitch. Weird. And he grounds to second, Utley ranges over and makes the play, two down. They just showed a hit chart for Manny, showing his batting averages in each sector of the strike zone, at "hot-and-cold" chart, if you will. McCarver is disputing it. Stupid stat geeks with their "facts" and their "research." Go back to your mom's basement, am I right? Bradley up, and he grounds one to short, but Hanley air-mails the throw and Bradley reaches on the error. Now Youkie. But no! Bradley gets picked off first! Inning over! Heading to the 5th now, still scoreless.

Top 5
Some changes for the AL. Hamilton getting a sniff of left now, so Manny is out. Sizemore into center. And Ervin San-tana (ay!) in, dealing with Holliday first. And he lines one into the seats in right, 1-0 NL. Drilled it right into the short porch, nice rip. Now Braun. He chops one up the middle, Pedroia ranges, gloves, and throws him out, one away. Now A-Rod lifted from the field so he can get a nice hand, Crede in to play 3rd. Nice gesture from Tito as always. Cock-suckie Fuck-you-dome up now, and San-tana (ay!) gets him swinging. Two outs for Soto. Another K, San-tana (ay!) gets him looking and we're done with four and a half, 1-0 NL.

Bottom 5
Changes for the NL: Nate McLouth in center, Russell Martin now behind the dish, and Dan Haren in to pitch. Dealing with Youks first, and he pops one into right, one down. Here's Mauer who walked his first time. He hits a high chopper up the middle, nicks off the tip of Haren's glove and Mauer reaches. Scored a hit, and Kinsler in to pinch-run for Mauer. Pedroia up now, and let's see if Kinsler is running. He is, and he steals second. Close play! Let's see the replay. He was safe, great throw though. Now Pedroia takes ball four and we have two on with one out. Ichiro up here. If it's true that he can hit homers if he wants to, then now would be a good time for one. Or maybe Joe Buck is an idiot. You be the judge. And instead Haren fans him. Two on, two out, and the greatest human in history is up. Two outs, so the clutch double-play is off the table. He's in the hole 1-2, Haren appears to be dealing. And he hits a clutch grounder to the mound! He's gritty! He's gutty! He's out! Bring on the 6th!

Top 6
Changes: Morneau at first, Kinsler stays in at 2nd, Drew takes over in right, the most undeserving All Star in history behind the dish, and Duchscherer (yes I had to pause the DVR to get the spelling) is on the hill. Hanley will lead it off here. Is it me, or is Clint Hurdle making NO subs? Hanley rips one to left for a single. Hanging curve. I think we'll see the Christ child replaced mid-inning at some point here. Utley up now, and let's see if Hanley gets in on the base stealing we've seen all night. He goes, but Utley fouls one off. He goes again, and this time Utley singles to right and we've got some first and third action with no outs and the 3-4-5 hitters coming up. Berkman here, and Sherrill warming up for the AL. Berkman rips one to deep center, Sizemore tracks it down, but it's plenty deep enough to score Hanley, 2-0 NL. Now Jeter is replaced, it's Michael Young coming in, and Pujols up for the NL. He rips a single to center and two on with one out. I think we may be seeing Sherrill soon. Larry Jones now up. Duchscherer gets him swinging now, and there's two gone. Nice pitching here, and now Holliday, and he pops one up. Shallow center, Kinsler out, snags it, and we're headed to the bottom of the 6th, 2-0 NL.

Bottom 6
Maybe some subs for the NL here? Yes! Adrian Gonzalez in at first, Uggla at 2nd, Tejada at short, Aramis Ramirez at 3rd. Only one change in the outfield, Corey Hart takes over in right. Hamilton leading off for the AL, and he smacks one to center off Haren for a single. Crede up now, and he pops it to second for out number one. Grady Sizemore next with one on and one out. Hamilton goes, and he steals second. Martin threw it into center, but the ball was back in before Hamilton could even dust himself off. Haren disposes of Sizemore by way of the K, and now Bradley. One pitch, a fly to center, and Bradley is done and so is the AL. Bring on the 7th, 2-0 NL.

Top 7
Joe Nathan pitching, Carlos Quentin in left. Braun the first to face Nathan, and he fans for the first out. Nate McLouth, the lone Pirates rep. stands in. He flies to center for the second out. Papelbon getting loose, most likely for the 8th. Russell Martin comes up now, and he quickly flies to left, spotless 1-2-3 for Nathan, here comes Josh Groban to sing GBA, and then the bottom of the 7th, 2-0 NL.

Bottom 7
Every time I see Josh Groban, I think of this. I can't help it. Ryan Ludwick in left for the NL, Volquez on the hill. AL trying to plate their first run, Morneau will try to get it going. And he does, leadoff double to right. Kinsler now, and he grounds to Tejada, Morneau advances to third on the putout. Tek won't get an AB, thank you Tito. He's trying to win this game, at least. Navarro up. And Volquez gets him looking. Jeez, Navarro, Varitek could have (would have) done that. JD Drew will now try to get this run home from third, but tougher now with two outs. Tough? Fuck that, says JD. But probably a lot nicer, because he's Christian and such. He crushes one to right and gone, tie game, 2-2! 2 run bomb JD Drew! Hell yes! After some claps and fist pumps from me, Michael Young K's. But a whole new ballgame here, as Drew does it all, 2-2 going to the 8th.

Top 8
Navarro stays in to catch, Papelbon on the hill to start the 8th. Miguel Tejada to lead off. He bloops a little flare into right, leadoff single. The Bronx bums are ALL OVER Papelbon, and the hit from Tejada didn't help. Uggla with his first AB here, and it's quickly 0-2. And he makes Uggla look silly and quiets the crowd with a swing and a miss at some high gas, one out. Adrian Gonzalez up now, and Tejada takes off on the first pitch. He snags second, and Navarro throws it into center and Tejada takes third. Great. Gonzalez flies to left and Tejada comes to the plate. Throw from Quentin is not in time, NL re-takes the lead 3-2. Can't really blame Paps for this one. And now he freezes David Wright with a heater on the black, inning over. Bottom 8 on the way, 3-2.

Bottom 8
Former Beach Boy Brian Wilson in for the NL to face Quentin. He flies a 2-0 pitch to center for out number one. Carlos Guillen now. Joe Buck mentions that he is the AL's last available position player. They then proceed to show Evan Longoria in the dugout with a helmet on. They also show Francona's lineup card with every name crossed out except Longoria's. Buck repeats that Guillen is the last bench player. What a fucking idiot. When Longoria comes to the plate, Buck's head may explode. Guillen working a nice AB here, fouling off some tough pitches. And Wilson wins the battle with some good vibrations on his fastball, Guillen can't catch up with it. That will do it for Wilson, pitching change in the 8th, Billy Wagner coming in to face Grady Sizemore. Longoria on deck and hey! Buck finally realized it! And Sizemore singles and we will see the last bench player for the AL here. Lidge getting loose for the NL, and Longoria has a chance to be a hero here. Ball one. Foul ball down the 3rd base line, 1-1. Longoria chops one foul at the dish, 1-2. Next pitch is up and in ball two, and Sizemore steals second uncontested. Now a hit ties it, here comes the 2-2. And its roped down the left field line, a fair ball! Hops into the seats, ground-rule double, Sizemore scores, tie game! 3-3! Huge hit! Now Morneau can give the AL the lead. But he grounds to the mound, Wagner takes it all the way to first, a rare 1U and the 8th is over, but not before the AL ties it. 3-3, heading to the 9th.

Top 9
We can't have a tie, because this time, it counts! K-Rod into pitch, Guillen stays in to play 3rd. Aramis Ramirez leading things off in the 9th. And he leads it off with a walk. Christian Guzman in to pinch-run as Corey Hart steps in. He wears his sunglasses at night, and he flies to right. That rhymes. Ludwick steps in, but first, enter sandman. K-Rod out, Mariano in, Yankee Stadium erupts like a cherry bomb dropped into a toilet. How funny would it be if he blew it here? I want the AL to win, but I can hear it now. "And Ludwick hits one deeper than anything Hamilton hit last night!" And Hamilton rocks, believe me. So here we go. Full count now, Guzman goes, swing and a miss strike three, and the throw down is in time! Strike em out, throw em out, inning over! Bottom 9 now, still knotted at 3.

Bottom 9
According to Wikipedia, the Red Sox have been involved in every walk-off home run in All-Star game history. There have been three in all. Can JD Drew hit one? He's up third in the 9th. Ryan Dempster in for the NL, Ian Kinsler leads off. 8 walk-off hits in All-Star history, the last was a walk-off double by Moises Alou in 1994. Kinsler goes down swinging, and now Navarro. And nice pitch from Dempster on 3-2 that gets him swinging, 2 down. Stage is set for JD Drew, here we go. First pitch is low, but called a strike, 0-1. Next offering is up and away, ball one. Now a pitch in a dirt, 2-1. Dempster delivers and it's up and away again, 3-1. Hitters count, but Drew takes a high strike, full count. And the 3-2 pitch gets Drew looking, nasty. And we're going to extras. This time it counts! 3-3 tie.

Top 10
Buck just said "this time it counts" as McLouth stands in. Both Aaron Cook and Brad Lidge warming for the NL. Rivera still in for the AL, and he deals to the lefty. Full count, and McLouth fouls one off and breaks his bat. Soria getting loose for the AL. Rivera freezes McClouth with a pitch on the outside corner, strike three. One out for Russell Martin. And he works a real tough at bat that ends with a single to right. One on, one out, here's Tejada. 10 HR at the break for him, in case inquiring minds were wondering. Former All-Star game MVP as well. I think whomever gets the winning hit will be this year's MVP. Martin runs, and Tejada singles up the middle! First and third, one out! Now Uggla...Mariano trying to work out of this jam. And Uggla grounds to second, Kinsler, Young, Morneau! Twin killing (ed. note - Morneau still alive), inning over! I find myself rooting hard for the AL; 3-3, bottom 10 awaits.

Bottom 10
We're closing in on midnight on the East Coast, but SB ain't quitting on you just yet. Aaron Cook in, Michael Young leads off. Chopper up the middle, Uggla gloves and drops it! E4, runner on first, no outs. Now Carlos Quentin, and he hits a hard one-hopper to Uggla, and he boots this one! Right through the 5-hole! That was a tailor-made double-play ball, and back to back E4's, winning run now at 3rd with no outs. Hurdle out for a chat, and they'll give Guillen a free pass to load them up, no outs for Sizemore. Infield in, outfield in, ball one to Sizemore. Now a grounder down the first base line aaaannd...foul. 1-1. Now a grounder right at Uggla, he makes a clean play, throws home to get the sure out, throw onto first is not in time. Young forced at the plate, bases still loaded but now one out. Now infield backs up looking for the DP. Longoria up, and he grounds to 3rd. Guzman is gonna come home, and he's got Quentin, 2 out! WOW. Bases STILL loaded but now TWO outs! Insane. Here's Morneau. What a job by Cook so far. Slow roller to Tejada, he charges, gloves, throws on the him! Inning over! What a play! What a game! 3-3, bring on the 11th!

Top 11
This is a great game so far. I kinda want to go to bed, but man. I am enjoying myself here, I hope I have some loyal readers enjoying it with me. Soria now in for the AL, he's dealing with Gonzalez first. And he slaps one to left-center for a leadoff single. David Wright up now. And Soria gets him swinging, nasty stuff, one gone. Christian Guzman stands in and takes strike one. This is his first AB of the game, and he's quickly down 0-2. Soria gets him on a fly to center, 2 gone. I Wear My Sunglasses At Night blares through the Yankee Stadium speakers as Corey Hart steps in. He flicks one to right, Drew grabs it, and we're done with the top of the 11th. Kinsler, Navarro, Drew coming up, 3-3 ballgame.

Bottom 11
Cook still in, and here's Kinsler. He bloops one that falls safely in front of McLouth in center, and the leadoff man is on again for the AL. And my cable just cut out! I have no idea what's going on! As I hurried to open GameDay on, it came back. Whew! Kinsler goes, pitch-out! And they got him! One down! Looks like Tejada never touched him on the replay. Looked like the right call to me with the naked eye, so who knows. Now Navarro walks, so the winning run is back on first, this time with one out, and here's Drew. And he quickly singles on the first pitch, two on! Yeah, JD! Buck mentions for the 294,671st time that the AL is out of bench players. Thanks, Joe. Michael Young up now with a chance to be a hero. And he singles to center, here comes Navarro to the plate! McClouth up and throwing, here it is, and he's out! They got him, game still tied! They couldn't run for Navarro! They're out of bench players! I just realized that the AL is batting 1.000 this inning, and there are two outs. Runners at 2nd and 3rd for Quentin. 2-0 pitch is grounded to Guzman, who gloves, throws across his body, and got him at first! Inning over! Still tied at 3, here comes the 12th.

Top 12
As we go deeper and deeper into the night, the chances become greater that this game gets called. Soria still in for a second inning of work. Ludwick leads it off. And he starts it off with a walk. McLouth lays down a sac bunt, Morneau scoops and flips a little slow to Kinsler covering and Nate beats it! Maybe some confusion as to if Morneau or Soria would field it. And now Martin bunts to Morneau again, he gloves and gets him, but runners at 2nd and 3rd now with one out for Tejada. They'll put him on and face Uggla with the bases loaded and one out. AL will be looking for a DP here. Soria quickly gets ahead 0-2. And he gets him on a nasty curve! Holy shit what a game. Now 2 outs, bases still loaded and here comes Tito to get Sherrill to face Adrian Gonzalez for the lefty-lefty matchup. Remember when I thought Sherrill was going to come in in the 6th? That seems like a week ago. He's essentially the AL's last pitcher - they have Kazmir, but he started for the Rays on Sunday, so this could get dicey. Here we go. First pitch from Sherrill is strike one looking. Next pitch is nasty, swinging strike, 0-2. And 3 pitches, strikeout and inning over. Filthy stuff. Can you wait for the bottom of the 12th? I can't. 3 all.

Bottom 12
I smell a walk-off bomb. I don't know why - my brain isn't actually working full strength at 20 of 1 here. Good thing I don't have to be up in 5 and a half hours. Oh wait... Anyway, here's Guillen, and he swings at the first pitch and cranks it deep to left! Back to the wall is Ludwick,' the wall! Guillen checks into second with a double. Damn. I smelled a walk-off and I thought he had it. Sizemore up now, and he grounds it to Uggla, who gets him at first, but Grady does his job, runner moves to 3rd and now one out. Longoria now to face Cook. Winning run 90 feet away, infield in again, outfield in again. And he chops one down the third-base line...juuust foul, 1-2 count. And then Cook gets Longoria swinging! 2 outs! Will this game ever end? Runner still at 3rd for Morneau, and they'll put him on to face Kinsler. First and 3rd, two outs, will Kinsler be the hero? Stay tuned. Morneau moved up to second on the first pitch, ball one. His run does not matter, of course. Fouled off, 1-1. Cook delivers, and Kinsler grounds to Guzman, onto first and they got him. What a job by Aaron Cook, holy shit. If the NL wins, he gets my vote for MVP. 13 innings? You bet. 3-3.

Top 13
Sherrill still in, David Wright up. And he shatters his bat and bloops one into right for a base hit. Leadoff single, one on, no outs. Here's Christian Guzman. Bunt? He squares, pulls back, and takes a ball. They just mentioned that Kazmir threw 104 pitches Sunday. Jeez. What happens if they have to go to him? Guzman gets it down, Sherrill fields, goes to second, and gets Wright! Nice play, one out. Corey Hart now, runner on first is Guzman. And Sherrill gets him swinging for out number two. Ludwick stands in now. I gotta say, if I were a Rays fan and Kazmir pitches, I would not be happy. Not really Francona's fault; you'd have to put this on Selig. I bet he is sweating right now. 3-0 on Ludwick. He pops a 3-1 pitch to second, Kinsler snags it, and we're done with the top of 13th. Navarro, Drew, Young, likely against Marmol. Can the AL break the 3-3 tie and end this game?

Bottom 13
I think I'm quitting after this inning loyal readers. If it doesn't end here, I'll be sure to post something about the end of the game tomorrow right here. But let's not get ahead of ourselves - let's see what happens. It is Marmol, and here's Navarro. He bounces one to second. Uggla doesn't boot it and gets Navarro at first, one away. JD Drew, send me to bed! Swing and a miss, strike one. Now 2-1, and a pitch just inside ball three. Drew takes strike two, full count. And he rolls one to Uggla, who boots it! Drew reaches! Tough hop, but come on, you gotta make that play. Another E4, one on, one out. Kazmir was warming earlier, but now he's seated. Interesting. Michael Young now, can he end it? Full count now, one out, McCarver convinced Drew will be running. I agree. He goes, strike three, but Drew steals 2nd. So he's there with two outs, Quentin up trying to end it now. Popped foul back behind the plate and out of play, strike one. Hard pitch but out of the zone, ball one, 1-1. Now a curve for a strike, 1-2. Quentin fouls one off to stay alive. And Marmol gets him swinging! Going to the 14th, I'm going to bed! Crazy game, but I can't do it anymore. Goodnight, all! Let me know how it ends!