88 mph, suckas.

greetings, internet goers of the past. i am writing to you from the future (mid-October 2009) to inform you that the Sox have won the AL East. this, contrary to reports from the earlier part of the year that a.j. burnett, c.c. sabathia, m.c. teixeriaieria, and (of course) d.s. jeter would lead the jankees to a 160-2 record.

but nay! Las Mediasrojas took the crown by a game over the yankees, who fell flat on their faces in August after alex rodriguez went down with a curious injury. to put it bluntly, one of his balls exploded. take a guess why.

coming soon (i really, really hope), a commentary on ARod's now infamous interview with Peter Gammons. actually, since i am writing to you from the future, i can say with a high level of certainty that i will never get around to doing this.

also, put all your money into Chrysler. right. now. you'll thank me sometime around August.

Performance Enhancing Drugs.

How do you think he won all those medals?

Semi-Irregular Miguel Tejada Home Run Update

today's date: 08/08/08
Miggy's current HR total: 11
Miggy's projected HR total, should he keep up this pace: 16
probability that the ejected fan wins my $20, unscrupulously puts it in a Roth IRA with hopes of the principal maturing into the approximately $6,000* it would cost him for reconstructive surgery so as to look like Eddie Vedder, then spends the $6,000 on reconstructive surgery so as to look like Eddie Vedder: 15%
probability that the ejected fan would get recontructive surgery so as to look like Eddie Vedder, if he had the money to spend regardless of Miggy's 2008 HR stats: 97%.



*i calculated this number using a complex algorithm involving costs of various plastics surgeries people have undergone in an effort to emulate their favorite celebrities. the actual cost would be $6,124. it's accurate.

Changing of the guard: 3rd game with new comer Jason Bay in left field. Sox Complete Sweep of A’s

I want to start off by saying that this blog is evolving. Over these summer months, it has become a bit of a chore to sit in front of the computer and recap the events of a particular game. Next year The Ejected Fan will evolve into a more inspired effort. EF will only blog when truly inspired. This will keep things fresh with less of a homework type feel.

By Sunday, the drama of Manny Ramirez had long since run its course like a sort of unavoidable car crash. After the Manny Ramirez demolition derby, the Sox were left with a capable All Star left fielder in Jason Bay. The sentiment among fans was similar to that of the Nomar trade from ’04. Look at what happened to the Sox after that. Bay had already come up big in his first two games on the Sox and would continue that trend today. In the first inning, Bay made a nice throw to second to throw out a runner trying to stretch a single into a double.

Sunday was the ejected fan’s birthday. In honor of EF’s birthday, in a collective effort, Smarty Barrett and Dubbschism purchased Green Monster, Standing Room Tickets for this game. I decided earlier in the week that I would get to the game when the gates open so that I could witness batting practice from atop the green monster. Unfortunately, only the Oakland A’s would take BP today. Frank Thomas is the only formidable hitter on the A’s. He had some real “Monster” jacks during BP. Some balls were crushed over everything. However, the “Big Hurt” would not fare so well in the actual game going 0-4.

Eddie Vedder Fan

I was a bit tired from the previous two days of seeing Eddie Vedder at the Boston Opera House. I hope to have more about these shows in a future blog. I had my EV concert shirt on that I purchased on Friday when I saw another fan on the monster sporting an Evil Knievil Eddie shirt. I asked him if he had gone to the shows and we got to discussing Pearl Jam for the next hour or so. We discussed the fact that Vedder was even responsible for getting Jason Bay to the All Star team in 06. This fan had traveled all the way from California to see these couple shows at the Opera House and was now taking in a game solo from the green monster seats. Few things bring people together like sports and good music...

$160 Monster Seats for $30
Dubbschism, Veruca Salt and Smarty Barrett were extremely late for the game due to their previous 9 inning engagement. Barrett was forced to stand outside the gates of Fenway waiting for Dubb to deliver his ticket. Despite Dubbschism’s crew being extremely late for the game, the Ejected Fan managed to secure front row seats on the green monster for the late comers by digging into the trenches early. The face value of these front rowgreen monster seats is $160. We only paid $30 each for our SRO tickets. How could a sox fan not show up to the game after paying $160 per ticket? It just doesn’t make any sense.

Weather Report
It was interesting weather on Sunday Afternoon. It was a microcosm of the weather we have been experiencing in Boston throughout this summer.. It was a mixture of Sun and puffy cumulus clouds. It was hot atop the monster in the direct sun. By the time the late crew arrived in the fourth inning or so, it started to rain, gradually raining harder and then finally stopping and giving way to a rainbow. Later in the game we would be interrupted by rain again from another quick moving thundershower leading to a 20 minute rain delay. We were quickly ushered off the monster for fear of lightning.

This was the first game in a while that I was completely sober for. Because of the hard sun and having already abused my liver the last couple of nights, I opted for not consuming alcohol today. Not to be like Fun Bobby from Friends, but I felt a bit less inspired and a little less fun going to a ball game without drinking. The Sox completed the sweep of the A’s, but they have an interesting path ahead of them in their quest to reach the playoffs. I will leave you with some random observations and quips from Sunday’s game. Stay tuned for my next blog report which has evolved to encompass some of the places and events (Pearl Jam etc) of my summer vacation.

Random Observations and Quips

A fan is holding a MANNY WHO? Sign

A’s Pitcher, Huston Street should change his name to Hudson Street and then move there

Ejected Fan yells to A’s left fielder and known HGH user Jack Cust, “ Hey, HGH didn’t work for you!”, Followed by “HGH makes you uglier!”

The kid guest announcer pronounces Jed Lowrie as “Jet” Lowrie over the Fenway loudspeaker. Is Jet Lowrie related to George Jetson?

Who needs Oritz and Manny when you have Bay and Lowrie? Bay and Lowrie are the best RBI combination since Gehrig and Ruth.

The Ejected Fan caps off his day by yelling down to Jason Bay, “ Wear your Red Sox Onesie!”

2008 All Star Game Selection Special!!! American League installment. Go!

okay, we get it. most hardcore baseball types think the All Star game is hogwash - an anachronistic, gratuitous exhibition that lost its interest-worthiness years ago. i can see the line of reasoning here: casual fans vote in the wrong players, prima donna stars don't bother to show up for the game, and managers play favorites when selecting reserves. (come on, Joe Torre. jeff nelson? paul quantrill? NO ONE wants to see middle relievers in this game. really. not even Joey from Brooklyn.)

but me? i LOVE the All Star game. i like voting. i like asking in the second week of April, "do you think so-and-so will be an all star this year?" i like watching the home run derby. and while people use to complain that the Game didn't mean anything, they complained even more when Bud changed the rules with the whole World Series home field advantage thingy. as a Sox fan though, you have to like what Papi and Manny did in the '04 Midsummer classic (the home field advantage-nullifying four game sweep of the Cards notwithstanding).

so for the first time ever, i am pouring through the leader boards and picking out my own all stars. here are my rules:
1. forget about current balloting results. i know he's a "star," but Junior Griffey does NOT deserve to be on the all star team this year. also, Varitek shouldn't even be sniffing the Bronx come July 15th. some form of ballot control needs to be enacted to prevent these sorts of travesties. (remember when David Bell almost started at 3rd in 2001 because of all the Mariners-obsessed Japanese going crazy?) the best players at each position will start the game.
2. forget about past performance. this might skew balloting, but i think it also skews the players' peer selection and the managers' reserve selections.
3. same rules for team representation and roster size. some people say it's dumb that each team needs to be represented, and for the most part i agree. although if i were a Pirates or Royals fan, i'm sure i'd feel differently. also, each squad has 32 players, the 32nd being voted in on that whole "last player selected" ballot they have with the five choices (usually ends up being a Red Sox player). i'm just going to select them all myself because i feel like our 4 readers would introduce some sort of bias into any online voting.
4. traditional (read: not always informative) and sabermetric stats will be used to determine the best players. to a degree. yes, mike mussina has 10 wins, but he's not an all star. a healthy batting average could get you in, though. if you're leading your position in OPS, i think you belong in. a good FRAA probably scores you plenty of tail on the road, so it should also help your All Star credentials. (sorry, Hanley.)

so, without further adieu, i give you your 2008 American League (aka the little big league - ya know, only 14 teams?) All Star Team:

SP: Ervin Santana, LAA - a Santana starting the All Star game, but probably not the one you expected. 9-3 record, 3.32 ERA (9th) , 1.07 WHIP (3rd), 99 K's (2nd), and hitters are OPS'ing a measely .616 against him (4th). granted his BABIP is an unsustainably low .257 (teammate Joe Saunders' is .230!!!!) so he might come back to Earth a tad between now and then, but most of his stats, including his peripherals, indicate he has probably been the best starter in the AL this season. i think this is a toss-up between Santana and Cliff Lee, but honestly, I don't think Lee will be around for the Cy Young debate in September. I think Santana will be.

C: Joe Mauer, MIN - this is a tough crop to choose from. posada's been hurt (and wasn't going to repeat last season, anyway), Pudge has been off the juice for years now, and Kevin Cash just doesn't play often enough to garner the necessary attention. [sidenote - that was a joke.] (Amazingly, while doing the research for this, i discovered that Jason Varitek doesn't even qualify for the batting title based on AB's. not that he has a shot at it obviously, and in fact only 5 catchers in the AL qualify. i wonder if this is why a catcher winning the batting title is so rare?) anyway, Mauer is hitting a healthy .323 with a .407 OBP, so it's tough to complain despite his 2 dingers. plus he's got those boyish good looks.

1B: Kevin Youkilis, BOS - this is a toss up between Youk and Ron Jeriambi. But since the latter is a cheater, we'll give it to Youkilis. also in his favor: .913 OPS, 13 bombs, stellar defense, and (somehow) facial hair that is less ugly than the Giambino's. generally speaking, AL first baseman are a wholly underachieving lot this year.

2B: Ian Kinsler, TEX - there's not even competition here. he leads amongst second baseman in OPS and homers, is second in steals and doubles, and also leads the league in first name vowel:consonant ratio.

3B: alex rodriguez, NYY - he's not as overrated as everyone thinks. this is another category without competition.

SS: derek jeter, NYY - i actually wrote "just kidding!" after that originally, but scouring the other shortstops in the AL, i sadly announce that derek jeter deserves all the votes he is getting. bad defense and baserunning aside, there's really no one else having a good enough season to shove him out of the way.(if Jhohnnhyh Phehrhaltha wasn't OBP'ing .294, it'd be his spot.) o, Jed Lowrie, where art thee?

LF: Manny Ramirez, BOS - this is a very close call between Manny and Carlos Quentin of the White Sox, but given how i feel about each of these Sox teams, the answer wasn't so hard. Quentin actually edges out Manny in most every category, with the exception of "joints smoked in the green monster."

CF: Josh Hamilton, TEX - he probably isn't not the reason i'm running away with one of my fantasy teams. he's a triple crown candidate and a really, really good walking example of why to stick to booze and gambling, and to lay off the crack pipe.

RF: J.D. Drew, BOS - i'm not just playing homeboy here. i've loved Drew since, like, forever (ask anyone - i swear i wasn't booing every 4-6-3 GIDP last season...okay, maybe i booed the 2,359,864th one.) his OPS is almost 100 points higher than the second place dude, Jermaine Dye, plus Jesus loves him. (this i know, for the bible told me so.)

DH: Milton Bradley, TEX - honestly, i was just scared not to put him on this list. although he leads the league in OPS, so...

The other 22:
Pitchers: Cliff Lee-CLE, Felix Hernandez-SEA (lone Mariners rep), Joe Saunders-LAA, Jon Lester-BOS, Roy Halladay-TOR (lone Jays rep, although Shawn Marcum makes a compelling case and should be on the team if there are any injuries), Zack Greinke-KC, James Shields-TB, Francisco Rodriguez-LAA, mariano rivera-NYY, Joakim Soria-KC, Joe Nathan-MIN
C: A.J. Pierjerkski-CWS
1B: jason giambi-NYY
2B: Brian Roberts-BAL
3B: Evan Longoria-TB
SS: Jhonny Peralta-CLE, Bobby Crosby-OAK (lone A's rep)
OF: Carlos Quentin-CWS, Jermaine Dye-CWS, Magglio Ordonez-DET (lone Tigers rep), Grady Sizemore-CLE, Nick Markakis-BAL

if anyone gets hurt, i say put Brandow Morrow-SEA on the team. i know he's a middle reliever (well, temporary closer), but his numbers have been nasty.

i'm looking for comments, suggestions, disagreements, and endorsements. bring 'em on.

Semi-Irregular Miguel Tejada Home Run Update

today's date: the Ides of May
Miggy's current HR total: 5
Miggy's projected HR total, should he keep up this pace: 20 (!!!!!)
probability that the ejected fan wins my $20 and spends it on overpriced Sambvca nips from the Regal Beagle so he can get plastered on the T before he even gets to Fenway: 12%

Fun with T9

1. Take out your cell phone.

2. Make sure the text message settings are on T9.

3. Create new text.

4. Type the word "Roids."

5. Enjoy the coincidence.

Edited: Craziness

i just want to say: if Jon Lester is a first ballot HOFer, i will give you back the $20 i'm going to win when Miggy Tejada finishes the season on the DL with a pituitary tumor and 13 home runs.

also, Smarty Barrett will let you punch him in the crotch.

Is Lester More?

The 2008 Sox pitching staff may be looked upon 10 years from now as one of the best pitching staffs ever. Sure, it might not seem that way right now, but give it some time. Buchholz and Lester are both gaining experience on the major league stage. They could both easily blossom into 1st ballot Hall of Fame pitchers. Neither pitcher has had the debilitating outing that Yankee rookie pitcher Chase Wright had when he gave up four home runs in a row last year to the Sox. That sort of thing can really effect a young hurler's confidence.

Lester’s last two perfomances have been close to stellar: a near complete game against Halladay and 1 run performance against the Rays. Given these last 2 outings, I find it extremely difficult to recommend Lester be designated to AAA. In fact based on major league experience alone, I would rather see Lester remain a starter and Buchholz be sent to the bullpen to aid Bat Shit as a long reliever/spot starter. Lester can be a big game pitcher. Look at his performance against Halladay last week and also in game 4 of the 2007 World Series. He comes up big when it is on the line. I do feel however that his growth was stunted a bit in 2006 after Varitek went on the DL followed shortly thereafter by Lester’s diagnosis with cancer. I think Varitek catching these young pitchers can make all the difference in the world in their confidence levels to throw certain pitches to a good hitter. For these youngsters, pitching in the major leagues is about confidence in their abilities. I think Lester has this already.

Who knows what will happen if and when they bring up Fat Boy Colon. Let’s see how he does in his first start. If he sucks, drop his ass like a fantasy dud . I can’t see Colon going to the bullpen. Basically, the Sox are going to have to make a move with either Buchholz or Lester if they plan on bringing Colon up. What would be the big deal if you moved Buchholz to the bullpen? Yeah, they talk about pitcher’s rhythm and routine every 5th day, but come on already. Last year Brett Myers of the Phillies moved to the closer role midway through the season and then moved back to being a starter. It’s no big deal. Teams have to stop babying these pitchers, but at the same time the pitchers themselves have to know what their limits are. Is the net effect of adding Colon to the rotation going to benefit the Sox? Will it fuck up the rhythm these young pitchers have established? I don’t know. However, I feel that if they send Colon to the bullpen he will become the 2008 version of Eric Gagne.

And what's this? He's pointing to the right-field bleachers, probably at a dying little boy.

It's time for your mandatory Miguel Tejada weekly update, folks! Much to dubb's displeasure, Tejada launched his 5th homer of the season on Friday night, and it turns out that he promised a young boy with muscular dystrophy that he would go deep. I've always been a semi-sucker for stories like this, but I'm sure the ejected fan is going to start crafting phony letters from fictional kids with serious illnesses and mail them to Tejada in hopes of winning his $20 bet. I say here's to you Miggy!

So I guess the ejected fan would be upset if I didn't recap the rest of my weekend, being that I went to all 3 Sox games vs. the Devil Rays, and although I probably won't be able to weave a tale as eloquent as HzMLS did, here goes:

Friday Night:


Saturday Night:
Our evening began with HzMLS and I stopping off at a watering hole near Fenway, where I promptly inhaled 2 rather strong (and rather expensive) adult beverages. They would prove to be helpful, as fellow fan EGD2 and myself were sitting in the CVS Family Section, aka the alcohol-free zone. Our particular section was patrolled by none other than Mr. Miyagi, who confiscated beers and roughed up hooligans. Needless to say, we saw many ejected fans. The ejf himself would have been jealous.

After the game, HzMLS and I went to a local karaoke bar that we often frequent to get absolutely top-tier sidewalk-puking obliterated. After a few more beverages, we begin to jot our blog addresses on a karaoke slip or 30, and leave them scattered around the bar. Then, after a riveting performance of a popular rap tune, HzMLS began shouting out "EJECTEDFAN.BLOGSPOT.COM" until the DJ's cut his mic and made us promise to not drive home. Big beats hit streets, see bloggers roamin'...


Sunday Afternoon:
After waking up with a trash can next to my bed and bits of Cracker Jacks stuck to my pants, I prepared for my final trek to America's Most Beloved Ballpark. I put on my alcohol-and-food-stained Red Sox sweatshirt that I had worn to the previous two games and got ready to go. The Sox hoodie was absolutely necessary no matter how dirty it was, because they had won the previous two games when I wore it, and yes, I am that superstitious. I didn't care that I looked incredibly homeless hungover.
The highlight of this game was the ever stereotypical Sox fan about 10 rows in front of us who frequently stood and screamed Let's Go SAWX! amongst other re-taahhhded things. We called him Sully from Quincy, although it could have easily been Smitty from Dorchester or Mikey from Southie.


All-in-all, the Sox are now 5-0 in games I attend, including 3-0 in games all 4 members of the EjF attend. So I assume all you loyal readers will want to take us to a game to ensure a Sox win, so hit us up!!

Mitchell Report Appendix A on P.E.U.K.P.T.C.M.S.

that stands for Performance Enhancing Underage Karaoke Performers Turned Country Music Singers. as everyone knows by now, family man roger clemens is into 15-year old girls. not that i blame him, because as a famous man once said, "Fifteen is a fun age." but sometimes it's just better to leave the shards of Mike Piazza's broken bat barrel on the ground. ya know, don't act on your impulses. keep it in your woolen baseball trousers, if you will.

there have been varying reports about the nature of clemens' and McCready's relationship. clemens, true to form, denies that it was ever "inappropriate." [sidenote: what's appropriate to clemens probably isn't appropriate to the rest of us. just a guess.] he said in a statement that McCready was a "close family friend." i called Debbie on my Verizon wireless phone to ask her about this, but the call was dropped before she could verify. i should have gone with Cingular AT&T!

so let's break it down. they met when she was 15 and he was 28. lacking further detail, this was either during his 1990 or 1991 season, both historically good years for him. [sidenote: unfairly in 1990, clemens lost the Cy Young to Bob Welch, who had a very good year, to be sure, but was bolstered by his 27 freaking wins. his ERA+ that season was 126. clemens', on the other hand, was 213, good for 25th best all-time for a single season. pretty awesome.] i wish wish wish i knew exactly when they met, because i could make a really good argument here. from August (the month he turned 28) to the end of the season, his ERA was 1.11. let's give McCready the benefit of the doubt here and pretend that they met on his 28th birthday, because that's sort of what this post is about.

the next season, clemens won his third Cy Young award. is McCready to blame? we can't know for certain (perhaps John Daly's ex-wife had something to do with it), but all signs point to "yes."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" you're probably saying. "According to McCready's father, the relationship between roger and Mindy didn't become physical until 1998, after she broke up with superman Dean Cain (who is probably really, really happy right now)." if that is what you're saying, then i'm saying "nice use of a spoken parenthetical," and also, "ah-ha! clemens won his fifth Cy Young award in 1998! which bolsters my argument even more!" detracting from my argument, however, is the fact that he also won the Cy Young in 1997, a year before things got hot and heavy between the two sparkling paradigms of American star power. but i ask you this: what if her father is misremembering?

let's do a thought experiment: close your eyes. summon your innermost powers of nostalgia and whisk yourself back twelve years to the golden age of 1996. you're in the backyard, perhaps lying in a hammock in the shade, sipping on a glass of fresh-squeezed lemonade. you don't give a damn about the internet because really the only thing you use it for is to go on AOL and go into chat rooms and talk to strangers from Wisconsin or Malaysia and you don't even know what paypal or myspace or "2 girls 1 cup" is, not yet anyway. the radio is tuned to your favorite country radio station and the number one hit in the nation is playing: "Guys Do It All the Time," by Mindy McCready. for some reason, a dose of futuristic consciousness pervades your mind as you listen to the second verse:

I know I left my clothes all over the place
And I took your twenty bucks
No I didn't get the front yard cut
Cause I had to wash my truck
Will you bring me a cold one baby
Turn on the TV
We'll talk about this later
There's a ballgame I wanna see...

this is absolutely ducking uncanny. the song reached #1 on the charts on September 14th. in clemens' very next start, he threw a complete game shutout. this is no coincidence, my friends. what this is is irrefutable evidence that roger clemens was shlepping (sp?) Mindy McCready at least two years before her dad was even aware.

there is nothing this man is incapable of. except for batting against the Mets.

I Have $20 Riding On This Man

Miguel Tejada - mvp, dynamic slugger, franchise face of the Baltimore Orioles, quickly deteriorating defensive genius, steroid user, 33-year old father of two.

the hits just keep on coming for Miggy. i hope that most of those hits stay in the ballpark, because i have a $20 bet with the ejected fan that Tejada does not send the ball over the fence 20 or more times this season. this may seem like a foolish bet (not nearly as foolish as the time ejected fan bet me $5 that i couldn't get 100% on "my name is jonas" whilst on level "easy" in Guitar Hero 3), but it is looking wiser and wiser by the minute. first, let's examine why you all probably think i'm a jackass for making that bet.

Tejada's HR totals the last 3 years:
2007: 18 in 133 games
2006: 24 in 162 games
2005: 26 in 162 games

right off the bat, notice that if Miggy was healthy enough last year to play 162, he'd have been projected to hit about 22 dingers. assuming a linear projection then, he might hit 20 this year, had he stayed in the AL east with the Orioles. alas! he moved to a notorious hitter's park at Houston's Minute Maid Park. so why wouldn't he hit at least 20?

dubbschism: i bet you $20 that Tejada doesn't hit 20 homers this year.
ejected fan: what? are you ducking* crazy?
dubbschism: yes.
ejected fan: dude, he's playing in Houston this year. in that ballpark? come on.
dubbschism: yes or no? will you bet?
ejected fan: dual* yes.

*for those of you unfamiliar with t9-style** swear words, here is an incomplete dictionary:
dual = fuck
shiv = shit
ducked = fucked
ducking = fucking
citag = bitch
...you get the idea. for extra fun, type in the word "coal" and then scroll through the word list.

**for those of you unfamiliar with t9, use the ducking internet.

okay! the only problem here with ejected fan's reasoning is that Minute Maid is not a HR park! its park factor for 2007 places it 14th in baseball. Camden Yards? 3rd place. based on a simple linear projection of Tejada's recent work and his move to Minute Maid, he'll hit 17 home runs - and that's if he plays 162 games. based on his history, he's a good bet to play 162, but with recent allegations, he probably won't. so far he has appeared in all 16 games the Astros have played.

of course when i made my bet, i figured Tejada was 31, not 33. (apparently, he's dug himself in a pit of fibs so deep he's not even sure how old he is supposed to be.) and i'll admit, i didn't realize how average MMP was for HR hitters, but i did have an inkling his HR total was padded slightly by the friendly confines of Camden Yards. i also have a feeling that Tejada is easily flustered (and given his reaction when E:60 correspondent Tom Farrey confronted him with his birth certificate, i guessed correctly) and the fallout of being named in the Mitchell report would affect him in some way. although to be fair, when future HOFer Rafael Palmeiro fingered Miggy as the cause of his own steroid allegations, Tejada shook it off and produced at his typical level the following season. but for all the teeth it lacks, fans are taking the Mitchell report much more seriously than whatever Palmeiro has to say. working against me is the fact that Tejada has 3 taters in 16 games, putting him on pace for 30. and we know how important those kinds of projections are.

on another note, i'm so ducking glad i'm not as big of an Astros fan as i used to be. Ed Wade is quickly approaching Brian Sabean level as far as GMing skills are concerned. dude trades the farm for Tejada and Jose Valverde, somehow convinced that they're going to contend in the NL central (worst or second-worst division in baseball, to be sure) without any pitching besides Oswalt. then, as if to say, "verily! i have no idea what running a baseball team entails!", he claims not to care that Tejada is actually two years older than he originally thought. my guess is he had no clue how old he was to begin with.

HGH Makes You Ugly, NOT a Better Baseball Player

my original purpose with this post was to bash Paul Byrd and throw him in the "crummy Indians pitchers who should probably be in the minors or maybe even collecting their MLB pensions" bin along with Joe Borowski. but i started writing this article last night during the Sox-Tribe game, the one in which Byrd lowered his era from 11.05 to 6.07. not that he pitched a gem, exactly - he was cooked after 6, although he did only throw 78 pitches. therefore i decided i'm not really here to eviscerate Paul Byrd as a pitcher. this here is a good old-fashioned hide-behind-my-monitor-and-whatever-super-
fast-connection-my-place-of-employment-has-to-the-web-so-Paul-
Byrd-can't-fire-back-at-me ad hominem attack.

to quote that creepy Irish gypsy that just got out of jail on The Riches, "such is the power of the internet."

Paul Byrd took HGH. to many, that makes him a cheater. according to the San Francisco Chronicle (which, for my money, has to be the world's greatest source for spilling the word on doping baseball players), Byrd received shipments of the drug between 2002 and 2005. according to Byrd, it was to treat a pituitary gland tumor. now, i'm no medical doctor, but i am an internet expert. and a google search for "pituitary tumor HGH" doesn't seem to bolster Mr. Byrd's case at all. surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy seem to be the treatments for such an ailment. but whatever. let's give him the benefit of the doubt. let's also assume then that pituitary tumors help transform a fringe-average pitcher into an above average pitcher. you want proof? fine.

Byrd's ERA+ for the last 7 years:
2001: 108. not bad, not exactly stellar. let's call it "Byrdesque."
2002: 127. we'll call that "Gibsonesque."
2003: did not play (TJ surgery)
2004: 110 (19 games)
2005: 113
2006: 93. the year he stopped receiving HGH. whoops!
2007: 100

alright, alright, i'm cherry picking here, and there are a lot of factors at play. most notably, of course, is that they put a new ligament in his arm in '03, which for most guys, results in a livelier fastball. but his old ligament seemed to be working fine in 2002, the year he started receiving shipments of HGH.

now i'm really going to bowl you over: word on the streets is that HGH doesn't enhance athletic performance. this has been talked about for more than a year now, but NO ONE EVER MENTIONS THIS CAVEAT when they talk about "cheating ballplayers." i was at Fenway the other night and some meatheads were chanting "H-G-H!! H-G-H!!" at jason giambi - completely embarrassing because everyone knows that giambi's drug of choice is anabolic steroids. although he DID have a pituitary tumor in 2004, so i can only assume that these meatheads were in fact licensed endocrinologists familiar with giambi's case file.

so i tricked you!! you all thought that this article was going to be some sort of forensic statistical investigation, a CSI: sabermetrics that would prove once and for all that Paulie Byrd, he of the game four 2007 ALCS domination, is nothing but a lying, cheating, whore of a man who needs to pump drugs in order to throw a baseball 60 feet. (yes, 60 feet - that's another way he cheats. he moves the rubber six inches closer to the plate on days he pitches. asshole.) well, if you thought that, you were wrong. i don't think HGH helped him at all. i don't believe that he took it on a doctor's orders for a pituitary tumor, especially given WHERE he obtained the drugs from, although i do think that he thought it would help his performance...which, of course, means he DID cheat. or at least he tried to cheat.

so why the sudden spike in Byrd's performance for 2002? well for one thing, he's not as bad as i'm letting on here. yes, he doesn't have an overpowering repertoire, he lacks an "out" pitch, and he has trouble sniffing 85 on the JUGS. on the other hand, he has awesome control, to the tune of a 1.5 BB/9IP ratio, good for second best in the AL that year. (sidenote: he led the league last year with a 1.31 mark.) plus he has that funky old-schooly delivery, a novelty, to be sure, but a novelty that can mess with a hitter's timing. maybe, just maybe, he put everything together for one glorious run for a glorious KC team in the glorious summer of 2002. (Royals' record that year: 62-100.) it happens sometimes.

but read up, spread the word, and help destroy the disinformation that is the HGH hoax. the next time Steven K. Phillips (the 'K' stands for 'Kazmir') or John F. Kruk (the 'F' stands for 'Fatty') refer to HGH as a "PED," you go right up to your television, look it in the eye, and say "you mean PUD." (performance un-enhancing drug.)

wait! before you go, that ad hominem attack i promised you!! Paul Byrd is ugly. not Julian Tavarez or Randy Johnson ugly, but at least Nick Swisher ugly, if not worse. also he is a self-righteous churchy-churcherton who basically uses his status as a christian to justify that taking HGH is not cheating. also, he plans on writing a book about his being "born again." it will be titled "The Free Byrd Project," which has nothing to do with Skynyrd and contains other puns on his name. the third chapter is titled "Why I Became a BasePaul Player." i have nothing against people who want to write books but come on, could you be any more self-important? because who wants to read about a journeyman pitcher who barely strikes out 5 batters per 9 innings? oh that's right, you do. otherwise you would have closed this window a long time ago.