Tonight is May 3rd - two days before Cinco De Mayo. In honor of Cinco de Mayo, Corona is giving out koozies that look like ponchos from Clint Eastwood’s The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. A Mariachi Band enters Who’s on First through the alleyway entrance and plays such hits as La Cucaracha and Tequila. Ejected fan has exclusive video footage.
By the time they get into the park and get to their seats, the Red Sox have scored 3 runs off James Shields. dubb buys corn on the cob and is eating at his seat. He bites into the cob and the juice from the kernels shoot five rows in front of us. The ejected fan hope no one in front of him has any food allergies. Luckily tonight Smarty Barrett sits in the gluten-free section of Fenway, otherwise known as the Alcohol-free left field grandstands. Smarty Barrett coins this part of the park “The Free Alcohol Zone” due to the smuggling of alcohol into this area.
Wagering at Fenway
A group of four bleacher creatures is running a (possibly illegal) gambling racket, taking bets on whether or not the baseball ends up on the dirt of the mound at the end of each inning. A chubby girl with curly hair seems to be the head bookie. The ejected fan inquires about getting in on this action, but is denied on the pretext that his group is not in their row. dubbschism, HzMLS, and ejf start their own wager on which player will return to the dugout first upon completion of the inning: Lowell, Manny or Jacoby. Manny would have been first but he stopped to light up a joint on his way back to the dugout.
Towards the end of the evening the betting degrades to determining the age of a random Cougar in a white Patriots jacket, about 15 rows in front of us. The ejected fan is encouraged by the bettors to ask her what her age is. (Please note this is not something that ejf would typically ask a woman; however, in the interests of this blog it had to be done.) As it turns out the Cougar was 54 years of age. Upon hearing this, one of the bettors in his mid-twenties shouts “I would take her home with me!”
Pete Rose would be proud of such speculation.
The Mad Clown
During the second inning of the ballgame, we encounter a fan who is blocking our view of the field. He would later be dubbed the Mad Clown due to his obnoxious joker-like laugh. After 2 minutes of viewing the mad clown's back, dubbschism shouts MOVE! Apparently this did not gain favor in this mad jester’s court.
Mad Clown: HA HA HA HA HA! (Regarding HzMLS, ejf and dubb's bet)
HA HA HA HA HA!
HzMLS: HA HA HA HA HA!
Mad Clown: I went to the ultrasound of my 3rd child. HA HA HA HA HA!
And I tried to bet my father in law on whether he would be a boy or a girl. Cuz I’m a bettin' man….. HA HA HA HA HA!
He could’ve bet that he was a boy and won $500, but he is not a bettin’ man! HA HA HA HA HA!
- During the 3rd inning a blow-up doll lands in the ejected fan's lap. In a shameless attempt at Guerrilla marketing, the ejected fan takes his pen and writes the blog address for The Ejected Fan on this poor girl and bounces her down to next row. Later, security wraps a towel around her and escorts her off the premises. According to Sports Illustrated, Fenway Park ranks poorly with regards to promotions. Giving out free blow-up dolls clad only in red socks to the first 1000 fans would be a hit and could change SI’s perceptions. Fans would have a blast bouncing them around the bleachers. Girls Gone Wild could sponsor this. Larry Lucchino, if you a reading this, please take this under advisement.
- A guy runs on the field during Sweet Caroline. Security tackles the fan HARD. Fans in the bleachers look on in amazement. Chris Tucker yells, “You got knocked the fuck out!”
Who is Debbie Marsh?
After the game, we meet up with our old friend Jumpstreet at the Baseball Tavern. Jumpstreet and the ejected fan use our copy of Mad Libs as an ice breaker to start conversations with members of the opposite sex. One contestant on Mad Libs was turned on from her erotic verbalization of such words as pulsating and nipple clamps. During our Mad Libs tour, we are in dire need of a plural noun. We stop an older, heavyset, ostensibly intoxicated woman as she is meandering through the tavern and ask her for one. She stares blankly into the distance for a moment, then exclaims "Red Sox!!" dubbschism notes her Colorado Rockies earrings and asks, "why not the Rockies?" Amazed by his seemingly psychic ways, the woman turns to dubb with wide eyes and says, "That's my other team!" Jumpstreet asks the woman why she's in the baseball tavern.
So Debbie Marsh is a Northeastern graduate. This is just not as important to the writers of this blog as it is to Debbie Marsh's mom. However, what IS important to the writers of this blog is that about 45 minutes after our first encounter with Debbie Marsh's mom, Debbie Marsh's mom takes a drunken tumble and lands on dubbschism. I will leave it to dubb and Jumpstreet to facebook Debbie Marsh and regal her with embarrassing tales of her inebriated mother.
Rockies Earing Lady: Oh this is a Northeastern graduation party. I'm Debbie Marsh's mom.
Jumpstreet: (seemingly understanding) Oh.
REL: Yeah that's why there are so many sorority girls here.
dubbschism: (clearly NOT understanding) who is Debbie Marsh?!?
REL: (points to drunk girl in corner) That's her in the corner!
- James Shields is a Fantasy Stud. Does that sound gay?
- Jacoby Ellsbury has a new signature song as he comes to bat -“Cherub Rock” by Smashing Pumpkins. This choice by Jacoby could be due to the recent fame this song has received from Guitar Hero 3.
- There is a guy with an Intel backpack on. I ask HzMLS “Do you think he has Intel inside?” HzMLS responds, “No, just weed.”
- Regarding Rays Player Dioner Navarro, a fan asks “Is he related to Dave Navarro?”
- There is a girl with an Insoxicated Shirt on. On this shirt one of symptoms is that you have the urge to eat sushi every fifth day. Our very own dubbschism is experiencing this same symptom almost daily. ejf has decided that he will need to have dubbschism’s mercury levels in his blood tested prior to being permitted to blog again.
- Stay Tuned May 17th for the Sox game against the Brew Crew… Also there may be an update on ejf’s position on Jon Lester.... Tina Cervasio's blonde replacement will also be the subject of a future post.