Manny being MAN-RAM!!Game Report, 4/19/08 vs. Texas Rangers

I am going to start off by saying that I don’t have enough material for a blog this evening. However, Smarty Barrett and I did bring our handy blog notebooks so that we wouldnt misremember any events of the evening. Maybe it’s the fact that I was too drunk or that my gut tells me there was not enough notable events that happened. In addition I was really pissed when we arrived at the Rattlesnake and I realized that I had misremembered my copy of mid-game entertainment, Adult Mad Libs.

I am thoroughly socially lubricated by the time we finish the walk to Fenway from Rattlesnake to arrive 20 minutes after the game's start. This is a long walk up Boylston, down Ipswich and then down to Gate C on Landsdowne street. We should have taken the T, but my stubbornness forces this longer inefficient journey.

The South African Perspective on Baseball
We have a last minute scratch to our lineup due to frustration and traffic around Fenway. So we invite a South African known as The Professor. Being a righteous American, I don’t know what sports they play in South Africa, nor do I really care. Although I think they like cricket.
Before getting to the game, The Professor states “You can’t blame me if I fall asleep.” Obviously, he has as much respect for the sports we enjoy in this country as I would if put in the opposite position. During mid game, I further inquire with The Professor for his perspective on baseball. He states “I think there is enough beer at the stadium to make it interesting.” I ask him to compare baseball to cricket. The Professor exclaims, “It is just as boring as cricket, but at least in cricket the guys don’t wear tight pants.”

This game was far from boring. I make the journey to the upper bleachers to check in with Smarty Barrett. In my drunken state, only one event stands out as noteworthy - Manny’s 496th home run. During this monster blast, I guess I somehow manage to kick over HzMLS's beer. Manny saves the day again this week with this mammoth round tripper. No matter what anyone says about Manny’s quirks, he is one of the greatest right handed hitters to have ever played the game and thankfully, he is on the Sox.

Smarty Barrett and HzMLS’s upper bleacher seats are right next to the Dunkin Dugout. I kid with them earlier inquiring “How is the Dunkin Dugout?” As much as I might kid about the Dunkin Dugout, it is a very worthy pursuit. Tonight the Plummer Home for Boys in Salem, MA give 24 tickets to their under-privileged boys to take in the game in this section at Fenway. Please note: Smarty Barrett and HzMLS were not actually in the Dunkin Dugout. They do have Dunkin Donuts shirts on that were 3 sizes too big. And yes, this is proof that America (or at least Massachusetts) really does run on Dunkin.

Some other notable random observations from last nights game:

• The Bruins win and fans break into a USA chant at the game. A fan with a Habs jersey is razzed; The Professor has profound misgivings about whether or not to join along in the chant.
  
• The fans behind me sound like dying Tauntauns.


• There is a guy with a Titleist cap with the Yankees logo on the side. This guy is gay to be that non-committal to his team.


• There was a bachelorette party at the park. This “Red Sox Bride” has a Sox tattoo on her face. I find bachelor or bachelorette parties at Fenway to be rather boring. Go to a strip club or something....


• A fan screams out “Botts smells like butts!”


• This guy in a Varitek jersey in front of us with earrings in both ears tries to start the wave. Extreme gayness ensues. (To our readers: what is the male equivalent of a Vari-dyke?)
  
• A fan in section 38 has a sign that says "JACOBY’S BIGGEST FAN." This “Windtalking” Navajo has certainly become the crush of many a teenage girl around the park.
  

I apologize to readers for peddling brevity. I will have more on Marathon Monday as the Red Sox take on the Texas Rangers for the final game of the series. Stay tuned.

ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE: Sox/Yanks - Everybody Wang Chung Tonight! (Native American Night at Fenway) Game Report, 4/11/08 vs. New York Yankees

In order to respect my readers, I must get ejected from Fenway Park at least once this season. Last night the Ejected Fan ran into a few fans who were in fact ejected from the ballpark. We will have more on these fans later in the piece. Fenway Park Security has made the ejection process easier and more efficient with a new security hotline - a 617-XXX-XXXX number that one can call to report an incident. dubbschism comes up with an idea to stage an ejection with the security hotline. Stay tuned in future blogs as we work on the logistics of this ejection plan.

The fun starts at Cornwall’s, a more low-key bar on Comm Ave. Relocated from the other side of Kenmore Square during the late 90’s, it is a great place to grab grub before the game. Midway through our dinner on the front porch, a light rain starts to fall. Zoe states “If it rains and it gets rained out, I am getting really drunk!” Luckily for our sake it was a light rain. There is a Matt Clement look- alike sitting across from us. dubbschism claims that I am a pussy for not taking his picture for this blog. The waitress is referred to as “Hokey Pokey” by Zoe because of her snail's pace service of our food and drink requests. Much to Zoe's chagrin, we meet up with the waitress in the post-game Cask N Flagon line, at which point I tell her, "Zoe says you were Hokey Pokey."…And it rained…And that happened.

We have Right Field “Budweiser” roof deck standing room for the opening game of this Yankees-Sox series. It is rainy, windy, and cold. Management should install portable propane heaters on the roof deck for the first couple months of the season. John Henry, if you are reading this, please take this under strong consideration.

For anyone who has not had the opportunity to be on the roof deck, I will sort of explain the situation with these tickets. Basically you have 2 options: You can buy a $500 table for four that gets you very own waiter or waitress. Or you can spend $30 and obtain a standing room ticket. I refer to the first option as “emotional spending,” especially on a rainy night like tonight. With the waitress option you can order beer, peanuts, pizza etc. Not exactly the type of food that you need valeted. Tonight, one table orders a pizza with extra rain. dubb attempts to flag down a waitress to order beer, but is shot down quickly and told the service is only for those in the seats. (For the record, dubb states, "I don't care, the raspberry vodka I poured from my flask into my $18 hot chocolate was well worth the paranoia of getting caught bringing alcohol into the park.")

We start to interview a teacher from Maine. At her request for anonymity we will refer to the place that she lives only as East Bumfuck. It took her over 5 ½ hours to make the journey to Boston for tonight's game. We ask our teacher friend the question that we left our readers with last week: You can induce a ground ball, a pregnancy, but what else? She offers “Isn’t there a drug that you induce pregnancies with?” Zoe offers that during her 18-hour ordeal she used the drug Pitocin. Another fan erroneously attempts to spell the word.

Our teacher fan also offers another tidbit of information about tonights game: little did we know it was Native American night at the ballpark. I can find no information to corroborate this. However, lets just say it was Native American night at Fenway; neither Jacoby Ellsbury or Joba Chamberlain (both Native Americans) play in tonight's game. We do the tomahawk chop and chant during the seventh inning stretch to honor our Native American brethren. Later in the evening, dubb and I exchange headdresses.

I will say it was another showcase game for Coco Crisp. We asked fans for a few more attributes that scouts should know about Coco Crisp. These include:

*Speed
*Aggressive with women
*Defensive ability; e.g. spectacular catch at the end of Game 7 of the 2007 ALCS (amongst others)
*Has cereal was name after him
*Unfocused (owns a record label)

...And it rained...And that happened.

Our focus shifts to Jose Molina, catcher for the New York Yankees. A fan asks, “Aren’t there three Molina brothers?” There are actually four Molina brothers: Jose, Bengie, Yadier and Miguel. The fourth Molina brother, Miguel Molina, is also a catcher for the Toledo Mudhens. I was unable to locate any statistics on Miguel. I will say this: he is one of the top rated minor league catchers. The Red Sox should make a strong push to put a package together with the Detroit Tigers to acquire this stellar catching prospect.

Towards the end of the seventh inning we move to another section of the ballpark, the new(as of last year) Jordan’s Furniture 3rd base deck. After the fourth Red Sox pitcher, all hell breaks loose! A fight erupts on the stairwell of the Jordan’s deck.

We were there to capture this amazing video.

Apparently, this squabble started when husband would not allow his wife to participate in the Jordan’s Monster Sweep promotion.

Notable Ejections:

From a Sox fan on the T: “The craziest little drunk 120 lb asshole with a Yankee Jersey and a NY Giants hat in Section 39 gets into a fight with a 220 lb guy with a Celtics Cap and a Sox Jersey. The guy with the Celtics cap literally murdered this guy! He tells the smaller guy, 'I don’t mind a Yankee shirt, but the Giants hat makes me want to kick your ass!' Security escorts the scrawny yankee fan off with his home computer made fake ID.”

I go to utilize the ATM on the grand concourse. There is a fan that is stumbling drunk around the concourse and pulls a tablecloth off a nearby table. I have recreated the path of this stumbling drunk as Security catches and escorts him from the premises.

A Yankee fan was ejected from the Left Field Grandstand No Alcohol section. He was quoted as saying, “I was at the game. I had Bacardi in a water bottle. I had nips in my hoodie. I got kicked

out. WooooooHHHH!!”


After the game, we head to the dreaded Cask N Flagon. The line after the game is long as usual. dubb's former roommate sends a text from inside, “I anticipate a mass exodus from the Cask.” This report turns out to be grossly overstated. Once inside the Cask, we head to the nightclub section of the bar. There is a real wannabe on stage with ripped jeans and sunglasses trying to pretend he is a good dancer. We confront dubb's old roommate on his response to the pornographic pictures that we were sent from an unidentified phone. He earlier texted, “I know who you are, asshole. If you send me nasty shit like that again you will fucking regret it. That is a promise.” He brushes us off. Little did he know that he sent that message to a chick.

Outside of the Cask, in a display of athletic prowess, a few of the people that were dancing inside the bar attempt to “Grab Rim” (i.e. touch the top of the Cask’s awning). The first guy jumps and touches the awning. The second guy slips and smacks his head on the pavement.

On the Green line heading home, another battle erupts. I get between the two guys who are about to throw down. The smaller of the two seems to be instigating this when in reality, later on, we find out it is the other way around. The smaller guy takes a swing and slaps the bigger guy. Everybody pretty much gets off and goes their separate ways at the next stop. We trail the taller guy on to the next train and he fails to provide The Ejected Fan with a meaningful interview. He realizes that he doesn’t know where he is or where is going and leaves the train station in a huff and blames us for the distraction. He wouldn't even take our business card! (a.k.a. a piece of paper with a handwritten URL on it)

We meet up with the shorter guy and his entourage at another stop and they actually turn out to be alright. Possibly, they may even become future readers of The Ejected Fan.

**On a side note, the Yankees did win and Wang pitched a decent game, but the Yankees still suck!